too young to know, too old to admit that you couldn't see how it ends

I've spent most of my day in bed watching Teen Wolf today. As the season ending, series finale was shown the other week (I think), my Tumblr has been filled with spoilers. There's been spoilers during the whole last season, but I've tried my best to ignore them. It's just been amplified the past week, and I just went ahead and thought I can't not. I was really happy and excited whilst watching the whole thing, really. I'm sure I looked a fool, where I was sat fistpumping and grinning at my screen. Teen Wolf hasn't been part of my life for that long, really. And to be honest it's probably wasted a lot of my time to do school stuff. But then again, it's been the series I've fallen back to when I needed it. I think when you get invested in series, musicians, artists, whatever-- there's a comfort in them. I've become invested in this show, which is why I know a lot of these actors have become great friends, and share so much love for each other, it's kinda inspiring. It makes me happy. My face is currently housing quite a few zits at the moment, and I have to admit that it's really bloody annoying. It's been many moons since I last had so many at once, and it's very tempting to pick at all of them. It just feels like it's inevitable. The good news is that I slept rather well last night. I don't know whether that's because I didn't have school today, but I slept through the whole night. I'm going to try to be productive with the last bits of this day, get on with reading curriculum. I'm not as strict as I was with my first exam, because I kinda know how things work this time around. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work, though. I am a bit apprehensive about next week, because the thought of my sisters and nephews and niece coming to visit is stressful. I've got mandatory school, and I will still need to read curriculum whilst they are here. Plus, I work next weekend. Maybe it's this stress that's the cause of the invasion of zits. Ugh, right, at least I haven't seen Horatio today. 

through the hours of darkness I follow your name

Nå går det rykter om at Niall skal på turne-- eller, han har jo alltids skulle gjøre det, men det er faktiske konkrete datoer og informasjon. Kan ikke se at Norge er på kartet hans hittil, så jeg sendte en litt sånn pissed off Snap til han som han aldri kommer til å se. Uansett, det blir spennende å se om jeg klarer å kapre billett til hans konsert. Det hadde vært veldig fint å kunne dra på konserten hans i Dublin-- tenk på stemningen! Det er typisk hvis jeg har billett til Harry, men ikke Niall. Det har vært utrolig deilig å få slappe av de siste dagene, det trengte jeg virkelig. Brukte faktisk tid til å rydde i undertøy og badetøy- skuffen. Det er noe beroligende i å organisere, synes jeg. Brukte også timer på å se på barnevogner. Rett og slett gjort ting jeg liker å gjøre disse dagene. Nesen har nesten sluttet å renne, og nå er jeg egentlig over i hoste-fasen, hvilket ikke er så veldig deilig det heller. Du vet når det føles ut som om du skal hoste opp lungen din? Ja. Ryggen er fortsatt merkelig, og til tider så føles det ut som om jeg er sekstifire i stedet for tjuefire. Jeg måtte faktisk ta en nap i går (tror det er en rest fra Amsterdam, hvor vi hadde sovepauser før vi gjorde oss klar for kveldene), og jeg håper egentlig på at det gode sovehjertet kan gjenta seg i dag og i morgen. Det hadde vært deilig å faktisk få sove noe før nattevakt. Jeg er egentlig ganske spent på nettene mine, i og med at jeg ikke har hatt en nattevakt på mange måneder. Forventer kaos, men håper på et kontrollert kaos. Dessuten har jeg kun to netter, og det er faktisk gigantisk forskjell på to netter og tre netter. Førstnevnte er overkommelig, mens sistnevnte føles ut som døden. "Det fine er at vi kun har to netter," fortalte jeg til kollegaen min som aldri har jobbet netter utenom opplæring og praksis. Blir spennende. Vet du, jeg kan ikke huske sist jeg har lest en fan fiction, men jeg åpnet øynene for EVAK fan fiction i dag. Jada, lenge leve Skam. Apropos fandoms-- Teen Wolf er straks tilbake med den siste sesongen, og jeg har hesitert litt med tanke på om jeg i det hele tatt vil se på sesongen. Synes egentlig at 6a var en grei avslutning, og da er det kanskje greit å la leken slutte mens den er god? Jeg kommer antakeligvis til å se på sesongen, det er jo tross alt en serie jeg har fulgt med på i en ganske lang stund nå. Jeg skal bruke mine neste timer på avslapning og forhåpentligvis søvn. Været er på min side, det er overskyet, mørkt og dystert. Perfekt vær når man skal ha nattevakter, så takk værguder. 

down when the walls start shaking, I'm ready for you to find out

I almost had a nap today, but I stopped myself just before it was too late. It wouldn't be good for my night's sleep if I did succumb to the nap. I've not managed to motivate myself to exercise still. I just think I am too tired, which I think is my pms, seeing as my period is around the corner (according to my Clue-app at least). My mood also feels a bit flat, but also highly volatile other times. Upon walking home today, I noticed a driving lesson with a motorcycle. Today that consisted of the "student" and the "teacher". I have however, never seen a motorcycle just lying on it's side on the road. The teacher had to get off his bike, so he could help the student. Slightly amused, I turned around to cross the road to my house, and my dad's just sat in a chair with a cup of tea in our driveway. Our house is by a main road, and the driveway fronts the road. So we rarely sit in the front of the house, because the backyard gives us more privacy. However, he'd just been planting new thuja hedging in the front garden. It's my dad's birthday, and he's had the day off, and this is what he does. That being said, my dad's a pretty handy person, and he enjoys making use of his hands. I think all of my siblings have attained that trait, though in various levels. My parents and brother will be on their way to Lynx tomorrow. Monchita is staying behind, and I'll be here as well. I've spent the last few days (apart from the times I haven't been free) emerged into someone's version of the Sherlock Holmes universe, and to my great joy, they've made a series out of it. I've just finished the last chapter in the last part of the series thus far, and it's glorious. It always feels like I've found the gold whenever I find fan fiction that I really enjoy. It's like a treat, really. 

