no one ever said it would be this hard, take me back to the start

Do you ever feel so tired, it aches deep in your bones? When you wake up, and it's still dark. And you're supposed to get up and get dressed. But the duvet is so warm, and the floor is so cold. And your bare toes would much rather stay in the warmth, but commitment and life drags you out of the bed. And you hiss when your toes touches the cold floor. And your eyes water, and it feels like you have a headache. And honestly, you feel like crying for a moment or two. But then you carry on. So tired you could hit someone, but life goes on. And it's not stopping just because you do. Life isn't waiting for you. 

Hi. I've not slept very much this week. I've mostly been up late at nights, trying to finish my damn school work. But then I'm just exhausted from "work", and I just want to sleep. Especially last night - I kept nodding off (half asleep) whilst I was editing a paper. And today at the bus, I was exceptionally silent. Sure, I'm usually silent anyways. But I didn't bother greet J.D., except for a wave and a half-smile. You know that kind of smile that doesn't reach your eyes, and fade too quickly. And (I'm going to call this other student Carla. Yep, everyone is getting a name from Scrubs) I didn't really have a conversation with Carla either. Just had a nap, really. And then just didn't talk to her, or, actually - I didn't even look at her, or J.D. So I wasn't that surprised when she asked me if everything was okay later. And wow, I was actually almost nodding off whilst feeding a patient too. I've never been that tired. I'm currently alternating between listening to Disney music and Nat King Cole. And I'm going to grab something to eat, before I'll hopefully manage to finish my paper and another log. I'm crossing my fingers, because I really want to do nothing tomorrow. I want to stay in bed with my phone. Or a novel. Hey, maybe I should read an actual novel. Yeah. I'll do that - I think.

my tears have been used up on another love

"I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care. But it's so cold and I don't know where. I brought you daffodils in a pretty string, but they won't flower like they did last spring. And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright. I'm just so tired to share my nights. I wanna cry and I wanna love, but all my tears have been used up on another love".

Hiya, the lyrics are from Another Love by Tom Odell. I sort of fell in love with it yesterday, as I stumbled across it. I've heard the song on the telly, but I've never actually sat down and listened to it. And I just thought the lyrics are the perfect recipe to an angst fiction. Look at that sunset, though. It's times like these I actually wish I was in love and we'd sit watching the sunset with a cup of cocoa in the snow (the outside-version of chilling by the fire while we eating fondue). Like a proper romcom scene. I've not slept too much last night, due to me actually reading articles for my school work. If there's something I'm thankful about for group projects, it's the pressure that makes me more effective. But now I'm really sleepy. And honestly, when I came home today, I was almost too tired to get undressed. I had to lie in my bed due to very tired legs and just pull my jeans off (my day has actually been quite busy - at least busier than usual). And then I just lay there for a moment, staring at the ceiling, thinking of this dream fantasy I told J.D. about on the bus today. Imagine lectures at school, yeah? What if every student had a bed - and the PowerPoint presentation was displayed on the ceiling. So, everyone would be in bed attending a lecture. I mean -- how cool wouldn't that be? (J.D. protested and said that everyone would fall asleep, but let's ignore his foolish - although correct ways of thinking). I'm gonna jump in the shower now, hopefully able to shake off this feeling of fatigue, so I can do some school work.

you know something I don't, it's not like you to be cold

I sort of have this routine whenever I get home from "work". I sit down and eat and have a cuppa. And sometimes I read fan fiction too. And it's basically what I did when I came home today, except the fan fiction part, because I was updating my phone. But when I was done eating, I headed upstairs to my bedroom with a new cuppa, and I just started reading this fan fiction on my phone. And when it was done, I just looked up and thought: "uhm, when did it turn so dark?". So basically, I'd been sitting in my almost pitch black bedroom, finishing up a 20k fan fiction. I guess I was so immersed in the fan fiction, that I didn't notice that it turned dark outside, hence the darkness in my bedroom. What is my life? Well, I spent like my whole bus ride home speaking about Lord of The Rings with my co-student(?). I don't know what to call him here - I'll call him J.D., like John Dorian (oh c'mon, surely you must know who this is). Anyway, J.D. turns out to be an expert of any weird stories and really bad jokes. Sometimes I'll look at him and just say "you're so weird". But yeah, today I got to learn about David's (David and Goliath) children, Oidipus, Lord of The Rings and Game of Thrones. I've actually seen a few episodes of the latter, and it's not really my cup of tea. I'm sure I could probably get really in to it, if I'd actually watch all the seasons. But I just can't be bothered with watching TV. The only reason I've actually watched Game of Thrones, was because my soon to be brother-in-law (it's almost just a year from now!!) told me it was the best TV-show he'd seen. And the fact that I had a few days off then. Maybe I'll watch it during the summer vacation. That's what I do - whatever I don't really have time for nowadays, I just put off until summer. On another note, I've fallen in love with 5 Seconds of Summer's Over and Over. And yeah, the lyrics in the title of this post is from that song. And -- the gif. I mean, Niall is in the middle of a speech here, and he's just thanking all the fans and everything. And he sounds all choked up for a second, before Louis decides they should all cuddle him. And after that gif, Harry stays behind and just hugs him tightly. If I was an ice sculpture, I'd melt into a pond right now. There's just so much I could have said about this little act. But it probably belongs on Tumblr, so lucky you who don't have to listen to me ramble that much. You really don't know just how much I've got on my mind that contains One Direction and 'feels' nowadays. And by nowadays, I mean the last three days. Oh, I've actually got to do some school work now, because I've got a minor group project with J.D., and it's not like I can leave him do all the work. At least my conscience won't let me. Oh, before I go. R, if you're reading this -- M.C. says hii xx.

