speak until the dust settles in the same specific place

My favourite part about my sister's house, is their built-in ice machine in the refrigerator. Yesterday I think I drank around 15 glasses of water because I was so thirsty. Yesterday I woke up at 5 am, because I decided to take the earliest train in order to avoid delays and missing my plane. Also, if you watch/read the news, there's been a lot of accidents with planes as of late. And for the first time in my life, I felt a bit anxious about flying. Luckily it went well. The baggage claim was filled with suitcases and bags. None of which were ours, so I waited 40 minutes before my battered suitcase arrived. Then I quickly found myself a seat on the bus, and waited for it to drive to send a text to Lynx. Only, the bus driver decided to wait for more passengers, as he knew that there had been delays with the baggage. I thought maybe I'd get to sit alone this time, but I really didn't. A woman zeroed her eyes on the seat beside me, sat down and found an apple from her backpack, which she quickly started eating. I was listening to music, preparing myself for a nice ride (the view is always really nice). "So where have you flown from?" she asked. And I answered. We fell into a long conversation that quickly turned into a conversation about Easter and Christianity. I nodded along, and decided to listen to what she had to say, because I thought she might have the need for it. And as a nurse student, you get into a lot of strange conversations with people, which is a good thing because then you're always prepared for weird conversations. She then proceeded to say a prayer for me, which I thought was slightly hilarious, considering the mormons I met the other day. But I was thankful nevertheless, because these are people saying prayers for me. And regardless if I believe it or not, they believe it. And that's actually a really nice thing, when you think about it. At one point she started crying, and again; thank goodness for being a nurse-student because I don't know how I'd react if I wasn't already so used to people crying. We held hands, and when we parted our ways, she told me that God has a plan for me. Hopefully it means I'll survive my plane ride back home, because that's my current worry. Today I chopped off half of my hair, ate a little bar of chocolate and tried to write a bit for my thesis whilst my nephew was at a birthday party. I did manage to do a bit, but not that much. I've just given my nephew a bath, and he's currently in my room jumping in the bed as always. He's a strange one, but very amusing. 

I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear. I'm the face that you have to face, mirrored in your stare

I am still a bit upset about Zayn leaving One Direction, and I probably will for a long time. I just can't listen to a song of theirs without flinching and quickly changing the song. Because I wanted to release emotions and look back at the good ol' days, I watched This Is Us yesterday. It was a good decision, because though I was sad, it also made me happy. It reminded me of how much joy this band has brought me. Now I'm looking forward to the times all of them will be gathered, because I've always been a fan of their friendship before anything else. It's quite amazing to see how much a person from this band can affect the world this much. There were a lot of nice and supportive tweets from different celebrities. It's not a new thing; someone leaving a band. And in some way I'm lucky that I've been in so many fandoms and experienced splits and whatnot, so I'm not crushed. Today was a very tiring day. I'd expected loads of rain, but when I woke up, all I could see was snow. On the bright side, I got to wear my coat. On the not-so bright side, I almost turned into a snow man whilst waiting for the bus. I genuinely ended up with a lump of snow behind my ear, because it was snowing in that direction. My train had to drive another route due to traffic and we stopped quite often due to lack of signal and stuff. But I have to admit that despite it taking me 40 minutes longer to get to school due to the long train ride, it was quite nice. And my usual route is through tunnels, which means you can't see anything. But then I had to walk in the snow again, and I got a snow-shower as I call it. Drenched in melting snow, I escaped to the toilets the moment I arrived at school. Kiwi, Marble and I had initially planned to have an easter brekkie together, but it was very delayed, and Marble couldn't make it due to the weather. I brought two boiled eggs, one for me and one for Kiwi. My belieber friend looked at me in horror as I was eating bread with something else than cheese and ham. I had my first guidance? meeting with my teacher today, and it was a bit like I expected. Thus far my thesis has been something distant. It's just been this paper that I have to finish, but nothing more than that. Today was a bit like a reality-check as my belieber friend so nicely put it. I just realised just how much work it is, and that I have to get cracking. I thought to myself on the way home today (which took me 50 minutes longer than usual) that it's a good thing a mormon said a prayer about my thesis. Yes, that happened. Marble, Kiwi and my belieber friend were almost aghast when I told them about my scheduled meeting with the mormons yesterday. When I left them at our favourite table in the school canteen to meet up with the mormons, they basically treated me like a child who was about to get kidnapped. I followed my gut, and it ended up being a nice meeting though I'm not going to become a mormon in the nearest future. Marble said: "you're just a naturally curious person". I guess I am. I'm really hoping the traffic will be alright tomorrow, because you know I have anxiety about missing my plane. Agh. Right now I have to have a shower, pack and print out some research articles. The latter sounds so much fun! I am bringing my laptop when travelling, because I am going to try to get some work done. However, I'm not so sure how much blogging there will be? Have a good Easter holiday.

Spaces between us keep getting deeper. It's harder to reach ya, even though I try. Spaces between us hold all our secrets, leaving us speechless and I don't know why. Who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?

