it's I who waits, it's you who's late again

"Det hadde ikke overrasket meg om det var jeg som havna her om noen år," sa jeg i respons om hvordan psykiatripraksis hadde påvirket mitt syn på psykiatri. Vi lever i et samfunn som krever ufattelig mye av oss som mennesker. Allie sa faktisk til meg i dag at vi blir regnet som generasjonen som fikk alt i fanget. Og med det fikk vi uttallige muligheter. Og da sier de andre generasjonene, våre foreldre og besteforeldre: "vær takknemlig, du har vært heldig". Ja, vi har vært heldig, men så sitter vi igjen med så mange muligheter, at de sikkert kunne ha fylt en hel telefonkatalog. Og samfunnet sier jo at vi skal utdanne oss. Vi skal bli suksessfulle, og vi skal reise. Vi skal bli mammer og pappaer, men samtidig skal vi være i jobb og være suksessfull på den fronten. Vi skal være flinke foreldre, barn, søsken, studenter, ansatte, etcetera. Jeg har undret meg over dette, for jeg er jo en pliktoppfyllende pike. Jeg har lært å følge normene, jeg ønsker å oppfylle de kravene og forventningene som stilles til meg av samfunnet. Men sannheten er at samfunnets krav er våre egne krav-- det er vi som har bestemt de. Og det innebærer jo at du og jeg, vi kan stoppe opp og si "hei, jeg vil ikke gjøre det jeg". Så når du føler at samfunnet sier at du skal være ditt og datt, men du ønsker noe annet-- ja, da får du gjøre det du ønsker. Vi er ikke alle sammen et A4 ark. Læreren min og veilederen min skrattlo da jeg innrømte at jeg kunne tenkt meg at jeg har en fremtid i psykiatrien som pasient. Gode refleksjoner sa de, en liten stund etterpå da de fikk tilbake pusten. Også sa læreren min: "men da må du også tenke på hva det er som gjør at du ikke er pasient i psykiatrien nå". Kanskje det er nettopp dette, mine refleksjoner over livet. Betydningen av bevisstgjøring er ikke tull.  

I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet

There are five pillows in my bed. Just thought you should know that. I don't actually use all of them, and there's usually only four. One of the things I look forward to after "praksis" is not feeling like I ought to wear make up every day. It almost feels like a unspoken rule; that you have to look well kept. Because appearance actually does mean things-- it indicates your ability to take care of yourself, and is therefore an indication of whether you are good at taking care of other people. There is of course no truth in this thread of thought. You can look like shit and still be the best nurse, or whatever you are. Although, the nurse that takes care of themselves can be better at taking care of a patient than the other nurse who doesn't look like they've washed their face for ages, and have a bad breath. It's human to draw these conclusions, but it doesn't mean we're not wrong about them. Anyway, I can't wait to not wear make up every day, because my skin is suffering, and I think my spots are beginning to look like a constellation of stars now. I think I mentioned #Scandimania on this blog earlier? Anyway, it was a three-episode documentary on some British channel (Marble would probably say of course in response to me watching British television) about the Scandinavian countries. And the last one was about Norway, which I watched yesterday. I was actually quite surprised, because I had imagined that they would just glorify Norway and the nature, and not show the real picture. But I think they did quite a good job, though it's limited what you can display in such a short time (45 minutes, maybe not that short, but it's too short to tell a country's history and whatnot). I'll probably end up watching the two first episodes too, because I actually do enjoy Scandinavia quite a lot. Wow, just heard a Dutch commercial on Youtube, and it was so confusing, trying to understand the language. I was not very productive yesterday, as expected. And I do fear I'll have a repeat today. I've already read two fan fictions this morning, if not more. I can't even keep count of them, can I? (I'm in the midst of reading one now, ha). I drank the last tea bag of the apple, cinnamon and raisin tea by Twinings this morning. So I'll have to drag myself to the shop and buy some more tomorrow. That and some chap stick. Goodness, when was the last time I went to the mall? Probably when I went with Kiwi and Marble, actually. One of the things I spent time on yesterday, was to reread some of my exams and papers. It's just that once I am done with a paper, I just shut out all the memories of it. And therefore I tend to not remember anything about them. Like when Sally asked me what I'd written about on my most recent exam. What's strange about this habit, is that when I do reread the papers, there is very little recollection of actually writing it. And it feels like reading someone else's papers. Very strange. Oh goodness, yesterday Sugar sent a bunch of snaps of chocolat-y things her sister had made. Or, well, I am jumping to the conclusion that it is her sister who made them (cake pops). I ate very little chocolate yesterday, but I wouldn't have minded a few of those. Maybe my obsession with chocolate have gone from pure chocolate to things that tastes like chocolate. Wow, the yearning for some Oreo cake is big right now. Maybe I'll make some, actually. I have a late shift tomorrow at "praksis", and my final assessment is on Wednesday. So I might be a bit absent on this blog. Anyway, have a nice Sunday. I'm going to clean my bedroom, and hopefully do something more than read fan fictions all day. 

