I want you so much, but I hate your guts

I am wallowing in my somewhat self-inflicted sadness. And ever since I first heart Youth by Daughter, I’ve always gone back to it whenever I feel sad. And no other songs have yet to replace it. Unrequited love is some of the most saddening things I read these days and I’ve only just started reading A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Shakespeare, and I’m already intrigued. I am well aware that I should be studying for my next exam, rather than reading Shakespeare. It’s an itch in my skin, always reminding me that I should be reading about different blood cells and whatnot. But I am so tired. Both mentally and physically. And all I want is to hibernate, and hide from the world for a bit. I am still very much pissed at the world, and I also feel guilty every time I feel happy, and every time everyone else is happy. And I feel this wave of affection whenever I see something related to the Connecticut shooting. But then it aches, and I’d much rather stay oblivious to all the evil in this world. So I stray away, I flinch every time I see anything related to the shooting and make it go away. Maybe it’s because of the distant memories of what happened here for not long ago – maybe it’s ripping all the wounds open again for it to bleed. I am also a bit mad that there are not Twitter trending topics related to the Connecticut shooting. Because how dare the world move on just like that? Why are you not wallowing in sadness too? This is why I probably should never read the news, and just stay oblivious to everything. Things take a toll on me probably way more than others. And things become personal to me so fast, and then I’m there praying so hard and wishing that all the pain could go away. And I feel like a little naïve child wishing for something impossible. I keep thinking about life, and then the existential questions pop into my head. I don’t question why I live or what the reason with life is. I question the reason for human race. Why are we here, slowly killing the earth and each other? Are we a self-destructing love tragedy? I sometimes think so. Damn it, Shakespeare should have been alive and written a heart wrenching tragedy about this. 

I'm sorry. I am being very depressing lately, a consequence of being swallowed in books and papers, trying to fit everything into my memory. Also, because of the tragedy. And just because I can be really depressing sometimes. But hey, look. I decided on painting the Christmas cards I make a while ago. And I think they turned out quite cute. Right now I'm going downstairs in order to watch Home Alone 2. Because I really think I need to cheer up, and get out of this depressing mode I'm currently in. It seems like even my mum and sister noticed it. But then again, maybe it was the dried tear stains that made them notice. Alrighty, I'll fetch my chocolate and tea then. And then I'm going to be happy.