lift your hands and voices, free your mind and join us

Hello! I'm back home, and the last 24 hours have been really nice. The stars were really bright last night, which is why I was staring at them whilst walking to the bus stop. It's admittedly not the safest thing to do, but one of my favourite activities. As Kiwi nicely put it, we started the night acting like proper adults, and then slowly progressed into children. Marble made us some lasagne, and Kiwi helped out with the salad. And I, er, I cut the bread. The meal was heavenly, and we all ate loads. We also had some wine with it, and watched The Voice. And wow, apparently I should start watching The Voice for real, because all the contestants chooses songs that are my favourites. It was uncanny, how almost everyone sang songs that I love. Anyway, we ate dinner, drank wine, and watched the news-- which is why we felt a bit like proper adults. And then we put on "old school" music and had a dance party. Like teenagers. And then when we were tired of listening to Britney's fake "British" accent in Work Bitch (can someone please tell me why she's opted to do such an awful accent?), we decided to play a board game, which is when we progressed into children. Kiwi nearly fell asleep, and none of us were really any closer to winning the board game than when we started the game an hour before, so we decided to call quits. Instead we played another game, which was a lot more amusing. In between the rounds we went ahead and had some cake and tea. In the end, Marble and Kiwi were too tired to continue the game. Whereas I felt completely awake, although I could sense that I was tired. You know when you feel awake, but you know the second you fall into bed, you'll be knocked out? I had that feeling yesterday, so when Marble asked if I wanted to watch a film, I declined. Instead we somehow decided to rearrange the DVD's after my complaints of them being illogically placed. Mind you, this was about 4-5 am in the morning, and we were sat there stacking DVD's. Kiwi came to sit beside us and looked a bit like she would pass out soon. Which reminds me; Kiwi laughed at herself because she had apparently gone on her mobile to see if I'd written a new blogpost, and then she realised I hadn't because obviously, I was there with them. I told her that I find it so odd that they read my blog, because I kind of forget that people do. Like, the other day when the kilo-gang were at the cafe, I saw my blog on Sugar's mobile, and it was maybe the weirdest sight ever. Like huh, that is my blog. Right. This made me wonder out loud if Kiwi didn't find it odd with me writing about her in my blog. And she shrugged and said no, so I elaborated, telling her that it's almost like I'm writing a fanfiction about her, isn't it? Anyway, we went to bed at 5:30 am according to Marble. And it was so nice to fall into the bed. And for once I slept in, and Marble woke up early. Kiwi and I woke up at 12:30, and then joined Marble at the couch to watch some telly before we had breakfast. I didn't leave Marble's house before 4:30 pm, and I somehow managed to come home at the best time, because mum had just finished making the dinner. Oh, I just remembered; Marble can't join us to the Kodaline concert, because all the tickets are shockingly gone. It's shockingly, because I didn't realise they were that popular? It's a bit sad, because Marble actually really wanted to come along. And I get that it sucks. Right now I'm eating a bit of chocolate, since it's Saturday, and then I'm going to spend today doing some school work. Or, well, hopefully, because I want to get an early start. Also, I'm like, almost a bit stressed about having so much time off? It's like, ever since "praksis" ended, I've felt like I have so much spare time, and nothing to do. And I'm not used to it, not used to not sitting and reading school curriculum like a crazed student. So I feel a bit stressed, because it feels like I'm supposed to do something all the time, and that I should be reading now. It's just all really odd. Oh well, have a nice evening.

I spend most time writing at nights, whatever it may be I'm writing. I've always wondered why, wondered if that's when ideas pops into my head. But I realised last night, that it's because at night I'm too tired to alter the truth. It shouldn't be a surprise to me, because you'll get most honesty out of people when they're too tired of holding it in by themselves, when they let their walls down. 

a million choices, though little on their own, became the heirloom of the heaviness we've known

