om du ikkje veit korr du ska, så e det hvertfall oss to att i lag

I går kom jeg meg ikke ut av sengen før klokken slo 14:00, så på to episoder av Teen Wolf, og satt og redigerte oppgaven frem til klokken ble 01:00. Ser du den kafferingen i boka? Velbrukte bøker, det er noe av det mest sjarmerende jeg vet om. Kanskje derfor jeg er så stor tilhenger av bibliotek. Jeg våknet i dag og ønsket å lese prosa, så når oppgaven min er innlevert, skal biblioteket besøkes. Jeg har brukt de siste 20 timene av døgnet til å høre på musikk av norske artister, norsk musikk. Kiwi introduserte meg til Du Fortenar Ein Som Meg av Daniel Kvammen for noen uker siden, og i går hørte jeg på den om igjen og om igjen. Det minner meg seine netter, tidlige morgener i hybelen til Kiwi, mens vi delte musikk. Hadde vi levd på 70-tallet hadde vi sikkert utvekslet vinylplater med hverandre. Forleden dag satt jeg ved middagsbordet med Monchita, hun tok en andre porsjon av spagetti mens jeg pratet. "Hvem er Kiwi" spurte hun. Og jeg innså at jeg ikke alltid er klar over når jeg sier hennes faktiske navn eller "Kiwi". Jeg facetimet med Lynx og co rett etter jeg hadde spist litt laks og avokado til frokost. Jeg fikk se begge nevøene mine sammen, og det smelter hjertet. "Han ligne på ej". Det regner ute og jeg drikker utvannet te. Oppgaven min ligger foran meg i papirform. Redigeringene som er blitt gjort for hånd de siste dagene skal overføres til det elektroniske dokumentet, og forhåpentligvis er det alt. I morgen er det juni, hvilket er en måned for nye begynnelser. Det er en måned jeg har gledet meg til; ferdig med bachelor, starten på sommer og masse konserter. Det er også en måned for ny jobb, nye utfordringer. I dag ser jeg lyst på det, og den følelsen får jeg nyte så lenge det varer. Her er et sitat fra "Evig solskinn i et plettfritt sinn" som den heter på norsk. Skulle trodd at hele dette innlegget er dedikert til Kiwi, og kanskje det er det.

"It's gonna be gone soon" 

"I know" 

"What do we do?" 

"Enjoy it". 

I'm no good at aiming but I can aim it at you

Huske du den gangen vi gikk heim i mørket? 

Hånd i hånd, gående på stien gjennom skogen. Vi sang julesanger 

sjøl om det va august, ignorerte lydene fra skogen. 

Den gangen var demonene dei som gjømte seg bak skogens mørke. 

No gjømme dei seg i hodet ditt, 

og du gjømme dej under det nye sengetrekket ditt fra KID. 

"Kor e hånda di," lure du. 

Dinne gangen må du synge julesangene aleine, 

du må være din egen hånd. 

sit at the desk, look at the screen, think about the girl you could have been

I saw this picture the other day, and I read the caption. I thought (and still think) it's the most wonderful thing I've seen in a long time. What's so special about it? Nothing, really. Maybe that's it, maybe the special part is that it's so easy to relate. I don't know what it is, but I know I'd check out an exhibition with these kind of pictures with captions. I love the caption: "This is Charlie and she's in love". I am mesmerized. Anyway I went to school today, though I hadn't planned to, because I realised I needed to go to the library in order to finish my reference list. Although we did more work than talking, it was nice being in the company of Kiwi. Well, Kiwi did a lot of work, whereas I finished a fan fiction. However, I did actually end up doing a few bits and bobs that needed to be done, so I'm happy anyway. We strolled through the city for a bit, procrastinating-- neither of us wanted to go home because it'd mean we had to work on our thesis'. It was lovely, albeit the amount of people. I've been home for maybe two hours, but not done anything on my thesis. Instead I chose to clean the living room. My brother left for his trip today, and I almost only clean when the house is empty. I am going to spend the next hour editing, then I am probably going to make some spagbol for my sister and I. Tonight I'm also going to watch television! The Voice is on. Exciting things are happening, people. Good weekend. 

I am drawing pictures I'm evading. I will not use them

Jeg hadde mitt siste møte med veilederen min i dag. "Jeg husker det så godt, første gang jeg satt her," sa jeg. En del av tiden ble merkelig nok brukt til å bare prate, samtale. Hun pratet om filosofi og ex phil, og jeg pratet om at framgangsmåten i å skrive en bachelor for første gang er en metafor for livet. Ved slutten av veiledningstimen spurte hun "hva er det du ønsker å bli?". Jeg syntes det var et så merkelig spørsmål ettersom jeg straks er ferdig med bacheloren min-- jeg skal jo bli sykepleier. Men så tenkte jeg litt på det, jeg fyller 22 i sommer, og jeg har nettopp tatt min første bachelor. Jeg har alltid visst at jeg ønsker å utdanne meg til litt forskjellig. Så hva jeg ender opp med å bli, det vet jeg virkelig ikke. Jeg gikk ut fra kontoret hennes lettet, jeg ser slutten og mitt harde arbeid ser ut til å ha "paid off" som man sier. Jeg vet riktignok ikke det sikkert før jeg får en karakter på oppgaven, men følelsen jeg fikk i dag, gående fra kontoret til veilederen min handlet mer om å ha mestret en slik periode. Det er ikke bare å bruke flere uker på å skrive en oppgave. Jeg gleder meg til å ikke være nødt til å se på oppgaven igjen, men jeg er nødt til å holde ut i noen dager til. Før jeg tar kvelden blir jeg nødt til å skrive ferdig et avsnitt. I det siste har jeg sett at arbeidsmoralen har vært litt sporadisk. Jeg er ikke konsistent i produktiviteten min, og dermed ender jeg opp med å skrive ivrig klokken 9 på morgen, og likeså på kvelden. God kveld! 

