and if the night is burning I will cover my eyes

Morning! I was awoken by my bladder at 6:30 am. Thought it was 8:00 am, because my camera said so. And why was I fiddling with my camera? I was trying to take a good shot of the different sources of light outside my window. I tried falling asleep again, but it didn't work, obviously. And when I looked at my phone, I was surprised to see that it was so early. I had plans to sleep forever, after a really exhausting week. One of the staff at my "praksis" said it's the body who says when it's full stop, not the mind. The mind just carries on. And I think that happened to me yesterday. I did walk to my "praksis" as planned, and it was a nice excuse to put on my wellies and raincoat and trudge out in the rain. The childish satisfaction of stepping into a puddle of water when you're wearing wellies-- I don't know if I'll ever lose that. It took me shorter than expected, which means I had to slow down unless I wanted to show up almost an hour early. I panicked a little yesterday morning, when I patted down my pockets and couldn't find the key to my wardrobe. I crossed my fingers I'd find it again, and I was relived to see that it was in the locker in the wardrobe. Was it yesterday, or the day before? Anyway, one morning the staff were talking about how a sixty year old woman had just had her first child. And then they all started joking around that they should try getting pregnant now, seeing as some of the staff are 60. It was hilarious, and it made me think that I'll miss it. I'll miss being in a conversation with people double and triple my age, and I'll miss having my nurse supervisor, and I'll miss the banter. On Fridays we have a gathered lunch with all the staff and patients, and it was nice, because all the people who had been responsible for the cooking was gathered at one place. We had a lovely chat, and then a quiz. And as per usual I couldn't answer one question. A week ago I asked the physiotherapist about mindfulness. And I'd forgotten until she asked me yesterday if I still wanted to know more about it. I nodded, ever so eager to learn more. I followed her into the office, and she asked me to lie down, and I laughed nervously. "I actually feel really nervous, like I'm a patient of yours". She taught me some breathing exercises and told me about mindfulness, before Sally came knocking on the door, and popped her head in: "I heard you were talking about mindfulness". So the physiotherapist did the same thing with Sally, asked her to lie down. And basically, we got a little mini lecture about mindfulness and the use of breathing techniques. It was very nice-- most of the staff have been so welcoming, and so nice. Anyway, after that I sat down with a new patient, who I'd greeted on Thursday. She looked a bit miserable, and she told me she'd felt a bit lonely and wanted to have a chat. So that's what I did. I sat with her for one and a half hour, actually. With some intruders once in awhile, ha. Sally came to join us, before she left. And then there was some other staff too. I figured she needed a good ol' chat with a pal, just like you do. It's hard, because sometimes we get so absorbed by the illnesses, that we don't focus on what's healthy with the person. She said "this was cosy" after I'd chatted with her for awhile, and then she asked if it was my last day. I felt slightly bad when I said yes, because I'd created a good relation between us. But I hope I made her day a bit better. Oh that's a thing that hit me the other day-- I was just listening to a conversation after we had our usual meetings, and it hit me that I was right to choose to become a nurse. Because I remember back in high school and I'd sit there and look at one of my teachers, and think "I want to help people, like she's done". And I can't actually think of a job that would give as much as I will when being a nurse. It was such a nice relief, this revelation, because I've always doubted my choice. We've met with so many opportunities nowadays, it's hard to know whether you're doing the right thing. Anyway, I also realised during my final assessment on Wednesday, that I've learned helluva lot during these last eight weeks. I was just sat there with one of my supervisors and my teacher, and we had a conversation with all these terms I wouldn't have understood back in January. My teacher said "you've achieved more than what was expected". I was delighted to hear that, as I have been working my arse off to reach the expectations. Allie, Sally and I have spent ages talking about the goals the school has presented to us for our "praksis". So it was very nice to hear that I'd exceeded the expectations. Sally left before me yesterday, because she was allowed. I would have been to, but I wanted to wait for my nurse supervisor. She had the evening shift yesterday, so I waited for her to come. And then I said my goodbyes to her, had a hug. And then I basically got a hug from everyone else in the room. I got a proper hug from one of Sally's supervisors too, and well, I do love a proper hug. Another chapter of my life is over, I guess. Always bitter sweet, and now it's back to school on Monday. When I walked home yesterday, the wind had picked up, and halfway my blood sugar had dropped, and I was so tired. If I wasn't so tired, I would have laughed at myself, because it genuinely felt like I was walking in a desert without any water. I had to chant for myself "I'm almost home, I'm almost home". Because I was honestly so tired, I wanted to sit down on the cold and wet ground and try to regenerate some energy. And that's how I know I was exhausted, that's how I know that "praksis" have actually tired me out properly. When I got home, I was so happy. And I sat down to eat all the things I had been imagining to eat whilst walking home, before I plopped down on my bed and under the duvet. I texted my sister to ask if she was at the mall, and if she could buy me chocolate and chocolate crackers. She did, which I was really grateful for. I fell asleep around 10:45 pm yesterday, and now I'm here. And it's sunny like I wished for yesterday. I've been reading obituaries and it reminds me to not take life for granted. I don't usually read obituaries, but it was in the nursing magazine, which I'm trying to finish reading now. I got a new one, this week, and I had yet to read the previous one. And I've been making an effort to read those bloody magazines, because I pay money for them, and because there's actually a lot of important things in them. I've not made any specific plans for the day, other than to relax a bit. I have to enjoy that "praksis" is over, before everything starts up again. I'm probably going to set a few goals for the day later. But for now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and continue reading my magazines. Have a nice Saturday xx. 

