Wednesday night I started reading the travel diary of Lara (from the Indochina trip), and it was such a nice thing, because it's always interesting to see others perspective. Also, even if I was travelling with a group, I wasn't with the other members all of the time. Even Kiwi has other memories than me because we spent time apart too. In the midst of reading, I got a notification saying Niall was doing a live Instagram-thing, so I just clicked on it. Imagine me in my bed-- it's past midnight and I've turned off the lights, and there I am watching Niall sign a few hundreds of his CD's. It was a very little engaging live-thing, and I kept thinking "this is not worth my time". But I still stayed there for half an hour, just wondering if he was sleep deprived due to his dark bags beneath his eyes. In the end, I stopped watching and went back to reading Lara's travel diary. I was sad to finish it, but I went back to watch Niall again because another of those notification popped up, and even though I didn't watch it for that long, I did watch until my phone died. It was around 2 am by then, and it felt a bit like I was deliberately sabotaging myself. I didn't plan on taking a break yesterday, and I even opened my documents. However, I just continued watching video after video, and then it was time for exercise. At least my exercise session was really good. There's just something so satisfying when the sweat starts dripping. I wanted to have an early night, but like the other night, I stayed up past midnight. It took me quite a while before I started on my exam today, but I did eventually. So far it doesn't feel great, it's like I can't put on the paper what I've got in my head. And I keep trying to compare it to my last exam, which doesn't do me any good. Apart from the comfort that I felt really confused back then, but it still went well. Despite feeling like the content wasn't all great, I'm happy that I actually did work today. I was kinda convinced I would completely stop after being productive for days. I'm hoping to finish this "last" part tomorrow, so I can start properly editing all of the parts. That being said, the thought of doing that editing sounds really awful at the moment. I was going to leave the house today, go the the post office and send my sister her birthday card. Even put on some make-up today. But I didn't want to leave the house early when it was cold, and then I knew once I started writing on my exam, I didn't want to take a break if I was productive. And then I haven't even written more than "happy birthday" because apparently I can't remember what to write anymore. I do also think that a part of me refuses to leave the house before I'm done with my exam. So I didn't do all of the things I wanted to do today, but that's fine. Progress isn't always linear, meaning sometimes you fail at things you've previously managed. It's like that song: "one step forward, two steps back". That's how life is.
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