all I really want is you to understand that I'm a mess

Tired of my glitter pens? I'm not, look at it! So pretty. Someone on Tumblr has been consistently reblogging pictures of Colin Firth for months now. Obviously it's led me to fancy him. There's a movie with him I've been wanting to watch for ages too, I nagged Grepper about it when I was visiting back in April. For the past 24 hours I've worked on my thesis nearly non-stop, and I'm pretty proud of myself for it, because it's not often things like that happens. I went to school today because Allie asked for my help. Initially I thought I'd sit by myself all day, except for when Allie came. However, I was wrong. There were more people than usual, we were five people crammed together. It was a bit of a reunion for my last "praksis" group, because they were suddenly all there, well, mostly everyone -- at my table and the neighbour-table. It was a bit amusing, and also a lot of fun. Allie even brought me cake, which was very nice of her! We struggled trying to understand Microsoft Word as you do, and in the end we were defeated. I went home at 3 pm as per usual, and I'm going to school tomorrow as well, because it'll be my last meeting with my teacher. My dad genuinely just Facetimed me to check up on us, asked if we had eaten and that we had to go to bed early. I'm laughing because the youngest person in the house is eighteen. I think that my parents will always treat us like we're kids. I mean, when my sister comes visiting she suddenly gets a curfew despite being thirty. Ah, family, eh? I might take up my dad on his advice on going to bed. Because although my body isn't tired, my mind is. 

Throw your heart to me. Let it fall and hit the ground

It's been a weird day. I woke up two hours later than I had planned, went downstairs to make myself some brekkie. My mum was stood in the kitchen, preparing something, and I realised she used one of the vital ingredients I needed to make dinner. She did the same thing yesterday, so that was great. We had a bit of a discussion, mostly me sighing because she keeps doing it all the time. Around 11 am, Lynx sent me a message about mum travelling to her, and about a person dying. In my head it was the afternoon, but it was really only 11 am. This person who died, she hasn't been a big part of my life, only a minor puzzle piece. But I couldn't help but feel really sad, sad for the family that's mourning her now, sad for all the people who are affected. I've got a picture of her in one of my albums, actually. I was dragged with to the airport today, and my dad tried to lure me into driving. We're both stubborn-- he won't give up, and I won't drive. I didn't drive, luckily, because I've not driven a car since last year. At least I think so. But we had a big discussion, talked more with him than I've done in ages. He cracked a smile, and I looked at him, amused. I'm currently working on my thesis. Forever doing that, it seems. I feel a bit like I'm working myself into an overdrive, like I'm about to explode sometime soon. I think maybe I'm doing it on purpose too, one last hurrah. It's like I'm channelling all my insecurities and nerves and thoughts into it, and well, I'll see how I survive. I am glad though, because my creative side has seemed to want to step into the light again, and I get the urge to draw small insignificant doodles. But it's good, better, I can focus on something and not think about all the other things that awaits me. One week left now, then I don't have to worry about my thesis any more. There will be other things to worry about, because that is apparently how life works. But I'm trying to find a balance of thinking about things and not thinking about things. If anyone has the answer, I'd like to know. 

nothing's gonna hurt me with my eyes shut

I forgot that my mum's supposed to leave tomorrow. My dad mentioned it yesterday, and I was like "what the hell, already?". I remember purchasing the tickets, thinking it was so far away, when my thesis was due. It's a bit funny because my mum is going away for a week, my brother is travelling the upcoming weekend, then my sister is travelling when my mum comes home, then I'm travelling when my sister comes home. We're totally trying to avoid each other. Eurovision yesterday was a bit disappointing. Monchita and I made charts and started giving points to the different countries, but seven songs in we stopped trying. I don't know exactly what was disappointing, but I was expecting more. Due to the many contestants, I think they didn't get enough time to show off Austria and all the strange things the host-country always do. And did Conchita even sing the winning song of last year? I also think a lot of the contestants this year were good, which is strange, because they were songs I'd listen to in my spare time. Not the kind of crazy Eurovision-songs we're so used to. At least the voting was exciting, they sort of mixed it up so it was hard to understand who'd win the thing. That and the fact that Australia was a contestant this year, was probably the highlights in my opinion. I did also really enjoy Belgium, because he reminded me of a genius child who is a serial killer and no one can frame him for his murders because there's no evidence. I told Monchita this, and she said "so you like him because he reminds you of a serial killer?". Yes, apparently. I'm a bit sad that the weather doesn't seem like it's supposed to reach a peak this summer. It's like I've gotten used to ridiculous warm weather, but I'm going to work most of the summer anyway, like I always do. It's Sunday, and I need to clean my bedroom, exercise and stuff. Boring mundane things. Oh well. 