Back in November, I wrote about FOUR, and I said this about Spaces: "It's a song about a theme that sort of hits home. Someone on Tumblr wrote "what if it's about them and splitting up". Obviously it's not, but it definitely put a picture in my head, which I can't get rid off now. Especially as Niall sings "who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?", because he's probably their biggest fan, and I don't think he ever wants One Direction to be over. Now I can't stop imagining Niall begging the boys to stay together and crying, which, I don't think I want that in my head, thanks". It's a very suitable song for this day. For the past few months, I've silently stepped away from the One Direction fandom. I've barely read any One Direction fan fiction the past months, nor have I been much at Tumblr. I've almost not seen any videos from the current tour either. I've not completely quit the fandom, I am still very fond of One Direction, and will probably always be. Mars commented on it the other day; "you're not as crazy as before". And I thought to myself that she was right. Trying to stop being a fan of One Direction is something I've tried multiple times, but it's never worked until now. I think that I sort of knew that they were close to splitting, I had a feeling. I've had it ever since I properly listened to Best Song Ever, I think. I always feel sentimental when listening to it, because I've learned to associate it with endings. And Zayn sings: "I hope you'll remember how we danced". That's when I realised that the end might be soon. Also, the past year I've read a lot of post-One Direction fan fiction that has hit home. It's a bit like I've been preparing for the inevitable end. I am surprised that Zayn decided to leave the band right now, in the midst of their tour. But I'm not surprised that it was Zayn who "was the first to say goodbye". I've always thought of him as more emotional than the others, and less thick skin. Having those features is a great thing, but not when he's in the spotlight and constantly dragged down by people. A few days ago, a person who I follow on Tumblr commented that she thought it was lame that Zayn had taken a break in the middle of the tour, and that it wasn't professional. I sent her a message saying something like: I don't know about you, but if I had to choose between my mental health and work, I'd choose my health first. I think you've forgotten that Zayn is a human too, also with emotions regardless of being a "celebrity". And I still stand by it. Though I'm not exactly happy about him leaving, I'm happy that he's choosing his health and happiness before other things, and I can't imagine it ever being an easy decision. (I'm also thinking about how Niall will take it, if he cried openly about JLS splitting up. Hope all of them are having hugs, and that Liam won't appear on Twitter drunk). I just went to get myself a cup of tea, and it's the first time I've used my One Direction mug in months, because each time I've looked at it, I've just felt bad. It's really hard for me to write about my feelings, because I just feel a bit numb. I don't think it's dawned on me just yet, but jeez. I might have a break down after I've posted this. I definitely know I'm going to cry, that's inevitable for me. I've had really great days for the past week, but each evening has ended sour for different reasons. But you know, as Oyster just told me: his happiness comes first. As for One Direction, I don't know. The times someone's been gone, they've never introduced themselves as One Direction. But I guess they'll have to now. I don't know about the dynamics, because I've always thought that the five of them were destined to be together, and that the band wouldn't have happened without all of them. But I think life goes on, and human beings are really good at adjusting. I'm also excited to see what kind of direction One Direction will go now, and if Zayn has some future projects (perhaps with Naughty Boy). 

I can't stop, stop playing this song, it makes me high

When I was around 10-11, I had a crush on the new boy in class. He was everything the other boys weren't, and I've always liked people who are different. He even wrote "a" instead of "ɑ". So for a long time I started writing "a" as well. In the end, the crush moved onto a good friendship, but I continued using "a" for a while. There are times I question the decisions in my life more than other. And today I managed to plan a meeting with two Mormons tomorrow. I think I might have a problem with saying no to people talking about their religion, though. I'm just open to listen to people talk about things they are passionate about unless it's something they're trying to sell me (as in something materialistic). Oh well, I'm not too bothered. Today has been a long day, it feels like. I went to a hospital I've never been to before, and I told my belieber friend that it reminds me more of a campus than a hospital. Also, it's been a while since I've been in such an old building. We went there to look through the library, though we left pretty much empty-handed. Nevertheless, it was a nice trip, I thought. Especially since it was such nice weather. But I did get scolded on the train earlier this morning. I met a person I went to school with a long time ago, and we weren't aware that we were on the "silent" train where you're not supposed to talk or make much noise. Well, we were talking, when a woman looked at us with a very annoyed expression: "we're on the silent train". We shut up, and I felt like a six year old getting reprimanded by the teacher or summat. I should probably start thinking about packing, and I might make a list tonight so I can just get it done tomorrow. Ah, I'm still terrified I'll miss my plane. Like, it's at the back of my mind, and each time I step on the train I keep thinking: "ah, it'll probably be late on Friday, which means I'll probably miss my plane". Oh, wait, I just found an earlier train. That does mean that I'll have to wake up at the crack of dawn though. I think it's the same train Marble and I took when we went to Dublin actually. There's no bus that early, so I'll have to get my dad to drive me. Ah, yes solutions! Well, it depends on whether my dad is willing to wake up that early. 

you fill my head with pieces of a song I can't get out.

Then: I'm pretty sure the people sitting at the table in front of me are playing a table game. Perhaps it's chess. I am currently sitting at a table in the cafeteria at school, switching between trying to write on my thesis and reading fan fiction. Surprisingly, it seems to work. I'm just sad that it's nearly the end of the fan fiction. Also, reading a sad fan fiction in public is never a good idea. But quite a few of the saddest fan fictions I've ever read has been at this very school. I am also here alone, so that might be a factor to my productivity. I figured that I should try to go to school every day, if I want to get things done. As it is, home is a nice place for relaxing and sleeping. It's not such a great place for doing work on my thesis when I've got two months? I'm mostly only productive when I'm under stress to get things done. All I know is that I'm probably going to get decubitus ulcers (as Wikipedia so nicely calls it) on my bum due to all the sitting in chairs. Perhaps I'll have to start sitting in cafes. I'll finally get to sit in cafes and write, like a true writer. Only, I'll be writing on my thesis. A few days ago I got a message by my doctor saying: "you don't have any infectious diseases". I wasn't all that surprised, but still-- I don't have HIV! Surely that's something to celebrate? Ale called yesterday, when I was trying to psych myself up for some writing on my thesis. She's one of a few that I'll want to have long conversations with over the phone. I do always appreciate our conversations, but I find that all conversations are best in flesh. Now: My neighbour has cut down almost all of their trees, so now it looks really naked. They're building two new houses on their property, if things goes as planned. It essentially means we'll have new neighbours in a year or so, that there will be a lot of noise in the future, and that we won't be bothered with as much leaves. I was not aware that Louis Tomlinson could summon cheeseburgers, but what do I know these days? Lol, I couldn't not include this gifset, because it's hilarious. On Sundays I clean, and yesterday I made a new to-do list, as shown in the picture, decorated with decorative tape. It's really satisfying to look at it. At Swim, Two Boys is a book that I want to read, but can't get a hold of. I am hoping to finish what I need to finish on my thesis by tomorrow. I did do quite a bit today, which I'm happy about. Hopefully my productivity will last. Right now, however, I am going to grab something to eat. 

