raise a glass of wine for the last time

It's really glum outside, isn't it? It just looks really grey outside. I think, when I move out, and it's gone ten years, and if my parents will still live in this house, I'll look outside this window and see if the tree is still there. If it's bigger, or if they've removed it. And I'll feel a pinch of sadness if it's gone. I'll think that the tree was there all the time, like an anchor, like a constant reminder of life and new beginnings and growth and everything. And I'll laugh at myself, probably, because I'll always be this strange. Congratulations to the Russian cross country skiers that won today. I am not very disappointed, to be honest, because I realised after watching the race, that I've only every been truly disappointed if it's Petter Northug. And if he's in form. But he's not been, not for the Olympics, not for awhile, actually. And that's a bit saddening too, because my love for cross country skiing is very related to him, actually. Though I said "yeah no, I don't think he'll do it today," the other day to Sally when we were watching the Olympics. And she huffed, and said she had belief in Northug. I didn't respond to that. Instead I thought to myself that I had hope too, but I wasn't delirious. One of the reasons I wasn't that upset with the race today, was maybe because I was reading a fan fiction in between. It was just, I couldn't deal with all the tension of watching a race for almost two hours. And that's what it does to me, when I see Petter Northug looking like he's in form, and it's so hard to know with him-- I get knots in my stomach, with hope, whilst also trying to not get my hopes up. Oyster snapped me something like "it's only ten km yet" when I had snapped her something about having nerves. Anyway, I was reading a fan fiction that almost made me cry. But I was sat in the couch, almost hunched in on myself. Darting my eyes between the TV and my iPhone, and then my dad was sat on the other couch. So I bit the insides of my cheek, willing the tears to stay inside. But once the race was done and I retreated to my bedroom I realised it's been awhile since I've had a cry? So I re-read a fan fiction I knew would make me cry. And it's always astonishing to me how words can make my stomach do a painful lurch. Anyway, it's Sunday, and I'm supposed to clean my bedroom, but it looks like there is less to no determination to get that done. I am however delighted that I've actually been rather productive with my paper, though the word count is at 3500 words now. I've still got about half of the thing left. I will most likely try to shorten it down as much as possible. Or maybe just revel in the fact that there's no word limit for this paper. I'm going to try to get a head start at some school work for next week, before I'll have an exercise session and a shower. Also going to try stop looking at skin products online-- guys, I've become obsessed with that as well. I remember once, when I was younger and I was watching this movie with a friend. And the lady in the movie bought a tiny jar of this really expensive skin product. I would have never thought I'd become like that, but to be truthful, I might just become exactly like that in the future. Oh goodness, let's just all go back to the stoneage. Anyway, I'm actually going now. Bye, ha.