when I saw you on that stage, I shiver with the look you gave

Been playing around with my glitter pens as you can see. They were gifted to me, mostly as a joke I think. They're One Direction glittery pens, and prior to a few days ago, I had not used them despite having them for what feels like years. But I've been using them when editing my thesis, and yesterday I decided to have a break to do some drawing. I'm obsessed now, everything just looks really nice when it's glittery, I think. I listened to Fearne Cotton's last show yesterday, and it's so strange to me, how BBC Radio 1 seems to be having this huge remake or summat. Everybody's changing and I don't feel right. It was really good though, some tears, and very lovely messages from a lot of different artists. Coldplay and Tom Odell wrote songs for her, others covered songs for her. It was lovely. I also realised that Olly, lead singer of Years & Years is dating Neil from Clean Bandit. It was coz Olly had posted a picture of them urging the Irish to vote yes to the marriage referendum (basically voting yes for all genders to be allowed to marry each other). I totally ship them, they seem so cute together, ah. It seems like Ireland is saying yes, so that's really great. I mean, people travelled home from loads of places just to vote, which I thought was so incredibly awesome. I decided to sleep in today. It's the first time in weeks I've not had an alarm on, and my dad came barging in around 9 am. Said: "we're going to the store". Usually I think I'd decline, but instead I groggily rolled out of bed and got dressed in record time. My sister drove us, which was slightly strange. It doesn't matter if she's gotten her license, my dad's still very much "do this, don't do that". I imagine it'll last forever (not). I've not sat in a car for what seems like ages, so it's always a bit strange. Also, I've not joined in on a family shopping day for ages either, and we went to a grocery store I'm not completely familiar with. Whilst my dad was looking at a coffee machine, I went to find what I wanted, and my sister went her own way. It's Eurovision tonight, so we're going to make food and snacks for it, I think. I'm excited! But for now I have to do some editing on my thesis, then I might go outside to enjoy the sun for a bit. Lols, looking at what I've written now, all of the artists I mention are British. Is it hard to guess what I favour? Good weekend. 

it's you that I've been waiting to find

Are we out of the woods yet? So I spent yesterday doing nothing on my thesis. Well, mostly nothing. I was initially going to meet with my teacher today, but I'm not done with my thesis yet (when will I ever be?), and it didn't feel right to meet with her when I wasn't done yet. Because I slacked yesterday, I really need to get some work done the next few days. It's eleven days until it's due, and eleven days until I'm free. It's weird, because I think I feel more sad then stressed. I told Ally, whom I've been talking to the past week, that I sort of don't want it to be over. Because this is the very last bit of being a nursing-student ever. We did a bit of reminiscing. Yesterday my belieber friend brought me home with her, made me food and brought me to her woods. We saw one live squirrel, and one dead. The latter made me scream in fright. I don't like seeing dead animals, and I've addressed it once. It was especially awful because we'd just seen one chilling in the woods, eating. We played a bit of Mario on Wii, this time with Darren. We didn't do any better or much worse I thought. But we only played for a tiny bit. I got home just in time to watch Norway perform in Eurovision. And we made it through to the finals! I was really relieved, because I genuinely thought we wouldn't make it, considering there was a lot of really great acts yesterday. I told Kiwi I don't have an inkling of who'll win. There's just so many good acts this year, I thought. I'm looking forward to watch the final, and to the live blogging by others. It's so amusing, like this picture. I still can't get over Australia, but I think it's funny. Alright, I ought to get some work done. Good weekend x. 

used to talk, drinking to the night

11:11. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I just don't know what to talk about. When we first changed windows in this house, I didn't have curtains for days. And my bed was directly beneath my window. I remember being in bed, just staring at the gorgeous starry nights through my big windows. I wish I'd taken a few pictures then, but you know, I didn't. I think these past days, maybe last week, I realised that I'm nearing the end of writing my thesis. It's both a relief, and a stressor, as my belieber friend said today. I don't feel ready to become a nurse, but when are you ever really ready for anything? I can't say I was very productive at school today, but I'm still one step closer to finishing, even if it's just a baby step. I'm going to blame it on Sugar, because we spent a lot of time just talking, catching up perhaps. Sally stopped by for a bit to say hello. People always know where to find us, as we're always at the same table. My belieber friend and I enjoyed some ice cream, sitting at the steps to the royal house. It's a really wonderful view, and it doesn't hurt when the weather is really great. Whilst waiting at the underground (I had some minutes to spare before I needed to get to my train) with my belieber friend, we saw a bunch of people seemingly about to bicycle somewhere. On Monday I saw a bunch of people in tennis gear, both in the city, and when I got home (we've got a few tennis courts close by my house). It feels like different days are dedicated to different sports. Maybe it is? Probably not. As of the past few days, I've been obsessed with If You Ever Want To Be In Love by James Bay; the live version, of course. Marble asked me the other week, if I could choose anyone to replace Sam Smith's spot at the festival we're attending, who would it be? I said that nobody could ever replace Sam Smith, there's just no one like him. But I'd like James Bay, only I don't think he's very popular in Norway yet. And as if she was trying to prove my point, Marble said: "who is James Bay?". Along with Hozier, he's one of my favourite "new" artists. Speaking of music and "new", Years & Years continue to make music to my tastes. Heard Shine yesterday, was it? And jeez, Olly is so bloody good live. Niall Horan played some golf today, and it's very interesting to see what he chooses to do with the days he's got off. I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but a month ago, or so, he went overseas just to caddy for Rory McIlroy. Obviously, I realise it's a big opportunity for him, but it also makes me wonder about him. It's funny because in This Is Us, Harry and Liam talks about if Zayn weren't in the band. They say: "Niall would have to be the mysterious one". And I've always thought that he already is. It's much easier to "read" Zayn than Niall. An enigma, he is. I'm a bit sad as I've realised I won't get to see the newest addition to my family when I initially had wanted to. It's hard for me to no prioritize family some times, because they mostly always come first. But, I guess sometimes you just have to wait. Lynx tells me that nephew numero uno is quite enchanted with nephew numero dos, and I'm not surprised. He's always been interested in babies, used to point them out, used to go look at them, even strangers. He's also a very caring 3-year old, so I think he'll be an amazing older brother. It's weird because they've got the same age gap as Monchita and I. Goodnight, I must go to bed soon. 