that girl is a real crowd pleaser

I downloaded a Sims app yesterday, along with a car race game. It's what kept me up until 1 am. I can understand why I chose Sims, but not the car race. I woke up at 5.30 am, when I had set my alarm for 10 am. I think my sleeping patterns have changed this year, and I've started waking up at least once a night to go to the loo, which is normal for most. But it's a new thing for me. That being said, I drink a lot of water. Anywho, I went back to sleep at 7 am, and I ended up snoozing until noon! I haven't slept that late in forever, so I've been feeling strange all day. I ran downstairs to put on a load of wash, seeing as the weather has been great throughout the whole day. Then I cleaned, as per usual. Although I forgot whether or not it was time to change my sheets. I've got a routine, but I haven't got the best memory. So I often use my blog as a tool, as a way to document things. That's why I'll mention things like "today I changed my sheets", or take a picture of my bedding, just so the future me can look through the blog to see when I did it last. The joys of not remembering things. After cleaning, I just looked at this painting that's grazed my room for the past four years, and to this day I just cannot believe Marble's skills. It's possibly the best gift I've ever received. The twenty-year old me was joyous upon opening the gift, and it still gives me very fond feelings. I've sat outside in the sun for a bit, reading Sherlock fan fiction, as you do. It was nice because not only was the sun warming, but the air itself was warm. And that's a nice sign of spring, if not summer. I'm going to catch up on some Youtube now, then work my buttocks for tonight's exercise. Gosh, that did sound a bit crude. I just do exercise focused on my legs and bum on Sundays (usually). 

no love, you have come too late

Did you know I started out reading fan fictions of the Teen Wolf fandom before I actually watched the series? Well, I did. I re-read a post about me starting to watch the series, and I wrote: "I am also really nervous I'll enjoy it much more than I initially intend to". I watched the 6a finale the other day, and I'm unsure of what to think. It's undecided until I've watched 6b, I think. Anywho, the last episode was filled with love, I think. It was full circle, and I'd be pretty happy for that to be the ending. Which is why it's so confusing to think of what 6b will entail. At the beginning of 6a, I thought the season might be my second favourite season, and I think maybe yes. But also no. Yesterday, I walked in the freezing weather, to my brother's place. I forgot to bring my mittens, so my hands were freezing (I was holding a bag. Otherwise, I'd stick both of my hands in my pockets). So far my winter-boots provide a lot of warmth. However, they're a bit too big, but also a bit squishy at the same time. Also, it's either super slippery (which it really is) outside, or the boots aren't good enough for the slippery roads. Anyway, I got there in the end, into the warmth and into the toilet so I could blow my nose. I haven't been in the apartment since my first visit, which is also when we did a whole day of shopping for the apartment. My brother has declined any help to put things together so far, so this time around, I got to see all of the furniture. I took a few pictures for my sisters, and to my surprise, Lynx wasn't in the know. That's what happens when you expect someone to tell someone something, and then it doesn't happen. My brother was making food when I came around, so I sat down in the kitchen, and we had a chat. He served a plate for me, then we eventually went to sit down in the living room. It was nice, we spoke of life and things. There's something about being in the company of my older siblings-- I always feel young. And at this part of my life, it sometimes feels good. Lynx eventually facetimed me, and I gave a tour of the apartment. Showed her all of the closet solutions, which we both "oohhed" and "aaahed" at. For different reasons though-- she's more like "oh, look at all the clothes I could fit in there", and I'm more like "look at how organised I could have things". I eventually went home, seeing as it was late, and my brother was getting up early for work the next day. I went to bed, had a really strange and disgusting dream, which slightly freaks me out just thinking of it. It was harder to wake up this morning, despite sleeping the same amount of hours like the previous days. But I got up, had breakfast and prepared for my doctor's appointment. The bus was late, which stressed me out, seeing as I had an appointment at a certain time. Luckily I made it in time. It's a trek to my doctor, really. The logical thing would be to switch doctors, but I am a creature of habit when it comes to certain things, and I rarely see my doctor, so I just can't be bothered. Plus it's located in a place where I spent a lot of years growing up. It's somewhat nostalgic. I basically just had a chat with my doctor (turned out that he used to work where I work), and then I went to have my blood taken. The lady had to try twice, and the second time I involuntarily hissed at discomfort. The other week, when I had my vaccine, I also got pricked twice. This time was the most discomforted I've ever felt whilst having my blood taken, I think. It's been such a long time since I've given blood, I can't remember how the bigger needle feels. I still think today's blood test was the worst. I don't complain, though, and I always tell people that I'm not bothered if they want to try again. I went by the shops afterwards, and I bought the most unhealthy pastry, which they only sell in that certain store to my knowledge. I shared some of it with my mother, and she commented that she really liked it. "It's because it's really unhealthy," I said. It's a good thing that I did another HIIT work-out today. I'm trying to implement one HIIT segment in all of my exercise sessions, before I do whatever I'm focusing on that day. Today I did arms and back, which nearly killed me. It's possibly what I suck at the most. However, it feels good to become stronger. I made soup this evening, and it turned out pretty good. Then I had a really good apple. So now I'm a really happy camper. Again, it's those small things. 

