It's alright, calling out for somebody to hold tonight. When you're lost, you'll find a way. I'll be your light. You'll never feel like you're alone, I'll make this feel like home

I've no idea what's going on in the One Direction fandom at the moment, but there seems to be a new song. I was looking through Twitter, and I saw Louis tweet something vague about making something feel like home. Apparently it was lyrics from the song, in which appears to be new, but didn't make it onto the new album. It's the second song I've nearly had a heartattack from, because I keep thinking I hear Zayn's voice. I get a good feeling from listening to it, dunno, almost like I've come home and feeling content. I thought it was a perfect song for this week, coz I'm going "home". I slept in today, just because I realised the next days I'll probably be awoken by my nephew far earlier to my liking. I have an early flight tomorrow, which means I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night to get ready. I'm both looking forward to it and not. Going to walk to the train station, most likely, because it's so early. I've always enjoyed doing that, gives me time to calm down and think. I'm going to spend the day reading probably, hopefully feeling as content as I currently am. I'm letting my computer stay at home, which means there will probably not be any action on my blog until November. So, until then. 

your heart is full and now it's spilling, barreling down the steps

Going to bed yesterday, I decided to set my alarm for 8 am. So I woke up early, had breakfast and then I did some morning yoga. I've not done much yoga in a few weeks now, so my body was definitely out of tune. I felt a bit delicate afterwards, actually. After yoga, I finalised the birthday cards I've recently made. Two of which will be given in the near future. The Kevin McCloud mug I made arrived yesterday, which means I'll be able to give it to my sister earlier than anticipated. I've wrapped it up already, but managed to drop it on the floor. With my luck I'll probably break it. Going to keep it in my handbag rather than my suitcase, just to be safe. I did some reading about medicine, wrote notes. Made me feel a bit like I was revising for school, but am in fact just revising for my own good. I should reread my old curriculum probably. It appears that studying takes awhile, so before I knew it, it was already 3 pm, and I was supposed to meet up with Kiwi at 4 pm. We sat down at the library, had a bit of a catch up, and I helped Kiwi with grown-up-things. Ah, the pile of grown-up-things seem to grow for each week. Kiwi joined me at the mall in my search to find a present for my nephew's birthday. We explored a toy store like two kids, marvelling at all the cool things. We parted ways, and I went home to wrap the gift. I also packed my suitcase. Took me what? 15 minutes? When I've been out of the house for the past 9 days or so, I've not worn jeans. Nope, I've avoided jeans like they've got cooties. Before my second night shift the other week, I was contemplating to just wear my tights and cover up with my long coat. Then I thought that I'm not at that flasher-stage just yet. Dunno what's happened with me, just decided that jeans and I are on a break. Regardless, I've packed with me jeans. I just don't know how often I'll wear them. One of the reasons it's so easy for me to pack, is because my wardrobe consists of basic clothing mostly in black, blue, grey and burgundy. The colours goes with each other, and it's so easy for me to make different outfits. The other reason is because I know this destination like the back of my hand, and I therefore don't need to actively think about what to bring. My current favourite show airs at Tuesdays. Last Tuesday I couldn't watch because I was working, but I had really looked forward to it tonight. Only to discover that I'd mistaken the time for when it airs. So I only got to see the ending, which sucked. Oh well, better luck next time. I am going to finish reading a fanfiction, which I really thought was only 200-something pages, but is really 800-something pages. How that detail slipped my sight, I've no idea. And then I'm going to bed coz I'm tireeeeeed. 

