I don't need no one, have too much fun out here on my own

Jeg har vært på to ganske forskjellige konserter de siste døgnene, men de har begge vært helt fantastiske. Før konsert på mandag, dro jeg på senteret for å gjennomføre alle ærendene mine. Og en av de var å returnere buksene jeg kjøpte for et par uker tilbake. Problemet var at jeg endte opp med å kjøpe et nytt par bukser, et skjørt, og en kjole. Jeg som liksom ikke skal shoppe. Regnskapet for denne måneden vil definitivt være veldig annerledes enn forrige måneds regnskap. Jeg har vært på Telenor Arena tre ganger før jeg dro på Sam Smith -konserten, men det er som om jeg glemmer veien dit hver gang. Når det er sagt, tror jeg at jeg alltids har fulgt etter strømmen, og det var det jeg gjorde på mandag. Sist jeg var på Telenor Arena, var på min første One Direction konsert for fem år siden. Men da husker jeg ingenting om hvordan jeg kom meg dit. Jeg husker best Telenor Arena i hensyn til Justin Bieber det samme året. Og det skyldtes nok de mange timene jeg og min belieber friend stod i kø, og deretter ventet på at han skulle komme på scenen. Uansett, før konserten på mandag, tenkte jeg at jeg skulle gå på do. Men jeg gikk såpass langt for å unngå kø, at det plutselig kun var herretoalett igjen. Men det gikk to kvinner inn på toalettet jeg tenkte å gå inn på, så da var det liksom innafor. Det var en kar som stod og vasket hendene, mens jeg diskuterte med den ene kvinnen angående mangel på kvinnetoalett. Han smilte under diskusjonen vår. Før jeg fant plassen min, bestemte jeg meg for å kjøpe en flaske vann. Den ble helt i en kopp, og deretter ble det plassert sånn plast-topp, og de pekte på sugerørene. Jeg hadde egentlig vurdert at jeg ikke trengte et sugerør med tanke på all fokus på eksessivt plastforbruk. Men hun ene bak disken sa: "du må nesten ha sugerør, eller så må du jo ta av plastlokket". Så jeg følte meg presset til å ta et sugerør, men jeg kommenterte tilbake at jeg ble tenkende på all plasten. Det gav meg et smil og en thumbs up av den ene karen som stod bak disken. Han var tilsynelatende enig i at det var unødvendig å skulle tømme en plastflaske i en kopp, og deretter bruke plasttilbehør. Uansett, jeg gikk ned trappene til plassen min, som ble litt sånn på siden av den lange scenen. Jeg tenkte tilbake til da jeg kjøpte billetter, og hadde mulighet til å kjøpe billett til en av plassene rett ved scenen. Men jeg orket ikke tanken på at folk kom til å stå, og at jeg ble sittende bak noen høye mennesker. Og dersom jeg hadde kapret rett ved scenen, så hadde jeg endt opp med å måtte se opp hele tiden. Og for en såpass gammel person som meg, så synes jeg at det er svært ubehagelig. Så, jeg kan si at jeg faktisk var veldig fornøyd med plassen min. Jeg hadde kommet til konsertlokalet i bra tid, slik at jeg slapp å vente for lenge på Lewis Capaldi, som varmet opp for Sam Smith. Som regel tillater jeg meg selv å filme 1-2 sanger, avhengig av hvor mange jeg elsker. Men da er det ikke slik at jeg sitter klistret til skjermen, og prøver å få bra bilde av artisten. Hensikten er nok mer å ta opp lyden, så det kan bli veldig forvirrende å faktisk se på videoene i etterkant. Uansett, ble jeg faktisk veldig usikker på hvilken sang som var favoritten min, for jeg er faktisk glad i nesten alle sangene hans. Så det gjorde at jeg ble litt opptatt av å tenke på hvilken sang jeg skulle filme. Og det syntes jeg var veldig dumt. Lewis var sinnsykt bra live, og det som kanskje var finest var den første opptredenen, der han sang uten bandet sitt. Jeg elsker jo når man kan sitte og høre på artistens stemme alene. Han sang et cover av Issues av Julia Michaels, hvilket jeg syntes var litt artig i og med at hun skulle varme opp for Niall Horan på tirsdag. Apropos Niall; fotografen han har med på turne kommenterte at han skulle være i Oslo i et par dager, også la bandet til Niall ut bilder fra Oslo på Instagram. Niall og Sam har samme plateselskap, samtidig som jeg vet at Niall er stor fan av Lewis Capaldi. Så jeg hadde en liten følelse om at Niall & co. var på Sam Smith-konserten. Men, tilbake til Lewis: jeg syntes at han var ganske morsom, og det blir ganske klart at han bruker humor som en forsvarsmekanisme. Han har en relativt skotsk aksent, hvilket gjør det noe vanskelig å forstå hva han sier. Etterhvert begynte alle plassene å fylles, og konserten vi kom for å se, begynte. Det er ikke vanskelig å se at det ligger mye tanker bak hvordan konserten er satt opp, og jeg hadde gåsehud i mange sekunder i strekk når den startet. Det føltes liksom mer ut som et show, enn en vanlig konsert. Scenen så helt fantastisk ut, det var mange teatralske aspekter, og Sam sa at han og koristene sammen prøvde å lage et opplegg som skulle bli bra på scenen. Og det ble det virkelig. Jeg satte stor pris på at koristene fikk litt tid i lyset selv også, og jeg tenker at det speiler Sam som en person. Til tross for sitteplass, ble det mye ståing og dansing. Ikke minst ble det mye synging fra min side! Jeg begynte å høre på Sam Smith på ordentlig for fire år siden, og for tre år siden skulle jeg egentlig ha sett han live. Så dette var "a long time coming". Jeg og mange tusen nordmenn koste oss. Jeg tror faktisk at favoritt-opptredenen min var Lay Me Down. Og det passer egentlig fint med tanke på hvor mange ganger jeg faktisk har hørt på den sangen. Tror ikke det er noe overraskelse at Sam er fantastisk live, og i segmentene hvor han prater, så hører alle på hans vise ord. Etter noen timer med masse applaus og noe skriking, begynte Telenor Arena å tømmes for folk. Jeg fulgte etter strømmen i håp om å finne bussen, og endte opp med å gå ganske mye lenger enn jeg i utgangspunktet tenkte at jeg måtte. Men jeg fant heldigvis til busstoppet, og jeg hoppet til og med av på Skøyen for å ta toget hjem. Jeg la meg halv ett, men kroppen ville verken sovne med en gang, eller sove igjennom natten. Så jeg skippet første time med forelesninger, og dro på resterende. 