just the two of us and no sheets

Jeg har kjøpt sko. Gått rundt på jobb og tenkt at jeg ville kjøpe meg nye joggesko, og ville i utgangspunktet kjøpe samme modell som jeg har. I stedet for pegasus zoom (de jeg har), gikk jeg for lunarglide og zoom vomero. Det skal sies at jeg ikke har gjort en eneste bit research angående skoene, så jeg er noe usikker på hvor bra kjøpet var. I tillegg brukte jeg ikke så lang tid før jeg kjøpte de. Og det føles litt ubehagelig å bruke så mye penger om gangen, er ikke noe jeg gjør ofte. Skulle jo egentlig bare kjøpe ett par? Vet ikke helt om jeg skal returnere ett par, eller om jeg bare skal tenke "treat yo self". Tiden vil vise. Jeg sov faktisk igjennom hele natta, inntil noen minutter før alarmen min gikk av. Ene pasienten min spurte hvordan det gikk med meg i dag, og da ble jeg faktisk stående og si "jeg har det faktisk veldig bra". Jeg var helt genuin, for jeg følte meg våken for første gang på et par dager. Vi var relativt tidseffektive på jobb i dag, og jeg fikk til så mye-- ting som går den ene dagen, eller ikke går den andre dagen. Så jeg regner dagen som en god dag. Satte meg i sofaen da jeg kom hjem, også la jeg meg i sengen etterpå. Det var like før jeg sovnet, men hadde jo bestemt meg for å kjøpe sko, så da dro jeg på meg klær og gikk ut i varmen. Kom hjem med to par joggesko, epler og friskis. I morgen har jeg heldigvis fri, så tror jeg skal sove litt lenger enn jeg har gjort de siste dagene. Det blir utrolig deilig. Også gjenstår det egentlig bare jobbhelg før jeg har fri neste uke! Nå sitter jeg egentlig bare og leser Harry Potter fan fiction, min nye favoritt fandom. Tar en pause fra Teen Wolf, fordi det føles ut som om jeg har lest alt bra, og fordi det minner meg på den kommende sesongen av Teen Wolf og usikkerheten rundt om Dylan O'Brien faktisk er med i sesongen. Jeg blir knust om verken Derek eller Stiles er med i Teen Wolf. Da tror jeg faktisk ikke at jeg kommer til å være noe interessert i å fortsette å se på.  

du e alt, men alt har en slutt

Gårsdagens arbeidsdag var travel, men langt fra jeg hadde hatt tanker om. Det er jo slik at dersom du stresser angående en ting èn uke i forveien, så blir ting ganske skummelt. Heldigvis gikk det forholdsvis greit. Menstruasjonen som som en "overraskelse". Hadde tross alt vært med Kiwi på fredagen-- hun har jeg har hatt synkronisert menstruasjon med den siste tiden grunnet reisen. Så det ante meg at det ville komme. Da var det flott at det kom når jeg gikk i hvit uniform. Fikk selvfølgelig en flekk på buksen, så da måtte jeg skifte bukse. Pappa hentet meg fra jobb, og jeg kjente jeg var sliten. Sovnet likevel ikke før klokken var to, og deretter så vet jeg egentlig ikke hvor dypt jeg sov. Virket mer som om jeg lå og slumret inntil jeg stod opp, hvilket kan kvalifiseres som dårlig søvn ettersom jeg også våknet opp flere ganger. Var noe svimmel da jeg reiste meg opp, men hadde planer for dagen, og ikke tid til å ligge mer. Spiste frokost, trente, dusjet, også dro jeg avgårde mot byen. Møtte Marble på togstasjonen, også klarte vi å miste et tog fordi vi ikke fulgte med. Jaja. En dame spurte oss om direksjoner, hvilken t-bane hun skulle ta. Vi skulle tilfeldigvis til samme sted, så i stedet for å forklare, sa jeg: "du kan egentlig bare bli med oss, du". Etter jeg sa det, tenkte jeg på at man kanskje skal være forsiktig å følge en person som sier det til deg. Heldigvis er jeg ingen gjerningsmann. Vi møtte Kiwi, også gikk vi 3,2 kilometer før vi ankom Døgnvill. Marble var sulten på noe "drittmat" som hun kalte det, så vi tok oss like gjerne burgere. Etter dette dro vi for å se på kino. Jeg drar som regel aldri på kino med mindre det er noe jeg virkelig ønsker å se på, eller om det bare er en gratis kinovisning på Rockerfeller. I dag hadde vi bestemt oss for å se på X-Men. Jeg hadde lyst til det fordi jeg faktisk har lest fanfiction fra X-Men universet. Har ikke sett noe av det, så det var ikke det beste utgangspunktet, men ville likevel se filmen. Kjente at volumet ble litt høyt, og at ekstraeffektene ble litt mye for øynene mine inniblant. Muligens det skyldes at jeg ikke har hatt den beste søvnen, eller at jeg bare er blitt gammel. Jeg verken hatet eller elsket filmen, men jeg likte den. Og jeg forstår hvorfor det er så mye fanfiction rundt Erik og Charles-- det lille jeg så av deres forhold viser ganske stort potensiale. Vi gikk ut av kinosalen etter at noen hadde klappet (var ikke oss), bevegde oss mot terminalen. Kiwi gikk på trynet, nesten litt sånn i slowmotion. Jeg har aldri sett Kiwi tryne før, ikke som jeg er klar over (utenom da vi datt etter jeg satt på ryggen hennes). I tillegg var det et ganske dramatisk fall i mine øyne, så jeg var liksom litt i sjokk 10 sekunder etter det skjedde. Jeg forstod det liksom ikke helt, trodde nesten det bare var en spesialeffekt, akkurat som filmen. Det var det ikke. Hun kom seg opp ganske raskt, og jeg begynte å le. For det hele virket så rart. Som forrige gang, fikk jeg såvidt sagt hadet til Kiwi, før hun løp videre. Jeg og Marble tok toget, og hun slapp ennå en bombe til meg. Det er ikke intensjonen hennes, men hun har en tendens til å gi meg dårlige nyheter. Det var faktisk Marble som sa til meg at Zayn hadde splittet fra gruppen. I dag sa hun: "hørte du om ulykken til Dylan O'Brien?". Jeg så opp fra mobilen med en gang. "Hæ? Hva mener du?". Min første tanke var at han var død. Også begynte hun å snakke om at han hadde vært i en alvorlig ulykke og lå på sykehuset en lang stund. Ulykken hadde visst skjedd under innspilling av den nye Maze Runner filmen. "Nå ble jeg faktisk veldig lei meg," sa jeg til Marble. Og det er faktisk genuint.  Ryktene sier at han ikke spiller i Teen Wolf den kommende sesongen grunnet ulykken og sånn, og da vil jeg såklart savne Stiles. Men det som virkelig slo meg var at jeg faktisk ble veldig redd for ham. Ble urolig, og i stad da jeg kom hjem var jeg nesten på gråten. Vil liksom bare se at han har det bra-- be han legge seg i sengen sin, brette dynen rundt ham og gi han et nattakyss på pannen. Huff, livet er spennende, men skummelt. Nå gleder jeg meg til å sove, slappe av. Gratulerer med dagen Oyster. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22. 

