Eg sloss og jeg led, gjorde alt for å vinne. Da hørte eg englene synge om fred. Legg våpnene ned, det er jul du må finne. En fred inni hjertet et sted

Hei hei, nå fløy nettopp en kråke opp på taket ovenfor vinduet mitt. Skvatt noe, hvilket ikke er så overraskende for å være meg. I utgangspunktet hadde jeg tenkt å dra på matbutikken og få gjort noe juleshopping i dag. Men da jeg våknet var det veldig deilig å gjemme meg i sengen til tross for det fine sollyset. Skal sies at jeg ble vekket av en telefon fra jobb klokken sju. Da hadde jeg sovet i fem timer, og hatt en merkelig drøm. Se for deg en sitcom som tar utgangspunkt i et kontor/sykehus. Først er jeg en mann i førtiårene, tror jeg er sjef på kontoret. Jeg stopper opp ved en kontolpult og snakker med to av mine ansatte (de hadde ikke navn i drømmen, men for å enklere forstå får de navn her) Helene og Daniel. Helene er i starten av sekstiårene, og kontorets omsorgperson. Hun er den personen som plutselig finner på å strikke deg en lue fordi du frøs sånn. Daniel er pliktoppfyllende, i slutten av tjueårene. Er alltid presentabel til alle tider. Jeg, sjefen, jeg er litt sånn rar. Se for deg sjefen til Rachel fra Friends. Ja, jeg liker en limerick innimellom. Husker ikke hva jeg snakket med de om, men Helene lo, og Daniel så noe klein ut. Jeg gikk videre gjennom gangen, og stoppet opp ved Magne. Magne er kontorets Dwight (hvis du ikke har sett The Office (den amerikanske) så har du gått glipp av noe). Anses som merkelig, skal alltid ha ting riktig, og alle skal følge reglene. Han påpeker alles feiler, og dersom noen gjør noe som går utenfor reglene. Det innebærer også at han påpeker hver gang noen går fem minutter før arbeidstiden er over. Dessverre har han kontorpult nærmest døren, så man må gå forbi Magne når man drar fra kontoret. Plutselig er jeg meg igjen, og jeg er nødt til å dra hjem timer før arbeidstiden er over. Aner ikke hvorfor, men jeg måtte. Verken Helene eller Daniel synes det er noe merkelig at jeg går forbi, men jeg vet at Magne vil si noe. Jeg må ha en slags unnskyldning. I det jeg stopper ved pulten hans, ser jeg en overlege fra lunge komme gående. Han går sakte, og er langt unna. Magne står og tar bilder med polaroidkameraet sitt. Utenfor kontoret, gjennom vinduet, kan vi se en gigantisk hund. Høyere enn noen bygning jeg noengang har sett. Magne snur seg mot meg, sier: "jøss du må virkelig være allergisk mot hunder, du bør dra hjem". Jeg blir overrasket, men han fortsetter: "øynene dine er så røde at det er rart du ikke gråter" og gir meg et speil. Jeg innser at han tror jeg er dårlig, men i realiteten bare har vært dårlig på å "blende" den røde øyenskyggen min. Jeg lar han tro på det, og i det jeg går ut døren, hører jeg Magne si til overlegen: "ikke bekymre deg, jeg diagnostiserte henne for deg". Ja, også ble jeg vekket av ringelyd et par timer før jeg ønsket å stå opp. I går bestemte jeg meg for å lage nye julekort. Hadde ikke tenkt til å gjøre det, fordi jeg har mange til overs fra de siste årene. Men da jeg pakket inn gaver forrige dagen, syntes jeg at julekortene jeg lagde et par år siden var så fine. Så det var det jeg gjorde i går, tegnet motiver på 6x7 cm kort. Også malte jeg de i dag, hvilket virkelig gav meg maleglede. Å omfavne kreativitet er noe jeg alltid forsøker å gjøre. Jeg har ikke tenkt meg ut av døren i dag, men jeg kjenner at jeg gjerne skulle kjøpt meg mer sjokolademelk. Har blitt besatt, virkelig. Har drukket denne som om det er dessert, og den minner meg noe om sjokoladepuddingen som Monchita introduserte meg til. En av mine favoritt ting ved denne tiden, er at det går både langrenn og håndball på tv. Så i går så jeg på 15 km på morgenen, og håndballkamp mellom Norge og Sverige på kvelden. Det gir meg mye glede, men jeg antar også at blodtrykket mitt stiger iherdig. I morgen er det første desember, og jobbdag. Tror at jeg tar meg fri etter neste uken, og virkelig nyter juletiden. Ser for meg at jeg faktisk skal prøve meg på julebakst. Mon tro da, om jeg faktisk tør. 

