there's truth in the darkness we find

Det er rart, men ofte vet du ikke hva du har før det er borte. Og livet snus på hodet raskere enn du vet. Jeg ble litt tatt på sengen i dag, og fikk kjenne på nettopp dette. Det var ikke engang en realitet, men bare den hypotetiske ideen om det fikk tårene til å renne lenger enn forventet. "Dette er latterlig," sier jeg til meg selv, hikstende. Men vi er jo alle latterlige, vi mennesker, ulogiske. Kanskje derfor vi gjør så mange feil. I dag så jeg på Teen Wolf, i stuen. Og jeg er så glad! Endelig skjer det noe med alle løstrådene, de faller sammen. Det var en liten lettelse, selv om jeg venter spent på hva som skjer videre. Jeg må innrømme at jeg ble veldig overrasket og lykkelig av ulike årsaker. De siste døgnene har jeg hørt på Gabrielle Aplin stortsett hele tiden. Hun kommer med et nytt album den nærmeste fremtiden, og det høres bra ut, til tross for et stort skift. Hun har alltid vært en talentfull låtskriver. Det er litt artig, at jeg har faktisk fulgt flere artister fra Youtube til de har fått platekontrakter og virkelig kommet seg langt. Det viser seg at noen ganger så går det faktisk om man virkelig ønsker det. Solen har endelig tittet frem etter en uke med regnvær, og ironisk nok reiser jeg til et annet regnvær for helgen. God helg. I morgen skal jeg huske å spise sjokolade, da jeg stadig glemmer det vekk. 

I feel better in the morning when all my troubles lose their meaning

På mandag, forrige uken, 10 dager siden, møtte jeg opp i Oslo. Kiwi lurte på om noen befant seg i Oslo, og jeg sa nei, men at jeg kunne møte henne der. Måtte bare ordne med dåpsgave før jeg tok toget inn til byen. Hun satt i et møte, som hun trodde skulle vare i en halvtime. I stedet satt hun fortsatt i møtet da jeg ankom byen, og hun ba meg om å komme dit. Så der satt jeg, og hørte på at hun planlagte verdensreise. Etter møtet var ferdig, skiftet hun fra ballerina sko til addidas sko, og vi gikk for å finne et sted til å sette oss ned. Etter Kiwi's forslag, bestilte vi begge ingefærøl. Jeg visste ikke at det faktisk var en drikke som inneholdt alkohol, da jeg vet det er svært vanlig vanlig drikkevare i statene, nesten på linje med vanlig brus. Vi snakket om reiser, og jeg slang meg på ideen. Vi skrev en liste over steder vi kunne tenkt oss å reise, og etterspurte et nytt møte. Neste møtet var noe kronglete, vi hadde ikke snakket nok sammen, verken av oss hadde satt oss ordentlig inn i det, reisemannen var noe oppgitt. Det tredje møtet var i dag. Jeg og Kiwi møttes litt tidligere, satte oss ned for å se igjennom bøkene jeg lånte fra biblioteket i går, og drakk grønn te. I det vi gikk ut av cafeen, begynte regnet å falle. Jeg hadde gått ut fra huset i regnjakken min, mens Kiwi hadde forlatt sitt bosted i en skinnjakke. Vi ankom møtet noe sent, og ganske våte. Denne gangen var vi bestemte, visste litt mer hva vi ønsket. Vi hadde jo bestemt oss for at vi skulle booke turen i dag, så da måtte vi bestemme oss. Det morsomme er at midt i møtet, så jeg Oyster i døren. Hun hadde nevnt det for meg, da jeg stoppet innom henne denne uken, at hun tenkte på samme selskap som jeg har tatt i bruk. Hun tenker riktignok på utveksling fremfor reise, slik som jeg og Kiwi skal. Selv om jeg har kjent Kiwi i tre år, så var dette første gangen hun møtte Oyster (om jeg ikke tar feil??), og det var merkelig å se mine verdener krysse veier. Uansett, Reisemannen kom frem med forslag, og vi var enige. Vet egentlig ikke hvor lenge vi satt der inne, men booket turen fikk vi gjort! Reisemannen sa at vi gjerne kunne ta kontakt, eventuelt et nytt møte. "Virkelig? Vil du virkelig at vi skal plage deg mer?" lo jeg. Kiwi og jeg er enige at vi muligens har vært på vårt merkeligste når vi har hatt møter med ham. Og når vi er merkelige, så er vi virkelig merkelige. Men ja, vi har booket tur til Asia neste år! Jeg kan omtrent ikke tro det, og jeg må le innimellom når jeg tenker over hvor lite gjennomtenkt dette er på min side. Før i dag var verken jeg eller Kiwi klar over hvor vi skulle reise, og det viser seg at vi hadde oversett et langt dokument som Reisemannen hadde sendt på mail. Følte oss passe nok dumme da, men slik er det. Etter vi hadde booket turen, dro vi for å spise. Kiwi har hatt svært stor innflytelse på mine livsvalg den siste tiden. Om jeg ikke er forsiktig, så tar hun nok over livet mitt. Men jeg har vurdert kostholdet mitt den siste tiden, og om jeg skal innføre null-kjøtt-dag. Mitt problem har vært å finne hva jeg skal spise i såfall. Blir spennende å se om jeg faktisk gjennomfører dette. Før vi dro hjem, gikk vi innom en reisebutikk hvor Kiwi ble fascinert av absolutt alt. Hun var som et barn i en godteributikk. Kofferten min er snart ferdigpakket, og jeg er egentlig spent på morgendagen. Det er faktisk to uker siden jeg var ute på reisefot, og det føles faktisk ikke så lenge siden. Bare tenk, om et halvt år skal jeg på reisefot konstant i to måneder! Lenge leve livet, vi vet aldri hvor vi ender (gjett sangen).  

