I feel numb, beneath your tongue

My emotions are in a disarray. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, chest closing up and breathing seemed to be harder to control. I did the mistake of thinking of my life after my thesis, after the summer. I did the mistake of thinking of the life as a grown up with debt and bills to pay, getting a real job, settling down. I was just notified by Kiwi, saying we've gotten our work schedule for the summer. I think it looks pretty good because I don't have to work 100%. Last summer I nearly worked 100% and more often than not I had the longest shifts, having to report to the next ones. I remember one of the girls who also was there for the summer. She asked me: "why do you always have these shifts?". And I couldn't answer, because I didn't know. My only complaint is that I have shifts the same week as the One Direction concert. It also happens to be the same week I get home from Bergen. Oh dear, I imagine I'll be completely shattered. But it'll be a jolly good time, I reckon! Sometimes you have the best times when you're so knackered you think you might pass out on a bench. I spent today looking, finding and reading new research articles-- I thought I was done with it yesterday, but I got a few pointers from my Tumblr-friend, so I ended up finding a dozen new ones. In hindsight I think maybe finding new research articles was my way of postponing, avoiding the discussion. The discussion is supposed to be the biggest part of my thesis, and it's the part you have to use your brain the most, so it's a bit exhausting. I told Sally that I think there's a nervous breakdown just around the corner for me. I really really do. Due to Kiwi ditching my belieber friend and I today, we had to let some people use the second table, and goodness. One of them was perhaps the biggest imbecilic I've had the joy to listen to in ages. I just can't be sure if she was really dense or just playing it up, but I kept wanting to shout at her. Good god, my relief when they left must have been palpable. I've watched exactly three episodes of Paradise Hotel, but the girl who had sat herself beside my belieber friend would fit right in. Honestly, some of the things she said was like listening to a quote from the reality show. Anyway, my belieber friend and I packed up our things around 3 pm, then we went to a bridal store just to look and feel a few dresses. A wedding dress, I think, is important to see in real life. It's not every day you look at wedding dresses, the fabrics and different models. Albeit a brief trip, it was nice to walk through the park. I am going to finish reading a tiny fan fiction, then I think I might actually work on my thesis. Oh god, 1D drama. Was hoping that the fire was put out, but Louis keeps firing things up. My mouth was agape, still sort of is. Ah, just stop. I, this is like reading a fan fiction, not reality. Goodness, I'm going to go look at pictures of Niall. He's my go-to member of 1D when things go wrong.