All my favourite conversations always made in the am, cause we don't know what we're saying. We're just swimming round in our glasses, talking out of our asses

Hei. I går var det sol for første gang på kanskje en uke. Kanskje jeg overdriver, men alt jeg husker fra de siste dagene er at det har vært en fæl tåke konstant. Det gjorde at alt støvet som hopet seg opp, ble veldig synlig, så jeg ryddet endelig rommet mitt. La det på vent forrige søndag da jeg var overtrøtt og sliten. I stedet for å se på The Proposal på fredag, endte jeg opp med å se på Star Trek. Jeg har alltid visst litt om Star Trek, akkurat som Star Wars, da begge er en del av popkulturen. Inntil fredagskvelden hadde jeg verken sett på Star Trek eller Star Wars, men må innrømme at jeg kunne mer om sistnevnte enn førstnevnte. Usikker på hvorfor, kanskje fordi Star Wars er mer populært i min omgangskrets. I det siste (kanskje siste måneden ellerno) har jeg lest en del Star Trek fan-fiction. Jepp. Og da jeg satte meg ned for å se på The Proposal, så jeg at Star Trek gikk på tv'n. "Så beleilig," tenkte jeg. Dette var filmen som hadde premiere i 2009. I går gikk etterfølgeren, og jeg satte meg ned i sofaen atter en gang. Jeg må innrømme at jeg er overrasket over hvor mye jeg likte Star Trek. Og nå gleder jeg meg til neste film kommer ut. Kjente jeg faktisk skulle ønske Halloween var tilbake, slik at jeg kunne kle meg ut som en fra Star Trek. I dag har jeg pakket mine første julegaver dette året. De fleste var riktignok ikke mine egne, men heller min søsters, som jeg har brakt med meg hjem og deretter pakket for henne. Det er veldig rart for meg å tenke at vi snart er halvveis inn denne måneden, hvilket betyr at desember er rundt hjørnet. Desember betyr jul for meg, og vanligvis ville dette betydd at jeg alt hadde litt julestemning. Men den er fraværende ennå. Det hadde vært veldig deilig å ha julestemning til riktig tid. I dag fikk jeg endelig motivert meg selv til å trene litt. Kroppen har egentlig vært litt merkelig i dag, sliten kanskje. Blitt litt forkjølet, nå som jeg endelig hadde fri. Naturligvis. Herregud, leste nettopp at 1D skal gjøre en live lounge! En live lounge betyr at en artist spiller et cover og en live versjon av deres egen sang, vanligvis sin nyeste singel. Dette skjer på BBC Radio 1. Det er verdt å sjekke ut via Youtube, for det er alltid noen som virkelig lager gode cover. Årsaken til at jeg er spent på dette, er at One Direction aldri har gjort dette før. De skal imidlertid gjøre en spesiell versjon, der de skal spille flere sanger, har jeg lest. Jeg har ingen klager, ha. I morgen skal jeg møte kilo-gjengen, hvilket er et gjensyn jeg ser frem til. Ser vanligvis frem til alle gjensyn. Vi har ikke vært samlet hele gjengen siden juni kanskje, så det blir nok bra. 