don't need those other numbers when I got my number one

After breakfast today, my dad threw a package my way, and to my surprise it was my pictures. I just didn't expect them this early. So I spent the better part of this morning organising my pictures after dates and putting them in my new photo album from Muji. Looking at pictures like that just brings a smile to the face. It's also a reminder of how great my life truly is, which brings a feeling of gratitude. Admittedly, you mostly only capture the good moments. At least I'm not the one to bring out my camera when I have a shitty day. I've just finished watching a handball match. There were plenty of curse words today, as I think the team I was cheering on played a bad game. Just rubbish. My brother looked on amused, said "it'll be alright". It wasn't alright-- they lost, and I wanted to throttle something. I could probably be one of those dangerous footie supporters, with a few beers in me. Jeez, I'd fit right in, wouldn't I? I saw a shooting star on the way to my second night shift. Didn't realise what it was before it had disappeared. I re-told Sugar about it when I met her, and she asked if I wished for something. Oh, I thought. I'd forgotten about that too. It was such a nice surprise, and practically made my night. The night-sky is gorgeous nowadays. I suppose it's always gorgeous, it's just easier to see because it's gotten darker earlier. Tomorrow is my third Sunday in a row, working. I'm looking forward to be done with it. Am also really looking forward to visiting my sister, seeing my nephews who are growing up quicker than lightening. It's like I've turned around for a second, and then my youngest nephew is suddenly crawling around the place. Trying to live in the moment is a hard exercise, people. It's so easy to think about next week, next month. Oyster said something yesterday that made me realise I'm good at doing things I'm scared of. Good at powering through things despite my beating heart is more palpable than usual. I just know myself well enough to realise that if I avoid something too much, I won't ever want to do it. So sometimes I purposely do things that puts me outside my comfort-zone. Thus far it's been a good thing. 

an old boy on a park bench, thinking in the past tense, looking for the words

There's a layer of fog outside, making everything appear slightly ominous. "Halloweeny," Oyster called it. My night shifts went well, very well if I can say so. Slightly stressful, but not more than I'd imagined. Sugar had night shifts the same nights as me, which felt nice though we worked at different places. It's just the feeling of knowing that your bud is a few metres away. On Wednesday I only slept for three hours after my night shift. So in the evening I was supposed to go to bed early, but I somehow stumbled across the brilliant idea of gifting Volla a mug with Kevin McCloud's face on it. To my big disappointment I couldn't find any on Ebay or Amazon. So I ended up designing one myself via an online photo shop. They were having a sale, so of course I decided I needed to evoke some pictures as well. I ended up spending hours doing this, and not going to bed until late. Thursday, or yesterday, I spent the day with my belieber friend. I tagged along to her local mall because she needed to buy salad. But before the grocery store, we ended up looking at shoes. And well, I tried on a pair of knee high boots, and fell in love. I just couldn't not leave the store without them. I'm a bit peeved at myself for not having more willpower, but I've allowed myself the shoes because I know I've been lusting for a pair of these for a looooong time. However, this means there will be no more shoes for me unless they're gifted to me. It also means I'm not allowed to buy a new coat, regardless of how tempted I am. We basically spent the day watching television and chilling, which was perfect. Last time I saw my belieber friend, I told her to invite me home soon, because I'd missed just tagging along home with her and doing exactly what we did yesterday. Also, I hadn't seen Darren or their cat in months, so that was nice. I also really enjoy the trip home, because I love public transport late at night. There's a lot less people around, more calm. When I got home I was met with a postcard from Ale. It's from months ago, the summer when she went travelling. Nevertheless it was such a lovely surprise. I love getting mail like that. There's just something about getting a card in the mail that can light up your day. Today I met up with Oyster. Walking up their drive-way I met her dad, who complimented my coat. As did her mother. I did some survey for Oyster, had a chat about my life and being a nurse with Mars. Then I ate some food, and we stayed downstairs in the kitchen/living room area. The heart of the house, as they say. Reminisced about our youth and teenage years. It's weird to think how different I used to be once upon a time. Oyster went to exercise at 9 pm, so I accompanied her to the fitness center, and tried to spook her. Hugged her goodbye, and went grocery shopping. Standing in line at the check out, I realised it's Friday night. "And here I am buying mushroom and salmon," I thought to myself.