say something, something like you love me

I ran out of Oyster's house with my tail between my legs today. "You're 21, you can make the decision on your own," Oyster told me, whilst I was hiding in a corner in their tiny hallway. Imagine Oyster, Mars, their younger brother, an 11-year old and a toddler all in a small hallway. That was the situation, as I decided between staying at Oyster's house and leaving this afternoon. I went to Oyster around noon today because we decided that we'd do yoga together. Monchita decided to tag along, and we were on our way after I'd bought plane tickets for my mum. It was really sunny today, though very cold and windy. I wore my sunglasses for the first time this year, had my yoga mat slung over my shoulder and felt a bit like a tool. In the basement of Oyster's house, we set up our mats, and began doing yoga with Mars and Monchita as bystanders, halfway participants. It was hard, but the end of the routine we've been doing is quite relaxing, which is why I always end up thinking "this was easy, wasn't it?" as if I've forgotten those really hard yoga positions. Oyster and I got served smoothies made by Mars and Monchita. After cleaning up after us, we just sat in the drawing room (I guess) and chilled. Around 3 pm, we ate. Then I spent the next hours just sitting around whilst the rest of the house was cleaning, getting ready for visitors. In the end I ended up in Oyster's new chair in her bedroom, listening to Nick Jonas performing Chains on Ellen. It's weird and amusing how after all these years, I still have this crush on him. Gah, he's just got these nice arms, is the thing. Discussing Nick Jonas with Oyster felt like a blast from the past. Around 6 pm, the visitors had all arrived, and I had decided that I'd leave then. Only, Oyster told me to stay. As did Mars. As did their mum. But I don't know if you know the feeling of being 11 and having all these distant relatives over, and then you have to go greet all of them because your mum says so? That's how I felt as I descended the stairs. In the end I left, halfway because I was embarrassed, halfway because I knew if I stayed, I'd end up staying really late. When Oyster and co moved house, closer to my own house, I figured maybe I wouldn't go on those visits where I stay the whole day anymore. But they're really good at keeping me to stay longer. When I got home, I was delighted to see that Perks of Being A Wallflower was on television. I was shocked to realise that it's actually three years old (2012), but not so shocked by how bloody good it is. I think Perks is a book I'll enjoy rereading throughout my life, regardless of how many times I've already read it. I just genuinely believe it's brilliant. The movie is a great adaptation, and I did spend a lot of time crying as usual. After Perks, I switched channel and was delighted to see HSM3! Another blast from the past, I thought, as I was singing along to the songs. Can you believe that HSM3 is seven years old? HSM is always going to be a part of my childhood, and I'll probably always remember the lyrics. Yesterday was spent at my belieber friend's humble abode, where I got a lecture about taxes and how to open a box of seasoning. We played Mario on Wii, and as per usual we sucked. We did however, manage one of the world we've been having a hard time with. Only, we lost all of our lives after that, and when it's game over, we have to start all over. So that was annoying. We watched a few episodes of The Kardashians, and my goodness. I just don't understand how people can actually watch all of the episodes, because I feel like I go crazy by watching two episodes, only. I stayed at my belieber friend's house from 2 pm - 10:30 pm. We mostly sat in the sofa, watching television and things. Darren went out some time, and I was surprised when he got back, because where did the time go? It's nice sometimes, just watching television with my friends. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. Anyway, I got home around midnight because my subway/metro/tube was somewhat late due to unexpected happenings. However, that gave me more time to listen to music. I do actually really enjoy the trip home from my belieber friend. And it's always interesting to people-watch when it's late evening on a Friday. All in all, the past two days I've felt more like a child than I have in a long time. Suitably, I am going to head to bed now. 

So open up my eyes, tell me I'm alive. This is never gonna go our way if I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

What a weird day. I've been almost convinced that it's Tuesday, but also had the feeling that Saturday was coming up soon, and therefore I had to buy some chocolate. I also brought sunglasses today. A great choice considering it was raining most of the day, and I don't think I saw any signs of the sun. To be fair, it's nothing new. If knowing the day and date whilst being in "praksis" wasn't needed, I probably wouldn't know which day it was then either. Working on my dissertation has made me realise how much work I have ahead of me, but I found myself thinking if I'd rather be in "praksis" right now. And I thought "hell no!". I stayed at school from 8 am until 3 pm, writing. Only, I didn't write what I needed to write, which is typical me. I've got two thousand words, and I'll probably end up using 800 of those words. But you know, it's a start, and that's good! The other day I was just browsing through Youtube in boredom, when I stumbled across the audio video for Believe by Mumford & Sons. Admittedly I was a bit sceptical when I read the comments, but it's actually really good. I feel like I fall in love and out of love with songs daily, but Believe (and generally most songs by Mumford & Sons) is a kind of song that I like. Ugh, how do I explain it? I am a person who likes a lot of different genres, and I'm always open to listen to all kinds of songs. And I can fall in love with a song regardless of the genre. However, there's the kind of music that's my favourite kind, the ones that stick to my soul, I guess. And I think Believe is one of them. There's also something about the structure of the song that's right up my street. I like build-ups, is the thing. It's why I like long cross country skiing races, or why I enjoy listening to Ludovico Einaudi, or why my favourite OneRepublic song will always be Waking Up. It gives me goosebumps, is the thing. And I can imagine running to it, like I did to Creep by Radiohead that time I woke up to see the sunrise. In conclusion, I really like Mumford & Sons new single, and I'm excited to see how their album will be. I think I'll go to sleep soon. I've been going to bed early for the past days, and therefore I've gotten a decent night's sleep. So clap on my shoulder, because that's an achievement for me. Also, am currently having appreciative emotions about my friends, so to my friends: give yourself clap on your shoulders for something good you did. Also just give yourself a clap on your shoulder for the sake of it.  