I can be the subject of your dreams

I've been trying to live by the words "do whatever makes you happy". Once a thing no longer makes me happy, gives me more grief than happiness, I try to cut it out. I realised a few months ago, that spending so much time in the One Direction fandom on Tumblr was starting to give me more grief. It took me a few months until I started cutting back on the time I spent there, then I eventually started unfollowing blogs I knew brought more negativity than positivity to my life. Once I did, it was less hard than I had imagined. Because those were blogs I'd followed for years now, people I've followed. Twitter is something I check up on rarely now, and I also unfollowed a bunch of people who gave me more negative vibes. On Facebook my dashboard is only filled with news from people I want to hear news from. I've been throwing away stuff, slowly, but surely. One of these days I'll go through my memory box and probably throw out half of it's content. I think I am doing a cleanse of some sort. The dictionary defines it as to make clean or to remove by or as if by cleaning (ex: to cleanse sin from the soul). It's never been a concious decision, it's something I realised not long ago when I was throwing out half of my underwear collection and most of my make-up. I guess I'm starting anew, tired of holding onto the things that used to be me. I'm still very much me, but not the person I used to be. I read a quote on a pillow case, I think, when I was wandering through the mall the other day. It said something about how you don't travel to discover yourself, but to make yourself. And it really hit me, because everyone keeps talking about how travelling is a way to discover yourself, or "finding yourself". But it really is about making yourself. Your whole life is about becoming a person. I buy a lot of my music, preferably on compact discs, also known as CD's. Why? When I was about 16-17, my English teacher talked about how the release of a CD cover used to be a huge thing, and how having the CD in your own hands was a big part of enjoying the music. And I found that I agreed. Most albums is a story, like a fashion collection, there should be a link between the songs. When I buy a new CD, the first thing I do is to listen through the whole thing, and read the booklet. The booklet usually holds lyrics to the songs, and dedications. When I bought 1989 by Taylor Swift, I did exactly this. And what was different, was that she'd written an honest and really genuine foreword to the album that explains a lot about the new sound. There's a line, that I especially enjoyed reading, and I'm sure I've mentioned it before: "I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new". It's just a bit of a reminder that you won't always be the same person you are, you're constantly changing. Admittedly I spent yesterday watching videos of One Direction performing, and it made me smile. Which again reminded me that it's not One Direction that was giving me grief, but the fandom and all the other buzz around. I went to the cinema with Sugar and Marble today which was really good. I met up with Sugar before, because she'd just gotten off work and had a bit of time before the movie started. I hadn't seen Sugar for ages, so it was really nice to catch up with her. Both of us ordered a pizza, and we only ended up eating half of them, because we didn't have time. Usually when I eat, I mostly eat rather than talk. But I was quite talkative today, I thought. On our way to the cinema, I called Kiwi who was supposed to watch the movie with us, but had to cancel. At that point I'd forgotten that Marble was going to watch it with us, but Kiwi reminded me. I'm forgetful, I reminded Sugar. I'm old to my bones. Kiwi also had to remind me of a thing I'm doing on Saturday. I thought she was joking with me at first, but she was telling the truth. Oh well. We got to the cinema just in time, bought tickets, half-yelled at a bunch of teenagers, sat down in our seats and chatted until the movie started. It was good, nerve-wrecking and a bit sad. The plot was expected and unexpected at the same time, I thought. If Marble could have had it her way, she'd have the characters turn into characters in Sims and decide their actions. In other words, she was quite agitated. Also, I have to admit that old hotels give me the creeps. After the movie, we sat down for tea and talked some more. That's what you do when you've not seen people in awhile, I guess. I kind of had to smile, because it's been a long time since it was just the three of us. We also sat down at a restaurant I feel like I've been at frequently. Like, I even recognise the staff. Sugar pitched an idea about exercise, in which I responded "I feel like I'll end up lying on the grass and crying". But it also sounded quite fun, so I really hope we'll follow through with that idea. All in all, it's been a really great day for me, and I'm really glad to have met up with Sugar and Marble today. 

I've got fire for a heart, I'm not scared of the dark. You've never seen it look so easy