I'm right here. When are you gonna realise that I'm your cure?

I love waking up in my bed and being able to just lie there. You know, I wasn't kidding about the minor breakdown yesterday. After watching the new comic relief video with One Direction, I just didn't stop crying until my mascara made my face itchy. Like seriously, I was watching a Justin Bieber video. And I was just so sad because he's not together with Selena anymore. And the fact that he's got to deal with so many haters at an age of 19? And then I watched Rihanna performing Stay, which made me cry even more. And then I listened to Who You Are by Jessie J and Someone Like You by Adele. And it just made me sob even more. So I tried watching a video of One Direction. And it helped for two seconds - and I laughed for a change. But then that laugh turned into a sob too. I guess I've not cried for awhile, and the tears were just waiting to come. But it's all better now, and, well, yes I cried a bit today too. But that was mostly because I read a heartbreaking fan fiction. I'm currently listening to 5 Seconds of Summer. The title of this blogpost is from their new song called Heartbreak Girl. And they sort of remind me of McFly? I'm not quite sure, but I like it. I've got to try finish writing my paper due on Wednesday or Thursday. I've sort of just been lazing around the house the past days. Alright, so I did do a bit of school work Thursday evening and Friday. Nevertheless, I could have done more. But that's the problem, isn't it? I can always do more. Also, I'm a bit worried about how school and One Direction's Take Me Home tour is going to clash. All I know, is that during the past five exams I've had, instead of studying I mostly procrastinated by watching videos of One Direction. At least it's gone well. I don't know, maybe it's luck. I feel like I should get a key chain of Niall dressed up as an leprechaun. Y'know, lucky charms.

I want you to hit the pedal, heavy medal, show me you care

Oh wow. I'm so overwhelmed I can feel a tear pressing out. This is proper feels, which according to Urban Dictionary is defined as: "A wave of emotions that sometimes cannot be adequately explained". Basically, the first two shows of the TMH tour was done yesterday, and my Tumblr dashboard exploded with pictures and gifs. And I was like "3,2,1 let the whispers begin". Which basically means let the bromances begin. I don't know if you remember this. Well, yesterday this happened. (There are going to be quite a few links in this post, just so you know). During their costume change, they always have these little videos to keep the people preoccupied. And what do we get? Uhm, One Direction in undercover. Yeah, that's Louis. Also, you get shirtless Nialler and Harry in the bath. And Zayn in the shower. Because, well, Niall shouldn't be the only one to strip down, should he? Now if they could just get Liam and Louis to do the same. Oh well, there was a lot of Narry last night (four links here), so that's more than enough for me. And then it's my underdogs. Niall and Lou. They even did synchronized dance moves, but now I can't find the gif, which makes me sad. Also, there's Liam singing to Niall, because he wants to bring Goldilocks to an Iron Maiden concert. Obviously. Also, casual hip thrusts against each other between Niall and Zayn? I'm writing this with a wrinkle on my face, because I'm not quite sure what they're doing exactly. Also, can we discuss Niall's outfit in these two pictures? Because, uhm, the rest of the boys were dressed up like this. And then you have Niall who obviously thinks he's joined an Australian band or something (did someone say 5 Seconds of Summer?). I mean, I'm pretty sure it's suitable to wear tank tops that dips that low in Australia. Just not so much in Britain, where I'm pretty sure it's still very cold. Oh well, I'm not complaining. Actually, I'm applauding. Let's have a prayer circle for more nipple slips, shall we? Oh all right, I'm leaving you to eat a hamburger. Because if I don't get any more food in my stomach now, I'll might go even more delirious and post more posts like these. Can't promise I wont - even with a satisfied tummy.