tried to keep you close to me, but life got in between

Happy St. Patricks day everyone! I wore my Ireland t-shirt this morning, and coincidentally the first song on my playlist today was Take Me To Church by Hozier, who happens to be Irish. Have a beer and have some cheer. Ah, I'm so good at rhymes. No, but seriously, I really hope that I can be in Ireland on March 17th one day. I was not ready for a proper day of school today. It was a lot harder than I thought, and trying to focus for so many hours without a proper break was awful. It was also like a slap back to reality when my teacher started talking about the bachelor paper (erm, thesis? dissertation? Am probably going to call it the latter), because I realised just how much work I've got to do the next few weeks. I'm still trying to clear my head from my "praksis" and the exam, but I think I'm ready to start a new project now. I've realised that I take on "projects" quite regularly, and I end up with too many things on my plate. So that's something I've got to work on. Yay for self-analysis. Am listening to the breakfast show from this morning, and it's so weird because Jim Chapman was on talking about Vlogging. My fandoms are colliding, is the thing. And speaking of fandoms, I just watched an episode of Skins, called "Rise: Part one". I hadn't seen it before because I only watched the episodes with Effy and Cassie when they were released. I think I wanted to watch Skins, because I was looking through Kaya Scodelario's (also known as Effy Stonem in Skins) Instagram, and she had posted an old picture of the Skins cast. I was looking through her Instagram, because she's in The Maze Runner along with my favourite, Dylan O'Brien. Ah, I am really looking forward to a new season of Teen Wolf. Ever since I finished reading that fan fiction last week, I just can't find any joy in reading any other fan fictions. It's ruined me for any other fan fiction. I ought to go eat soon, because I think I'll go to bed early. I'm going to school tomorrow, so I can get some work done. 

Where the hell did you come from? You're a different, different kind of fun and I'm so used to feeling numb

"Hvor gammel er du?" "Eh, jeg blir 22 i år" "Ok, så du er over 16 altså". Ja, jeg hadde denne samtalen i dag, og jeg er ganske sikker på at jeg ikke ser ut som en sekstenåring, til tross for at lillesøsteren min påstår det. Jeg er på utkikk etter en ny vår-jakke, ettersom jeg har innsett at jeg ikke kan sprade rundt i ullkåper hele året. Men dette betyr at jeg er nødt til å nyte den siste tiden jeg kan ta de i bruk før det blir for varmt. Etter en tur innom shoppingsenteret, fant jeg ut at det er et ganske stort utvalg av vår-jakker, og at det er vanskelig å bestemme seg for èn. Istedet for en vår-jakke, kom jeg hjem med en overdel og et skjørt. Det er ikke ofte jeg begår spontankjøp, så innimellom synes jeg at man skal tillate seg det. Jeg stod opp tidlig i dag selv om det har vært en fridag. Det skyldes at jeg fikk time hos legen. Denne gangen fikk jeg en av litt yngre kaliber. Det er ikke slik at jeg stadig bytter leger, men legen jeg hadde forrige gang (hvilket føles ut som noen dager siden) var fastlegen min. Han har imidlertid pensjonert seg, og var kun vikar forrige gang. Det viser seg at min nye lege er i slekt med min gamle, så jeg forsøkte å se etter familiære trekk i de fire minuttene jeg satt inne på legekontoret. Fant ikke så mange på den korte tiden, men jeg fikk i hvertfall gå derifra uten å betale en krone. Legen min tror ikke at jeg har HIV, så det er jo godt å høre. Men jeg tror at etter Kiwi forsøkte å roe meg med sine fakta, så ble jeg faktisk beroliget, for jeg har ikke tenkt noe særlig mer på det. Lynx ringte meg for litt siden og bekreftet at jeg skulle klippe og farge håret. "Da har vi en plan," sa hun etter vi hadde avtalt hårklipp og annet. Dagene går fort, og plutselig skal jeg reise. Har aldri hatt flyskrekk, men jeg er livredd for å miste fly. Jeg har riktignok aldri mistet ett fly, men jeg har vært på hårstrået opptil flere ganger. Sist gang var faktisk på vei til Lynx, så jeg kjenner at nervøsiteten allerede stiger innpå. Blir ikke overrasket om jeg drømmer om å miste flyet de neste dagene. Helgen var slitsom, og jeg kjenner at det er godt at forrige uke er over. "Ny uke, nye muligheter" skrev Ale på en snap. Til tross for at jeg stod opp tidlig, sov jeg faktisk i 9 timer. Og til tross for legebesøk, har jeg virkelig slappet av. Nå skal jeg spise, trene og dusje. For i morgen venter en skoledag, hvilket jeg ikke har hatt på flere måneder. 