Jeg skulle egentlig ha veiledning i går, etter skole. Men det ble utsatt til fredag istedet. Så jeg reiste hjem, og planen var trening. Men jeg var faktisk såpass sliten, at jeg egentlig la meg i sengen inntil jeg absolutt måtte dusje. Jeg løp til bussen etter jeg atter en gang annonserte til mamma at jeg skulle på konsert. Jeg har en tendens til å tenke at det ikke er så mye kø når jeg drar på konserter på Sentrum Scene. Men køen var selvfølgelig lang. Da jeg ankom køen, ble jeg stående omtrent akkurat der jeg ble stående og vente da jeg skulle se Troye Sivan for et par år tilbake. Og køen fortsatte å vokse bak meg, men heldigvis ble jeg ikke stående lenge før vi begynte å bevege oss. Jeg er for gammel til å stå lenge i kø nå. Jeg er rett og slett for gammel til alt som ikke er komfortabelt. Dessverre fant jeg ut at jeg hadde stått i feil kø, så det irriterte meg litt. Men bare litt. Jeg var alltid veldig sikker på at jeg ikke kom til å få kjempegode plass. Og det gjorde meg intet å bli sittende lenger bak, i og med at jeg fikk luksusen å sitte helt foran scenen og nistirre på Niall i september. Dessuten så er setene på galleriet lagt opp slik at man uansett har ganske god sikt. Og i går var jeg antakeligvis nærmere Niall enn jeg var Sam på mandag. Det til tross for at jeg satt ganske langt bak. Jeg har nok ikke lagt skjul på at jeg elsker Sentrum Scene, og gårsdagen styrket bare de følelsene. Det er stort nok til at det er plass til ganske mange mennesker, men det er også lite nok til at det kan føles intimt. Videre er det bygget opp slik at det er litt ulike høyder på bakkeplan, hvilket gjør at man har mulighet til å kunne se scenen selv om man ikke er kjempehøy. Julia Michaels var overraskende i hvor komfortabel hun var på scenen. Jeg vil si at musikken hennes ikke er helt min stil, men jeg er veldig glad i I Miss You og Hurt Somebody. Hun er veldig sprudlende, og jeg ville kanskje ha stemplet henne som sukkersøt. Men talentet er nå ikke til å ignorere, og hun sang en medley av ulike sanger hun har skrevet for andre artister. Det var mye sing-a-long med hennes egne sanger, men det ble spesielt mye synging for publikum under medleyen. Det var forresten to jenter sittende litt lenger bak meg, som oppførte seg litt som kommentatorer. Julia kunne si noe, også kunne de jentene bak rope et svar. Hvis stemningen og settingen hadde vært annerledes, tror jeg kanskje at jeg hadde syntes at det var irriterende. Men i går syntes jeg det var dritkomisk, og jeg måtte ofte le etter å høre på de. Jeg syntes at gitaristen til Julia så veldig kjent ut, og han hadde liksom en mer aktiv rolle på scenen kontra resten av bandet til Julia. Hun introduserte han som Dan Kanter, og jeg fikk bekreftet mistankene mine. Jeg syntes det var ganske artig, for det knyttet mandagen og gårsdagen min nærmere. Jeg assosierer Dan Kanter med Justin Bieber, og jeg assosierer Justin Bieber med Telenor Arena. Videre så jeg på Instagram, at ja, noen av folkene i bandet til Niall hadde lagt ut bilder fra Sam Smith konserten på mandagen. Uansett, Julia avsluttet med Issues, og hele salen sang så man hørte det. I mellomrommet mellom oppvarmingsartisten og Niall, hørte vi på en rekke sanger, og mange av de sangene ble det også allsang med. Altså, jeg syntes at stemningen i salen var dritbra, og det virket ut som at formen på folket var ganske bra. Men det skal sies at jeg setter stor pris på at jeg har fått sett Niall når ingen kunne sangene, og alle bare hørte på han synge. For under denne konserten, så kan jeg si at folk sjelden var stille. Han kom på scenen, begynte settet sitt. Og denne konserten var mer tradisjonell som en gig, og ikke et show slik som Sam Smith hadde. Det er merkelig hvor overrasket jeg blir hver gang når jeg hører han live. Han er så flink, og det er en glede å høre på stemmen til Niall. Jeg hadde sitteplass, men også denne gangen ble jeg egentlig bare stående hele tiden. Denne gangen valgte jeg å filme Paper houses, fordi jeg forelsket meg i den forrige gang jeg så han live. Problemet med denne gangen var at alle andre sang med, slik at han lot publikum synge broen, som jeg egentlig synes er den fineste delen. Men det viser jo at man kan oppleve en sang annerledes for hver gang den fremføres. Jeg synes at det er utrolig fint når det kun er han som spiller på gitar og synger Fool's Gold. Stemmen hans passer virkelig til sangen. Selv om folk var flinke til å synge med, synes jeg også at folk var flinke til å være stille raskt i det han begynte å prate. Og jeg tenker det er viktig med publikum som respekterer artisten, men samtidig kan kose seg. Niall kommenterte at publikum hadde "brought your a-game". Etter den vanlige "nå er vi ferdige, men egentlig er vi ikke ferdige. Vi lar publikum bestemme om vi skal komme tilbake på scenen eller ei, og fremføre de tre siste sangene våre", kom karene ut på scenen igjen. Lyset kom på igjen, og det føltes nesten ut som en ny konsert. Han spilte et cover av Drag Me Down, som jeg ble veldig overrasket over. Avslutningssangen var On My Own, som er helt perfekt til å avslutte en konsert med. Jeg var antakeligvis litt mer tilstede i denne konserten, enn i Sam Smith konserten, fordi jeg var så opptatt av hvilken sang jeg skulle filme. Og annet enn en snap til min belieber friend av Julia som sang Sorry, og et bilde av lokalet til Kiwi, så snappet jeg ikke noe mer. Det førte jo faktisk til at Oyster spurte om jeg hadde fått med meg at Niall Horan var i Oslo. Men ja, jeg storkoste meg, og jeg hadde smil om munnen da jeg kom hjem i går kveld. Jeg sov litt mindre enn ønskelig, men bedre enn natten før. I tillegg til svært utfordrende skoledager, så har mine siste dager virkelig tæret på meg. Jeg var så sykt sliten på slutten av skoledagen, at jeg enten var i ferd med å duppe av eller å grine. Heldigvis skjedde ingen av greiene. Fokus for de neste dagene er prosjektskisse og veiledning med veileder. Ellers tenkte jeg at jeg skulle pakke bagasjen min. Jeg må jo faktisk sjekke inn bagasje bare for å ha med meg alle gavene til tantebarna. Det er ganske lenge siden jeg har hatt med innsjekket bagasje til Lynx og co. Men sånn er det når man kjøper store gaver.  

