you're the reason I come home, my love

Bleh, I got up early this morning because I wanted to listen to Grimmy, but he's got the day off due to personal reasons. So, better luck tomorrow. Hope he's alright. I've missed listening to him, because he's had the Easter off, so it's been ages since I last heard his little scratchy morning voice. Yesterday I stayed in bed almost all day, watching Youtube videos that had accumulated in my subscription box. (I'm still not done with that, and I even skipped a ton of videos to get through). It was really sunny outside, and most times I would have gone out and tried to soak up some sun. But instead I was in my bed. Because we live in a brick house, the temperature stays cold. It's a strange thing, because it sort of keeps the same temperature all year around, so it's obviously warmer inside when it's winter. But it's colder inside when it's summer. So, albeit the sun, I thought it was a bit chilly. And I thought to myself "why on earth would they be wearing shorts outside?" when I looked out the window and spotted a few people. I got that answer at 7 pm, when I finally bared myself and went out in the garden. It appeared that the temperature was something akin summer. I went to school today, met up with Kiwi to have a little catch up before she's going to London. And then I met up with my "praksis" group and my teacher. And it's a bit like being thrown back to reality, like all my worries are back. When I was at my sister's I was worrying about the wedding, and now I'm back home and worrying about my life and stuff. I overheard my mum talking with David over the phone a few hours ago, and it's always like a punch to the stomach-- the feeling of not being there when he's growing up. And this time when we left, I think he actually understood the meaning of us saying goodbye. Because he became sulky and clung to me. With his arms around my neck and his legs around my sides, he said "bye aunt ****". And it nearly broke my heart. Lynx keeps asking me if I'd move back one day, and I keep saying "no probably not". But I would like to be there when he grows up, I would like for myself to be someone he's familiar with, not one of the aunts he never meets. But it feels like the latter is my destiny-- like he'll look up at me from behind his dads legs, and look at me curiously. And he'll think I look a lot like his mum, but that I am a stranger who his mum keeps telling him is his aunt. Bah, I'm going to make myself sad if I keep going, but this has been on my mind ever since he was born. I have a lot to do now that I'm home, but all I really want to do is to crawl under my duvet and hide. But that's today, and tomorrow will hopefully be different.