If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you

"All of us, in this life are improvising. We're all without maps or guidelines. There's no knowing and there will never come a time that you can be positive of the road you've set before yourself. We we will always be lost, but we are lost together. And the one definitive truth I've found is that love is, by far, the strongest compass to the places we are happiest" (1). Dette sitatet kommer fra en fan fiction. Jeg svømmer i et hav av fan fiction, fordi jeg vet at blant talg og maneter, finner du de vakreste ting. Denne er så velskrevet, så terapeutisk, at jeg nærmest kjente en indre ro i meg til alle tider. Den handler om et romantisk forhold mellom to mannlige karakterer fra mitt elskede Teen Wolf. Men i hovedsak handler den vel om personlig vekst, om å gradvis bli en bedre versjon av seg selv. Og det var noe jeg kunne relatere til. Denne uken har vært en fantastisk uke. Har vært fornøyd, tilfreds med meg selv, og med livet. Jeg har utnyttet å ha fri så mye jeg kunne, og selv om det innimellom kan være slitsomt for kroppen, så har min mentale kropp hatt stor glede. Torsdagskveld satt jeg og skrev i notatblokken min før jeg la meg, for jeg følte meg så inspirert, så mye glede. Gårsdagen var en noe slitsom vakt på jobb. Min kollega måtte hjelpe en del til en annen, enn hos meg. Det førte til at jeg til tider ble alene. Men det gikk fint, og kollegaen unnskyldte seg. Jeg børstet det av, sa jeg forstod det. Og det gjør jeg virkelig. Jeg gikk fra jobb noe sliten, men med en god samvittighet og en følelse av mestring. I dag dro jeg på juleshopping alene. Med min liste, forberedte jeg meg for menneskemengden. En lørdag på et shoppingsenter, det er i mine øyne noe en alltid bør unngå dersom en misliker store menneskemengder. Men jeg var bestemt på at jeg skulle få unnagjort noen julegaver. Tror ikke jeg var der mer enn 90 minutter, kanskje mindre. Stod i kø i en klesbutikk, og enten skulle de foran meg kjøpe en haug med ting, ellers var kassamannen treg. Tror det var sistnevnte, for han brukte himla lang tid på å brette den ene tingen jeg skulle ha. Han gjorde visst noe feil da, så han måtte brette den på nytt. Var i ferd med å rope "er du perfeksjonist eller?". Dro hjem med fire nye gaver og nytt gavepapir. Skrudde på julemusikk av Kurt Nilsen, tente lys og pakket inn gavene. Hittil har jeg vegret meg for å høre på julemusikk, for jeg tror jeg visste at det ikke ville gi meg julestemning i år. Og riktignok fikk jeg ikke særlig følelse av jul. Men det er greit. Det kommer vel et tidspunkt i livet der en bare må akseptere at julestemning ikke kommer. Det eneste irriterende ved denne uken, er at jeg fant en veldig spennende bok på en bokhandel, men idiotiske meg valgte å ikke ta bilde av boken i tro at jeg ville huske tittelen. Neida, aner ikke hva den heter, jeg. Kommer sikkert til å plage meg helt inntil jeg drar tilbake til bokhandelen. Eller til jeg glemmer hele greia da, kan jo ikke stole på hukommelsen min. Til tross for en god uke, har søvnen vært noe merkelig. Heldigvis ingen skumle drømmer, men opphold på natta der jeg innimellom har tenkt "ja, det er jo bare en time til klokken er seks, kanskje jeg kan stå opp likevel siden jeg er så lys våken". I morgen åpner jeg forhåpentlig vis en av bøkene jeg har lånt, for det har jeg vært dårlig på å gjøre. 