hope you'll be safe in the arms of another, 'cause I can't take the weight of your love

Jeg har faktisk gledet meg til å rydde i dag, for soverommet trengte det. Støvsugde faktisk madrassen, før jeg skiftet sengetøy. Også har jeg ryddet i kopp-kolleksjonen, for jeg har jo samlet på kopper i mange år. Kvittet meg med to kopper, og jeg sa meg fornøyd med det. I morgen er det oppstart av nytt emne, og derfor tilbake til forelesninger på skolen. Tja, det blir nok mer kurs-form med øvelser i dette emnet. Det blir spennende å se hvordan jeg liker/misliker det. Men dette blir altså egentlig mitt siste emne i dette studiet, og siste gangen jeg har undervisning. Siste gangen jeg skal være med klassen utenom seminarer neste år. Det føles litt ut som om vi akkurat startet på skolen, så det blir litt merkelig at vi snart ikke kommer til å ha tradisjonell skole sammen. Ukens to-do liste er ganske lang, og mye lengre enn de forrige. Det er mye som skal gjøres denne uken for at jeg får utnyttet de neste ti ukene godt. Jeg er veldig glad for at jeg kun har en eksamen igjen nå, for det betyr at det ikke er like mye å sjonglere samtidig. Planen er å skvise inn så mye tid som mulig til å skrive prosjektbeskrivelse, og finne tid til å møte veileder. Men det blir en fin måned også, med det fine vår-været, babyshower til neste helg, og konserter! Det er en sånn liten redsel i meg for at Sam Smith må kansellere, fordi han gjorde det med Bergenfest for tre år siden. Måtte gå tilbake i bloggarkivet mitt, og jeg ble overrasket over at vi faktisk så Ben Howard på Bergenfest. Hadde helt glemt at jeg faktisk har sett han live, men da trenger jeg kanskje ikke å angre på at jeg ikke kjøpte billett til konserten hans i juni. Men jo, konserter, det blir bra. Det blir litt travelt med skole, men jeg er jo fortsatt ung nok til at jeg klarer meg? En av tingene jeg har planlagt å gjennomføre denne uken, er å levere engangskameraet mitt for fremkalling. Jeg gleder meg til å se bildene, for jeg husker egentlig ikke når jeg kjøpte det og begynte å ta det i bruk. Vanligvis har jeg kjøpt engangskamera i tide til sommeren, men i fjor hadde jeg glemt det helt. Nå skal jeg forsøke meg på en treningsøkt, også skal jeg bare slappe av. Forhåpentligvis går det greit å stå opp tidlig i morgen, men slik som jeg har våknet tidlig den siste uken, så går det kanskje greit. 

