live in cities you'll never see on screen. Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things, living in ruins of a palace within my dreams

Hello very, very lovely people! I'm in a strange happy-mood, so I'm sorry if this is slightly odd. I am very happy with the lovely weather that's been going on for the last week. And I think Kiwi might go a bit crazy with it, seeing as she kept smiling and rambling on about the weather each time we stepped outside. I mean-- I thought I liked nice weather, but Kiwi takes the cake. But it's really good innit? Love having happy people around me, it makes me happy as well. Today I skipped out on some lectures with the excuse that I was going to help Sugar with her paper. The thing is that whilst Kiwi and I are in the same class and have the same schedule, Sugar and my belieber friend are in another class and another schedule. And now Sugar and my belieber friend have the course I was just done with. Like, the "praksis" I started with in January and just ended last week, is the "praksis" they're starting in two weeks. Also, Sugar happens to have the same teacher as I just had, so basically, I could tell Sugar a lot of the things she would need to know. But yes, back to the point-- I was already planning on skipping out of the last lectures, because I am lazy. And well, because I wanted to get home and find a research article for tomorrow. Sugar and I took the train together, which we've done for the past week actually. I've no idea where my brain has been today, because I was a bit absent (my mind) during the first lecture, and at the train back home. Like, I can't even describe it, but imagine a big pot. Put my jumbled thoughts in it, mix it with my bad memory, and my poor ability to transfer my thoughts into coherent sentences. That's basically what happened as I tried explaining Sugar something. Oh well, better luck tomorrow. I am a bit stressed because I still need to find a research article, but it takes such a long time to read through one. And they're a bloody pain in the arse, is the thing. But it'll be alright, it won't be a crisis if I can't find a good one. I've learned to accept that sometimes I can't always have things go my way. Anyway, I think I must go now, and try to find an article or two. Also I should go, because I still can't properly transfer my thoughts into coherent sentences. My head is a really weird place today. Or maybe I've finally gone crazy. Or like, I might just be tired. 

don't know where I'm going, but I'm finding my way

Hiyaaaaaaa. I took these pictures this morning just before the sun was beginning to show, and the sky was a bit pink. It was a very pretty sight, and I stumbled around in the darkness in my bedroom, trying to be all photograph-y. Mind you, it was about 6:00 am, and I'd just woken up. Today was my second day back at school, and I've already started to not enjoy it. Mostly because I don't enjoy sitting for too long. My bum went all numb today, and I was just a bit tired. Nevertheless, I got through the two lectures, before I had lunch and then a meeting with my new "praksis" group??? I'm not quite sure what to call them all. I don't quite think I like my teacher, but I'll give her the benefit of doubt. Because I am spending the next ten weeks in her company-- or well, I'll see her sometimes during the next ten weeks. I was a bit surprised yesterday, to realise that we had two papers for this "praksis", because the main paper is huge. But we do have two papers. We started the first today, and I am luckily in groups with Allie. I was speaking with Sugar who was complaining about group projects and whatnot. I think we all hate working in groups? And I can distinctly remember back in high school, when Sugar and I both attended psychology (well, Ale, too). Our teacher would always put us in groups. I always thought it was horrible. It felt like I didn't gain anything from it, to be honest. And I guess that's why I've been so negative to group projects to this very day. I am however in a good group right now, and I think we'll all be very effective. But it also means I'll have to find a research article quickly, because we have to present our paper in a week. Oh dear, I can't wait for when we have a bit more relaxing schedule. Anyway, one of the lectures were about exercising and activity, and I was of course inspired to choose healthier options. So I took the stairs up 7 floors. Also walked from the train station today, which took me exactly twenty minutes from the second I got off the train. I also had a little run from the post office, mostly because it was cold and windy. But it was definitely apparent that I've not had a run in forever. I want to say that I'm going to be effective and find an article now, but I'm most likely to finish reading this bloody fan fiction at 1409 pages on my iBook. It's a bit longer than I usually read, but it's amazing. Oh, that reminds me-- I knocked on Monchita's door yesterday. I said: "hi, I've just got a lot to say about One Direction, and you don't have to listen, but I just have to say it". And then I went on a long rant. Ohhhh, the tour starts in a month! My One Direction heart will once again be refuelled. Anyway, I've been having a no-make-up policy the past few days. I've decided that I want to avoid make-up as much as I can. It's really nice, saves me time, and I can rub my eyes. Admittedly I look a bit rubbish and tired, but you know, I have to weigh my priorities. Anyway, have a nice Tuesday evening. I'll go do some exercises now, and then have a shower. 

