and if the night is burning I will cover my eyes

Morning! I was awoken by my bladder at 6:30 am. Thought it was 8:00 am, because my camera said so. And why was I fiddling with my camera? I was trying to take a good shot of the different sources of light outside my window. I tried falling asleep again, but it didn't work, obviously. And when I looked at my phone, I was surprised to see that it was so early. I had plans to sleep forever, after a really exhausting week. One of the staff at my "praksis" said it's the body who says when it's full stop, not the mind. The mind just carries on. And I think that happened to me yesterday. I did walk to my "praksis" as planned, and it was a nice excuse to put on my wellies and raincoat and trudge out in the rain. The childish satisfaction of stepping into a puddle of water when you're wearing wellies-- I don't know if I'll ever lose that. It took me shorter than expected, which means I had to slow down unless I wanted to show up almost an hour early. I panicked a little yesterday morning, when I patted down my pockets and couldn't find the key to my wardrobe. I crossed my fingers I'd find it again, and I was relived to see that it was in the locker in the wardrobe. Was it yesterday, or the day before? Anyway, one morning the staff were talking about how a sixty year old woman had just had her first child. And then they all started joking around that they should try getting pregnant now, seeing as some of the staff are 60. It was hilarious, and it made me think that I'll miss it. I'll miss being in a conversation with people double and triple my age, and I'll miss having my nurse supervisor, and I'll miss the banter. On Fridays we have a gathered lunch with all the staff and patients, and it was nice, because all the people who had been responsible for the cooking was gathered at one place. We had a lovely chat, and then a quiz. And as per usual I couldn't answer one question. A week ago I asked the physiotherapist about mindfulness. And I'd forgotten until she asked me yesterday if I still wanted to know more about it. I nodded, ever so eager to learn more. I followed her into the office, and she asked me to lie down, and I laughed nervously. "I actually feel really nervous, like I'm a patient of yours". She taught me some breathing exercises and told me about mindfulness, before Sally came knocking on the door, and popped her head in: "I heard you were talking about mindfulness". So the physiotherapist did the same thing with Sally, asked her to lie down. And basically, we got a little mini lecture about mindfulness and the use of breathing techniques. It was very nice-- most of the staff have been so welcoming, and so nice. Anyway, after that I sat down with a new patient, who I'd greeted on Thursday. She looked a bit miserable, and she told me she'd felt a bit lonely and wanted to have a chat. So that's what I did. I sat with her for one and a half hour, actually. With some intruders once in awhile, ha. Sally came to join us, before she left. And then there was some other staff too. I figured she needed a good ol' chat with a pal, just like you do. It's hard, because sometimes we get so absorbed by the illnesses, that we don't focus on what's healthy with the person. She said "this was cosy" after I'd chatted with her for awhile, and then she asked if it was my last day. I felt slightly bad when I said yes, because I'd created a good relation between us. But I hope I made her day a bit better. Oh that's a thing that hit me the other day-- I was just listening to a conversation after we had our usual meetings, and it hit me that I was right to choose to become a nurse. Because I remember back in high school and I'd sit there and look at one of my teachers, and think "I want to help people, like she's done". And I can't actually think of a job that would give as much as I will when being a nurse. It was such a nice relief, this revelation, because I've always doubted my choice. We've met with so many opportunities nowadays, it's hard to know whether you're doing the right thing. Anyway, I also realised during my final assessment on Wednesday, that I've learned helluva lot during these last eight weeks. I was just sat there with one of my supervisors and my teacher, and we had a conversation with all these terms I wouldn't have understood back in January. My teacher said "you've achieved more than what was expected". I was delighted to hear that, as I have been working my arse off to reach the expectations. Allie, Sally and I have spent ages talking about the goals the school has presented to us for our "praksis". So it was very nice to hear that I'd exceeded the expectations. Sally left before me yesterday, because she was allowed. I would have been to, but I wanted to wait for my nurse supervisor. She had the evening shift yesterday, so I waited for her to come. And then I said my goodbyes to her, had a hug. And then I basically got a hug from everyone else in the room. I got a proper hug from one of Sally's supervisors too, and well, I do love a proper hug. Another chapter of my life is over, I guess. Always bitter sweet, and now it's back to school on Monday. When I walked home yesterday, the wind had picked up, and halfway my blood sugar had dropped, and I was so tired. If I wasn't so tired, I would have laughed at myself, because it genuinely felt like I was walking in a desert without any water. I had to chant for myself "I'm almost home, I'm almost home". Because I was honestly so tired, I wanted to sit down on the cold and wet ground and try to regenerate some energy. And that's how I know I was exhausted, that's how I know that "praksis" have actually tired me out properly. When I got home, I was so happy. And I sat down to eat all the things I had been imagining to eat whilst walking home, before I plopped down on my bed and under the duvet. I texted my sister to ask if she was at the mall, and if she could buy me chocolate and chocolate crackers. She did, which I was really grateful for. I fell asleep around 10:45 pm yesterday, and now I'm here. And it's sunny like I wished for yesterday. I've been reading obituaries and it reminds me to not take life for granted. I don't usually read obituaries, but it was in the nursing magazine, which I'm trying to finish reading now. I got a new one, this week, and I had yet to read the previous one. And I've been making an effort to read those bloody magazines, because I pay money for them, and because there's actually a lot of important things in them. I've not made any specific plans for the day, other than to relax a bit. I have to enjoy that "praksis" is over, before everything starts up again. I'm probably going to set a few goals for the day later. But for now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and continue reading my magazines. Have a nice Saturday xx.