when you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye

Sometimes you convince yourself that you're fine. So much that it's a surprise when it dawns on you you're not. That's a good job of ignoring your feelings, not that I'd recommend. In fact, it was just what I advised my Tumblr-friend against a few days ago. Yet I sat in the middle of my bed, staring at my curtains with a wobbly lip. Letting out a sob, it turned out to be one of those sobs that can't be stifled, and before I knew it, my head was in my hands and I couldn't bloody stop crying. Like a dam opening the floodgates. I can't remember ever crying like that unless it's because of a sad movie/book. I had to stop eventually, when my brother cautiously knocked on my door, notifying me about food. By then I'd used three kleenex's. Food wasn't exactly my priority, instead I got my sketchpad and blue pen out. Started writing with my hand like I haven't done in ages. It was very nurse-y of me, because I wrote down all of my negative thoughts, everything, so I could have it in front of me. The crying that had subsided started again, but I continued writing. Then I went to get food, and have a little break to think of the things I'd written. Went back to my sketchpad, and I started writing a list of positive things about myself. I'm not fine-- if anyone asks and I answer "I'm fine", it's probably a lie. I'm in a difficult period of my life, and I'm struggling to understand anything. However, today was most progress I've done in a long time, the most honest I've been with myself for a long while. 

I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so fuckin' special, I wish I was special

Skippet tur til butikken i dag fordi været var så trist. På en måte er det deilig å endelig få regn, men problemet mitt med været i dag var ikke regnet, men mørket. Jeg tok den late veien, og istedet for håndkrem, så drar jeg med meg en bodybutter i reisestørrelse av Soap & Glory. Antar at hendene mine overlever det. Avbildet er bh-en jeg kjøpte i går, den jeg dør litt av hver gang jeg ser på den. Har sett på alle British Bake Off episodene i sesong 7 (den som pågår) to ganger. Det er riktignok foreløpig kun fire episoder (den femte er i dag), men det sier litt om hvor mye jeg liker programmet. Dessverre er det blitt kjøpt opp av en annen kanal, og de eksisterende programlederne skal ikke være med. Det er irriterende, og jeg ser ikke helt logikk i å endre på et show når det er på topp. Får se om jeg er like entusiastisk neste sesong. Jeg har nesten unngått Teen Wolf. Det er noe i meg som synes det er vanskelig å se på sesong fire. Jeg prøvde i dag, men det sa stopp kun tre minutter inn i første episode. Trodde jeg skulle skippe treningsøkt i dag også, for klokken tikket til langt på kveld. Men jeg hadde visst bestemt meg. Det er veldig tilfredsstillende når svetten renner. Hadde i utgangspunktet tenkt til å gå på tur i fjellet i morgen, men det skal regne noe. Får se det an. Jeg er omtrent ferdigpakket til morgendagen, mye av innholdet i kofferten er gaver. Ikke bare fra meg. Gleder meg. Gleder meg bare ikke til å stå opp tidlig. 

whatever makes you happy, whatever you want

Sometimes I forget that I need to be with other people than myself. Not just myself and my thoughts. "Don’t you know? The quietest people often have the loudest minds". I think part of me avoided going outside, because it knew that it would make things better. Being outside generally does that to me, which is why I try to sit outside as much as possible, whatever I do. Maybe I knew I needed to cry-- I think so, because there was a sudden stream of tears down my face. Sometimes if I've got pent up stress and anger and feelings in general, I'll just abruptly start crying. The causes can be completely random-- before the exam, I sort of started crying whilst making my breakfast. I think maybe the trigger was the thought of poor children without food. Today it was a rather sad, but very optimistic blogpost, and listening to Creep by Radiohead and Zombie by The Cranberries. It just had me crying for a long time, and it didn't really make things any better like it does most of the time (in my case). And then I watched an old (three months- does that count as old?) video from the Take Me Home Tour, and I just suddenly felt tears escaping my eyes. It's been a month now? And I'm still a bit in the post-concert depression. Anyway, I decided to read a fanfiction outside on my balcony. And it cheered me up. Most of all though, it was my friends and co-students. I need to remind myself of the little things. Like rediscovering old music favorites. Sand In Your Shoes by This Providence- god, I really love that song. 

I wish I was special, you're so fucking special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here

Is it normal to feel this restless? To know what you want, but not able to choose? To be so happy and unhappy at the same time? To having everything figured out, yet feeling so confused? Sometimes it feels like I’m on this endless search for something. And the hard part is that I don’t know what I’m searching for, which means I don’t know where to search. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know where I’m going with anything. I just feel so lost. It’s sunny outside, and I should probably go soak some sun. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to move outside these four walls- my bedroom. There’s this map of Europe above my desk. I look at it every day. And there’s always somewhere I want to travel, but I don’t know where I want to go the most. It’s like that with everything for me- I've got so many wishes. I just don’t know which one is my biggest. Sometimes when I feel like this- like I'm lost, I read my horoscope in hope that it’ll calm me. Today it’s so strikingly accurate, it’s a bit worrisome. “You might show your strong and silent side today so others don't realize how lost you are feeling. Your thoughts race around in circles like a hamster on a wheel, making it difficult to reach a logical conclusion about what's happening. Your current strategy is to keep your insecurities quiet rather than acknowledging any confusion […]”. I wish I didn't think so much.