take your eyes off of me so I can leave, I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me

God kveld. Det har foreløpig vært en veldig god uke. Tirsdagen var noe traurig grunnet mye trafikk, og dermed store forsinkelser. Måtte dermed stå ute i det gråe regnværet mye lengre enn jeg hadde planlagt. Heldigvis kom jeg meg til destinasjonen til slutt, bare en time senere enn jeg ønsket. Kilo-gjengen var samlet på vårt stamsted. Vi skulle på juleshopping, men var faktisk ingen av oss som kjøpte en eneste julegave. I går dro jeg til min belieber venn for å spise pølse og sushi. "Hvem skal spise pølse, og hvem skal spise sushi?" spurte Darren. Rar kombinasjon kanskje, men ja, jeg spiste sushi og pølse. Og det var akkurat det jeg trengte. Hadde ønsker om å ta meg en tur på museum denne uken, ettersom det nærmest har vært en friuke. Jeg forsøker jo å ta mulighetene mens de er der. Så i dag tok jeg like godt turen til Kunstindustrimuseet. Hva er det? Nei, det visste jeg ikke da jeg bestemte meg for å dra. Jeg ble gledelig overrasket, da jeg innså at det ikke bare var kunst, men i stor grad interiør. Jeg er veldig glad i stoler fra barokk- og rokokko- tidsperioden, så jeg ble veldig glad da jeg fikk øye på de. Var kanskje den eneste personen utenom ansatte på museet. Det ligger dessverre litt avsides, og det er minimalt med informasjon om museet, så det er kanskje ikke så merkelig. Jeg var der i underkant av tre timer (!!!!), takket for meg etter jeg hadde sett på kongelig mote, hvilket var ennå en overraskelse. Vandret litt rundt i byen, kjøpte to julegaver, og nøt julelyset. Julegaten, som er avbildet på mitt siste bilde, åpnes vel i løpet av uka. Pariserhjulet er definitivt nytt, og det ser ikke ut som det eneste som er nytt. I morgen er det jobb, men for nå er det håndballkamp mellom Russland og Norge. 

don't try to change my mind, I'm being cruel to be kind

I spent today as if it was Sunday. Meaning, I cleaned my bedroom. I prefer cleaning in the mornings when I'm able to see the dust particles, which is why I didn't clean yesterday, the actual Sunday. No cos, Sunday mornin' I was working. Despite getting a bit hectic at the end of my shift, it was a good day at work. The Christmas party on Saturday was ace. Way, way better than what I'd expected. It's the strangest thing, seeing your co-workers in their own clothes, rather than the white uniform we usually don in each others company. "I didn't recognise you," one commented. I said "nah, it's cos I've actually got eye-shadow on, isn't it?". First of all, I hadn't realised there would be more than my co-workers who works with lung patients attending. Nor did I realise doctors usually attended as well. I ended up hiding behind a wall to scare someone, I feed my unsuspecting neighbour, someone put a pine cone on my head, and so on. After our stomachs had been well-fed, we pushed the tables back to make space for a dance floor. And then we danced until we got sweaty and in need for cooling down. As I had work Sunday morning, I sadly left the party at 10.30 pm. Can't say I had the best of sleeps, but come morning I managed. After work yesterday, I went to see Oyster at her house. We basically sat down and had a four hour-long chat. It's not even a joke. I came to realise Oyster and I are more alike than I'd noticed. You learn something new about people all the time, despite how long you've known them. I walked home on the cold winter night. The trek from her house to mine, is actually one of those I thoroughly enjoy, because it usually means I walk through the centre of the place we live, and it's nice to see what people get up to. I've officially started planning Christmas presents, started asking people for their wishes. I always do a list in a notebook I've had for years. Oyster laughed at my problem, but as we've gotten a new sofa this year, it takes up a lot more space than the old ones. It means I've no idea where to put the Christmas tree this year. My second favourite part about Christmas is decorating the tree, which is why it's so important that I find a spot for the tree. I'll probably be thinking about this for the whole of this week. Right now I'm going to put some nail varnish on, then watch Grand Designs. Been a good Monday. 