When I read that e-mail from One Direction yesterday, I initially thought it was a joke. But they provided me with a link to the new song, and I heard a preview of it, and I just didn't know what to think. The first thing I did really, was to run to Monchita. "Can you hear this?" I asked, whilst the preview was playing. "Yes?" she hesitantly answered, to my probably manic face. "That's One Direction," I said. She wasn't even surprised. It's safe to say it's not exactly the direction I thought they were going-- I thought they'd continue in the rocky- folky- tunes. It's still very much rocky, and the new album will probably be rocky. I've listened to the song quite a few times now, and I almost know all the lyrics. My favourite part always seem to be Niall's part, and it's not different this time. There's just something about his voice, and the flow of it, that makes the second verse (he sings the second verse and the bridge a few times) sound almost effortless. I do also love Harry's ad libs at the end of the song. So good. According to what I've read, the song has done good. And I'm pretty surprised and proud of the boys for finally beating the fans, and releasing their single before it got leaked. It was supposed to be released next week I think? But they decided to release it earlier, maybe they learned from how Fireproof went down. Not 24 hours later, they performed it live on their show in Indianapolis, and I'm super jealous of the people who got to listen to it live for the very first time. I'm especially proud because One Direction has been so bad at promoting their things the past few years. But this, this first single, I think they did completely right. And it was such an important single too, their first after Zayn's departure. It's like a sign saying: "hey, we're doing better than good". One Direction could have been dead months ago, if they hadn't carried on and powered through. Zayn up and left the band in the midst of the OTRA tour four months ago. They changed parts of their setlist, adjusted to the change, wrote and recorded a new album, and just released a new single. It's been four months, and if that doesn't say that they work bloody hard, then I don't know. I realise I'll always be bound to One Direction somehow, just like I still get excited about the Jonas Brothers. I just have to accept this fact. Anyway, I spent this morning in IKEA, where we bought various things, and then got home to set the things together. I am currently sat in the sofa, typing away, and eating Crunchy Nougat chocolate by Lindt. It's heavenly. My plan is to finish reading a book, reading fan fiction and do some planning for the Paris trip. It's much easier to take time to plan when you've got time off, rather than wait until I don't have time for it. I'm still overly excited to use my new luggage, coz I'm so strange. Happy Saturday! 

sometimes you're half in and then you're half out, but you never close the door

Hello. I just found an author who writes fan fiction within the One Direction-, Hobbit-, and Teen Wolf -fandom. Am mind blown now. I knew the name was familiar! Anyway, I've fallen more in love with the friendship of the cast of The Maze Runner. Funnily enough I saw that Maze Runner had won two awards yesterday on MTV Awards(?) via Twitter. So instead of working on my thesis this morning, I was "researching" the cast members of Maze Runner (and Teen Wolf). It's been a really weird day for me. I was at school before 8 am in hopes of a productive day, but it was anything but. At the end of the day I was whistling tunes that sounded akin old-people-whistling-tunes. And well, maybe it's not too surprising seeing as my alter ego is an old person. (I'm like 70 years at heart. That's why I'm "wise" as Kiwi told me the other day). Yesterday I finally bought tickets to a festival I've been salivating over for the past months. I had sort of decided a few weeks ago, but still unsure due to multiple factors. However, yesterday the factors seemed to disappear. When making decisions I always think about what choice I'll regret the most. To do, or not to do. This time I realised the decision I'd regret the most would be to not do. Sam Smith, Bastille, and Ben Howard amongst many others are playing, and I just couldn't not go to the festival then. Also, I've not been to visit Ale in ages! Also I'm taking the train, so that's one thing I can cross of my (imaginary) bucket list. I'm currently obsessed with What Kind of Man by Florence + The Machine. I am really enjoying singing it angrily out loud. I'm not sure what the song is about, but my interpretation of the song is that it's about emotional abuse. It's a very important topic as well, because I don't think people realise just how damaging it can be. I think I've said that I think everyone's a hypocrite, they just don't realise it. But I also think that there's a manipulator in all of us, and some use it for evil intentions. Anyway, back to the song-- it's really good! 

I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear. I'm the face that you have to face, mirrored in your stare

I am still a bit upset about Zayn leaving One Direction, and I probably will for a long time. I just can't listen to a song of theirs without flinching and quickly changing the song. Because I wanted to release emotions and look back at the good ol' days, I watched This Is Us yesterday. It was a good decision, because though I was sad, it also made me happy. It reminded me of how much joy this band has brought me. Now I'm looking forward to the times all of them will be gathered, because I've always been a fan of their friendship before anything else. It's quite amazing to see how much a person from this band can affect the world this much. There were a lot of nice and supportive tweets from different celebrities. It's not a new thing; someone leaving a band. And in some way I'm lucky that I've been in so many fandoms and experienced splits and whatnot, so I'm not crushed. Today was a very tiring day. I'd expected loads of rain, but when I woke up, all I could see was snow. On the bright side, I got to wear my coat. On the not-so bright side, I almost turned into a snow man whilst waiting for the bus. I genuinely ended up with a lump of snow behind my ear, because it was snowing in that direction. My train had to drive another route due to traffic and we stopped quite often due to lack of signal and stuff. But I have to admit that despite it taking me 40 minutes longer to get to school due to the long train ride, it was quite nice. And my usual route is through tunnels, which means you can't see anything. But then I had to walk in the snow again, and I got a snow-shower as I call it. Drenched in melting snow, I escaped to the toilets the moment I arrived at school. Kiwi, Marble and I had initially planned to have an easter brekkie together, but it was very delayed, and Marble couldn't make it due to the weather. I brought two boiled eggs, one for me and one for Kiwi. My belieber friend looked at me in horror as I was eating bread with something else than cheese and ham. I had my first guidance? meeting with my teacher today, and it was a bit like I expected. Thus far my thesis has been something distant. It's just been this paper that I have to finish, but nothing more than that. Today was a bit like a reality-check as my belieber friend so nicely put it. I just realised just how much work it is, and that I have to get cracking. I thought to myself on the way home today (which took me 50 minutes longer than usual) that it's a good thing a mormon said a prayer about my thesis. Yes, that happened. Marble, Kiwi and my belieber friend were almost aghast when I told them about my scheduled meeting with the mormons yesterday. When I left them at our favourite table in the school canteen to meet up with the mormons, they basically treated me like a child who was about to get kidnapped. I followed my gut, and it ended up being a nice meeting though I'm not going to become a mormon in the nearest future. Marble said: "you're just a naturally curious person". I guess I am. I'm really hoping the traffic will be alright tomorrow, because you know I have anxiety about missing my plane. Agh. Right now I have to have a shower, pack and print out some research articles. The latter sounds so much fun! I am bringing my laptop when travelling, because I am going to try to get some work done. However, I'm not so sure how much blogging there will be? Have a good Easter holiday.