all along you'd be in my bed, make me crazy, make me want you more

When Thursday came around, and I seemingly suffered a bit of a break down, my go-to fix was actually One Direction. I was very surprised, because I thought I'd stopped. I've become so used to using One Direction to procrastinate, but I haven't for the past months, so it was a surprise to realise that I needed a bit of 1D. I did really enjoy the Dodgeball skit on The Late Late Show with James Corden. I really enjoy it when they're with someone they really know, because they're so much more comfortable, naturally. I just watched the trailer for The Scorch Trials, and I'm really looking forward to it. I've been missing watching Dylan O'Brien's face outside of my dreams, ha. I told my belieber friend that I was happy with my work today. It's not like I was hugely productive, but I did more than I had expected. My neighbour has officially cut down the tree(s) outside my window, and it feels so strange. It's been there for all the years I've lived in this house. I told my sister that I need to get new curtains. My bedroom face the road, which means basically anyone can look inside my big window. So that's great for when you want to flash people-- only I don't want that. But I'd also like to not have curtains at all. I guess you can't always have it all. Eurovision is on, the first semifinal, so I might watch that before bed. Bonne nuit! 

If you ever want to be in love I'll come around. I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up

Yesterday was a bit chaotic, weather wasn't very kind to us. I had to whip out my wool coat once again, in order to shield from the biting wind. Apart from that, it was good. I watched Oyster's younger brother walk in the "17 mai tog", and I had dinner with my friends. I always think it's a good day, regardless of what I end up doing because everyone's so cheery. We ate food at a new place, and I had a burger because surprisingly it was their special. I say surprisingly, because it's an asian place. It was good too, gourmet burgers are the best. I tried a new beer, and we sat outside with a view of people walking past. Initially it was just my belieber friend, Kiwi and I, which means we sat chatting about topics that are maybe not suitable for people who aren't nurses. Either that, or we're just really open about things. After sitting there for a few hours, we migrated to the neighbour, because my belieber friend and Kiwi so desperately wanted a certain dessert. Sadly they weren't making it yesterday, which seems to be a trend. We mostly ended up with drinks, and I thought for once that the ratio of alcohol in my drink was the kind of ratio I'd put in myself. Which means it tasted more alcohol than a sugary juice, which seems to be what drinks tastes (in my personal opinion). Marble arrived sometime, and I had to hold my hand up so she would spot me. A lot of the people around me wear glasses, so I never know who sees how much, and I always end up backtracking when I point things out. "Oh, you probably can't see it". Anyway, she spotted us in the end. I saw a really gorgeous man yesterday, and he wasn't even dressed to the nines. I just, there was something about him that really appealed to me. I wasn't very surprised, because he was exactly like the kind of man I find attractive. Admittedly I felt a bit bad when I was imagining him naked, so I went back to our conversation. I memorised the names of Darren's relatives, but I've forgotten his parents names. This does not bode well. I also memorised a code the other day. I mostly never remember things, so when I do, I'm always really happy with myself. Hence the bragging. We spoke about the party that's supposed to happen when we're done with our thesis, and someone mentioned staying up all night. It might have been me, but I really got obsessed with the idea, and thought yes! Goodness, I had a sudden urge for summer to come, ha. On our way home Kiwi and I bought ice cream. I decided to go all out, and went for one of the biggest ones. I didn't finish it, but it was so worth it. At the bus terminal, I felt like I was waving goodbye to my children, one at a time. I had a little chat with Kiwi before she went, and it reminded me of the chats I've had there. I've had some serious chats, actually, when I think of it. Anyway, she left, and I sat down beside a young man, waited for the bus to come. The bus was mostly silent, think most of the passengers were exhausted. But at one bus stop a few young lads stepped on, and they weren't very quiet. Oh no, there were chants, sing-alongs and one even sang the national anthem, which made me smile. It made me smile, because I hadn't actually heard anyone sing the song yesterday, so it was a perfect end to my night. Spending time with people you love is always a recipe for a good time. 

standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam to the curl of your lips

I woke up today feeling a bit like I'd had a few glasses of whiskey yesterday. I can assure you I did not! I'm not one for a nightcap. I did a bit of pampering today for tomorrow, but mostly because I was feeling shitty. Apparently the weather isn't going to be great tomorrow, and I have to admit that this year's celebration feels a bit like one of the things I'm crossing off my to-do list. I don't know if it's just because it's Sunday tomorrow, or if it's the thesis hanging over me. Probably the latter, which I've worked a tiny bit on today. I spoke to Ale today, and we ended the call saying we we're going to work on our thesis. Hopefully she did more than what I've done. It really sucks when you feel like you've accomplished nothing. But I know I've had a good day despite feeling unwell. My nephews (my goodness, first time for plural!!) are adorable. I've seen snippits of nephew numero uno holding nephew numero dos, and it makes me really happy because he seems to be really intrigued. I really can't wait to visit! Been reading a lot of X-Men fan fiction as of late. It's strange to me, because I'm not usually one for that kind of genre, but I'm always open to things. Is it too early to go to bed? Damnit! I just realised I've only eaten one bar of chocolate today. I fail at eating chocolate on Saturdays. 