I've been running mostly nowhere

I had a strange dream, but not one of those unpleasant ones. Dreamt of going back to Paris with Oyster, to the same hotel but a shoddier room. We didn't really know what to get up to, since we've already been to all the touristy spots. In the midst of our trip, Oyster upped and left me alone. Then somehow I ended up in Copenhagen alone. I walked a familiar road that split in two directions. Instead of walking the direction I usually take, I went the other and ended up climbing some rocks to see myriad of people enjoying a spectacular view. Beside me sat this kid with his thumb in his mouth. Probably four years old, but had somehow managed to get up all the rocks. He was unfamiliar until he was familiar. It was my youngest nephew, and this was the future. After climbing down we got picked up by Lynx's in-laws in a car that could compete against Mary Poppin's bag. Because though it looked like a normal car, all of Grepper's relatives sat in the car. We got dropped off at the road of Lynx and Grepper's old place, and when we went inside the dining room was all decorated. It was my oldest nephew's birthday. He was sat in the lap of Lynx, looking at the chocolate cake. I tried to snap some pictures of them, but neither would cooperate with me. Weird dreams like these are amusing. I've been obsessed with Tom Rosenthal's music for many months now. He's become my go-to music when I tire of everything else. I want all his albums basically. One of my favourite songs is called Every Sock Gets a Hole. I can't decide whether to buy his album B-sides for myself, or to ask for it for Christmas. I should do the latter probably, seeing as I'm supposed to save my money. I've been dreading today, because I have a night shift. I loathe night shifts because I hate waiting for things to happen. It makes me all jittery. I also hate the time pressure that ascends once the clock hits 6 am. Cause within two hours I should be done with a load of things, and it's not easy. Especially today, cause I've got the lone responsibility for 13 patients+ for the first time. I'm really looking forward to be done with these night shifts, if you couldn't already tell. Yesterday was a good shift, though I was prepared for the worst. My visit to Oyster ended up being rescheduled, which might have been the reason for the first part of my dream. Instead I just read, read and read. Finding a great writer is always gold. I'm going to head back to bed soon. Ought to get some hours of sleep before I have to stay up all night. Happy Monday!

It's all just chapters in the end. Some we receive and some we send. And some are just written really badly

Til tross for at jeg ikke fikk til å ta en hersens blodprøve, hadde jeg en fin dag på jobb. Var litt bekymret for hvordan humøret skulle være da jeg stod opp, men jeg stod visst opp på riktig ben denne gangen. Jobbet ikke på min egen avdeling i dag, men fikk likevel ansvar, og det gikk overraskende bra. Har tatt flere EKG'er de siste to ukene enn jeg har gjort i min hele karriere som sykepleier. Dog, karrieren kun har vart i straks fire måneder. Ettersom jeg var på en avdeling som fortsatt er noe ny for meg, følte jeg meg litt som en usikker hund. Imidlertid fikk jeg ros av flere kolleger, hvilket tyder på at det gikk bra likevel. Fikk ikke gjort alt jeg ønsket, men forlot likevel jobben med en god følelse. Og dèt har jeg ventet lenge på. Når en er ny i jobben, blir man naturligvis usikker, og det er så mye en skulle ha gjort som man ikke rakk. Dette fører til at en går og grubler på ting etter jobb, noe som har lite hensikt. Så det å gå fra jobb uten at en rakk å gjøre alt en ville, men likevel ha en god følelse-- det er bra. Kanskje jeg gradvis aksepterer at jeg ikke kan gjøre alt. I morgen er min andre søndag av tre. Har allerede bedt Kiwi om å gjøre alle pasientene friske så jeg slipper å gjøre noe i morgen. Morgendagen skal også brukes til å besøke Oyster. Tror faktisk ikke jeg har vært i huset hennes siden august. Det er to uker til jeg reiser til min søster, men har likevel startet med marerittene om å miste flyet. Denne gangen drømte jeg at jeg helt glemte dagen jeg skulle reise, og at Lynx ikke ringte meg før dagen etterpå "hvorfor har du ikke kommet?". Det er latterlig, men angsten for å miste fly forblir. På et vis (eller mange), er det kanskje faktisk en positiv angst å ha. Kanskje jeg slipper å miste fly, fordi jeg tar forholdsregler. Glemte nesten at det var sjokolade-lørdag. Kom på det ved middagsbordet da jeg så en pakke After Eight som min bror har kjøpt på Taxfree. Det er skremmende hvor fort oktober flyr forbi. Var det ikke i går det var den første dagen i oktober? Nei? Om ikke så lenge er det november, og da er det offisielt lov til å tenke på jul. 