Made in the A.M

0. If you couldn’t tell already, this is my subjective review of One Direction’s new album, which is more for myself than anyone else. Initially I thought this was something I’ve done as a tradition, but I realised I only did last year. I’ve written many, many words in this post, more than some of the papers I’ve written in my studying years. It’s a warning for you to probably skip this. That is unless you’d like to read 2800 words related to One Direction. 1. Lately, I have admittedly gradually immersed myself back into One Direction, though avoiding the negative aspects of the fandom that I didn't enjoy. I think it's just the thought that this is the last time we'll see them together for awhile. It might be a hiatus for one year, two years, or who knows, maybe even five more years. So I figured, right, I'm going to miss them profusely when they are gone, so I'm just going to soak up all I can get of One Direction as they are now. I was also drawn back in by Zayn's departure, not because it was a joyous moment, but because once you realise something isn't forever, you hold on tighter. 2. Truthfully, I was appalled when I first saw the cover and name of the new One Direction album. After having fallen in love with the FOUR cover, Made In The A.M. was a definite let down in the aesthetics area. (That's why I've chosen to not include a photograph of the actual cover). But to be fair, that's a subjective meaning, and I'm sure a lot of people love it. I just don't. I would really have preferred something a lot simpler, even one of Harry’s black and white pictures would be better. 3. The release of Drag Me Down was a total surprise out of nowhere, and my jaw was ajar throughout listening to the whole song. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was listening to One Direction, and not some other artist. It's one of their most commercial songs to this day, I think, and why it got so many positive responses. And well, I was struggling to understand what kind of direction they were heading towards. But in my experience, there’s always a song in the One Direction album that’s an a, and then there’s another song that’s z. Meaning they’ll be completely different. Hence why I didn’t really think of Drag Me Down as a representative for the new material. 4. If I’m not incorrect, the album leaked a week before it's release date. I don’t think anyone was surprised. I wasn’t—in fact I was waiting for the inevitable to happen. However, for once I didn't listen to it, maybe as a treat to myself. Or maybe because I didn’t have access to it due to unfollowing a lot of people in the fandom. For the first time in the past years, I didn't buy the regular book-alike deluxe version. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't find it in the store. Instead I bought "ultimate fan edition", and I am now a owner of a 1D bracelet. 5. I read a quote from a review somewhere, and it said something about One Direction's legacy as a "boyband" is being able to change their sound. They've been really smart about it, not changing to much so they won't lose fans, but changing enough to always evolve. It’s very noticeable when you compare Up All Night to Made in The A.M. When I first listened to this album, I couldn't help but think that it was different somehow. I find it hard to pinpoint what exactly. Anyway, here's my honest song-by-song review. Keep in mind that these are my opinions after getting to know the songs for a week. They're bound to change.

1. Hey Angel. This song instantly made me think of Robbie Williams. Admittedly, it's not really my cup of tea. My favourite part of the song is the fast-paced part, which is the bridge, I think. I just don't think I get the song, the meaning behind it. I need someone to explain to me what this is actually about, and then maybe I’ll appreciate it more, but for now it’s just background music. 

2. Drag Me Down. When I first heard this song, I was flabbergasted. Didn't quite know what to think, and what to expect of their new music. I did and truly do like this song, and it's one of the songs I'd really like to see live. I remember when they dropped the song in the midst of the tour, and that same day (or the day after), they surprised everyone by performing it. My favourite line is the simple "I'm not scared of the dark". Although I enjoy it, it’s also a very repetitive song, which means it’s one that I easily tire. 

3. Perfect. Initially I didn't like this song very much. I just really dislike the verse, the sound of it. I can't really put my finger on what exactly puts me off, but it does. The chorus is good, catchy. Harry's answer to Taylor Swift, it's been considered as. This song to me, feels like when a person uses humour as their defence mechanism. And they’ll say something in a humorous manner, but also genuinely mean it. So there’s lines like “I might never be your knight in shining armour” which feels a bit less serious, but then there’s my favourite line: "I can be the one you love from time to time" that kind of says “but really, we could actually be great together given the chance”. It’s neither a favourite, nor one I truly dislike. 