don't have direction, I'm just rolling down this road, waiting for you to bring me in from out the cold

Altså, i går la jeg meg i topphumør. Jeg har vært veldig effektiv de siste dagene, og jeg følte jeg virkelig gjorde innsats i treningsøkten. I dag startet jeg på drøftingsdelen, som jeg har gruet meg litt til. Det er jo her alt det reelle arbeidet gjøres. Samtidig er det oftest i denne delen hvor jeg begynner å tvile. Akkurat nå sitter jeg litt på kanten, litt usikker, men jeg vet ikke sikkert før jeg har prøvd meg frem. Det er vel det som gjør det så vanskelig. Denne dagen har definitivt vært mindre produktiv kontra de forrige, men det var kanskje et bevisst valg også. Noe pause må man ha. Om jeg kunne blitt ferdig til fredagen liksom, nei da hadde jeg blitt glad. Men det er liksom ikke målet, ukens mål var jo å bli ferdig med teoridelen. Og den er i boks. Jeg har såpass mye tid på meg at jeg ikke ser behovet for å rushe meg igjennom noe. Slik som det går nå, tror jeg det skal gå bra. Jeg stod opp i dag for å kjøpe billett til Sam Smith, fordi det var forsalg i dag på morgenen. Jeg valgte sitteplass på tribunen, selv om jeg kunne fått sitteplass rett ved scenen. Jeg bare ser for meg at i en såpass stor sal, så blir scenen så høy at du sitter og ser oppover. Også kunne jeg valgt å sitte litt lengre bak da, men det er vel en del som skal stå, og det gidder jeg ikke. Jeg sier det, også skal jeg stå på konserten til Sigrid om tre uker. Men altså, konsensusen er at jeg ikke gidder å stå i mengder hvor jeg vet helt sikkert at det er mange ivrige folk. Mens jeg så på oversikten over konserter jeg skal på i fremtiden, så innså jeg at Harry Styles faktisk har konsert i mars-- to dager før eksamen. Jeg er også ganske sikker på at det blir min vanskeligste eksamen i tillegg, så det er jo fint. Jeg kjøpte jo faktisk billettene før jeg visste noe om skole, så det var jo alltids en risiko at det ikke ville gå som ønsket. Er litt i tvil om hva jeg skal gjøre, men hittil så tror jeg at jeg kommer til å dra likevel. Det er til tross for at Harry er den artisten jeg har minst lyst til å se av de konsertene jeg skal på. Sam Smith er den jeg gleder meg mest til, og jeg krysser fingrene for at det ikke skjer noe denne gangen som gjør at jeg ikke får sett han. Jeg husker fortsatt kalde vintermorgener på vei til praksis, hvor jeg hørte på de få sangene han hadde utgitt. Jeg har hørt på In The Lonely Hour utrolig mange ganger, og det er fortsatt en favoritt. Det er faktisk en drøm å få se han opptre live. Jeg skulle bare ønske han valgte å spille i en mindre sal. Intime konserter dere, de er best. Takknemlig er jeg likevel. Musikk er tross alt noe av det beste jeg vet om i livet, og det er ikke så mange mennesker som får dratt på så mange konserter som jeg. 

