Back in November, I wrote about FOUR, and I said this about Spaces: "It's a song about a theme that sort of hits home. Someone on Tumblr wrote "what if it's about them and splitting up". Obviously it's not, but it definitely put a picture in my head, which I can't get rid off now. Especially as Niall sings "who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?", because he's probably their biggest fan, and I don't think he ever wants One Direction to be over. Now I can't stop imagining Niall begging the boys to stay together and crying, which, I don't think I want that in my head, thanks". It's a very suitable song for this day. For the past few months, I've silently stepped away from the One Direction fandom. I've barely read any One Direction fan fiction the past months, nor have I been much at Tumblr. I've almost not seen any videos from the current tour either. I've not completely quit the fandom, I am still very fond of One Direction, and will probably always be. Mars commented on it the other day; "you're not as crazy as before". And I thought to myself that she was right. Trying to stop being a fan of One Direction is something I've tried multiple times, but it's never worked until now. I think that I sort of knew that they were close to splitting, I had a feeling. I've had it ever since I properly listened to Best Song Ever, I think. I always feel sentimental when listening to it, because I've learned to associate it with endings. And Zayn sings: "I hope you'll remember how we danced". That's when I realised that the end might be soon. Also, the past year I've read a lot of post-One Direction fan fiction that has hit home. It's a bit like I've been preparing for the inevitable end. I am surprised that Zayn decided to leave the band right now, in the midst of their tour. But I'm not surprised that it was Zayn who "was the first to say goodbye". I've always thought of him as more emotional than the others, and less thick skin. Having those features is a great thing, but not when he's in the spotlight and constantly dragged down by people. A few days ago, a person who I follow on Tumblr commented that she thought it was lame that Zayn had taken a break in the middle of the tour, and that it wasn't professional. I sent her a message saying something like: I don't know about you, but if I had to choose between my mental health and work, I'd choose my health first. I think you've forgotten that Zayn is a human too, also with emotions regardless of being a "celebrity". And I still stand by it. Though I'm not exactly happy about him leaving, I'm happy that he's choosing his health and happiness before other things, and I can't imagine it ever being an easy decision. (I'm also thinking about how Niall will take it, if he cried openly about JLS splitting up. Hope all of them are having hugs, and that Liam won't appear on Twitter drunk). I just went to get myself a cup of tea, and it's the first time I've used my One Direction mug in months, because each time I've looked at it, I've just felt bad. It's really hard for me to write about my feelings, because I just feel a bit numb. I don't think it's dawned on me just yet, but jeez. I might have a break down after I've posted this. I definitely know I'm going to cry, that's inevitable for me. I've had really great days for the past week, but each evening has ended sour for different reasons. But you know, as Oyster just told me: his happiness comes first. As for One Direction, I don't know. The times someone's been gone, they've never introduced themselves as One Direction. But I guess they'll have to now. I don't know about the dynamics, because I've always thought that the five of them were destined to be together, and that the band wouldn't have happened without all of them. But I think life goes on, and human beings are really good at adjusting. I'm also excited to see what kind of direction One Direction will go now, and if Zayn has some future projects (perhaps with Naughty Boy).
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