how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist

I've been having a bit of a freak out all day, but it's a simmering one, one that lasts all day and only comes out to play when I don't want it to. It's been anticipated, this, but it still doesn't make it any better. I always feel in such a despair, and I dig myself deeper until I can't see the rational parts any more. It's been a few hours since I got home from school. I opened up the curtains, and yet again I was met with the beauty of a clear sky, and the tree almost fully bloomed waving in the wind. I was listening to Saturn by Sleeping At Last, and it just felt like everything has come together. In the song he sings "how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist". And I thought about the blue sky, the tree that blooms life to my life, and the new nephew that decided to finally arrive today. Freak out or not, it's been a strange yet fulfilling day. And that's just how life is supposed to be, isn't it? 

let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater

I knew I'd tire of you. I just didn't expect that you would tire of me first. Nature calms me, I think it always will, hopefully. I opened up my curtains and discovered the rain on my window. Like a pavlovian act, I ran downstairs to get myself a cuppa. The window is slightly open to let in the sound and the smell. Also listening to this gorgeous cover of Sweater Weather. I took a few snaps, some blurry and some not. Blue is my favourite colour, and sometimes I wonder if I pick up blue things without being concious about it. On my wall above my bed I've got a map of Europe, a little picture of Big Ben that I picked up at some tourist-stand, a map over the metro-routes of Paris, and a drawing of some Kodaline-lyrics. I watched some artsy videos on Youtube, and it made me want to get a new disposable camera. I took an earlier train today, as it was a bit late. There were some troubles with the trains today, and I thought of all the people flying today. I've experienced it before; trains being delayed when I have a plane to catch. It makes you realise that there's very few alternatives to get to the airport. Anyway, I got to school earlier than I usually get to school, and I got some silent moments for myself, before a few people arrived and settled in chairs scattered around the cafeteria. Kiwi arrived in my eye-sight not too long after me, it felt. The day went by quicker than I can remember. It feels like I was just waking up now. I got very weary at the end of the day. I imagine I'm drained from this constant working on my thesis. I met with my teacher (or instructor) today, a bit wary of what she'd demand from me today, if I'd end up jittery and with red marks on my hands from scratching them. I was surprised to leave her office with only being questioned once. Oyster, who I met at the train station later said "so you got actual guidance then?". I really did. The past few days I've been a bit stressed out by the thought of the time I've got left to finish this monstrous thing, and I'm still waiting for the inevitable breakdown. I have a lot of work ahead of me, and I better get started. But I think maybe I'm done for the day, don't think it'll be any fruitful working now. I am hoping that this week will be a good one, better than the last. I stumbled across a thing yesterday (via Tumblr). Someone questioned why we get so much more creative when we're tired, alas at night for most people. "When you're wide awake you have a stronger problem-solving and decision-making center, which is obviously related to self-critique. Being tired doesn't necessarily make you more creative and motivated, being tired forces you to quiet that part of yourself that holds you back". I sometimes tell myself or others to just write whatever pops into your mind. Don't edit it, and I guess it comes back to being too critical of your own work. Sometimes it's nice to just let it flow, then you can edit it later. I'd give you all the answers if you asked. 