just the thought of you gets me so high

I think maybe I am attracted to blue, like, sometimes I pick up things which are blue without consciously thinking about it. I didn't use to watch television before, but now as I don't have school, no steady job, it's become a good friend of mine. (Well, at least these few days I've been lounging at home). I've been watching Ugly Betty, which is one of my favourite television shows ever. I still get a twinge of sadness when I remember it's done, but I genuinely think it's the television show with the best ending ever. Anyway, I've really been enjoying watching it again. Yesterday, as I was walking to Oyster, it was pouring rain, and I do love me some pouring rain once in awhile. It really does feel freeing, especially as the bridge to You & I was playing in my ears, and it started pouring more rain. I do love it when music has good timing. I've been listening a lot to Want To Want Me by Jason Derulo after I got home from France, because in our regular morning routine, was listening to a music channel that played the same bloody songs each morning. And Want To Want Me was one of them. I actually think I hadn't heard the song until I listened to Little Mix's cover of the song. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it certainly was mine. I finally managed to finish The Woman Who Stole My Life by Marian Keyes yesterday. It's been a fucking long journey. I bought it back in January, started on it, and left it to dust. I just couldn't get into it, is the thing. Some books you have to get through a certain amount of pages before you get into them, others are just interesting at once. "One day, sitting in traffic, married Dublin mum Stella Sweeney attempts a good deed. The resulting car crash changes her life. For she meets a man who wants her telephone number (for the insurance it turns out). That's okay. She doesn't really like him much anyway (his Range Rover totally banjaxed her car). But in this meeting is born the seed of something which will take Stella thousands of miles from her old life, turning an ordinary woman into a superstar, and, along the way, wrenching her whole family apart. Is this all because of one ill-advised act of goodwill? Was meeting Mr Range Rover destiny or karma? Should she be grateful or hopping mad? For the first time, real, honest-to-goodness happiness is just within her reach. But is Stella Sweeney, Dublin housewife, ready to grasp it?". I got the whole book wrong. I don't know if I was just little attentive (I'm guessing that's what it was), or if Keyes just fooled us all, but I didn't get what was happening until the last 20 pages which were read in a super speed at midnight last night. I will say, that though this is not my favourite of Keyes, she always manages to make me laugh. I'm not quite sure what it is, but she'll always have me giggling. Also, I'm very fond of the characters. They were absolutely delightful and confusing. I might go to the library afterwards so I can pick up some more reading. I ought to take advantage of all this spare time. 

for every sock gets a hole

Today has been such a delicious reprieve from my previous busy week. I had a lazy morning, spent my first hours lounging on the sofa with the telly on in the background as I read on my phone and drank tea. Then I finally got around to cleaning my bedroom, every dusty bits disappeared into either a cloth or the hoover. New bedsheets. I even managed to motivate myself to do a bit of exercise today, though I might have done something to a tendon. Hopefully nothing happened, but it was a reminder of the importance with warm ups before exercise. Admittedly it happened whilst I was doing a warm up, so I'm not sure how I should have prevented it. Oh well. On the airport in France, on our way home, I bought myself a magazine and a book. The book is called The Year I met You by Cecelia Ahern. I've read plenty of Ahern's books, but I realised I hadn't read her most recent ones. The summary says "The year that changed my life - For Jasmine, losing her job felt like losing everything. The year I found home - With a life built around her career and her beloved sister Heather, suddenly her world becomes the house and garden she has hardly seen and the neighbours she has yet to meet. The year I met you - But being fired is just the beginning. In the year that unfolds Jasmine learns more about other people than she ever dreamed. Sometimes friendship is found in the most unexpected of places". I started reading it that day at the airport, waiting for us to board the plane. And I finished it the next day. I enjoyed it immensely, and you know when you don't want a book to end? Well, it was like that for me when I realised I only had twenty pages left. In the print I've got, there's a q&a at the back, about the book. And Ahern says: "[...] the message is that no matter how stuck we feel, we are always moving, and transforming. All difficult moments are transitional times, we are always evolving, and becoming the next version of ourselves". The book was actually published last year if I'm not incorrect. But it came into my life just at the right moment. 