please come back to me darling, I get restless when you're not around

Gårsdagen var en spesiell dag. Jeg møtte min belieber friend for første gang på en måned, hvilket er merkelig å tenke på. Merkelig å tenke på at jeg ikke husker sist jeg satt i stuen hennes, selv om det ikke føles ut som måneder siden. Møtte faktisk Aggy for et par dager siden, og det var nesten samme regle. Har ikke sett henne på et halvår, men sa at det føltes ikke ut som om det hadde gått så lang tid. Alarmen min gikk 7 i går. Tenkte jeg skulle trene før jeg møtte min belieber friend i byen. Da jeg endelig klarte å dra meg fra frokostbordet, hadde det gått et par timer, og jeg skjønte at jeg hadde litt hastverk. Mens jeg gjorde meg klar for verden, hørte jeg ringeklokken. Nysgjerrig, fordi vi sjelden får mennesker som ringer på, kikket jeg ut vinduene i døren. Ute stod to velkledde eldre damer. De var av den religiøse typen, men forlot eiendommen raskt etter komplimenter for min mors hage, og to brosjyrer. De hadde visst allerede pratet med min far. Ute på bussstoppet møtte jeg min nabo som skulle samme vei. Vi pratet som gamle kjente, til tross for at jeg oftest har samtaler med hennes mann. Jeg og min belieber friend feiret gårsdagens triumf med lunsj på Südøst, som virket mer som en middagsporsjon. Ekte (og uekte) bondepiker som vi er, valgte vi å spise tilslørte asiatiske bondepiker. Fantastisk godt. Vi satt fra lunsjtider til middagstid, skravlet om forskjellige ting som inkluderte å sikle. Etter ca. fire timer bestemte vi oss for å forlate restauranten, fikk en regning som var tredoblet det vi egentlig skulle betale. "Betaler ikke for fire vinglass når jeg ikke har drukket en eneste". Betalte imidlertid for en dyrere te, enn jeg egentlig skulle. Servicen var kanskje ikke top knotch på mitt andre besøk, men maten var like god som jeg hadde forventet. Vi ditchet trikken og valgte å gå tilbake til sentrum. Gikk hver våre veier etter min belieber friend hadde fikset min nye rosa refleks i støtte for kampen mot brystkreft. Det er rart, vi var sammen i sju timer i går, men jeg ble likevel trist når vi forlot hverandre. På bussen hjem møtte jeg nok engang naboen, og jeg fikk en følelse av en full sirkel. Jeg har brukt tid på å skrive i dag, og det er det jeg har dedikert dagen min til. De neste dagene er jobb, jobb og jobb. Nattevakter som jeg gruer meg til, og tilslutt min tredje søndag på rad. Alt dette før jeg pakker kofferten og reiser til min søster, og forhåpentligvis kan oppleve denne (avbildet) utsikten igjen. 

take me to your river, I wanna go

Himmelen er et dynamisk bilde som jeg aldri går lei. Det har nesten blitt en del av min daglige rutine-- å sette meg på balkongen og observere himmelen, solnedgangen og alt annet jeg finner. Det gir meg en indre fred og ro som jeg ikke har funnet andre steder. Dagen i dag ble brukt på en ordentlig rengjøring av soverommet, ettersom jeg ikke husket sist det ble gjort. Å vite at hybelkaninene befinner seg i støvsugeren, og ikke lenger under senga gir meg en annen type ro. Byttet bilder i bilderammene mine som står i vinduskarmen, gamle plassert tilbake i fotoalbumet. Vasket sminkekoster, vasket skinnsko og smurt de inn med nytt lag voks. Laget en "to do" liste for første gang på en måned kanskje. Bestemt meg for å trene i dag også, så da har jeg endelig klart å få livet på en ordentlig sti igjen, etter uker i villmarken. Viktig å minne seg selv på at det er ingen som vet alt, ingen som har alle svarene. Du og jeg, vi er ikke de eneste som faller utenfor stien innimellom. Med et smil om munnen, sier jeg god tirsdag. I kveld gleder jeg meg til å se på Kongen på haugen, beste tv-programmet jeg har sett på lange tider. Broren min tittet rart på meg da jeg så den første episoden på reprise. Lo så det verket i kroppen. Nå skal jeg finne frem yoga-matten min. 