Why would you wanna play someone else? I love you best when you're just yourself

Before bed yesterday, I got an e-mail from Apple, saying Niall's album was available for download. So I spent my last hour before falling asleep, listening to the album. Get a first impression of the studio versions of the songs, as I've already gotten a first impression of all the songs. I already knew I'd prefer the live versions, because I always do. Studio versions are so refined, and supposedly "perfect", whereas live music is more emotional, in my opinion. That being said, Niall has recorded his album in a way that doesn't stray far away from his live music. Listening to Flicker (the song), I get what he's been saying about it being an emotional one. But I also think it's the one song that sounds the most "live". He consciously decided to have it be simple production, which I appreciate. It was especially beautiful to listen to in the comfort of my bed in the dark. I was hugely surprised and impressed the first time I heard his songs, and they're still impressive. I am having a hard time pointing out a song I dislike, though I clearly like some songs less than others. I just usually have at least one song that I don't like at all. I thought it was gonna be On My Own when I first heard the song, because it reminded me too much of Act My Age by One Direction. I honestly went "oh dear," when they started playing the song. The girl to the left of me seemed super excited, whilst the one to the right was calmer. She was also pregnant, so that might have something to do with it. The silliness and the very prominent "irish" sounds of Act My Age has really put me off. Back in 2014, I described the song as "pirate pop". I still cannot believe they chose to put it on an album. It's actually awful. Although On My Own has a very distinct irish sound of it, it's a far cry from Act My Age, but still manages to be fun. I can also relate to the song, and I love this line: "I wake up at midday and marry my bed". I fell in love with Paper Houses when I heard it live, but I think the recording is a bit off, like he's been standing too far from the microphone, which is a shame. I thought I had said my praises for On The Loose on this blog a thousand of times, but I can't actually find any trace. It was an instant favourite when I first heard it, both due to the lyrics and the funk of the song. Going from This Town to Slow Hands, I wasn't expecting the funk of On The Loose, so it was a good surprise. I was nearly gobsmacked when I first heard You and Me, which also has a great funky sound to it. Someone pointed out that his album is pretty much free of misogyny, that it's a very feminist album. I've always loved Slow Hands for having the girl be in control. I haven't got a certain favourite, I find that I keep thinking one song is my favourite, only to hear another and then decide it's my favourite. It goes on like that. The only thing I kinda miss, is the album having a "start" and an "end". As in when you listen to an album and they have an interlude. That being said, not many do those anymore, but I am the kind of person that appreciates that because I like to listen though the whole album chronologically. I like it when it tells a story. I buy CD's for that reason. Nowadays it feels like owning a CD-player is a bit like having a record-player. Yesterday I finally got around to do some exercise, since I skipped on Tuesday. I tried pushing myself a bit further, which is good. I felt it yesterday, and I feel it today. The weather is supposed to be pretty miserable for the foreseeable future, which isn't exactly inspiring and motivating. I'll try my best, though. I did actually sit down with my exam for a bit yesterday. I have to stop by school today, before I do the trek to my belieber friend. I feel a bit like I've borrowed all of the books in the library, and then I'm gonna borrow more? Guys, the library is a place of magic. Sam Smith is coming to Norway next year, funnily in the same week as Harry Styles and Niall Horan. There's no way I'm not going to try to get tickets for Sam. I can still remember how devastated I was when he wasn't coming to the festival as planned back in 2015. If I get tickets, it'll mean that in a span of four days, I'll be going to three concerts. It's hilarious to me. But also, what a week to look forward to. Right, I ought to go get ready now. 

I'm never gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me

It's highly tedious reading through research articles. I'm not exactly certain what I want to write about, which means I read though more summaries, and actual articles-- just in case I find gold. I've sort of decided upon a few, but I am going to do another search tomorrow, when my head is more rested. I've got to say, for my next exams, I won't have this much time. And it is truly a blessing. I've spoken to Carmila and another classmate today. I think a lot of us were confused, and I wasn't the only one who sent my teacher a mail. She posted the questions and "answers" for all of us to see. Anyway, I've decided to stop for the day. It was a really nice surprise getting a newsletter (a mail) from Sam Smith about new music the other day? Week? I fell in love with his music three years ago. There's just something about angsty lyrics about unrequited love that I adore. And his new single is actually nice, in that it's not like a drastic change from his old music. I am looking forward to his album, and hopefully this time around I can see him live. I am truly still on a high after seeing Niall live, standing metres across from me. And he's currently announcing new tour dates for next year, which made me think "seriously, are you gonna spend more money on that boy?". I probably will, although nothing can amount to last week's gig. I just really want to relive the concert. There's an actual school bus that picks up my nephew for school. It's so american, and it actually amuses me a lot. I'm just not used to such a thing, I didn't grow up with it. Is this what growing old feels like? The scepticism of the younger generations? I might end my evening with a movie, or something. It really is weird having so much time during an exam, it's a bit like I don't know what to do with myself. 

I'm a kid like everyone else, so let me go. I don't wanna be your hero

To be honest this whole week has been a week I could've lived without. No doubt about it. It's just been crap upon crap, and I'm surprised I survived without having a cry once. Especially since my hormones have been everywhere. I told my belieber friend about my close-to-panic-attack-incident the other day, and I told her that after panicking about life, I realised I have such a great social network. I have so many people around me who would help me, who cares. Even my newly acquired T-friend sent me words and advice when I said I'd had a crap day. So, you know, I've had a shit week, but I've also had an eye opener. I'm so grateful for the people around me, and I always hope they realise. But I know it's not easy to read people's minds, so it's important to vocalise your thoughts. One of the things that added to the bunch of bad news this week, and might seem so minor, is that I won't get to see Sam Smith live this summer. My belieber friend already alerted me that it might be a possibility that he'd cancel, so when I got the news I wasn't shocked. I think I already knew, but I was still hoping. Always have hope. He was the main reason for why I wanted to attend the festival, I just wanted to listen to him sing Stay With Me. But I was reminded of Kodaline, and that time they had to cancel, and all I wanted had been to listen to them sing All I Want live. And I got to do that eventually, so my past experiences tells me that I might get to see Sam Smith some other time. And I also realised that although I'm devastated, I'm also still excited to attend the festival with my friends. Chances are that it'll be great anyway, and I think what I was most looking forward to was to make memories with my friends. You know, when stupid things happen, you have to think of what matters. Today might be a really fucking great day, so I might end up crying anyway. I actually think I need to. By the end of this day I might have a new nephew. My only complaint is that I won't be able to visit in what feels like ages, that's the only thing that annoys me beyond relief. But for now, nothing has happened, so I'm just hoping that things will be alright. I am probably going to be jittery throughout the day, probably won't do a thing. Great. 