I can't get your smile out of my mind

It's strange, because the prospect of officially becoming a nurse in just a bit over a year have been terrifying to me. I've always thought, oh no, I don't know anything-- how am I supposed to be a proper nurse if I haven't learned anything? Today was the first time (that I can recall) that I felt ready, almost. I felt content with the prospect, because I realised that I do know helluva lot of things I didn't know two years ago. But I'm surrounded by nurses all day everyday, it seems. So it's only when I'm with other people, explaining them things, when it suddenly hits me that maybe I'm using words they don't understand, or maybe I'm saying something with such ease, expecting people to understand what I'm talking about, when they don't. That's when it hits me that I've gained a knowledge that only fellow nurses do. I had proper school today, in which I mean I had a day of lectures. And I could feel myself nodding along to a lot of what was said. In some ways I already knew what they were conveying, but it was still nice to get some repetition and someone to organise the thoughts in my brain, I guess. I think that's what brought it on, because I was sat there in the bloody freezing auditorium, listening to one of the lectures, and I just understood everything, and it made me realise that I'm not that dumb. Which, might sound stupid to you, but it was how I felt. Anyway, the lectures were good too, which was a relief. I would hate to travel to school only to discover that the lectures are shit. Kiwi and I left an hour before, because Sugar and my belieber friend were already done, waiting in the cafeteria. Kiwi made sure to ask me if I didn't want to sit through the lecture, because she got the idea that I was enjoying them. And rightly so. My belieber friend and Sugar made sure to point out that I was skipping, laughing at me. It's all banter though, because I do usually sit through lectures. And I have done before, though they've left me. But I was a bit tired today, and I felt like I had gotten the gist of the lecture, and so I thought why not? The only thing was that Kiwi and I had to walk right past the lecturer on our ways out, which was very awkward. Earlier today, in the midst of the lectures, Kiwi and I had to go to the loo, where we spotted my belieber friend walking from the loo. And I wish I could have gotten a film of it-- but Kiwi and I waved frantically at my belieber friend, and her the same to us. And then we came skipping towards each other, and embraced in a group hug. It was very nice, and made me happy. I also got a proper hug from Sugar, which was nice. And then the kilo-gang was gathered once again, after being apart for quite awhile. I don't know whether it was because lectures had started again, and that we are all done with "praksis", or if it's just that we hadn't seen each other for a long time-- but there was this buzz of being assembled again. Like, I've noticed that we've got a tendency to get a bit loud, everyone talking over each other, and then we laugh manically at things which aren't really that funny. Er, I've just reread that, and it feels like symptoms of something else, ha. But yes, after Kiwi and I skipped out of our last hour of lectures, we all gathered our things and went to embrace the spring. We sat down at Joe & The Juice, which I think is basically another overrated and overpriced cafe(???). At least there were some good music at the start-- including Sam Smith, Disclosure and some Corona with Rythm of The Night. The latter I only know because I've been listening to Bastille's version of it. Which is ace. It's been a really nice day, and nice to see the gals. I spent Saturday and Sunday reading nurse related things, and at one point I felt physically stuffed with information. I feel like I've done good, so I'm going to be happy about that. Right now I'm actually reading an old bachelor by one of my previous nurse supervisors. Oh that's a thing too-- I actually thought of something I might possibly want to write about for my bachelor. I was really chuffed with myself when I scribbled it down on a paper. Right then, I'll leave you to whatever you're supposed to do. Go bloody do it now, so you can have some peace later on. 