4. Infinity. This is either the second, or the third song I heard off this album. It was an instant favourite. Maybe because Niall opens it, but I think it's more the sound of this song. I like everything from the verse, pre-chorus, chorus, instrumental part. The latter is my absolute favourite part. I'm a sucker for good instrumental parts, and I would love for it to be longer, even. Listening to the song, I always imagine them singing the chorus in an open arena, Harry singing passionately towards the night-sky or summat. Dramatic, yes. When I first heard it, it gave me the same feelings as Best Song Ever gave me, which is probably why it instantly became a favourite of mine. Favourite line(s) is "How many nights does it take to count the stars. That's the time it would take to fix my heart". That’s a long time Harry (er, Harry sings this line). It’s in my top favourites. 

5. End of The Day. This song confuses me greatly. It's such a big switch from the verse to the chorus, and then back. Initially I was wary about it, leaning more towards the negative emotion aspects. However, I’ve found that after listening to it, and seeing the lads perform it live, I’ve grown more fond of it. It still confuses me a lot. I have several favourite lines from this song: “just me, her, and the moon”, “you follow your heart even though it will break sometimes”, “you love who you love, there ain’t no other way” and “the priest thinks it’s the devil, my mum thinks it’s the flu, but girl it’s only you”. In other words, I profusely enjoy this lyrically. And well, have learned to enjoy it melodically too.

6. If I Could Fly. My favourite line is the first line: "If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you". I love this song a lot, the simplicity allows the seriousness to show through. Kiwi talked to me about a song where everyone sings in the bridge. Yes, it's confusing to hear Louis, then Niall, then Harry, then Liam, then Harry, and then everyone together. To never perform this song live would be devastating. Whenever Louis sings "And pain gets hard," I always hear "A big ass heart," which is definitely different. It’s another one in my top favourites. 

7. Long Way Down. This song always remind me of Kodaline, just because of the title. My favourite line is "built a Cathedral, but we never prayed". The line "I try to forgive you but I struggle cos I don't know how" reminds me of Zayn and the rest of the lads. It’s not a favourite, nor is it background music. But I feel like this is one of the songs I’ll just someday find myself really enjoying. 

8. Never Enough. This strange, strange song is surprisingly my absolute favourite. Before listening to any of the songs, I read this song-by-song review, and the reviewer wrote: "Who’d have thought Niall Horan would be responsible for one of One Direction’s most brilliantly bizarre tracks ever. There are barbershop quartet harmonies, gutsy grunts powerful enough to put the All Blacks’ Haka in its place, flourishes of tropical brass, and Liam doing some truly maniacal ad-libs. It doesn’t sound like it should work on paper, but somehow it all comes together with a crazy-in-love lyric to be an album highlight." By the time I listened through the album, I'd forgotten about which song had warranted this review. But the moment Never Enough started, I knew this was the one. I think it's such an "out there" song that it's one of those you either hate or love. For me it was the latter, because it's like the reviewer said, it shouldn't work with all the different things in the song, but it does. I bloody love everything about this song, which as you might have seen is rare. Favourite line is "lips so good I forget my name". First time I heard this song, I remember hearing the instruments after the first chorus, and thinking of Jonas Brothers back when they introduced so many new instruments to Lines, Vines and Trying Times. I love the crazy chants of "it's never enough", the grunts, and my god, if they don't perform this, it'll be a travesty. It's a crazy song, but in a good way. It makes me want to dance and laugh.

9. Olivia. To me, this is a bit like Act My Age part two. I don't have that much against the verse, but for some reason I really, really dislike the chorus. It’s the one song I always skip because I can’t bring myself to listen to it. It reminds me of a song from the theatre. My favourite part is actually the bridge. Favourite line is "this isn't the stain of a red wine, I'm bleeding love". I hope they don't perform this song, unless it's a completely different renedition. Ugh.

10. What A Feeling. This is one of the surprises on the album, I think. It's got such vibe, and reminds me of Norwegian artist Donkey Boy. Favourite line is "Whatever chains are holding you back, holding you back, don't let them tie you down". It’s not exactly a favourite, nor background music. It’s just there with it’s funky vibe. 