It snowed today! I ran downstairs to tell my dad, and he was like yeah, saw it. And I was like but oh my god, it's so exciting! To celebrate, I've now made a new folder for my pictures, called "winter 2013". Very creative. I think I woke up quite late today, which was nice. And then I had the house for myself, and made myself some nice breakfast, brought it out in the living room-- and then I was just getting some juice from the kitchen. And here's the thing, I was listening to music with earbuds in, and so when my dad opened the kitchen door simultaneously as I was walking out the door, I was so startled. Which resulted in me jumping, which caused my juice to overflow the glass and all over me and the floor. Just my luck, in other words. I'm really easy to startle, think I'm just naturally jump-y. Anyway, got to my school at 2:00 pm to meet Kiwi and Sugar. We were there for almost two hours before we went to the cafe across the street from our school to meet up with my belieber friend. It was really nice to hang with everyone again. And just chat, and being ridiculous and laugh, and just being together. It's a bit sappy, but the kilo-gang is an assortment of some of my favourite people, so you know, always good to spend time with them. Also, after spending so much time with the same people in a group, it will form some kind of group dynamic. Which makes it apparent when someone's gone. It's really odd is what it is. Kiwi and my belieber friend did jokingly (?) say that they think I live a double life. Also, it appears that no one believes me when I say that I don't think about getting a boyfriend 24/7. I'm not quite sure what vibes I am giving, if that's what they are thinking. But then I don't really know how their minds are. Anyway, I managed to finish two birthday cards yesterday, which I'm really proud of, because I felt really productive yesterday. I've just not actually written both of the cards yet. I'm going to write the card for Lynx, because her birthday is in a few days. Tomorrow I'm most probably going to have a girls night in with Marble and Kiwi. And then the day after I think we're going to attend a little concert. Basically, I think it's going to be a good few days. I think it's important, you know, to fill your days with the people that makes you happy. It's not always I have this much spare time, most of the time I'm studying, so when I do have spare time, I try to make the best out of it. Try to do all the things I think of doing when I don't have the time. Also, I'm going to leave you with a quote which I think is correct and lovely. I know I've felt the same way thousands of times. But you have to start somewhere. 

"Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready."

we will let the water fill our lungs and sleep

One of my favourite things to do, is to write nice anonymous messages to people on Tumblr. I mean, it takes very little to put a smile on someone's face, so why not? And if you want to analyse this doing-- it's sort of an egoistic act, because although the ulterior motive is to make someone feel nice, I feel nice about myself by doing it as well. These are the things we don't really think about. Like, when you donate things, give money, etc. You get "something" in return in the form of a feeling. And believe it or not, but a feeling can be more than something material sometimes. Is this too deep shit? Probably. Anyway, the presentation went well today, not that I thought it would be horrible. I just get really nervous about presentations these days. Just because I've not had a proper presentation with a power point and a script since "high school". And that's ages ago. Honestly, I was thinking about being 17 yesterday, and I was thinking "it's not that long ago, feels like yesterday", when it's really three years ago. I'm really growing old, aren't I? Back to the point, I felt really awful yesterday because I had to prepare to the presentation, and whenever I think of actually having a presentation, my stomach becomes uneasy and my heartbeat picks up on speed. Plus Faye wasn't feeling to well yesterday. It's not my case to say, but you know, sometimes your friends feel awful, and you feel so bad about it yourself. And my problem is that I don't know how to console people. It's just, I don't know what to say or do, and then it's just silence. All these feelings were the reason why I read that fan fiction yesterday, and as I had predicted it made me really sob. Just the description of the story made me sad. Anyway, everything went well today, and I found myself sort of wishing that Faye and I was in the other study group we spent so much time with during "praksis". It's just that I remember feeling like everyone had known each other forever, and now in the new study group, everyone's so damn silent. Maybe it's just a process. Give it a little time. I do tend to get attached to people outside my own study group, ha. Oh well. I've decided to dedicate the day to make cards. Like, for birthdays and other events coming up. The picture is of the latest card I made for Volla, who just had her birthday. And then hopefully I'll go to bed early, because I need to catch up on some sleep. Tomorrow is probably (hopefully) spent with the whole kilo-gang for once. In like, ever. And when I say "ever", I genuinely do mean it. I think it might have been almost two months since we've all been gathered for real? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. It's really cold out today. Maybe the snow will make an appearance soon. Right, have a nice Wednesday!

I hope it made you feel good, knowing how much I adored you

I don’t know why infidelity is such a touchy subject to me. As far as I'm aware, I've never experienced or known anyone who’s experienced it. On like a serious level, that is. I don’t think I was even aware of how much of a touchy subject it is to me, until I read this fan fiction I read just now. And I've somehow just realised why Daughter’s songs pierces through me as well. I think the thing is- I like solutions. Does that make sense? Whenever I stumble upon a problem, I’d rather find the solution than mope. With infidelity I don’t know. Do you choose to leave or stay if someone cheats on you? To me it almost stays unsolvable. Course, if the guy is a jerk, then there's no question. But what if it's the guy you've been with for eight years, and he's the one. And you know each other's quirks twists, and the amounts of freckles, and how he looks when he's lying to his parents. And after everything, you still love him. Society says you should go, he’s not worth it. Respect yourself, don't go back to him! But you still love him, and you feel so ashamed for it. And you hate him for what he’s done, for what he’s ruined, and you want to kill him. But not really, because you love him, but you’re so angry. But you still want him to dry your tears and cuddle you, and even after you've kicked him out of your house, everything reminds you of him. I just—I don’t know. If someone were to ask me about infidelity, asked me what I’d do, then I don’t think I could answer. No one can really, I don’t think one single person can wholeheartedly say “I would leave” before experiencing it. Did she make your heart beat faster than I could? Did she give you what you hoped for?