I'm gonna take your heart, love you in the dark. No one has to see

Hello, what a frabjous day! Is it strange that I hope it rains? I could do with one of those rainy days and a cuppa. It feels right. For the nine years I've had a period, I've never used pain killers. That seems a bit strange, but I've always had a period that's been kind to me. I'm used to the kind of dull pain in my back region, a pain that stays pretty persistent. Bothersome, but still pretty close to no pains. But as of late I've started getting more pains, and Friday was the brunt of it (hopefully). Around noon the dull pains intensified, and I tried so hard to focus on anything else than the pain. Watched Youtube, tried reading a fan fiction, curled up in my bed in fetal position. Had to move each five seconds because that's the only way the feeling of pain dissipated, though only for a few seconds. I was pretty close to crying, actually, and for the first time I wanted to find some pain killers in hope that I'd get rid of the pain. Funnily enough I didn't know what to take, and I wanted some instant pain relief. So I put on some workout gear and started working out in intervals. I did this for two hours before the pain dissipated some, back to the dull ache I'm so used to. I could almost cry with relief. Exercising, it turns out, is the magical answer to a lot of things. I'm thinking about doing a dance-exercise today, do something random. It's always so much fun, isn't it? I spent yesterday at the library. Initially I was meeting Oyster there, but I was there before her, and I went to find a suitable study room. All the study rooms in the library have glass walls, so you basically see everything, and everyone sees you. A bit after 11 am, I saw a childhood friend walking towards my room, so she sat down with her friend. A bit later, Oyster arrived. I found that once all had arrived I would have rather wanted to just chat and catch up than work on my thesis. However, I ended up both chatting and getting things done, so I was happy with myself. Our childhood friend, Oyster and I went to the mall after the library closed, and I got to do the few things I needed and wanted to do. Our childhood friend left after a bit, then we continued strolling around the mall until we found that we didn't want to be there anymore. We decided to go to Oyster's dad's pizza shop. At the busstop we spotted our childhood friend again, and once on the bus we spotted Monchita. At the pizza shop Oyster spotted her friend, and I thought what a strange day. But then again, the area we live in isn't the biggest place. I still thought it was funny, though. We also got to witness a woman actually use the pick-up-line: "do you have a plaster? Because I hurt myself falling for you". It was not easy to keep my face straight, but I managed. We ended up power-walking to Oyster's house, where we mostly chilled out. I had one bar of chocolate, and that was all I could stuff in me, after having devoured a cheese burger at the pizzeria. I asked Mars to paint my nails, and I later on showed them to her mum who said it looked like something a first grader would do. It is admittedly not the "prettiest" manicure I've ever received, but I really appreciate it because it's intriguing, and it reminds me of Mars each time I look at my nails. I almost fell asleep on Oysters thigh, in Mars' bed. I was logy, after a long day, and if it hadn't been for my sudden request to remember the verse of Boyfriend by Justin Bieber, I might have fallen asleep. But it did mean that for the rest of the evening I was over-tired, edging towards drunken behaviour, as I danced around, showing off my dancing prowess. Of course Mars joined me, and we found great entertainment in freaking Oyster out with our great moves. I ended up walking home around 11 pm, like I seem to always do. I saw that the bus would soon arrive, but I figured I'd just walk, as it's always a nice way of cooling off and reflecting. A man at one of the busstops approached me, said something to me, but I was listening to music, so I stopped it and said "huh?". He asked for the time, worried the bus had already gone. He said thanks, after I offered him a view of my watch, then I carried on walking home. Gave a nod to a man, who, like me walked across the road when the lights showed red rather than green. The bus drove past me, but waited so long at a busstop that I nearly caught up with it. Logy, I was nearly stumbling the last part home, because I wanted to just fall into my bed and sleep. Naturally I didn't do just that, I washed up before I listened to Memo by Years & Years once, then promptly fell into a deep sleep. Hello Sunday, I have cleaned, caught up on Internet things. Am about to have something to eat because I am hungry, then I have to work on my thesis. I'm just really not looking forward to see my teacher tomorrow, but, for once it's at the start of the week. Not the end, so I won't be left feeling so, eh. I guess. 

I'm a kid like everyone else, so let me go. I don't wanna be your hero

To be honest this whole week has been a week I could've lived without. No doubt about it. It's just been crap upon crap, and I'm surprised I survived without having a cry once. Especially since my hormones have been everywhere. I told my belieber friend about my close-to-panic-attack-incident the other day, and I told her that after panicking about life, I realised I have such a great social network. I have so many people around me who would help me, who cares. Even my newly acquired T-friend sent me words and advice when I said I'd had a crap day. So, you know, I've had a shit week, but I've also had an eye opener. I'm so grateful for the people around me, and I always hope they realise. But I know it's not easy to read people's minds, so it's important to vocalise your thoughts. One of the things that added to the bunch of bad news this week, and might seem so minor, is that I won't get to see Sam Smith live this summer. My belieber friend already alerted me that it might be a possibility that he'd cancel, so when I got the news I wasn't shocked. I think I already knew, but I was still hoping. Always have hope. He was the main reason for why I wanted to attend the festival, I just wanted to listen to him sing Stay With Me. But I was reminded of Kodaline, and that time they had to cancel, and all I wanted had been to listen to them sing All I Want live. And I got to do that eventually, so my past experiences tells me that I might get to see Sam Smith some other time. And I also realised that although I'm devastated, I'm also still excited to attend the festival with my friends. Chances are that it'll be great anyway, and I think what I was most looking forward to was to make memories with my friends. You know, when stupid things happen, you have to think of what matters. Today might be a really fucking great day, so I might end up crying anyway. I actually think I need to. By the end of this day I might have a new nephew. My only complaint is that I won't be able to visit in what feels like ages, that's the only thing that annoys me beyond relief. But for now, nothing has happened, so I'm just hoping that things will be alright. I am probably going to be jittery throughout the day, probably won't do a thing. Great. 

I want you to stay. And if I try my hardest, would you look my way?

I går fikk jeg litt nok av alt, og bestemte meg for å logge av på alle sosiale medier. Det tok ti minutter før jeg hadde trykket meg inn på Twitter to ganger og innsett at jeg hadde logget meg av. Å logge av noe viser seg å være et godt tiltak for meg, ettersom jeg synes det er slitsomt å logge inn igjen. Jeg har merkelig nok satt pris på regnværet de siste dagene. Kanskje det har med mitt ustabile humør for tiden. Men det var veldig deilig å taste på tastaturet med vinduet åpent, varm luft og regndråper som bakgrunnsmusikk. I mens jeg lagde matpakken min i dag hørte jeg på en spilleliste på 8tracks, og det var en sang som gav meg frysninger. Jeg ble veldig overrasket da jeg oppdaget at det var en sang av Years & Years. Innser i etterkant at det kanskje ikke var så overraskende likevel, grunnet sjangeren. Håper at resterende av albumet deres kommer til å bli like bra. Forhåpentligvis bruker jeg dagen godt. Det hadde vært fint å få gjort ting. Det er tross alt ikke all verdens tid igjen til jeg må levere bacheloren. Om jeg hadde fått min vilje hadde jeg allerede vært ferdig, ligget i sengen min til jeg ble sliten av å ikke gjøre noe, spist is. Ja, andre ting enn å dra meg til skolen hver bidige dag. Men jeg må da gi meg en klapp på skulderen, for jeg gjør faktisk noe bachelor-relatert hver eneste dag, og det skal jeg ikke børste under teppet. 

