Had the first proper breakdown yesterday, as I was convinced everything I'd done was wrong. And then I went back to read through research articles, which takes ages. And I sort of had to stop and think through things. Everything just seemed like it wasn't going to work out. My heart was pounding against my ribcage, the sweat on my forehead was accumulating, and my head just wouldn't stop thinking about everything. It wasn't one of those short moments where you feel all lost and everything is going to hell, before the moment is over, and you're back on track. No, this was like three hours where I just felt like giving up, because it seemed like nothing would work out. Like I was in a limbo where the time was ticking away, and I was just sat there frustrated without any ideas. I also had a cry to Tom Fletcher's praised wedding speech. It's so nice, and I think it was a good choice watching it. During exams you get so caught up in yourself, only think of your exams and yourself and what the results might be. And I don't blame anyone for doing it, it's just the way it is. But it was nice watching the video because I got to take a step back from focusing on myself to realise that there are other things going on in the world. There's a lot of happy things happening, and then it's the unfortunate things happening in the world, and thinking of it gives you a bit more perspective. It made me a lot more calm, though I was still freaking out about my exams. Luckily my belieber friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wasn't just over analysing-- and I read though my paper, and figured if I twisted a bit, then it would be okay. And it was such a relief. I've never gone hours without finding any solutions before, and I was honestly just giving up. Genuinely thinking that maybe it wouldn't be alright, and that I would fail my exam. It's been a really strange exam-period thus far, because it's all just been a load of shit, to be honest. I just feel really inadequate, like I can't do anything. And I can only write 2000 words, which is too little. Which means I'll probably have to change my thesis, and restrict furthermore. I think the challenged I've been meet with this time is because I've changed strategy of my writing process. I usually just write-- like, I write down all the things I think could be useful and all the quotes I think are brilliant. And then I piece it together into a proper paper. But this time I've been very strict towards myself, because I always end up having too much words when I write the way I usually do. Now I've actually spent the morning reading. That's very strange to me. Because I had so much time off before the exam, my body has become accustomed to a decent amount of sleep. So whenever I do get little sleep now, I turn into a zombie. I'm actually quite worried I can't watch the handball match tonight? I think I might have to work though it, though I have a feeling I wont. I want to be done with my paper within tonight, but I'm sure I won't be done until late tomorrow (or early Friday morning). It almost feels like tomorrow is non-existent? Like, I'm supposed to send my paper off tomorrow instead of on Friday. Goodness gracious, I hope I won't have to pull an all-nighter. Oh and the stress levels? I'm sure I'm going to come down with some illness when this is over. My cough is still being stupid, and I can't even understand why I have a cough. It's not even being logical; I don't have a hard time falling asleep due to coughing (well thus far, have I jinxed myself now? probably), I don't have a sore throat (jinx number two), nor do I have any other symptoms (er, jinx number three). I just hate it when I get these coughs. Oh god, I think maybe Lumba is home? Heard mum talking with someone and I just assumed it was my dad, but I just saw my dad's car parking in the drive way just now. I'm going to go downstairs and eat some lunch. And I'm crossing my fingers for not having another breakdown today, because I just can't waste another three hours. Honestly. It's been 48 hours, and now it's 48 hours to go.
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