I know that a love like this won't last forever

It is March, guys. And it's been snowing all day, basically. I decided after yesterday, when I managed to cross all the things off of my list of things to do plus another one, that I'd allow myself to sleep in. So for the first time in ages (and this time I actually mean ages, like weeks), I decided that I'd not put on an alarm. I did the stretching routine for fifteen minutes before bed. I've not actually done that for probably two or three weeks now. But it's so relaxing and makes me very sleepy. So I woke up at 8:00 am, and that might be early to you all, but it meant that I slept for ten hours, which is two more than I usually get. And therefore I felt very well rested this morning. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 am, I think. That was after I finished a fan fiction. I also let myself watch a film; The Pursuit of Happiness. I've been meaning to watch it for awhile. I have watched it before, but it's so nice, so I thought that I should watch it again. But parts of me didn't want to watch the film, because it is sort of sad. And in many ways it portraits a picture that's completely true. However, it is a very american film. In fact, it's like a portrait of what used to be called "the American dream". And I'm not such a big fan of the interpretation of "happiness", like it's a goal. It's not at all, it's a fleeting feeling, moment, if you will. And it comes now and then. It's not the end goal of your life. Nevertheless, Will Smith does such a great job in that movie. Oh goodness, I watched a video of Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore at Jimmy Fallon yesterday, and they sang a song about how they fall in love every ten years. Because they starred together as love interests in The Wedding Singer, and then 50 First Dates, and now they're starring in a new film together. And it's been approximately ten years between each movie. It was sort of sweet, and funny, and then at the end, when Adam began singing Grow Old With You, and he surprised Drew-- oh, wow. It took me by a surprise too, so I couldn't stop the waterworks. Here's the video, if you'd like to watch it. Although, it might not make much sense if you've not seen The Wedding Singer. And if you've not seen it, I am judging you. Oh dear, it looks like the snow is actually going to stay this time, whereas it's melted the second it's touched the ground the past few days. It's starting to feel a bit like Christmas, ha. I've now had some pieces of chocolate and lots of cups with tea. I wasn't too keen on chocolate, which is a strange thing for me to even write. I need to watch my eating habits, because I tend to not eat for a long while, just because I don't feel hungry. I just spoke about this with Ale, actually, and I was saying how she should try to get into a routine. And well, that applies to me as well. Volla is currently at Lynx and Grepper's today. I got a snap of her and David this morning, and it made me long for them. Ugh. On another note, I found out that 5 Seconds of Summer are supporting One Direction on their Where We Are tour. But as they did last year, 5SOS are not touring Europe. Which was not so pleasing to hear. Anyway, I should have known that today would be a lot less productive than yesterday. It's slightly disappointing, but I will allow myself that much. You can't expect things to be perfect all the time. Right now though, I am going to do a bit of school work, but I don't have any concrete plans. So that means I'll have no concrete goals, which smells of disaster. If you want to make things happen, you should always have concrete goals. Alright, I'll leave now. Have a nice Saturday, and enjoy that the weekend isn't over yet. 