and if the night is burning I will cover my eyes

Morning! I was awoken by my bladder at 6:30 am. Thought it was 8:00 am, because my camera said so. And why was I fiddling with my camera? I was trying to take a good shot of the different sources of light outside my window. I tried falling asleep again, but it didn't work, obviously. And when I looked at my phone, I was surprised to see that it was so early. I had plans to sleep forever, after a really exhausting week. One of the staff at my "praksis" said it's the body who says when it's full stop, not the mind. The mind just carries on. And I think that happened to me yesterday. I did walk to my "praksis" as planned, and it was a nice excuse to put on my wellies and raincoat and trudge out in the rain. The childish satisfaction of stepping into a puddle of water when you're wearing wellies-- I don't know if I'll ever lose that. It took me shorter than expected, which means I had to slow down unless I wanted to show up almost an hour early. I panicked a little yesterday morning, when I patted down my pockets and couldn't find the key to my wardrobe. I crossed my fingers I'd find it again, and I was relived to see that it was in the locker in the wardrobe. Was it yesterday, or the day before? Anyway, one morning the staff were talking about how a sixty year old woman had just had her first child. And then they all started joking around that they should try getting pregnant now, seeing as some of the staff are 60. It was hilarious, and it made me think that I'll miss it. I'll miss being in a conversation with people double and triple my age, and I'll miss having my nurse supervisor, and I'll miss the banter. On Fridays we have a gathered lunch with all the staff and patients, and it was nice, because all the people who had been responsible for the cooking was gathered at one place. We had a lovely chat, and then a quiz. And as per usual I couldn't answer one question. A week ago I asked the physiotherapist about mindfulness. And I'd forgotten until she asked me yesterday if I still wanted to know more about it. I nodded, ever so eager to learn more. I followed her into the office, and she asked me to lie down, and I laughed nervously. "I actually feel really nervous, like I'm a patient of yours". She taught me some breathing exercises and told me about mindfulness, before Sally came knocking on the door, and popped her head in: "I heard you were talking about mindfulness". So the physiotherapist did the same thing with Sally, asked her to lie down. And basically, we got a little mini lecture about mindfulness and the use of breathing techniques. It was very nice-- most of the staff have been so welcoming, and so nice. Anyway, after that I sat down with a new patient, who I'd greeted on Thursday. She looked a bit miserable, and she told me she'd felt a bit lonely and wanted to have a chat. So that's what I did. I sat with her for one and a half hour, actually. With some intruders once in awhile, ha. Sally came to join us, before she left. And then there was some other staff too. I figured she needed a good ol' chat with a pal, just like you do. It's hard, because sometimes we get so absorbed by the illnesses, that we don't focus on what's healthy with the person. She said "this was cosy" after I'd chatted with her for awhile, and then she asked if it was my last day. I felt slightly bad when I said yes, because I'd created a good relation between us. But I hope I made her day a bit better. Oh that's a thing that hit me the other day-- I was just listening to a conversation after we had our usual meetings, and it hit me that I was right to choose to become a nurse. Because I remember back in high school and I'd sit there and look at one of my teachers, and think "I want to help people, like she's done". And I can't actually think of a job that would give as much as I will when being a nurse. It was such a nice relief, this revelation, because I've always doubted my choice. We've met with so many opportunities nowadays, it's hard to know whether you're doing the right thing. Anyway, I also realised during my final assessment on Wednesday, that I've learned helluva lot during these last eight weeks. I was just sat there with one of my supervisors and my teacher, and we had a conversation with all these terms I wouldn't have understood back in January. My teacher said "you've achieved more than what was expected". I was delighted to hear that, as I have been working my arse off to reach the expectations. Allie, Sally and I have spent ages talking about the goals the school has presented to us for our "praksis". So it was very nice to hear that I'd exceeded the expectations. Sally left before me yesterday, because she was allowed. I would have been to, but I wanted to wait for my nurse supervisor. She had the evening shift yesterday, so I waited for her to come. And then I said my goodbyes to her, had a hug. And then I basically got a hug from everyone else in the room. I got a proper hug from one of Sally's supervisors too, and well, I do love a proper hug. Another chapter of my life is over, I guess. Always bitter sweet, and now it's back to school on Monday. When I walked home yesterday, the wind had picked up, and halfway my blood sugar had dropped, and I was so tired. If I wasn't so tired, I would have laughed at myself, because it genuinely felt like I was walking in a desert without any water. I had to chant for myself "I'm almost home, I'm almost home". Because I was honestly so tired, I wanted to sit down on the cold and wet ground and try to regenerate some energy. And that's how I know I was exhausted, that's how I know that "praksis" have actually tired me out properly. When I got home, I was so happy. And I sat down to eat all the things I had been imagining to eat whilst walking home, before I plopped down on my bed and under the duvet. I texted my sister to ask if she was at the mall, and if she could buy me chocolate and chocolate crackers. She did, which I was really grateful for. I fell asleep around 10:45 pm yesterday, and now I'm here. And it's sunny like I wished for yesterday. I've been reading obituaries and it reminds me to not take life for granted. I don't usually read obituaries, but it was in the nursing magazine, which I'm trying to finish reading now. I got a new one, this week, and I had yet to read the previous one. And I've been making an effort to read those bloody magazines, because I pay money for them, and because there's actually a lot of important things in them. I've not made any specific plans for the day, other than to relax a bit. I have to enjoy that "praksis" is over, before everything starts up again. I'm probably going to set a few goals for the day later. But for now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and continue reading my magazines. Have a nice Saturday xx. 