you make me feel better

Det er fredag og jeg lurer på om jeg skal feire dagen med en øl. Mest sannsynligvis ikke, går nok for en kopp te i stedet. Jeg var veldig spent på hvordan dagen ville bli, da jeg satt og leste fan fiction på morgenkvisten i stedet for å lese igjennom notatene mine til eksamen. Det var ikke før jeg satte meg ned i en sofa på lokalet, at jeg tenkte "det er kanskje lurt å lese litt igjennom da". Det skal riktignok sies at jeg hadde med meg en notatbok der jeg hadde lagd notater fra notatene mine. Så det var en del ufullstendige setninger som gav mening for noen måneder siden, men ikke så mye mening da jeg satt og prøvde å forstå i dag tidlig. Av alle mennesker, møtte jeg Ingrid som la seg flat i sofaen ved siden av meg og nyste x3. "Prosit," sa jeg, og tenkte på alle de gangene jeg har sett henne forkjølet. Litt etter hvert kom flere mennesker snublende inn dørene og fant seg plasser for å lese igjennom notatene sine. Sugar brakte med sin entourage litt senere, og det tok ikke lange tiden før vi gikk inn for å sette oss inne på lokalene. Eksamen var overraskende. Litt irritert, satt jeg og tenkte at den faktisk var perfekt, bare vi hadde hatt den først. "Hadde kanskje fått en A om vi hadde fått denne først", sa min belieber venn i etterkant. Kilo-gjengen møttes på vårt faste stamsted, kantinen på skolen vår, ala Central Perk (Friends, dere). Vårt favoritt bord, derimot, var tatt av den samme personen som alltid stjeler bordet vårt (nei, bordet tilhører ikke oss, men likevel). Kiwi kom rullende med kofferten sin (dessverre ikke på rollerblades), like etter min belieber venn og jeg hadde satt oss ned. Hun hørtes ut som om hun hadde sett på The Fault In Our Stars, men hun var visst bare syk. Sugar kom gående ikke så lenge etter. Etter alle var samlet, flyttet vi oss ca. 40 meter til Espresso House. Marble kom gående inn etter avtale om å møte oss, og vi hadde alle kjøpt oss litt av hvert. Jeg kjøpte meg en gulrot-muffins som var goooood. Kaker og te, det er min fortè disse dager. Blitt gammel, jeg. Fikk jo Monchita til å se etter grå hår forrige uke, og hun fant omtrent hundre stk. Heldigvis drar jeg til Lynx om to uker. Det skal bli godt å bli kort i håret igjen. Jeg satt og leste en Teen Wolf fan fiction på morgenkvisten i dag fordi jeg var helt oppslukt. Det er den første fan fiction som virkelig har påvirket meg på lenge. Og jeg trengte virkelig å lese noe som jeg faktisk kommer til å huske. Det var faktisk like spennende som å se på Teen Wolf, og nå har jeg lest ferdig, selv om jeg ikke ønsket at det noengang skulle ende. Jeg dro med meg Marble til favoritt bokhandelen min i dag. Vi drømte oss bort i reiseseksjonen, Marble ble stående og lese på en bok om intuisjon, mens jeg ble stående og se på veggen fylt med fine notatbøker. I utgangspunktet ville jeg se etter en bok, men vi skulle rekke toget, hvilket jeg noen ganger føler er mottoet mitt "må rekke toget". Til tross for at jeg skal jobbe i helgen, behøver jeg ikke å stresse særlig, fordi jeg er ferdig med praksis og eksamen! Hurra for meg, hurra for min belieber venn, og hurra for Monchita. 

They say it's easy to leave you behind. I don't want to try

"Jeg tror vi har vært bra for hverandre," sa jeg til Aggy da vi sa farvel. Mer ofte enn ei har jeg blitt veldig knyttet til medstudenten(e) min(e) i praksis. Aggy er en av disse. I starten av desember fikk jeg en innkommende telefonsamtale. Instinktet mitt sa at jeg skulle ta telefonen, at det ikke var en telefonselger. Det er ikke ofte jeg hører på magefølelsen, fordi jeg er dårlig på det. Men jeg gjorde det denne gangen, og det viste seg å være min (da) kommende medstudent. Hun ville bare introdusere seg for meg, og vi pratet i underkant av fem minutter, hvilket er fire minutter lenger enn jeg vanligvis prater i telefonen. Jeg lagret nummeret hennes som "Aggy?" på telefonen. I dag sa hun til meg: "du må huske at du er smart, og du er flink, og du er mye mer reflektert enn andre 21-åringer".  Det minte meg om The Help, der Aibileen sier "You is kind. You is smart. You is important" fordi Aggy sa det til meg som om jeg var barnet, og hun var moren. I realiteten så er jo hun mor, og jeg egentlig et barn. "Jeg skal ikke gråte," sa hun i det hun gav meg den fjerde klemmen. Noen ganger i livet møter man mennesker som man kanskje bare er ment til å ha i livet i en kort periode. Men det betyr ikke at det ikke er en viktig periode. Jeg tror at Aggy var viktig for meg, og jeg for henne. Det er nok mer enn Aggy som ligger til årsak, men jeg har følt meg bedre denne praksisperioden, lettere. Kanskje jeg har vært snillere mot meg selv, kanskje jeg faktisk har hørt på nyttårsforsettet mitt. I dag hadde jeg min siste praksisdag, sluttevaluering i tillegg til avslutning med min praksisgruppe og lærer. Så det ble emosjonelt, og jeg ble overrasket da jeg nesten brast i gråt grunnet at læreren min sa fine ord til en medstudent. Jeg kunne faktisk ikke hatt en flottere praksisgruppe eller lærer. "Vi er så forskjellige alle sammen, kanskje det er derfor vi går så fint sammen," sa en medstudent. Jeg har fått mer komplimenter på en dag, enn jeg normalt klarer. Men jeg sa til meg selv: dette må du ta inn, ikke ignorer det. Og jeg tror det fungerte. Andre ting som har hendt, er at jeg nesten er overbevist over at jeg har fått HIV i dag, hvilket Kiwi gitt meg gode motargumenter for. Det er merkelig hvordan du kan bestemme deg for noe, og virkelig tro på det. Får vel forsøke å få en legetime igjen. Det er en liten nedtur, da jeg håpet på at denne uken skulle være slutten på så mange tanker i hodet. Men slik er livet. Siste praksis i spl. bachelorutdanningen min er bestått. Morgendagen venter en eksamen på meg, og det blir spennende å se hvor lenge jeg holder ut med tanke på det lille jeg har lest. Adjø, god natt. 

you were skipping and laughing eyes at the bedroom door

a group of pals sitting around a table sharing glasses of wine and stories they never thought they'd tell anyone. lying in the grass, staring at the clouds forming strange shapes. wandering around the museum, looking at the different paintings. taking the train to somewhere new to explore. laughing at nothing. falling in love with a song at 3 am. wading into the water on a hot summer day. crying at sad movies. reading a new book. discovering the interesting layers of yourself. walking barefoot in grass. staring at people walking by through the window at the cafe. become infatuated with someone.