And if you were to ask me after all that we’ve been through- "still believe in magic?" Yes, I do. Oh, yes I do.

I think congratulations are in order. Happy birthday to Darren. Congratulations to all my friends with new jobs. And congratulations for whatever made you feel accomplished today. Today was a good day, though I almost fell asleep during a little lecture we had at "praksis". I fought so hard to keep my eyes open, which means my eyes looked really crazy because I was trying to keep them in activity, so they wouldn't shut. I did jokingly think of doing a Mr. Bean. Anyway, Sally and I bought flowers and chocolate for the people at my "praksis" because they've been so lovely with us. They were all very glad when I presented the flowers, and had a little speech. I think Sally planned it all along, that she'd just sit down and eat her lunch, while I'd get to hover awkwardly by the door. "Hear, hear!" I said, in which everyone started laughing. Me included, of course. There were even more noise when I presented chocolate, though. Ha, that is definitely something I have understanding for. My bus card only lasted until today, and I figured I'd take the opportunity to make myself walk to my "praksis". I feel like I've been so lazy these past weeks, so it'll be good. My goodness, I am loving the new Coldplay tune. Magic has been on replay. Ace, I am so glad I was tuning in to listen to Grimmy at his breakfast show (erm, the radio) Monday morning. I was also surprised to hear that Stay High by Hippie Sabotage was getting hype. I was really obsessed with the song back in December, and I'm glad it's getting recognition. I am always happy when my favourite tunes are getting recognition. When I went on Twitter today, I did a double take, because did I see Kodaline and Harry Styles in the same tweet? Oh yes. Apparently they were in the studio, writing a song? To be fair, I sort of shouted "what the hell", and then proceeded to bang my head on my bed because I was sat on the floor. I started wondering if I was jealous, and in that case: of which person am I jealous? I think I am most jealous of Harry. The thing is, I first discovered Kodaline when I was browsing through videos (about a year ago now, actually), looking for songs for Kiwi. A very happy accident. This was before they released their CD. And just a bit later, Niall and his Irish pals started tweeting about Kodaline. Well, actually, it occured to me that Niall firstly tweeted about them in January. Which-- why had I not looked them up before? Oh well. Anyway, then their CD was out in June, and I listened to it on repeat throughout summer. And then we found out that they were having a gig in Norway. And we bought tickets, and I was counting down the days. And then it was cancelled, and now I'm never going to get to see them perform the songs from In A Perfect World. And I had sort of started to forget about it, until Harry started going to their concerts. And then a person I follow on Tumblr, and then Nicole Scherzinger, and who doesn't go to a Kodaline concert these days? It's just that I really want Kodaline to bring their arses back here and do a gig. Blahrgh. I'm going to go now, off to bed and everything, seeing as I was so knackered today. Tomorrow will be my last day, which is a relief, but also bitter sweet. But that's how it always goes for me. Sleep well xx. 