And if you were to ask me after all that we’ve been through- "still believe in magic?" Yes, I do. Oh, yes I do.

I think congratulations are in order. Happy birthday to Darren. Congratulations to all my friends with new jobs. And congratulations for whatever made you feel accomplished today. Today was a good day, though I almost fell asleep during a little lecture we had at "praksis". I fought so hard to keep my eyes open, which means my eyes looked really crazy because I was trying to keep them in activity, so they wouldn't shut. I did jokingly think of doing a Mr. Bean. Anyway, Sally and I bought flowers and chocolate for the people at my "praksis" because they've been so lovely with us. They were all very glad when I presented the flowers, and had a little speech. I think Sally planned it all along, that she'd just sit down and eat her lunch, while I'd get to hover awkwardly by the door. "Hear, hear!" I said, in which everyone started laughing. Me included, of course. There were even more noise when I presented chocolate, though. Ha, that is definitely something I have understanding for. My bus card only lasted until today, and I figured I'd take the opportunity to make myself walk to my "praksis". I feel like I've been so lazy these past weeks, so it'll be good. My goodness, I am loving the new Coldplay tune. Magic has been on replay. Ace, I am so glad I was tuning in to listen to Grimmy at his breakfast show (erm, the radio) Monday morning. I was also surprised to hear that Stay High by Hippie Sabotage was getting hype. I was really obsessed with the song back in December, and I'm glad it's getting recognition. I am always happy when my favourite tunes are getting recognition. When I went on Twitter today, I did a double take, because did I see Kodaline and Harry Styles in the same tweet? Oh yes. Apparently they were in the studio, writing a song? To be fair, I sort of shouted "what the hell", and then proceeded to bang my head on my bed because I was sat on the floor. I started wondering if I was jealous, and in that case: of which person am I jealous? I think I am most jealous of Harry. The thing is, I first discovered Kodaline when I was browsing through videos (about a year ago now, actually), looking for songs for Kiwi. A very happy accident. This was before they released their CD. And just a bit later, Niall and his Irish pals started tweeting about Kodaline. Well, actually, it occured to me that Niall firstly tweeted about them in January. Which-- why had I not looked them up before? Oh well. Anyway, then their CD was out in June, and I listened to it on repeat throughout summer. And then we found out that they were having a gig in Norway. And we bought tickets, and I was counting down the days. And then it was cancelled, and now I'm never going to get to see them perform the songs from In A Perfect World. And I had sort of started to forget about it, until Harry started going to their concerts. And then a person I follow on Tumblr, and then Nicole Scherzinger, and who doesn't go to a Kodaline concert these days? It's just that I really want Kodaline to bring their arses back here and do a gig. Blahrgh. I'm going to go now, off to bed and everything, seeing as I was so knackered today. Tomorrow will be my last day, which is a relief, but also bitter sweet. But that's how it always goes for me. Sleep well xx.