I thought that distancing myself from the blog for a few days would make me revise harder, but it appears it didn't help much. I've never shown up on a test this unprepared, but I'm lucky enough that I don't have to care. It's officially two days left of "praksis", and soon this week will be over, and I'll have much less to think of. I might get to read a proper book without feeling as guilty. Life is so, so strange, and it feels like I've not seen my friends in months. It's soon coming to an end, and I'll graduate. Though I'm so done with school, I'll always look back at it with a smile, I think. Because the past three years have been wonderful. Chris Martin sings "no one ever said it would be so hard" in The Scientist. And though I'm pretty sure he's singing about a relationship and love, I think it applies for life as well. I've got the evening shift at "praksis" today, and hopefully it'll be a good shift. 

I dreamed you dreamed of me, calling out my name

I've taken my D-vitamins, and after an emotional turmoil this weekend, things are finally looking up. You know, the same "ah, I'm soon done with a degree and I still feel like a child, what am I supposed to do with my life" dilemma. But strangely, a lot of "everybody has those kind of days" videos have popped up on my Youtube right as I needed them. So that's good. And it's nice to have a reminder that it's not just me. I just think I need to finish my degree now, so I can have some time off from thinking about school. It feels like spring outside, with the sun shining in my face. And I've finally made a "spring 2015" folder for my pictures, so now it's official for me. It might snow one of these days, but I just can't find it in me to care. I watched two movies this weekend, which is more than I've done in a while. Both of them were based on books. "Now Is Good" was the first one, and I can remember watching the trailer for it and thinking "I'd like to see that, or read the book". To be honest, I found it disappointing because I don't think the cast were very well chosen. It's just that the dynamic between the actors seemed a bit strange, and whoever was in charge of the costumes? Seriously? I mean, I actually really like Dakota Fanning. However, I thought she sucked at being a brit. There's just nothing in her ways of being, or appearance-wise that tells me that she's British. Regardless of the acting, I did cry until my face was covered in tears. The other movie I watched yesterday, and it's called "Love, Rosie". The thing is, I've heard about it before, but it wasn't until yesterday that I watched the trailer. And halfway through, I yelled: "what the hell?". Because I recognised the plot, as it seems to be based on Over The Rainbow by Cecelia Ahern. It's one of my favourite books of her, and I've reread it so many times because it's so nice. I knew before I watched the movie, that I'd be disappointed. I knew because I'd want the exact content of the book to be turned into a film. But it's really long, and the content suits more to a soap opera than a movie. But it was still nice to watch it, and now I really want to reread it. I am most likely not going to do any revising today, and I can't see how I can motivate myself to do much this last week. But I'm still determined to take my exam, regardless of how prepared I'll be. I just need this week to be over already, though I know I'm supposed to appreciate each second of the day, because you never know when it's going to end. However, I know that once I'm done with this week, I'll feel less weighed down. Instead of revising, I think I'm going to read for a bit. An actual book this time, because it's been a long while since I've read something or watched something that's really affected me. And I really miss that feeling. 

your lipstick stain is a work of art

Pølser og sjokolade (og kanskje Cheez doodles) er det som vil ta knekken på meg. Men den gang jeg er innlagt for koronarsykdom, vil jeg kunne se tilbake og huske mine gode minner med pølser, sjokolade og Cheez doodles. Det skal jo sies at jeg spiser disse "matvarene" relativt sjeldent. Skulle faktisk trodd at det var slutten på kjærlighetsforholdet mellom meg og sjokolade. Men vet at det sikkert aldri kommer til å ta slutt. Du vet, kjærlighet er mer enn forelskelse (Ormåsen, 2006). Praksis i dag var bra, men slitsomt. Jeg hadde mer ansvar enn jeg er vandt til, og jeg gjorde en god gjerning! I dag lagde jeg meg en ganske sunn middag som inneholdt kyllinglår, byggrynris, babyspinat, cherry tomater og agurk. Deretter spiste jeg en yoghurt med frukt, hvilket er min favoritt dessert for tiden. Gikk fra middag til en kort pause, før jeg gav et forsøk på "Tighten and tone" treningsrutinen til Ellie Goulding. Om ikke pølser, sjokolade eller Cheez doodles tar knekken på meg, så er det denne rutinen. Burpees og jeg, vi er ikke særlig gode venner. Men det kommer seg sikkert med tiden, slik all trening gjør. Brukte sikkert en time på å se på treningstøy i går. Akkurat nå er tankegangen min at jeg kan gå i Nike for alltid. Den tankegangen vil nok endre seg i morgen, eller før. Er ganske fristet til å dra på senteret i morgen for å se på treningstøy-- hvem vet. Jeg har takket ja til å jobbe neste helg, hvilket betyr at jeg har ingen fridager neste uke. Jeg innså ikke det før jeg satte meg ned og så på timeplanen min. Nå er jeg egentlig nødt til å lese til eksamen, men det ser ut som om jeg ikke kommer til å gjøre det i kveld. Før jeg går, vil jeg at dere skal klikke på denne linken. Jeg så bildet på Tumblr, og mitt første spørsmål var: "hva skjedde der som førte til at hun måtte bli hentet av ambulanse?". Ble veldig overrasket da jeg leste den ene setningen under bildet. Det viser det at ting ikke alltid er slik som de ser ut til. Jeg ble faktisk veldig rørt, merkelig nok, og jeg tror det er fordi at jeg tenkte at det er de små tingene som gjelder. Fra pølser til følelser, nå må jeg gå. 