it's I who waits, it's you who's late again

"Det hadde ikke overrasket meg om det var jeg som havna her om noen år," sa jeg i respons om hvordan psykiatripraksis hadde påvirket mitt syn på psykiatri. Vi lever i et samfunn som krever ufattelig mye av oss som mennesker. Allie sa faktisk til meg i dag at vi blir regnet som generasjonen som fikk alt i fanget. Og med det fikk vi uttallige muligheter. Og da sier de andre generasjonene, våre foreldre og besteforeldre: "vær takknemlig, du har vært heldig". Ja, vi har vært heldig, men så sitter vi igjen med så mange muligheter, at de sikkert kunne ha fylt en hel telefonkatalog. Og samfunnet sier jo at vi skal utdanne oss. Vi skal bli suksessfulle, og vi skal reise. Vi skal bli mammer og pappaer, men samtidig skal vi være i jobb og være suksessfull på den fronten. Vi skal være flinke foreldre, barn, søsken, studenter, ansatte, etcetera. Jeg har undret meg over dette, for jeg er jo en pliktoppfyllende pike. Jeg har lært å følge normene, jeg ønsker å oppfylle de kravene og forventningene som stilles til meg av samfunnet. Men sannheten er at samfunnets krav er våre egne krav-- det er vi som har bestemt de. Og det innebærer jo at du og jeg, vi kan stoppe opp og si "hei, jeg vil ikke gjøre det jeg". Så når du føler at samfunnet sier at du skal være ditt og datt, men du ønsker noe annet-- ja, da får du gjøre det du ønsker. Vi er ikke alle sammen et A4 ark. Læreren min og veilederen min skrattlo da jeg innrømte at jeg kunne tenkt meg at jeg har en fremtid i psykiatrien som pasient. Gode refleksjoner sa de, en liten stund etterpå da de fikk tilbake pusten. Også sa læreren min: "men da må du også tenke på hva det er som gjør at du ikke er pasient i psykiatrien nå". Kanskje det er nettopp dette, mine refleksjoner over livet. Betydningen av bevisstgjøring er ikke tull.  

I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet

There are five pillows in my bed. Just thought you should know that. I don't actually use all of them, and there's usually only four. One of the things I look forward to after "praksis" is not feeling like I ought to wear make up every day. It almost feels like a unspoken rule; that you have to look well kept. Because appearance actually does mean things-- it indicates your ability to take care of yourself, and is therefore an indication of whether you are good at taking care of other people. There is of course no truth in this thread of thought. You can look like shit and still be the best nurse, or whatever you are. Although, the nurse that takes care of themselves can be better at taking care of a patient than the other nurse who doesn't look like they've washed their face for ages, and have a bad breath. It's human to draw these conclusions, but it doesn't mean we're not wrong about them. Anyway, I can't wait to not wear make up every day, because my skin is suffering, and I think my spots are beginning to look like a constellation of stars now. I think I mentioned #Scandimania on this blog earlier? Anyway, it was a three-episode documentary on some British channel (Marble would probably say of course in response to me watching British television) about the Scandinavian countries. And the last one was about Norway, which I watched yesterday. I was actually quite surprised, because I had imagined that they would just glorify Norway and the nature, and not show the real picture. But I think they did quite a good job, though it's limited what you can display in such a short time (45 minutes, maybe not that short, but it's too short to tell a country's history and whatnot). I'll probably end up watching the two first episodes too, because I actually do enjoy Scandinavia quite a lot. Wow, just heard a Dutch commercial on Youtube, and it was so confusing, trying to understand the language. I was not very productive yesterday, as expected. And I do fear I'll have a repeat today. I've already read two fan fictions this morning, if not more. I can't even keep count of them, can I? (I'm in the midst of reading one now, ha). I drank the last tea bag of the apple, cinnamon and raisin tea by Twinings this morning. So I'll have to drag myself to the shop and buy some more tomorrow. That and some chap stick. Goodness, when was the last time I went to the mall? Probably when I went with Kiwi and Marble, actually. One of the things I spent time on yesterday, was to reread some of my exams and papers. It's just that once I am done with a paper, I just shut out all the memories of it. And therefore I tend to not remember anything about them. Like when Sally asked me what I'd written about on my most recent exam. What's strange about this habit, is that when I do reread the papers, there is very little recollection of actually writing it. And it feels like reading someone else's papers. Very strange. Oh goodness, yesterday Sugar sent a bunch of snaps of chocolat-y things her sister had made. Or, well, I am jumping to the conclusion that it is her sister who made them (cake pops). I ate very little chocolate yesterday, but I wouldn't have minded a few of those. Maybe my obsession with chocolate have gone from pure chocolate to things that tastes like chocolate. Wow, the yearning for some Oreo cake is big right now. Maybe I'll make some, actually. I have a late shift tomorrow at "praksis", and my final assessment is on Wednesday. So I might be a bit absent on this blog. Anyway, have a nice Sunday. I'm going to clean my bedroom, and hopefully do something more than read fan fictions all day. 