sometimes you're half in and then you're half out, but you never close the door

Hello. I just found an author who writes fan fiction within the One Direction-, Hobbit-, and Teen Wolf -fandom. Am mind blown now. I knew the name was familiar! Anyway, I've fallen more in love with the friendship of the cast of The Maze Runner. Funnily enough I saw that Maze Runner had won two awards yesterday on MTV Awards(?) via Twitter. So instead of working on my thesis this morning, I was "researching" the cast members of Maze Runner (and Teen Wolf). It's been a really weird day for me. I was at school before 8 am in hopes of a productive day, but it was anything but. At the end of the day I was whistling tunes that sounded akin old-people-whistling-tunes. And well, maybe it's not too surprising seeing as my alter ego is an old person. (I'm like 70 years at heart. That's why I'm "wise" as Kiwi told me the other day). Yesterday I finally bought tickets to a festival I've been salivating over for the past months. I had sort of decided a few weeks ago, but still unsure due to multiple factors. However, yesterday the factors seemed to disappear. When making decisions I always think about what choice I'll regret the most. To do, or not to do. This time I realised the decision I'd regret the most would be to not do. Sam Smith, Bastille, and Ben Howard amongst many others are playing, and I just couldn't not go to the festival then. Also, I've not been to visit Ale in ages! Also I'm taking the train, so that's one thing I can cross of my (imaginary) bucket list. I'm currently obsessed with What Kind of Man by Florence + The Machine. I am really enjoying singing it angrily out loud. I'm not sure what the song is about, but my interpretation of the song is that it's about emotional abuse. It's a very important topic as well, because I don't think people realise just how damaging it can be. I think I've said that I think everyone's a hypocrite, they just don't realise it. But I also think that there's a manipulator in all of us, and some use it for evil intentions. Anyway, back to the song-- it's really good! 

Sometimes I wonder; In any other summer could you have been my part time lover to me, listening to Stevie Wonder, under the covers where we used to lay and Re: Stacks is what the speakers play

I had a feeling today, that it was somebody's birthday or summat. But I couldn't put my finger on it, July 12th. It wasn't until I scrolled through Twitter, that I realised what today is: Ed Sheeran is playing a festival in Norway. It is a bit annoying, especially since I've just fallen for his new album. My sister told me yesterday that she's almost started learning the lyrics to the songs now, seeing as I keep listening to the album over and over again. Oh, Ed actually mentions two Bon Iver songs in two different songs, one of which is re:stacks, my favourite Bon Iver song. Anyway, I know that I would much more prefer seeing Ed Sheeran in a concert by himself, because at festivals the artists usually have a shorter set list. Meaning less time on stage. Oh and speaking of music; I went to the mall half an hour before it closed yesterday (which is how you avoid big crowds of people) to buy In The Lonely Hour (with the gift card from Sugar, thanks!!) by Sam Smith. I was searching the shelves for a bit, before I had to ask for help because I really couldn't spot it. It's always a bit humiliating when you ask for help to find a CD, because you've spent ten minutes trying to find it-- and then the employee finds it after thirty seconds. I thought I had heard all my favourite songs by Sam Smith by now, until I heard him covering Whitney Houston's How Will I Know this morning. He is so talented, and he never stops surprising me. Listen to the cover before you're going to bed. I reckon it'll bring you some peace. Tonight I'm going to watch football, and hopefully Brazil doesn't do too bad this time. I forgot that there would also be a game between Brazil and Netherlands, so I'm quite ecstatic. I don't know how the situation is with Neymar, but at least Silva can play in this game? I've got tomorrow off, which is really nice. Today wasn't too bad at work, despite it being Saturday and less staff. But it was nice to come home, where I promptly fell asleep sunbathing in the grass. I woke up on my stomach, in the shadow, and a bit foggy. If I spend too much time out in the sun, I get really tired, so I try to not be outside too much. It's a bit of a relief that the weather won't be as nice tomorrow. Maybe it'll be cool enough in my bedroom to sleep for longer than 8-9:00 am. I finished the book yesterday, and it was Attachments by Rainbow Rowell. I've read three books by her now, and she's good. However, I didn't like this book as much as I did with the previous ones. I just thought it lacked a bit of a plot twist, or a peak? Oh well, but what I can praise Rowell with, is that she does have quite original ideas. I'm going to make food now, which is something I've been doing a lot lately. I do admittedly miss my parents cooking, because they just seem to know things about food. I'm a rookie, and I don't know what to marinade chicken thighs with, or if that vegetable goes well with that kind of meat. Hopefully I'll come out of this a bit more wiser. Oh I know! I'm gonna go to the library tomorrow and see if I can find some interesting cooking books. Right, have a great Saturday. I am hopefully going to remember that I can eat chocolate and have some whilst watching the match. 