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart. But your blade—it might be too sharp. I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard.

Jeg er visst i en fase der jeg foretrekker å skrive på norsk. Tror det skyldes at jeg leser så mye engelsk, men hvem vet hvor lenge det varer. Det var sol i går, og det er sol i dag. Og som en person som blir veldig påvirket av været, er jeg nesten ekstatisk. Jeg lengter etter vår og sommer. Lengter visst etter veldig mye nå, blant annet en hårklipp og et besøk til Lynx og co. Tror det blir i nærmeste tiden når jeg tenker over det. I går sendte jeg en litt irritert snap til Lynx, hvilket jeg fikk dårlig samvittighet over nesten øyeblikkelig etter. Jeg synes at det er kjempe fint at folk rundt meg spør om råd rundt helse, men veldig ofte tror folk at jeg kan diagnostisere. Det er en legeoppgave, og som oftest vil en diagnose kreve undersøkelser i tillegg til klinikken. Så en snap med et bilde av noe sier meg veldig lite. Tror Lynx forstod at jeg var irritert, for hun fikk ingen emoji's. I dag har jeg kveldsvakt i praksis, også har jeg dagvakt i morgen. Det er min favorittkombinasjon av vakter ettersom det føles ut som om helgen kommer raskere. Må riktignok innrømme at det føles ut som om jeg nettopp hadde helg. Denne helgen skal jeg forhåpentligvis være veldig produktiv og lese til eksamen. For det har seg slik at de siste tre helgene har jeg faktisk bare vært med venner. Det er like viktig synes jeg. Har hørt på britisk radio i dag også, og det har vært veldig deilig å komme tilbake til den rutinen. Nå er det virkelig en nedtelling til praksis er over, og jeg har mer fritid enn jeg kanskje noengang vil ha på leeeeeenge. Gleder meg til å sette meg ned på Tjuvholmen og nyte bølgene i fint vær. Jeg tror det faktisk er favorittstedet mitt i Oslo. Etter yogarutinen i går, oppdaget jeg at Ellie Goulding har en egen rutine, hvilket egentlig ikke burde vært en overraskelse for meg ettersom hun er veldig opptatt av trening. Men det fikk meg til å ville trene mer, hvilket jeg i en annen situasjon ville ha gjort. Det var bare at jeg trente så sent i går at jeg ikke ønsket å trene lenger enn jeg måtte. Men jeg skal absolutt prøve det i morgen. Nå fikk jeg plutselig lyst på en helt ny garderobe av treningstøy. Fikk lyst på en joggebukse. Vel, dette er gode nyheter: jeg har lyst til å trene! Tror kanskje at det fine været har gjort meg inspirert. Nå skal jeg lese litt til eksamen før jeg gjør meg klar for kveldsvakt. God onsdag! 

I'll let you set the pace 'cause I'm not thinking straight

Det er en lengsel i meg som lengter til grønne enger, ølglass og menn med skjegg. Jeg organiserte endelig bildene mine på lørdag da jeg var hos Oyster. Jeg blir alltid glad av å se på bilder, men jeg kjenner jeg lengter etter sommer og eventyr. Ah. Satt og hørte på britisk radio, og de spilte Gust of Wind av Pharrell. Og i et øyeblikk der, satt jeg og tenkte: "herregud, denne sangen har jeg faktisk hørt live". Livet er liksom så merkelig, og jeg har gjort mange ting jeg aldri hadde trodd jeg ville gjøre da jeg var 10. Jeg har blitt hektet på Love Me Like You Do av Ellie Goulding selv om jeg har forsøkt å unngå alt assosiert med 50 Shades. Jeg hadde faktisk ikke hørt sangen før lørdag formiddag, da jeg så en rekke modeller gå ned catwalken i brudekjoler til Love Me Like You Do. Inntil den tid hadde jeg bare hørt noen cover av sangen. Den er imidlertid ganske repeterende, og jeg tror at jeg raskt vil gå lei. Skirennet på søndag er muligens det artigste jeg har sett hele sesongen. Det var som å se på meg forsøke å stå på langrenn opp en bratt bakke, fremfor å se på profesjonelle langrennsløpere. Northug var rå og viste at han er uforutsigbar. Hadde faktisk forkastet ideen om at han ville få en medalje i det hele tatt, men der viste han meg at jeg hadde feil. Praksis på mandag var veldig bra, og jeg krysser fingrene for at resten av uka vil bli likedan, men det er ganske usannsynlig. Men i det jeg gikk fra praksis, innså jeg at jeg hadde en liten hodepine. Den fortsatte da jeg kom hjem, til tross for den flotte dagen! Brukte masse tid i sofaen og i sengen for å slappe av i håp om at hodepinen ville gå bort av seg selv. Det er som oftest min strategi: håper på at det blir bedre. I dag har jeg gjort den yoga-rutinen vi (jeg, Oyster og Mars) halvveis fullførte på søndag. Det viser seg at de siste 15 minuttene av rutinen er ganske greie, fremfor de 30 første. Jeg får se hvordan lårene mine kjennes i morgen. I dusjen (hvor jeg tydeligvis filosoferer en del), kom jeg på at jeg ikke har sjekket min andre mail på en lang stund. Fikk litt panikk da jeg så alle mailene, og at jeg fikk en mail av sjefen forrige uke! Fra og med i morgen har jeg 9 dager igjen for å lese til eksamen som jeg er ganske sikker blir en mer gjette-meg-frem-til-svarene-eksamen enn noe annet. Det er sånn det blir når jeg verken har motivasjon eller energi til lesing. Men jeg har bestemt meg for at jeg skal være flink disse siste dagene. Jeg har kun 6 vakter igjen i praksis, og jeg kunne nesten grått for hvor lenge jeg har vært i praksis. En medisinstudent spurte meg: "hvor lenge skal du være her?". "Jeg har vært her i åtte uker nå, men skal være her i 10 uker totalt". "10 UKER?!". Ja, tenk deg det. 

