Spaces between us keep getting deeper. It's harder to reach ya, even though I try. Spaces between us hold all our secrets, leaving us speechless and I don't know why. Who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?

Back in November, I wrote about FOUR, and I said this about Spaces: "It's a song about a theme that sort of hits home. Someone on Tumblr wrote "what if it's about them and splitting up". Obviously it's not, but it definitely put a picture in my head, which I can't get rid off now. Especially as Niall sings "who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?", because he's probably their biggest fan, and I don't think he ever wants One Direction to be over. Now I can't stop imagining Niall begging the boys to stay together and crying, which, I don't think I want that in my head, thanks". It's a very suitable song for this day. For the past few months, I've silently stepped away from the One Direction fandom. I've barely read any One Direction fan fiction the past months, nor have I been much at Tumblr. I've almost not seen any videos from the current tour either. I've not completely quit the fandom, I am still very fond of One Direction, and will probably always be. Mars commented on it the other day; "you're not as crazy as before". And I thought to myself that she was right. Trying to stop being a fan of One Direction is something I've tried multiple times, but it's never worked until now. I think that I sort of knew that they were close to splitting, I had a feeling. I've had it ever since I properly listened to Best Song Ever, I think. I always feel sentimental when listening to it, because I've learned to associate it with endings. And Zayn sings: "I hope you'll remember how we danced". That's when I realised that the end might be soon. Also, the past year I've read a lot of post-One Direction fan fiction that has hit home. It's a bit like I've been preparing for the inevitable end. I am surprised that Zayn decided to leave the band right now, in the midst of their tour. But I'm not surprised that it was Zayn who "was the first to say goodbye". I've always thought of him as more emotional than the others, and less thick skin. Having those features is a great thing, but not when he's in the spotlight and constantly dragged down by people. A few days ago, a person who I follow on Tumblr commented that she thought it was lame that Zayn had taken a break in the middle of the tour, and that it wasn't professional. I sent her a message saying something like: I don't know about you, but if I had to choose between my mental health and work, I'd choose my health first. I think you've forgotten that Zayn is a human too, also with emotions regardless of being a "celebrity". And I still stand by it. Though I'm not exactly happy about him leaving, I'm happy that he's choosing his health and happiness before other things, and I can't imagine it ever being an easy decision. (I'm also thinking about how Niall will take it, if he cried openly about JLS splitting up. Hope all of them are having hugs, and that Liam won't appear on Twitter drunk). I just went to get myself a cup of tea, and it's the first time I've used my One Direction mug in months, because each time I've looked at it, I've just felt bad. It's really hard for me to write about my feelings, because I just feel a bit numb. I don't think it's dawned on me just yet, but jeez. I might have a break down after I've posted this. I definitely know I'm going to cry, that's inevitable for me. I've had really great days for the past week, but each evening has ended sour for different reasons. But you know, as Oyster just told me: his happiness comes first. As for One Direction, I don't know. The times someone's been gone, they've never introduced themselves as One Direction. But I guess they'll have to now. I don't know about the dynamics, because I've always thought that the five of them were destined to be together, and that the band wouldn't have happened without all of them. But I think life goes on, and human beings are really good at adjusting. I'm also excited to see what kind of direction One Direction will go now, and if Zayn has some future projects (perhaps with Naughty Boy). 

I can't stop, stop playing this song, it makes me high

When I was around 10-11, I had a crush on the new boy in class. He was everything the other boys weren't, and I've always liked people who are different. He even wrote "a" instead of "ɑ". So for a long time I started writing "a" as well. In the end, the crush moved onto a good friendship, but I continued using "a" for a while. There are times I question the decisions in my life more than other. And today I managed to plan a meeting with two Mormons tomorrow. I think I might have a problem with saying no to people talking about their religion, though. I'm just open to listen to people talk about things they are passionate about unless it's something they're trying to sell me (as in something materialistic). Oh well, I'm not too bothered. Today has been a long day, it feels like. I went to a hospital I've never been to before, and I told my belieber friend that it reminds me more of a campus than a hospital. Also, it's been a while since I've been in such an old building. We went there to look through the library, though we left pretty much empty-handed. Nevertheless, it was a nice trip, I thought. Especially since it was such nice weather. But I did get scolded on the train earlier this morning. I met a person I went to school with a long time ago, and we weren't aware that we were on the "silent" train where you're not supposed to talk or make much noise. Well, we were talking, when a woman looked at us with a very annoyed expression: "we're on the silent train". We shut up, and I felt like a six year old getting reprimanded by the teacher or summat. I should probably start thinking about packing, and I might make a list tonight so I can just get it done tomorrow. Ah, I'm still terrified I'll miss my plane. Like, it's at the back of my mind, and each time I step on the train I keep thinking: "ah, it'll probably be late on Friday, which means I'll probably miss my plane". Oh, wait, I just found an earlier train. That does mean that I'll have to wake up at the crack of dawn though. I think it's the same train Marble and I took when we went to Dublin actually. There's no bus that early, so I'll have to get my dad to drive me. Ah, yes solutions! Well, it depends on whether my dad is willing to wake up that early. 