I wasn't looking for a promise or commitment. But it was never just fun and I thought you were different

There's something about full-on rain that gives a very lovely atmosphere (unless you're outside, drowning in the rain), and it makes me go prepare a cuppa and some biscuits. My window is halfway open so I can listen to the soothing sounds of the splashing rain and the scent it gives. I'm playing Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran from the Multiply album. I went to bed listening to his Multiply gig in Dublin, and I've almost finally admitted to myself that maybe his newest album isn't a very big favourite of mine. I'm not quite sure if he wants to change his image, but I think his sound has evolved a lot since the last album. And that's good, I suppose. But I'm a sucker for simple songs, so I've not completely thrown myself at the bandwagon. However, the first song I've really gotten attatched to, is actually Don't. I was humming along to it all day yesterday. And it's an upbeat song, so who knows. I try to never say I won't ever like an album, because I believe that I might not like that new Drake album (for example) right now. But in a years time, maybe I will. Or maybe in five years. And if I still don't fall in love with the upbeat songs on the Multiply album, I still have Tenerife Sea which is a very "Ed Sheeran" song. I'm actually listening to BBC Radio 1 right now with Annie Mac, and Ed Sheeran is playing in the Live Lounge later, so I'm looking forward to it. I woke up at 8:00 am this morning, in hope to have the living room for myself. I really enjoy having my breakfast in silence, just staring out of the window. At 8:30 am, I got an incoming Facetime call from David. He and I had a bit of a chat whilst having breakfast together. "Are you going to take another bite with me?" "Yeah!". He also made me blow on his scratches through the screen. He's so chatty these days, so I ended up talking with him for half an hour probably. He was talking about how his mum was preparing coffee, and he was like "ew, I don't like coffee". I answered "neither do I. Coffee is for grown ups". Then he said that he liked water, not coffee. And then we had toasted through the screens, which made him notice my One Direction cup. "You have a man on your cup," he exclaimed. He's so precious. Ah, I forgot that it's Thursday already. It's the final day of that basic traffic knowledge course, which I'm really looking forward to. I'd like to take back my freedom please. This weekend and the next week I actually need to try finishing the books I've borrowed. I've barely started reading the first book, and I've had it since Sunday. I think the hardest part about starting a book, is the beginning. If it doesn't immediately tickle my interests, I have to force myself to plough through. Not necessarily because it's boring, but I always have a hard time with that bit. I'm going to see if I can read a bit of that whilst listening to Ed Sheeran. Oh my god, Ed covered Stay With Me by Sam Smith. That's like my ultimate dream scenario! Two of my absolute favourites? And one of my favourite songs since March. It's my lucky day, I think. I ought to get something to eat soon. Have a nice Thursday! 

I've been waiting for an answer because I built this bed for two

I didn't get to watch Sam Smith live at the Roundhouse yesterday. After clicking on the link several times without being directed to a live stream, I read that the live stream was for UK residents. I was not very happy about that, but it did mean I could go to bed earlier, and catch up on some sleep. For some reason I forgot that it was Saturday, and that I can only listen to Grimmy at weekdays. Because I woke up at 7:15 am, washed my face and prepared some brekkie, then I ran upstairs to get my computer. And then it hit me that, my goodness-- I woke up for naught. However, I'd not listened to yesterday's show, so I ended up listening to it whilst having my breakfast this morning. I love listening to Grimmy and the rest of the Breakfast team, because they've got such great banter between each other. I did laugh quite a few times this morning, as per usual. It seems like the perfect time for a jog is a beautiful Saturday morning (10:00 am-ish). There were surprisingly few people around, which made me really happy. I just don't feel very comfortable with a lot of people jogging around me, because my competitive soul instantly ignites. So my inner conversation is something like "oh, I should run past that person, I could totally do that" "c'mon relax, just jog in your own tempo" "oh no, more people watching, should I run faster?". It's quite annoying, so I try my best to concentrate on myself whenever I go jogging. Today was quite easy because there were almost no people out and about. Also, I finally had a quite decent playlist. After my shower, I facetimed with David. Lynx and co is visiting my other siblings (Volla and Lumba), so I've gotten quite a few snapchats of all of them lately. It makes me a bit wistful to not be there with them. Anyway, so I was facetiming with David, and he constantly surprises me. They were going into town, and he was sat in a stroller, holding the phone. And he went like "oh, look at the troll!" and then he turned the phone around to get the troll in shot, before they walked past it. I was a bit flabbergasted, because everyone else was just chatting in the background whilst walking. And afterwards when Volla took her phone, I asked whether it was him who filmed the troll, or not. She confirmed that it was him. My goodness, these technology children, they'll be so far superior when it comes to technology. It's a lot of fun to chat with him, because the past year he's been really chatty. He understands most of what I say, and I understand 80% of the things he says. Because, well, it's hard understanding a toddler sometimes. I realised yesterday, that in exact 14 days-- I'm going to Sweden with the kilo-gang. The thought itself is enough to make me happy. Because no matter what, I always seem to have a great time with them. It actually feels like I've had vacation for three weeks now. Maybe it's because I've managed to do so much within a week. Right, I should go now, because I have to get ready for Oyster's birthday bash. Have a lovely Saturday! Drink too much water! Take care of yourself xx. 