every inch of your skin is a holy grail

Helgen ble ikke så fullt så rolig som jeg i utgangspunktet hadde tenkt meg. På fredag fikk jeg meg endelig en legetime. På venteværeselet, satt jeg noenlunde utålmodig og ventet på å bli ropt opp. Det er merkelig å være på pasientsiden, da jeg er så vant til å være på den andre siden. "Beklager for ventetiden," sa legen min da jeg omsider fikk komme inn. "Nei, jeg skjønner det godt," sa jeg da. For det er jo sannheten. Jeg kjenner jo godt til at det blir ventetid for pasienter. Vi slo av en prat som lignet mer et par gamle venner fremfor en lege og pasient. Jeg fikk tatt blodprøver, og han rekvirerte en rekke prøver som han syntes var lure å ta. Nå venter jeg bare spent på labsvarene. Og ja, jeg etterspurte labsvar i stedet for et skriv som sier: "du har gode verdier, men bør ta D-vitamin tilskudd". Etter jeg var ferdig hos legen, dro jeg innom matbutikken der jeg ofte hang i barndommen. Da jeg innså at jeg måtte vente lenge på bussen, ringte jeg pappa som hentet meg. Jeg var ute av huset rundt 12-tiden, etter å ha ordnet alt jeg var nødt til å ordne. Gikk igjennom Karl Johan for å finne et nytt fotoalbum og nye penner fra Muji. Dessverre har Muji sluttet å produsere favoritt gel-pennene mine i svart. Merkelig nok, har de gel-pennene i alle andre farger, og jeg endte opp med en blå penn. Dro innom biblioteket på skolen min og fant bøker som både er relevant for praksis nå, og for bachelor senere. Innen den tid, var klokken allerede rundt 14:00, og jeg bestemte meg for å dra rett til min belieber friend. Jeg kom rett inn til vm-stafett for menn, og vi satt anspent for å se hvem som ville vinne. Jeg sa relativt tidlig at Norge ville vinne. Og det gjorde de jo. Min belieber friend og jeg dro for å kjøpe pølser, mens Darren ble hjemme for å gjøre skolearbeid. Pølse-shopping ble utvidet til en tur innom en photobooth, interiør-shopping og veske-titting. Da vi endelig kom tilbake, startet min belieber friend matlagingen. Nok engang fikk jeg alt servert på et fat, og jeg endte opp med fire wienerpølser. Og sjokoladekake. Og Cheeze doodles. Vi spilte litt Mario på Wii, og vi innså nok engang at vi ikke duger for spillet. Men det tok lang tid før vi avsluttet. Jeg dro hjem litt før elleve-tiden, etter at vi hadde fikset billetter til bryllupsmesse på lørdagen. Jeg var hjemme rundt midnatt, og sovnet ikke så lenge etter. Våknet 8:30, og var tilbake i byen 10:40. Min belieber friend og jeg gikk for å stå i kø, der vi brukte en tid på å gjespe og vente. Man bruker overraskende mye tid på å vente i livet. Da vi kom inn, gikk vi igjennom trange lokaler og dro med oss en rekke kataloger og businesscards. Selve showet var som en parodi på et mote-show, men vi fikk se en rekke fine bryllupskjoler. Klokken var rundt 13:30 da vi endelig kom oss ut av lokalene, og vi gikk for å utforske den nye Østbanehallen. Vi forlot hverandre rundt 14:30, og jeg var hjemme litt etter 15:00. Rakk å spise og pakke før ferden gikk videre til matbutikken, der jeg møtte Oyster. Vi kjøpte inn ingredienser til baksten, og gikk hjem til hennes nye hus. Jeg har riktignok sett det nye huset opptil flere ganger, men jeg hadde ikke sett det etter det var helt ferdig, og etter de flyttet inn. Litt etter hvert, ble huset fylt med flere folk, og det gav en veldig koselig atmosfære. Jeg og Oyster spiste kveldsmat på kjøkkenet, mens de andre satt i spisestuen. Vi fikk pratet litt om pågående ting i livet, før vi satte inn kanelbollene i ovnen. Kvelden ble brukt på å spise boller, prate, spille kort og andre spill. Innen klokken var 22:00, var jeg så utmattet at jeg kunne ha sovnet. Imidlertid endte jeg ikke opp med å legge meg før 1:00, og da følte jeg som om klokken var 4:00. Jeg stod opp rundt 10:00-tiden, og fikk nok engang maten servert på et fat. Vi endte opp med å gjøre en ny yoga-rutine via Nike Training appen min som jeg har hatt lyst til å prøve ut lenge. Jeg har bare aldri prioritert tid til det før i dag da jeg fikk med meg Oyster og Mars. Vi måtte imidlertid avbryte rutinen midt i, da vi alle var slitne. Det skal riktignok sies at det er "advanced" yoga, og ikke nybegynner-yoga. Jeg kom hjem for et par timer siden; har ryddet rommet mitt og ser på 5-mila i dette øyeblikk. Forhåpentligvis blir jeg ferdig med mitt siste skolearbeid i hensyn til praksisperioden min i dag. I tillegg skal jeg lese ferdig en bacheloroppgave, trene og dusje. Det er mars, og det er to uker igjen av praksisperioden min. Det er to uker til eksamen, og det er to uker til jeg ikke lenger trenger å tenke på så mange ting om gangen. Det skal bli deilig.