11. Love You Goodbye. Favourite line is “One more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we've been and the nights we've had. Because if this is it, then at least we could end it right”. In other words, my favourite part is the bridge when Louis sings, or pleads let me have you one more time. I love this song because it sounds like a classic One Direction ballad, and because I think it’s so honest, and I’ve got an emotional attachment to Louis and Eleanor. 

12. I Want to Write You A Song. First time I heard this song, I almost cried. And it's all because of the last part that Niall sings. "I wanna write you a song, one to make your heart remember me. So anytime I'm gone you can listen to my voice and sing along". That’s my favourite part. It feels like this is their song saying giving thanks to the fans, and saying "hey, we'll be back, but here's a song for you to listen to when we're gone". It’s a song for the fans, and I think that a lot of these songs were written with the intention to give to the fans. It makes me all emotional, and it’s definitely one of my favourites.

13. History. What a perfect song to end the album with. After their X Factor performance on Sunday 15th of November, they had actually made a commercial, thanking the fans. This was nice, of course. But especially because it felt like an answer to the full-page advert in Billboard magazine that some fans orchestrated a month ago or something. The full-page advert was basically a thank you to the boys, and I remember all of the boys’ surprise and happiness when they saw it. So when I saw the commercial, using History as the background music, I nearly started crying, because this is such a great picture of One Direction and fans. In This Is Us, Simon Cowell says that it was the fans that was the power behind them going from ending up in third place on X Factor to becoming the biggest boyband at the moment. The lads have a habit of always thanking the fans, because I do actually think they realise the importance the fans have made for their success. History was also an instant favourite when I first heard it. It's got such a different vibe from their previous work, and it’s a song for their fans. It’s actually got vocals from a group of fans. My favourite line is "You and me got a whole lot of history, so don't let it go. We can make some more, we can live forever". But my favourite part is when Louis sings rather adamantly “this is not the end”. And well, it doesn’t sound like it.

Bonus Tracks

14. Temporary Fix. It's the most rock-y song on this record. Niall described this as a song with a bit of grit to it. It’s actually a song where the lads are saying “hey I can be your booty call”. Favourite line is “all that I can see’s you waking up in my t-shirt”. Only complaint is this line: “ya body’s saying everything, I don’t have to read your mind”. Body language can often be difficult to understand, and please make sure to ask the partner of their desires. Right, yes. Apart from that, I very much enjoy this rocky tune, and it’s right up my street. 

15. Walking in The Wind. This is one of those songs that doesn’t really fit into this album, and is probably why it’s one of the bonus tracks. Regardless, I quite enjoy the vibe it gives, and my favourite line is "I know we'll be alright child," sung by Haz, as if he's not a mere child himself. The bridge is just gold. 

16. Wolves. Favourite line is “it’s bringing my demons out”. I’m not so happy with the predator and damsel in distress-theme, but I really do enjoy the song. I love the chorus, and I’ve often found myself singing this song in the shower. Also, I need to add this thread from Tumblr. A person on Tumblr posted this about the song: “HOW!!!??? DO PEOPLE???!!!!? DISLIKE!!!!! WOLVES?????????”, and another person, who didn’t know it was about the song, answered: “Well my best friend had a boyfriend in high school who manipulated her and another friend into joining a cult based on the idea that they were all a part of a wolf pack in a past life. So none of us are the biggest fans of wolves anymore.”. The original person then answered: “this is about a one direction song but sorry about your friend”. It’s probably not polite to laugh at that, but god, I almost pissed my pants when I read it. But yes, it’s one of my faves. 

17. A.M. I'm not sure why this is in the bonus tracks, and only available in the deluxe version of the album, seeing as this song inspired the album title. It's strange, isn't it? But this was also an instant favourite. My favourite line is basically the whole chorus: “all my favourite conversations, always made in the A.M cos we don’t know what we’re saying. We’re just swimming round in our glasses and talking out of our asses”. I also really like the lines “I’m always coming back to this place” and “I’m always gonna look for your face”. It feels like a song for the boys really, when they’re on their hiatus and no longer living in each other pockets. And then maybe they’re in a familiar place some day, somewhere they had a gig, and they’ll look around for the others, only to realise that they’re not there. Agh, that was a bit sad. But yes, deffo a favourite.