I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears-- for you, I've waited all these years.

Sometimes I'll listen to a new song or an old one just before bed. Yesterday is was 'Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay at 1:30 am. The familiarity of the song made me a bit choked up, and the melody of it gave me associations to Christmas time. I've spent the past week wrapped up in music by Coldplay. And a bit of Sam Smith as well. Admittedly I've had a tiny break from him, just because I've been listening to Sam Smith songs on repeat since I first heard about him in January. But each time I see his music video for Stay With Me (or other songs) on the telly, the corners of my mouth cannot help but turn into a smile. I've just seen that one of his biggest inspirations for his début album was Maria Mena, which makes me love him even more. My father has awoken me far too early the past few days, and I've never felt more like a sixteen year old who has to be dragged out of bed. Ever since my sister has started learning to drive, my father has been engrossed in the idea of me learning as well. I could probably say no, try to go to bed again. But he has been going on about me getting a driver licence for the past three years (if not more), so I let him. I've spent the day reading in the sun. And well, Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell has amused me greatly. Not particularly because I think the book itself is awesome. I think Rowell is categorised as a YA (young adult) writer. But I thought Fangirl was really good because I think the idea is brilliant: a book about someone who writes fanfiction. I also thought it was brilliant because I recognised so much of the "fanfic lingo". Anyway, I am going to spend my night making a playlist for my jogs, because although Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran is a really lovely song, it just isn't very suitable for a jog. Hopefully I'll manage to live stream Sam Smith's concert this evening as well. That would be a perfect ending to my night. Tomorrow will be yet another early day. However, it'll be on my own initiation. And as I did this morning, I might wake up to see the sunrise (that was not intentional-- and I fell asleep again shortly after, because there was no way I was going to wake up at 5:00 am). Anyway, I hope you have a lovely evening and a great morning tomorrow. 

You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain. Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name

At 11:00 pm yesterday, I was sat reading a new book (which is quite hilarious), whilst I was listening to Coldplay's set on Radio 1 Big Weekend. In the midst of it, I stopped my reading, because wait, is that? what? oh my god! Coldplay were doing a tiny cover of Best Song Ever by One Direction. And the whole crowd was singing along. My day had just been so great already, so it multiplied all my happy feelings. I am aware that Coldplay has done tiny covers of One Direction before as well, during their gigs. First time they did it was when Harry was there, which must have been ace, because Harry's always been such a big fan of Chris Martin. Prior to this, I had been cuddled up in the living room by myself with a cup of tea, some chocolate, my book and The Object of My Affection on the telly in the background. It reminded me of my younger self, when I had a telly in my bedroom-- and I'd watch all of these movies before going to bed. And this memory made me very happy, as well as I got to watch a bit of Pretty Woman too, which is one of my all time favourite movies. In addition to this, I've been so overwhelmed with all the emotions that comes along with watching One Direction playing Croke Park. The cheers and roars that rise whenever Niall has a solo, or when the camera is filming him-- it's amazing. And it's lovely how the other boys takes a step back and lets him have his moment. "Help me sing this one to Niall, alright?” Liam said before singing Don’t Forget Where You Belong at the first night at Croke Park. Louis said: "This is for Niall" in one of his speeches. And Harry had a speech about Niall himself. And it felt a bit like a concert dedicated for Niall. I spent most of Friday night crying because of all the emotions with seeing one of your favourite people being so loved and emotional. So there's been so many things that's made me happy the past few days, and it was just topped off with listening to Coldplay yesterday. It wasn't even the One Direction cover, but it was Coldplay themselves-- every gig I watch of them is amazing. And I could just picture myself standing in a green field in Glasgow surrounded with people chanting for Coldplay to do an encore. I love Coldplay, and I said to Oyster the other day: "I want to collect all their CD's". It's strange because I never thought Tumblr was a place you'd go to gain knowledge, but it's raised so much awareness in myself, that I am so grateful. My night yesterday was topped off by listening to Leave Your Lover by Sam Smith just before bed. The music video is gorgeous, and the song itself is also gorgeous. It makes me so happy that I discovered Sam Smith, because he is amazing. His album is released tomorrow I think, and I would have grabbed it if I had the money. But because I'm broke, it'll be a bit of time before I can get my hands on it. I hope you have a splendid Sunday. I know for certain that I'll really enjoy this day, despite the rain and grey skies. Appreciate life, educate yourself about your own rights, and always question everything. Try to lift your head up from the ground, and see all the things you never normally notice.