I know that a love like this won't last forever

It is March, guys. And it's been snowing all day, basically. I decided after yesterday, when I managed to cross all the things off of my list of things to do plus another one, that I'd allow myself to sleep in. So for the first time in ages (and this time I actually mean ages, like weeks), I decided that I'd not put on an alarm. I did the stretching routine for fifteen minutes before bed. I've not actually done that for probably two or three weeks now. But it's so relaxing and makes me very sleepy. So I woke up at 8:00 am, and that might be early to you all, but it meant that I slept for ten hours, which is two more than I usually get. And therefore I felt very well rested this morning. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 am, I think. That was after I finished a fan fiction. I also let myself watch a film; The Pursuit of Happiness. I've been meaning to watch it for awhile. I have watched it before, but it's so nice, so I thought that I should watch it again. But parts of me didn't want to watch the film, because it is sort of sad. And in many ways it portraits a picture that's completely true. However, it is a very american film. In fact, it's like a portrait of what used to be called "the American dream". And I'm not such a big fan of the interpretation of "happiness", like it's a goal. It's not at all, it's a fleeting feeling, moment, if you will. And it comes now and then. It's not the end goal of your life. Nevertheless, Will Smith does such a great job in that movie. Oh goodness, I watched a video of Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore at Jimmy Fallon yesterday, and they sang a song about how they fall in love every ten years. Because they starred together as love interests in The Wedding Singer, and then 50 First Dates, and now they're starring in a new film together. And it's been approximately ten years between each movie. It was sort of sweet, and funny, and then at the end, when Adam began singing Grow Old With You, and he surprised Drew-- oh, wow. It took me by a surprise too, so I couldn't stop the waterworks. Here's the video, if you'd like to watch it. Although, it might not make much sense if you've not seen The Wedding Singer. And if you've not seen it, I am judging you. Oh dear, it looks like the snow is actually going to stay this time, whereas it's melted the second it's touched the ground the past few days. It's starting to feel a bit like Christmas, ha. I've now had some pieces of chocolate and lots of cups with tea. I wasn't too keen on chocolate, which is a strange thing for me to even write. I need to watch my eating habits, because I tend to not eat for a long while, just because I don't feel hungry. I just spoke about this with Ale, actually, and I was saying how she should try to get into a routine. And well, that applies to me as well. Volla is currently at Lynx and Grepper's today. I got a snap of her and David this morning, and it made me long for them. Ugh. On another note, I found out that 5 Seconds of Summer are supporting One Direction on their Where We Are tour. But as they did last year, 5SOS are not touring Europe. Which was not so pleasing to hear. Anyway, I should have known that today would be a lot less productive than yesterday. It's slightly disappointing, but I will allow myself that much. You can't expect things to be perfect all the time. Right now though, I am going to do a bit of school work, but I don't have any concrete plans. So that means I'll have no concrete goals, which smells of disaster. If you want to make things happen, you should always have concrete goals. Alright, I'll leave now. Have a nice Saturday, and enjoy that the weekend isn't over yet.