And another one bites the dust. Oh why can I not conquer love?

When I wrote that I had to drown my sorrows in a pear cider the other day, I didn't actually cry. It took me until yesterday before it finally hit me. It was probably because I talked to the teacher who gave me the grade, and my goodness. If you really want to torture yourself, you should definitely have someone tell you over the phone all the things you did wrong. Couldn't really talk to her, only said "mhm, okay" and likewise. I know who she is even, and I am aware that she's really strict. However, it still sucked a lot yesterday. Knowing that I have worked so hard, and that I was having such a hard time prioritising revising rather than my "praksis" back then-- and still ended up here, listening to a teacher listing off all the things I didn't manage. It's hard to listen to, because essentially I feel like the one thing I've been somewhat good at throughout my life is school. So when I fail that, it's like having someone say I'm a failure. It's easy to listen to that voice confirming that you're not enough when you're disappointed and sad and vulnerable. Rather than being rational and pointing out all the positive things. I cried a lot, and I think maybe I was just waiting for it these past days-- on my eventual breakdown. I ended up crying whilst trying to do school work, so I took a break and reread a sad fan fiction which made me cry even more. Couldn't be bothered to exercise, and eventually jumped in the shower around 7:00 pm. I also realised I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. Instead of staying up until 5:00 am, I listened to Kiwi and my belieber friend and went to bed early. Didn't realise crying can make you so tired. Today is a better day, and it's easier to believe the logical part of my brain. On another note, I heard another cover by Conor Maynard yesterday, and as always (it seems) I fell in love with it. It's a cover of Elastic Heart by Sia. I am not too fond of Sia. I can't put my finger on why, but apart from Titanium (which I'll love forever) I don't like her voice. Anyway, Maynard did a cover of her song with a mashup of Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding, Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars and Fill Me In by Craig David at the end. I really wish I could buy his covers on iTunes. I'd download them in a heartbeat. It's a nice day out, and I'm sat here trying to write for my presentation. I'm feeling good, and I've had two cups of tea. It's going to be a long day, but a good one, I think. It's definitely going to be interesting. If I have time for it today, I might start reading the Marian Keyes book. I have a quite a few days off next week because I'll basically have been at the hospital (my "praksis") 6 days out of seven this week. But I suspect most of them will be spent doing school work, and hopefully doing research for my bachelor. It's two weeks until February. That's crazy, how quickly life is. In less than four months I'll have a new nephew. This year is going to be a really fucking hard year, but I suspect it'll be a very fulfilling one as well. Have a good day xx. 

it's hard to do these things alone, just hold on we're going home

Guess who came walking through our front door? My broseph, who I'm pretty sure was here like three weeks ago? My sister who was here last weekend, actually asked about whether he had been here. It's a bit stupid time to come for a visit, as they are still doing our windows, but family is family. He'll just have to sleep in the basement. I've been somewhat productive today. I just have a bit of a problem with my current paper-- just need the green light from my teacher before I can continue. Which, I hope will be soon. On the way home from school tonight I watched Conor Maynard's new Youtube video, and oh how lovely. I love his covers. Especially if it's a cover of Drake. I've also spent the entire day listening to Joseph Somo's covers of Drake, The Weeknd, Mario, Frank Ocean, etc. So chill. It's like tea for my ears. That's the only metaphor I can compare it to. I think I'm spending tomorrow with Oyster, and then the next days I'll have to spend on finishing my paper. Or else I'll be really stressed. But for now, I'm going to fix my calendar on my phone, and my planner. Bon nuit xx.

feel like my love life is finished, I’ve been avoiding commitment

Hiya xx. I heard this cover last night, just before I was going to bed. And my first thought was something similar to "this ain't right". Because, well, the Destiny's Child part. But then I listened to it again. And again. And again. And now I pretty much love it. Also, Conor Maynard tend to make me love Drake. You should definitely go listen to his cover of Marvin's Room. I listened to the original (Girls Love Beyonce), but I didn't like that at all. It's typical me to discover new music, when I'm going to the One Direction concert in 5 days (more like 4, cause the day is over soon). My belieber friend asked me if I thought I'd freak out, or just be starstruck and in awe like at the Justin Bieber concert. And I answered that I'd probably have the same response as at the Justin Bieber concert. Obviously I'm going to scream now and then (I did that at the Justin Bieber concert too). But mostly I just want to listen to them sing, and try to not miss anything. Which is extremely hard considering they are five. It's like whenever I watch a Youtube video with the five of them, and I watch it six times. One time for each member, and then one with everyone. It's ridiculous and waste of time, but I still do. With the concert I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm crossing my fingers that someone has a bloody great camera and captures the whole thing. Or maybe not, because then I'll spend loads of time watching those. Freak outs have been a very recurring occurrence the last month. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to get a good grade (pass even) at my exam. I just wish I could punch the people who decided to make a bloody new exam. Anyway, I'm going to spend my weekend at finishing my paper. And possibly try to do some pathology too. I can't wait till' this is over, and for summer to come!