Been traveling these wide roads for so long. My heart’s been far from you, ten-thousand miles gone

I finished reading the Lovely Bones at 2 am, technically Thursday, whilst my sister and her friend was giggling in the neighbour room. In the library, there were two copies of the book. One paperback and a hardcover book. I chose the paperback, because prefer the feeling of holding a paperback more than I do with a hardcover. It also looked so worn and loved, that I couldn't not pick that one. It's one of my favourite parts about the library, finding worn books that smells of old book and all it's been through. There's no summary on this paperback, nor can I find an official summary for it. It's narrated by a girl named Susie Salmon. She's dead, was murdered, and tells her story from heaven, looking down at her family. I mentioned that I'd seen the movie, so I knew bits of the story. But with all film adaptations, there's always details and scenes that'll be left out. Mainly because it doesn't translate as well as on film like it does in the book. It's been awhile since I've seen the movie, and I've already put it in my list to do, so it's somewhat hazy what I remember. The book is more gruesome in details than I remember the movie. But hands down, it's a beautiful novel. From the first line, it's caught you. And it's hard to put the book down, which is why I ended up reading it until 2 am. There's so much to the book, despite being only about 400 pages. It's not only about a dead girl, it's about handling grief, society, growing up, etcetera. It's a definite recommendation of mine, one of those you won't forget. One of the things I did when being in a funk this week, was to immerse myself into the One Direction world. It's a known strategy for me, as they almost always manage to put a smile on my face. It's nice to enjoy them whilst they're still together, having fun being loons. Been rewatching their gig at iTunes Festival, because it's extremely rare that they do gigs for small crowds nowadays. It's something I would definitely have been for them to do, but there's more money in stadiums. Artists don't have to play as many gigs in order to earn the same amount of money, which means they get more breaks, and that way more people get to see them. However, as my Tumblr friend told me "quality over quantity". I escaped my bed and the darkness today in order to buy chocolate, Cheez doodles and grapes. It was worth it, my sweet tooth says. The bod says something else entirely, and would probably enjoy it more if I'd start exercising again. Before I go I would very much like to recommend a beautiful song. It's called River by Leon Bridges. It's just really good. I listened to it in the midst of the most stressful part of a handball match. I was really agitated, irritated, and angry. It's rare to see me as agitated and angry outside watching a handball match. The tendency to scream and shout profanities is also big. Which is maybe why the song was so great, because it actually mellowed me out a bit. Made me calm. Maybe listen to it tomorrow morning, when you wake up. 

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black

Jeg har ikke følt meg like fredfull på en lang stund. Det gir perspektiv når du sitter ute på balkongen med en kopp te, og med den beste utsikten; en vakker solnedgang som maler himmelen i en fargepalett som en kan drømme om. Satt ute og nøt naturens vidunder. Det har vært en lang uke, en der jeg plutselig stod opp på feil ben en dag, og humøret var på bånn. Pottesur fordi jeg måtte stå opp så himla tidlig, slitsomme vakter på jobb- jeg har vært merkelig, mer merkelig enn vanlig i humør. Og det fortsatte frem til i dag, da jeg stod opp til lyden av min kjære vekkerklokke. For første gang på lenge, flere uker, tenkte jeg faktisk "jøss, så deilig å stå opp halv seks". Til tross for at jeg var våken et par ganger i løpet av natten kjente jeg meg uthvilt, og positiv til dagen og verden. Arbeidsdagen gikk sakte, men rolig. Roligere enn jeg har opplevd på uker, måned(er) kanskje. Det var deilig med en forandring. Overgangen til oktober var noe vanskeligere enn forventet. Takk lov for den vakre solnedgangen. Å sitte ute på balkongen føltes litt som om å flyte i et vann, uten at det er noen anstrengelser. Det var som om hodet mitt endelig kunne gi slipp, som om de høye skuldrene plutselig falt ti hakk ned. 

maybe I am just as scared as you

Sometimes the sky looks alight. Sunset just puts the sky on fire. It's a nice welcome to October, I think. Today is the first day I've felt like you've not understood, not read between the lines. My message isn't even that well hidden, should be blatant. Made me want to yell at you, but I'm not sure you'd hear anything. Like talking to a wall, or screaming. Most of all it made me disappointed to realise that I've put too much faith in you. I dreamt of a place that I've dreamt of over and over. It's supposedly my childhood home, where I grew up. We're cycling, and then we're walking. We're five, and then twenty two. We walk through a creepy tunnel, and then suddenly we've ended up beside mountains, and it's quicksand everywhere. It's been years since I've seen these people, yet they're so vivid in my dreams. Hello to you, you and you. You should have been there for me, like I should have been for you. There's dread in my body, from the tips of my toes to the epicentre, my head. It's terrifying, challenging myself. But apparently that's the way growth happens, and I'd rather not wilt.