when you say you won't forget me, well I can tell you that's not true

I was feeling like it finally was spring, so I applied two coats of this bright nail varnish. I normally go for darker shades, as I tend to like them more. It's a nice colour, just a bit too bright for right now. I reckon it'll be perfect for summer. I think it's very funny (not) that less than half an hour after applying the varnish, it started snowing in chunks. I guess I'll have to wait a bit more, then. My goodness, Harry Styles went to yet another Kodaline concert. It's sort of starting to make me angry (jealousy level is high), because I want to go too. Stupid illnesses. It really does irk when I see comments, saying "was the best concert I've ever been to" and likewise. Speaking of Kodaline by the way, there's this playlist on 8tracks I've been enjoying thoroughly the past few days. Full of indie songs, I suppose? It's called Brand New Day, which coincidentally, is also a song by Kodaline. You should give Changing of The Seasons by Two Door Cinema Club a listen. It's really good! Well, I think so. It gives me allusions to something I can't really put my finger on. Anyway, it seems like all my friends were exercising yesterday, not even kidding. Thought it was hilarious this morning when I saw all the snaps. Also, I've now seen the insides of Kiwi's stomach? Oesophagus? I'm not quite sure what I saw. The other day I was listening to music on my phone on shuffle, because I've got no favourite music to listen to at the moment. And maybe I shouldn't be so surprised, as it seems like my phone is a belieber itself, but the songs Die In Your Arms and Love Me Like You Do played straight after each other. And I couldn't help smile, because they're both some of my favourite songs by Justin Bieber. It also made me smile because I started reminiscing back to last year, when I was standing beside my belieber friend in a whole arena filled with beliebers, watching Justin Bieber perform live. And honestly, he's the only person I've ever been star struck to see. Oh the memories. I think I'm done with my paper. And it brings such great relief. I ended up on about 4500 words. Could have probably written a lot more, but my teacher didn't exactly want to correct ten papers at more than 5000 words within less than a week. I feel a bit sorry for her now, so I might just send it in already. Now I've only got my last log to write because it's due on Sunday evening. Hopefully I'll get it done today, so I'll have time to revise a bit. This weekend is basically dedicated to school work, and next week is just "praksis" every day. So I'm sorry if I go a bit awol. It's March tomorrow, which is crazy. But it also means it's only one month left until I'm going to Aalesund, and three months until the One Direction concert and a girls weekend in Sweden. Oh the lols, I am listening to random playlists at 8tracks, and I was thinking is she singing "sex, sex, sex, sex" or is that my imagination? I've been rather doubtful to my own mental state lately, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was my imagination. But to my relief, the song was called Sex Yeah by Marina & The Diamonds. And she does sing "sex" multiple times. Yesterday was very lovely. Allie, Sally and I went to a restaurant and ate, did some school work and had a quiz. It appears that Allie has been to Ireland and she was just talking about their hospitality yesterday when we were dining together. And I'm so jealous, love the Irish. I told them it was nice, getting to know them when they were already in my study group. Because that means I'll get to work with them more. That's been the most annoying thing with my school, I think. Being divided into different study groups and then "praksis" groups, means you'll get to know all of these people. However it's only for a limited time, and then you go off in your different directions, and you might never speak to them again. Anyway, they both agreed with my point. And to think that Sally wasn't even going to be at the same "praksis" as us. I can still remember the day she shouted my name, when I was walking towards the train station. I turned around, a bit unsure whether I had heard correctly or not, seeing as I was listening to music. But there she was, told me we'd be at the same place and asked for my number. That was two months ago, and now we're here. (I'm not going to start humming started from the bottom now we're here. Except I just did). We ended up staying at the restaurant for almost four hours, and we got a goodbye from the staff, ha. I've been to the place multiple times, and I actually recognised some off the staff. Anyway, I've grown obsessed to the apple, cinnamon and raisin tea by Twinings. And it's entirely Marble's fault. It just tastes like comfort and home. It's only 2:00 pm, but I've already managed to cross off 4 things of the 5 things I've got on my list to do today. Success. I feel very good, but we'll see later on, if I actually manage to cross off the last thing. Have a nice Friday lovelies xx. 