I feel numb, beneath your tongue

My emotions are in a disarray. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, chest closing up and breathing seemed to be harder to control. I did the mistake of thinking of my life after my thesis, after the summer. I did the mistake of thinking of the life as a grown up with debt and bills to pay, getting a real job, settling down. I was just notified by Kiwi, saying we've gotten our work schedule for the summer. I think it looks pretty good because I don't have to work 100%. Last summer I nearly worked 100% and more often than not I had the longest shifts, having to report to the next ones. I remember one of the girls who also was there for the summer. She asked me: "why do you always have these shifts?". And I couldn't answer, because I didn't know. My only complaint is that I have shifts the same week as the One Direction concert. It also happens to be the same week I get home from Bergen. Oh dear, I imagine I'll be completely shattered. But it'll be a jolly good time, I reckon! Sometimes you have the best times when you're so knackered you think you might pass out on a bench. I spent today looking, finding and reading new research articles-- I thought I was done with it yesterday, but I got a few pointers from my Tumblr-friend, so I ended up finding a dozen new ones. In hindsight I think maybe finding new research articles was my way of postponing, avoiding the discussion. The discussion is supposed to be the biggest part of my thesis, and it's the part you have to use your brain the most, so it's a bit exhausting. I told Sally that I think there's a nervous breakdown just around the corner for me. I really really do. Due to Kiwi ditching my belieber friend and I today, we had to let some people use the second table, and goodness. One of them was perhaps the biggest imbecilic I've had the joy to listen to in ages. I just can't be sure if she was really dense or just playing it up, but I kept wanting to shout at her. Good god, my relief when they left must have been palpable. I've watched exactly three episodes of Paradise Hotel, but the girl who had sat herself beside my belieber friend would fit right in. Honestly, some of the things she said was like listening to a quote from the reality show. Anyway, my belieber friend and I packed up our things around 3 pm, then we went to a bridal store just to look and feel a few dresses. A wedding dress, I think, is important to see in real life. It's not every day you look at wedding dresses, the fabrics and different models. Albeit a brief trip, it was nice to walk through the park. I am going to finish reading a tiny fan fiction, then I think I might actually work on my thesis. Oh god, 1D drama. Was hoping that the fire was put out, but Louis keeps firing things up. My mouth was agape, still sort of is. Ah, just stop. I, this is like reading a fan fiction, not reality. Goodness, I'm going to go look at pictures of Niall. He's my go-to member of 1D when things go wrong. 

I see it every day you hide the truth behind your eyes. Honestly, there’s no need for you to hide. Talk to me, can’t you see? I’m on your side.

There was a hugfest on the train to school today. Well, not really, but it might as well have been. We were all sharing personal space with each other, and I'm not even exaggerating one bit. I can't remember seeing the train so full to the brim. The bus, yes, but not the train. Despite standing right by the door, I was afraid I wouldn't get out because there were just no space to go. So I kindly asked the man in front of me if he could move a bit so I'd get out. And well, here I am, at school, as always. It was very tempting to stay in bed this morning, to just stay at home and laze around. I personally think I've been good, working at the thesis throughout the weekend, and not only at school. So I thought to myself that "I deserve a break". But when I've decided to do something, I almost never budge, so school it was. Sometimes I feel like I get dressed to go to school, but when I get to school, I dress down again. If I'd have my way, I'd be sitting here in my pj's. But the moment I sit down, I unbutton my button(s) on my trousers/jeans/shorts. Most of the time I remember buttoning it again, but as I had a shit day yesterday, of course I forgot. I should mention that I wore a bit of a crop jumper, so I'm pretty sure I was sat with my buttons unbuttoned visible for everyone to see. So that's great. Ought to admit that I had a laugh at myself after the mortification was faded. That's the nice thing about taking the train, because most people are just strangers. And even if you humiliate yourself in front of people, you probably won't ever see them again. That being said, I've started to recognise people I take the bus and train with, so whenever they're not there, I feel like something is wrong. I'm pretty sure I usually take the bus with my neighbour too, I've just never greeted him, never introduced myself. So, you know, sometimes we stand awkwardly side by side. If I were to make a short film it would probably be about the commute and different people. Anyway, I lost my first Wordfeud game in years, but I thanked for the game, as I wasn't that disappointed. I mean I figured it would happen, but I got my hopes up around the end. Before bed yesterday I read this very good fan fiction about unhealthy communication in relationship. It was a lot of angst and probably just what I needed to end my day. It also made me realise I've missed reading angst that makes my insides hurt. I still wonder why my insides does that, why can something I read make actual pain? Anyway, I have things to write, so good day, as Bilbo Baggins says. 