tried to keep you close to me, but life got in between

Happy St. Patricks day everyone! I wore my Ireland t-shirt this morning, and coincidentally the first song on my playlist today was Take Me To Church by Hozier, who happens to be Irish. Have a beer and have some cheer. Ah, I'm so good at rhymes. No, but seriously, I really hope that I can be in Ireland on March 17th one day. I was not ready for a proper day of school today. It was a lot harder than I thought, and trying to focus for so many hours without a proper break was awful. It was also like a slap back to reality when my teacher started talking about the bachelor paper (erm, thesis? dissertation? Am probably going to call it the latter), because I realised just how much work I've got to do the next few weeks. I'm still trying to clear my head from my "praksis" and the exam, but I think I'm ready to start a new project now. I've realised that I take on "projects" quite regularly, and I end up with too many things on my plate. So that's something I've got to work on. Yay for self-analysis. Am listening to the breakfast show from this morning, and it's so weird because Jim Chapman was on talking about Vlogging. My fandoms are colliding, is the thing. And speaking of fandoms, I just watched an episode of Skins, called "Rise: Part one". I hadn't seen it before because I only watched the episodes with Effy and Cassie when they were released. I think I wanted to watch Skins, because I was looking through Kaya Scodelario's (also known as Effy Stonem in Skins) Instagram, and she had posted an old picture of the Skins cast. I was looking through her Instagram, because she's in The Maze Runner along with my favourite, Dylan O'Brien. Ah, I am really looking forward to a new season of Teen Wolf. Ever since I finished reading that fan fiction last week, I just can't find any joy in reading any other fan fictions. It's ruined me for any other fan fiction. I ought to go eat soon, because I think I'll go to bed early. I'm going to school tomorrow, so I can get some work done. 

Aren't we wasting time, playing hard to get? We did that when we were younger

I don't enjoy the time before I have to get to work whenever I don't work morning shifts. In time I guess that'll fade when I get more used to it, but now as I seldom work more than once a month, it irks me to think that I won't be home in the warmth to enjoy some more reading. I've been reading fan fiction with the pretend relationship theme. I don't even care what fandom it is, I just love the trope. It's why I love The Proposal, and why I spent hours until 2 am last night to read about Derek and Stiles (Teen Wolf-- I don't watch it, though gif's of them have appeared on my Tumblr desktop a lot) pretending to be in love. Exercise yesterday has made my body hurt, but in a good way. I thought maybe I was going to cry during exercise yesterday, because I've not done any in ages. It's honestly the longest period of time I've gone without exercise in a year or so. It was nice getting back to my routines, and it actually makes having a shower much better. Like, the sweat you're washing away is from hard work, so it gives you a sense of satisfaction? I don't know, maybe it's just me. I'm currently reading as many fan fictions as I can before I have to go get ready for work. Hopefully it'll be a good shift, and maybe there will be some Harry Potter on the television when I get home. Though the last movie was on television yesterday, so maybe not? Wow, did you know that Severus Snape dies? I was not aware until yesterday, and it broke my heart. My sister said: "I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, but I will. One day". I hummed in agreement, adding it to the long list of books I'm going to read "one day". 

liam james payne

On Friday Liam had a bit of a quarrel with a few fans. Basically, Liam tweeted: "Whoever is ringing our rooms please stop it's not funny ur pissing everyone off", and then "Next time it's ur day off school nd u fancy a ly in il call u n see how u like it?". Then he might have regretted his last statement a bit, but nevertheless, he didn't back down from his point: "Why? I'm sorry for being mad but I do t get to sleep all that often cuz we travel every day the one day I don't have to travel ..." And well, maybe it's not the best way to articulate a complaint. And he's obviously trying to get his point forward. And then sort of apologize and still complain in the same tweet. And you know what? I think they are all entitled to complain. And I think it's bullshit to say "you don't have the right to complain, look at all you have" or "you're a public person, and you must deal with it". It's bullshit to say that to any celebrity if it's about vital needs like sleep. I mean, christ, let them at least rest so they can be 100% on the concert which is for you. Actually, I think the whole thing about where we make celebrities to non-people where we are free to talk about them behind their backs and throwing shit and rumors out there-- I find that ridiculous. I just can't believe humanity sometimes. A girl called him a brat because of his complaints, and he tweeted back at her, defending himself. Which, again, I don't understand why so many have problems with celebrities defending themselves? It's absolutely allowed. And as long as it's valid arguments, I'm going to stay at their side. I mean, would you not defend yourself in a fight? Course you don't have to fight back, as in attacking the other person. But you're completely right to defend yourself. I think he ended his tweets that day with "Lol thanks to everyone who now hates me sorry for being honest". Sometimes he let's his anger run, and he doesn't think of consequences and he forgets to be "the sensible". He's just human. Sometimes he will let his anger get the best of him. And that's okay. Would you rather like to think of Liam Payne as a cheery puppy 24/7 or do you want to know the @Real_Liam_Payne? Not everything can be an American Hollywood movie with a happy ending all the time. I'm pretty sure One Direction claimed from the start that they weren't trying to be perfect, but themselves. And I think that's why they don't get hassled with every bad decision they do either. They aren't trying to be perfect, as the Disney people often are forced to act as. It would not have been Liam Payne without a proper apology. Of course he writes a long apology addressing his angry tweets, and him being thankful for everything. It's like an official apology to every fan he's ever offended. When I was a super fan of Jonas Brothers I had this very high opinion of them. I put them on a pedestal, and they were perfect in my eyes. But I remember the whole scandal about Joe breaking up with Taylor, and it put them in a different light to me- I felt like the brothers I knew were completely different. And I felt so disappointed, because they were supposed to be perfect. And I think that's when I realised how silly I was being. How stupid it is to believe that anyone could possibly avoid making any mistakes. And when I think of One Direction, I think of a few teenage lads living their life and growing up in the spotlight. Forced to be wise and smart in situations where they'd rather be silly and immature. You might wonder why on earth I'm up at 01:40 to write this, but I came across someone's post on Tumblr that sort of addressed this whole silly Twitter thing, and how Liam doesn't want the fans to hate him. And it nearly made me cry. Liam James Payne might not be a cheery puppy 24/7, but he is most of the time. And this shows it off quite nicely. 