you fill my head with pieces of a song I can't get out.

Then: I'm pretty sure the people sitting at the table in front of me are playing a table game. Perhaps it's chess. I am currently sitting at a table in the cafeteria at school, switching between trying to write on my thesis and reading fan fiction. Surprisingly, it seems to work. I'm just sad that it's nearly the end of the fan fiction. Also, reading a sad fan fiction in public is never a good idea. But quite a few of the saddest fan fictions I've ever read has been at this very school. I am also here alone, so that might be a factor to my productivity. I figured that I should try to go to school every day, if I want to get things done. As it is, home is a nice place for relaxing and sleeping. It's not such a great place for doing work on my thesis when I've got two months? I'm mostly only productive when I'm under stress to get things done. All I know is that I'm probably going to get decubitus ulcers (as Wikipedia so nicely calls it) on my bum due to all the sitting in chairs. Perhaps I'll have to start sitting in cafes. I'll finally get to sit in cafes and write, like a true writer. Only, I'll be writing on my thesis. A few days ago I got a message by my doctor saying: "you don't have any infectious diseases". I wasn't all that surprised, but still-- I don't have HIV! Surely that's something to celebrate? Ale called yesterday, when I was trying to psych myself up for some writing on my thesis. She's one of a few that I'll want to have long conversations with over the phone. I do always appreciate our conversations, but I find that all conversations are best in flesh. Now: My neighbour has cut down almost all of their trees, so now it looks really naked. They're building two new houses on their property, if things goes as planned. It essentially means we'll have new neighbours in a year or so, that there will be a lot of noise in the future, and that we won't be bothered with as much leaves. I was not aware that Louis Tomlinson could summon cheeseburgers, but what do I know these days? Lol, I couldn't not include this gifset, because it's hilarious. On Sundays I clean, and yesterday I made a new to-do list, as shown in the picture, decorated with decorative tape. It's really satisfying to look at it. At Swim, Two Boys is a book that I want to read, but can't get a hold of. I am hoping to finish what I need to finish on my thesis by tomorrow. I did do quite a bit today, which I'm happy about. Hopefully my productivity will last. Right now, however, I am going to grab something to eat. 