you taught me the courage of stars before you left

Yesterday was G-R-E-A-T. I went to Marble's around 2 pm, in order to help out with the food. I made a salad, prepared the potatoes and sweetpotatoes, and made white wine sangria. The latter seemed to be a success, seeing as everyone finished their glasses and more. Once Kiwi and my belieber friend came to the house, we started the barbecue, I was sipping on a cider already. Marble was the chef, and I poured the sangria for the people. We ate, ate and ate. Well, I did. I had four sausages, my standard amount. We shared the company with a cat that Marble is well familiar with, and with a dead bird which was very disturbing to me. Marble served cake, and I had one big piece and had to take a break cause I was stuffed. Afterwards we decided to retreat to the inside, as it had begun to become a bit chilly. We played games, drank more alcohol, chatted, laughed. I had a lot of jelly shots in addition to the things I drank, but felt surprisingly good. My belieber friend and Kiwi might beg to differ, but I really did feel like I was fine. We went around 10:30 pm. Darren actually drove us a bit, seeing as he was there to pick up my belieber friend, his fiancée. Kiwi had doubts about whether she'd come out with us. She had an headache that had appeared during the evening. I tried to be objective, but also persuasive. Marble is a peer-pressurer. Honest. That is why it's dangerous to be drinking alcoholic beverages with her because she'll always talk you into drinking more. Eventually Kiwi was persuaded to come along with us. Marble is mostly always up for new things, so she brought us to a new place, unfamiliar to both Kiwi and I. We'd gotten there early for once, because we wanted to avoid an age restriction older than us. And we did right by coming early. At first it was a bit few people, more silent than I'm used to. But it did come streaming in people after people. We'd had enough of sitting still, and decided to go dancing. And boy, did we dance. The dance floor was actually outside, and it was decorated with lights and soap bubbles came raining above us. It wasn't very big either, which was a bit problematic. I was looped into a dance with a long-haired man in a plaid shirt. The thing about small dance floors, is that there's not much place to hide. And a good dance floor is always dynamic, changing, so sometimes you'll end up in a completely different place to where you started. But yes, small space means it's harder to hide from the creepers. Long-haired man was indeed a creeper, and I had to hide behind two guys on two different occasions after I'd extracted myself from him. We were also lucky enough to had grabbed the attention to a lone guy who constantly followed us around the dance floor. Admittedly we did have another guy joining us for the most of the night, but that was welcomed in my eyes. He was a good dancer, and was brave enough to show them off. Also, the big difference was that he didn't exude creepiness. He seemed like a happy go-person, and those I approve of. We met a lot of different people on the dance floor, like you do. But I felt even more interactive on this dance floor, than ever. Kiwi left us around 2 am, and Marble went to the loo. I thought, well, lets go to the dance floor then. I got swiped into the cocoon of two men, and I thought "this is not where I want to be". And as if she could see it, a woman dragged me out of the cocoon and invited me to a proper session of rave dance. I really truly whipped my head back and forth. We were at this for quite a long time, and I had a jolly good time before I parted my ways with her, because was suddenly dancing with the good dancer again. I'm not sure where I was when Marble found me on the dance floor, but I was certainly dancing. Oh, right, yes I remember now. I was admiring the beard of a man, and his friend swiped my upper lip that I guess had gathered sweat? I'm not sure of why he did it, but I did think "well that's a bit gross?". Nevertheless, we danced when Marble found me. A guy suddenly pointed at Marble, said "your bag is gone". We were confused, but realised that he was right. Her bag was indeed gone. But he also pointed to the guard, to tell us that the bartender had the bag. He'd found it and given it to the bartender, and we were ever so grateful. The bartender told us to drink some water, thinking it had happened because we were drunk. In fact it was just another typical Marble accident, as she's prone to losing her stuff. Nevertheless, we took a break from dancing and had a glass of water. I talked to a man standing by the water, random chitchat. He said he liked my outfit, which I preened at. I also complimented a guy for his jumper. In fact I think I complimented quite a few. We ended the night with a last jig. Well, in fact it was more of hip hop, which, I think I'm horrible at. However, I did bust my moves with this gal who yelled at me: "the guys can't dance for shit," and I laughed back at her in agreement. We actually gathered quite a crowd. I'm not sure if they were watching in fascination or horror. I shook hands with a few people, hugged some, and left with Marble. It is genuinely the strangest night out I've had when it comes to dance genres. I got