yours is the face, that makes my body burn

I can't remember ever meeting a person who I wanted to hit to the ground. I don't consider myself a malicious person, nor will I probably ever hit someone with the intention to injure (unless it's self defence of course). But today I met a person who made me blind with rage, and I spent an hour fuming. Had I been a cartoon, there would be smoke from my ears. I rather suspect my rage had something to do with my upcoming period. My hormones are in a disarray. Kiwi told me once that I do in fact get mood swings. However, I still think it was right for me to be angry. It's important that, acknowledging your emotions for what they are. "Your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel whatever emotion you want. You aren’t being dramatic. You aren’t over exaggerating. You’re feeling. And that’s okay". I feel like I've just been feeding my anger because I read a fan fiction which made me angry. It wasn't intentional, it just happened to trigger more anger. I have to isolate myself from media, probably. I'm going to try to channel my anger into working on my thesis. But before I leave, I'd like you to read this little piece about how men benefit from women being afraid of saying no. Read it, and think of it the next time you say yes/no to someone. 

my eyes have always tried to see much further then my mind has understood

I don't often watch the news, my friends will confirm that to you. But an issue that lies close to my heart is the police brutality that's going on in America (obviously it happens all around the world, but it's mostly America that's been casting a light on the issue as of late). "[...] black men, like Freddie Gray, are 21 times more likely to be killed by police than white men". This picture, the cover of Time Magazine, I've seen on a lot of social medias, It's strange, the cover looks like a cover of a movie, and I've been watching movies about injustice growing up, and looking back at it, it feels like nothing has changed. Reading about Baltimore, Freddie Gray and the underlying problems is like watching a movie in history class. The problem with America, I think, is that capitalism is so deeply ingrained within the society, and it causes the winners of the society to become big winners, and the losers to become big losers. I could possibly throw in some statistics here, but this is not a paper. It's strange, and a bit disappointing, but until this whole issue came to ahead, I thought of the media, the news, as a way to tell the truths about this world. As it is, it's really not. Like anything else, it chooses a perspective to look at things. And I can't believe how any news channels in America is looked upon as legitimate, because from what I've seen, the news anchors are as objective as if I was to talk about my love for chocolate. The news have mainly focused on riots, on the violence and the damage the small percentage of the protests have started. They mostly never show the good things, do they. They're carefully choosing the colours to paint a picture. Martin Luther King Jr once said: "I think America must see that riots do not develop out of thin air. Certain conditions continue to exist in our society which must be condemned as vigorously as we condemn riots. But in the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard". Open your eyes, look at the whole picture. The news in my own country is a lot more objective, not so biased. But I still think that when you choose to focus on something, you're leaving something (that might be equally as important, if not more) behind. And that is also a way of not telling the whole truths. Another thing I've accumulated from becoming so involved in this issue, is a distrust to any type of authority. It means not only that I've developed a mistrust to police officers, but to every person with some sort of authority. It doesn't have to be an official authority either. This morning I watched a Youtube video of a girl talking about being molested as a child. When you're a child, each grown-up has a kind of authority. You listen to what they say, because you're the child and they're the grown-up. At least that's what people seem to teach their children. This is not to say that I think everyone should walk around being paranoid, but to have a sense of apprehension. When something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right either. I feel strongly about injustice, and I so often wish that the world could be a lot better place. But I have to believe that things will change (although slower than a snail's pace). Knowledge is powerful, I've heard. It brings you awareness, and as long as you're open to learn new things, to realise that what you learnt then might be wrong now, to always look at something critically, I think you'll do well in this world. Right, I just saw a gif from The Land Before Time, as it made me very nostalgic and sad. I am going to grab something to eat, then continue reading research articles. Good day! 

I saw your face in the crowd and you came out, just like the sun and the moon and the stars at night

My nail varnish is chipping, the weather is gloomy, I've just subscribed to get a "word of the day" e-mail each day, and there's still remnant of bird shit on my window. Welcome, Friday, welcome May! The flags are up and I get hit with a sense of pride for each flag I spot. As of late I've been writing a lot. Just not on my blog, it seems. In order to write, you have to think. And it's draining, so there's only so much you can write before you have to take a break from it. Yesterday I sent a message to my Tumblr-friend half asleep, and I think I did fall asleep for a minute after I'd sent it, so I wasn't actually sure I'd written it or sent it at all. The work on my thesis is going alright; could be better, could be worse. I have to actually read through my research articles now. I've put it off ever since I found them actually, because I'm scared I'll realise none of them will be relevant to my own thesis. Ah you know, I like to ignore problems sometimes, if I don't look, I won't find the problems lurking around. The past week has been a week of sleeplessness. Five days I woke up before my alarm clock. 3/5 of the days I woke up at 4:30 am, so that was great. On Wednesday I was almost tripping over my own feet on my way to school, and nothing made much sense. I suspected maybe I'd been having stressful dreams, because I have had two I remember, two I woke up because of. Luckily I actually slept seven hours last night, so I'm feeling fresh. I also had a proper breakfast with eggs and smoked salmon on toasted bread with a cup of tea. I've been yearning for smoked salmon for the past two weeks, so I went and got myself some smoked salmon at the grocery store yesterday. I wanted to go to a photography exhibition today, but I'd forgotten that it's a public holiday, though my belieber friend has reminded me multiple times. I'll go another day, though, there's time. I spoke with Lynx yesterday, she's been nesting more and more. I wonder if she realises it, probably does. It's weird to think that in a few days I'll have another nephew. Ah, the bus just drove past my window, and it's decorated with flags, made me smile. I'm going to remove my nail varnish now, let my nails breathe for a bit. Perhaps try to tame my brows, which I've let be untamed for the past weeks.