say something, something like you love me

I ran out of Oyster's house with my tail between my legs today. "You're 21, you can make the decision on your own," Oyster told me, whilst I was hiding in a corner in their tiny hallway. Imagine Oyster, Mars, their younger brother, an 11-year old and a toddler all in a small hallway. That was the situation, as I decided between staying at Oyster's house and leaving this afternoon. I went to Oyster around noon today because we decided that we'd do yoga together. Monchita decided to tag along, and we were on our way after I'd bought plane tickets for my mum. It was really sunny today, though very cold and windy. I wore my sunglasses for the first time this year, had my yoga mat slung over my shoulder and felt a bit like a tool. In the basement of Oyster's house, we set up our mats, and began doing yoga with Mars and Monchita as bystanders, halfway participants. It was hard, but the end of the routine we've been doing is quite relaxing, which is why I always end up thinking "this was easy, wasn't it?" as if I've forgotten those really hard yoga positions. Oyster and I got served smoothies made by Mars and Monchita. After cleaning up after us, we just sat in the drawing room (I guess) and chilled. Around 3 pm, we ate. Then I spent the next hours just sitting around whilst the rest of the house was cleaning, getting ready for visitors. In the end I ended up in Oyster's new chair in her bedroom, listening to Nick Jonas performing Chains on Ellen. It's weird and amusing how after all these years, I still have this crush on him. Gah, he's just got these nice arms, is the thing. Discussing Nick Jonas with Oyster felt like a blast from the past. Around 6 pm, the visitors had all arrived, and I had decided that I'd leave then. Only, Oyster told me to stay. As did Mars. As did their mum. But I don't know if you know the feeling of being 11 and having all these distant relatives over, and then you have to go greet all of them because your mum says so? That's how I felt as I descended the stairs. In the end I left, halfway because I was embarrassed, halfway because I knew if I stayed, I'd end up staying really late. When Oyster and co moved house, closer to my own house, I figured maybe I wouldn't go on those visits where I stay the whole day anymore. But they're really good at keeping me to stay longer. When I got home, I was delighted to see that Perks of Being A Wallflower was on television. I was shocked to realise that it's actually three years old (2012), but not so shocked by how bloody good it is. I think Perks is a book I'll enjoy rereading throughout my life, regardless of how many times I've already read it. I just genuinely believe it's brilliant. The movie is a great adaptation, and I did spend a lot of time crying as usual. After Perks, I switched channel and was delighted to see HSM3! Another blast from the past, I thought, as I was singing along to the songs. Can you believe that HSM3 is seven years old? HSM is always going to be a part of my childhood, and I'll probably always remember the lyrics. Yesterday was spent at my belieber friend's humble abode, where I got a lecture about taxes and how to open a box of seasoning. We played Mario on Wii, and as per usual we sucked. We did however, manage one of the world we've been having a hard time with. Only, we lost all of our lives after that, and when it's game over, we have to start all over. So that was annoying. We watched a few episodes of The Kardashians, and my goodness. I just don't understand how people can actually watch all of the episodes, because I feel like I go crazy by watching two episodes, only. I stayed at my belieber friend's house from 2 pm - 10:30 pm. We mostly sat in the sofa, watching television and things. Darren went out some time, and I was surprised when he got back, because where did the time go? It's nice sometimes, just watching television with my friends. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. Anyway, I got home around midnight because my subway/metro/tube was somewhat late due to unexpected happenings. However, that gave me more time to listen to music. I do actually really enjoy the trip home from my belieber friend. And it's always interesting to people-watch when it's late evening on a Friday. All in all, the past two days I've felt more like a child than I have in a long time. Suitably, I am going to head to bed now. 

So open up my eyes, tell me I'm alive. This is never gonna go our way if I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

What a weird day. I've been almost convinced that it's Tuesday, but also had the feeling that Saturday was coming up soon, and therefore I had to buy some chocolate. I also brought sunglasses today. A great choice considering it was raining most of the day, and I don't think I saw any signs of the sun. To be fair, it's nothing new. If knowing the day and date whilst being in "praksis" wasn't needed, I probably wouldn't know which day it was then either. Working on my dissertation has made me realise how much work I have ahead of me, but I found myself thinking if I'd rather be in "praksis" right now. And I thought "hell no!". I stayed at school from 8 am until 3 pm, writing. Only, I didn't write what I needed to write, which is typical me. I've got two thousand words, and I'll probably end up using 800 of those words. But you know, it's a start, and that's good! The other day I was just browsing through Youtube in boredom, when I stumbled across the audio video for Believe by Mumford & Sons. Admittedly I was a bit sceptical when I read the comments, but it's actually really good. I feel like I fall in love and out of love with songs daily, but Believe (and generally most songs by Mumford & Sons) is a kind of song that I like. Ugh, how do I explain it? I am a person who likes a lot of different genres, and I'm always open to listen to all kinds of songs. And I can fall in love with a song regardless of the genre. However, there's the kind of music that's my favourite kind, the ones that stick to my soul, I guess. And I think Believe is one of them. There's also something about the structure of the song that's right up my street. I like build-ups, is the thing. It's why I like long cross country skiing races, or why I enjoy listening to Ludovico Einaudi, or why my favourite OneRepublic song will always be Waking Up. It gives me goosebumps, is the thing. And I can imagine running to it, like I did to Creep by Radiohead that time I woke up to see the sunrise. In conclusion, I really like Mumford & Sons new single, and I'm excited to see how their album will be. I think I'll go to sleep soon. I've been going to bed early for the past days, and therefore I've gotten a decent night's sleep. So clap on my shoulder, because that's an achievement for me. Also, am currently having appreciative emotions about my friends, so to my friends: give yourself clap on your shoulders for something good you did. Also just give yourself a clap on your shoulder for the sake of it.