home at 4.30 am, and got in bed around 5.15 am. Woke up around 10.20, so I had around five hours of sleep. But I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for longer. Now, on Friday, when I was at the island a guy approached me. We chatted whilst I was packing up to leave, and he talked about an island I've not been to. When he heard I hadn't been there, he was shocked and said: "okay, then we'll go together tomorrow". I explained that I couldn't, I had the dinner with the girls. And he said "okay, Sunday. I'll wait for you on the pier until it's 2 pm". I warned him that I was going out, that I might'n't come along. He was fine with this. And with that I bid my farewells, walked barefoot on rocky roads just to avoid chatting with him. So you know, today was Sunday. And people in their right minds would not have shown up at the pier before 2 pm. But when have I ever been sane? I showed up, and he said "wow, I'm really surprised". I wasn't surprised by me showing up. When I've decided on something, I've decided. But I get that he was surprised, because another girl would probably not show up. Anyway, the amount of people waiting for the boat was ridiculous but understanding as it was wonderful weather. I warned the guy that I'd probably be poor company today, seeing as I'd gotten home at 4.30 am. He said he understood, chatted on. Once on the boat, he told me about the different islands, what to expect from all of them. He also told me about a newly "made" beach in the city. I felt a bit like listening to a tour guide, which I mentioned at the end of the day. Once I'd gotten my towel out and undressed, I waded into the water. Him too. Also, I realised I'd been on that island before, that's where I went years ago. Not my "regular" island. We'd set our goal to swim to a certain place, and we made it. Good on us. I went back to the beach to have a lie down. Having a nap, as he said. He then wandered off to speak with his friend. He came back an hour later, maybe, and I'd been half asleep. He said sorry, "it's not a great date when I've gone off for so long," he said. I laughed in surprise, and said "do you think of this as a date?". He looked slightly uncertain, which seemed strange for his personality. "Well, maybe not, but also kind of," he said. I am blunt when I need to be blunt, so I said "well, it certainly isn't for me, so you're off the hook about not staying with me at all times". If I'd been brutal and really honest, I'd say "and I quite like it when you're gone". I thought it was slightly funny when he excused his absence because his friend was chatty. "You know the type," he said, and I thought "well, I am looking at one right now". He went for a swim, and I got the company of a tiny chihuahua who'd run off. I knew who was the owner anyway, and she was currently in the water. So I sat with the dog for awhile, waiting for her to notice. Eventually she did, and I had to say goodbye to the lovely dog. I went for a quick swim after that, as I was very warm. I ended up leaving the guy around 6.30 pm. I was on my phone, and he said "whilst you're on your phone, you should add my number". I said following: "you know what I think? (serious pause) I think that today was a one-off. I think it's clear that we had two very different intentions with the day, and I think it's a better idea to just let it go". He was not beaten. Nope, he kept trying. I said "kudos to you for not giving up, but it's still a no. Maybe we'll see each other again, but that'll have to be coincidences". I am blunt when I need to be, and determined. Anyway, I left, only to wait in line for the boat for an hour. Yes, there was a bloody long line of maybe 30 metres, and two boats had come and left until I finally got on the boat home. On the boat I got into a talk with a man from Senegal. He's moved here to work, earn money so he can send it off home to his family. During the conversation, I was amazed to think of people who come so far just to earn a living so they can provide for their families. They go so far from home, to another culture. And he was alone, his family was back in Senegal. It's all so different from my own life. Apparently he had two jobs, and I told him "remember to take care of yourself". I reminded him of this several times, because I know his kind, the ones who work themselves so hard to reach a goal, they forget self care. Meeting him, though a brief meeting, was good for me. It opened my eyes to a lot of things actually. I met my mother on my way home. She'd gone for a hike and plucked blueberries. This past week has been rather strange, but also great. I've been swimming almost all week, met new people and done things outside my comfort zone. I asked myself today: "am I the person I want to be?" and I thought "right now, I'm really happy with who I am". And that doesn't happen every day. On another note, The Girl with Sienna Miller is perhaps one of the most disturbing movies I've seen. Toby Jones as Hitchcock was my nightmare. Amazing performances, I thought, but I know little of Hitchcock to be fair. I should be going to sleep now. Tomorrow I really need to give my bedroom a proper cleaning. It's been bothering me, but neglected due to my long visits to the island this week. Bonne nuit.