I can keep a secret safe for awhile, maybe I'm a liar

Let's talk about Harry Styles. I saw a picture of him doing whatever he's doing in L.A., but what caught my eyes were his boots. Finally something else than chelsea boots, and they look so lovely. The fact that this is what I chose to concentrate on probably says a lot about me. Also, apart from being jealous that Harry is friends with the rest of One Direction, I am now also jealous of him because he attended a Kodaline concert. I'm really jealous of that, and a bit bitter. Anyway, when I walked outside today, I only had one minute until the bus was supposed to arrive. So when I realised it was chucking down with the biggest snow flakes, I only had time to curse myself for not wearing something more sensible. So I was stood outside in my converse and coat. Without an umbrella or hat or anything. The snow flakes were the kind that melts the second it touches the ground, which means I got rather drenched. It was rather unpleasant, to be honest. I'd much rather walk inside and change into wellies and a raincoat. But it was too late, couldn't take the chance and miss my bus. I was at school today-- Allie, Sally and I decided that we needed to work on our papers, and we've strangely been working at them together. I say strangely, because most often I enjoy sitting by myself. Sally said: "sometimes you're too smart for my liking". I shrugged, told her: "that's your interpretation. It's a subjective meaning, alas it's not necessarily true". I earned a kick to the shin for that. Tomorrow we're going to dine and have a little quiz in preparation for our final assessment for our "praksis". My teacher did say that she wouldn't be that hard on us this time. But I'm not quite sure I believe her. Out of all the meetings we've had, I feel today's was the most beneficial. And I'm so glad my teacher listened to us, when we said we didn't want the usual set up for our meetings. Well, when I say we said we didn't want it, I mean: I whined and put my head onto the table and said "noooooo" when it was presented that we were having yet another workshop. At this point it was only one other student in the room because the others had gone to the loo, and some had yet to show up. The other student also said "noooooo". And we went into an explanation as to why it didn't work with workshops. And to my great pleasure she said ok, and that we'd do things differently. I've had a long day, and I had a long day yesterday too. I actually went straight into my bed when I got home yesterday, because I was just so tired. I didn't like fall asleep, but I just couldn't be bothered to move. Until I exercised and had a shower, that is. And in the midst of brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed, Ale called. She had called earlier, when I was at "praksis", but it didn't give us time to chat properly, so we agreed to a call later on. And later on turned out to be in the midst of me brushing my teeth. So I rushed to the bathroom to spit out, crossing my fingers she wouldn't hang up before I'd managed to be somewhat decent. And she didn't, so we chatted for awhile, which was nice. I said to her earlier, that it was nice to hear her voice. And I found that whilst she was retelling me things, retelling her reactions to things, I could imagine it so vividly in my head. Anyway, at the end of the call, I was almost lulled to sleep, very calm. And I think maybe I should stop with my usual routine of listening to a song before I fall asleep. Because it's working too well, which means I fall asleep with the ear buds in my ears. And it can get uncomfortable. Especially when I wake up to realise I'm lying on top of them. Oh well, I ought to try get my paper done. And my log. Next week I'll be done. Done with this "praksis", and it will be such a relief. And I wonder, a few months ahead in time I'll probably be listening to music on my phone when it's on shuffle. And then it'll stop on a song that reminds me of one of my earlier "praksis"-es. And I wonder what song will remind me of this "praksis".