"So I was lucky enough to meet One Direction yesterday.

Now, I could easily spend the next five hours reliving every second of the meet and greet in vivid detail, but I’m not going to bore you like that. Instead, I’m going to talk about the moment that meant the most to me.

Mister Liam Payne.

When we got to the meet and greet, they greeted us and were ready for pictures and everything; but I waited a second and pointed to Liam, he looked at me as if to ask what I wanted, so I asked if I could tackle hug him. He asked for an explanation, I said like running from where I was standing (about 10 feet away) and jumping to hug him. He said yes. Security said no. He won and I did it.

I have never had a hug that was like that genuine. He’s literally a human teddy bear and anyone that says otherwise is wrong. He squeezed me and lifted me up off the ground like a little child or something. When he put me down I told him “That was for yesterday, though.” (I saw him yesterday, so I was referring to the stuff on Friday) He looked at me and tilted his head and asked “Yesterday?” so I felt the need to explain, but since I couldn’t put my thoughts into words, I just said “No one hates you.”

At which point, Liam didn’t even hesitate for a second before he was pulling me back for another hug. He literally lifted me up and spun me around and just… He was so glad to have someone tell him that no one hates him and I don’t know if that warmed my heart or broke it. I think it broke it because Liam is so amazing and no one should ever have to feel like that.

Anyone that genuinely has a rude thing to say about Liam Payne is deluded and ignorant, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. I have never had a moment that meant that much with any celebrity before and I just… This might have topped my Skrillex and Ed encounters, and anyone who knows me, knows how much I love those moments.

I know you’ll never see this, but I love you Liam, and please remember that no one hates you".

I am fucking crazy, but I am free

Actual bunnies. Double blogging today, because I decided to do a separate fangirling post. I love tours. They are the best thing to bring me videos and gifs of my favorite ships. And let me tell you, I sail all the ships. At the moment Nouis (Niall and Louis) is my favorite ship, because they are ridiculous and do all these synchronized dances. And I really cannot count how many hugs they've shared? And guess what, I've got a private playlist on Youtube with all my favorite One Direction videos in them. And it went from 50 videos to 127 in a month. Niall is currently home in Mullingar, because his broseph is getting married. And the team that's filming their 3D movie tweeted that they were going to Ireland?? Oh god, what if we get to see Niall's speech in the movie. I'm going to die. Guess what? I was just scrolling through Twitter, and I happened to be at Andy Samuels (also Liam's best friend) Twitter account a minute after he was having a twitcam. And I was a bit bored, so I thought why not? And guess who's sitting next to him? Yep, Liam Payne. But they were in an Apple store, so it ended rather quickly. Nevertheless, I was really happy because these are the things that never happen to me. I always miss a twitcam. Andy happens to be best friends with a youtuber called "Maz", and Maz happens to know all my favorite youtubers. Last weekend happened to be Playlist Live, and all of my favorite youtubers were gathered. Everyone, meaning: Jim, Tanya, Fleur, Louise, Zoe, Marcus, Alfie, Caspar, Sam, Louis, Jack, Finn, Troye, Ingrid, Luke, and Joey. And then there were Grace and Tyler too, but I don't really watch them. I just -- all the feels. I watched a video on Sam Pepper's Youtube, and it almost made my cry. Which is ridiculous, but not really. Because it was Sam Pepper, who's been living in L.A. for ages now, and he was reunited with everyone. And it was just a bit of an emotional video. I just feel like everyone knows each other. And they've somehow got a connection to One Direction too? Alright, not really, but also yes. I'm not going in detail, because it would take me far too long time. And I've got other exciting news. The Shaytards are having another tard! Yep, Mommytard, or Colette is having another baby. I've not been watching Shaytards for almost a year now, so maybe I'll start up again. And then the last fandom. Jonas Brothers are releasing a new music video in seven days! I'm so flabbergasted, because everything is so overwhelming and everything is happening at once. I'm just sort of really giddy and happy right now. I'm like screaming inside.