one way or another, I'm gonna find ya

I wasn't prepared to cry today. But then this happens, and that kid with malaria. I- that was just heartbreaking. I do sort of hate watching videos like these, because they start a chain reaction in my head. Like, all of a sudden I'm not only hit with the image of kids needing medication. But kids starving. Kids living during wars. Kids being slaves. Everything, really. And I tend to have a minor break down. So yeah, that's why I mostly don't ever watch the news either. I'm just easily upset. If you're quite cynical, you'd probably say something along: "the people who made this video are playing on all your emotions, hence the tears". And somebody will say "they shouldn't be filming One Direction. They should be focusing on the children". And yeah, I might agree a bit. Because this should be about the children really. But when they're making a short video like this, it needs to make an impact. And then you've got Harry literally sobbing, which I guess it's easier to get people to pick up their phones. And it's not necessarily because all One Direction fans will go like: "oh wow, Harry is crying. That means this must be important". It's more of a subconscious thing - you reflect the feelings of other people. It's something you learn as a kid. You don't get born and just automatically learn to be sad when somebody dies. You learn from the environment, from the people around you - their reactions. And seeing Harry's reaction, you'll often reflect the same sorrow he shows. Oh wow, what is this a lecture? I'm just saying there's often a reason behind things. But yeah. If you've not purchased the One Way Or Another song, you should. Or actually, just donate to something.

Edit: Great. Now I'm just crying for reasons unknown. And I'm just watching random Youtube videos.

you left your flowers in the backseat of my car

Hiyaa. My plans with my best friend was cancelled due to her having school stuff. And that's one thing I truly understand - blowing off people for school. I know it sounds wrong, and that loads would just say yolo. And alright, so you live one life only, but what if you don't die before your age can't take it anymore? Yolo should mean to cease your opportunities. It shouldn't be an excuse to avoid important things, like you probably shouldn't say "an exam? I'll study the day before, because yolo". So, the first matinee show of the TMH tour have just ended, and the set list is official. They don't play They Don't Know About Us, Truly Madly Deeply or Irresistible. I'm a bit disappointed, but then again, I didn't think they would play the two latter. But I really thought they would play They Don't Know About Us. They are however, playing the cover of Teenage Dirtbag (yessss!!!!!!!!!!!) and Rock Me. The second show is starting in not so long. Now I'm just itching for the videos to come. I was at the mall today because I had to make a stop at the post office, and I tried on this baby pink jumper. I really love the colour, but not so much the fit. I've got a slight obsession with jumpers. Also, I've started watching Idol. Actual television. But it's only because I love watching the little last minute dance the host does, before the votes are closed off. Oh, and I've cut my hair too. It was last week when I was hiatus. I'm not too fond of the length, seeing as I wanted to have it really long. But I figured I'd have to cut my hair and have it healthy, rather than having long and damaged hair. Oh well, it'll be my goal for the summer. Speaking of summer, it's not long until it's here. Alright, so it's still snowing, and there are no signs of actual grass just yet. But it's May in two months. And that's like nothing. I'm currently listening to Maroon 5, because it's been so long. And it brings me memories.

please don't say you love me, cause I might not say it back

I do sort of get easily upset. And it's not every day I get upset when someone pulls a dig at One Direction. But it's whenever one of the lads actually comment on/about it (I just feel this overwhelming need to protect them like they are babies, and should be shielded from all the bad guys in this world) because it usually means it got to them. The worst thing, is when these people are other musicians I enjoy. And it's so horrible, because One Direction are so nice and praises everyone else. And I just wish that the golden rule would be a real functioning thing. Like, nice people should get nice things happen to them. But the world isn't black and white, is it? Anyway, I'm currently trying to finish my log (which should have been done and sent to my teacher by 14:15 - whoops). And then I'm going to start writing my new paper. And guess what?? The THM tour starts tomorrow. I'm so excited, and this means I'll maybe be too busy watching new videos of One Direction every day, that I won't have time to read fan fiction. I'll try to do as much as I can today of school work, and then I'm hanging with my best friend tomorrow. I've not seen her for ages, I can't even remember the last time. It'll be good to have a catch up.

casual celebratory ziall kisses

Once upon sometimes Zayn kisses Niall. And sometimes Niall kisses Zayn. The end.

if the lights are all out, I'll see who's around

This puts a grin on my face. And hello to you as well. I've not gone hiatus just yet. I've just been tired due to lack of sleep. Visitors have come and gone, and yesterday was spent catching up with friends. And whoops, all of a sudden it was Thursday. Also known as the start of my weekend. Although, to be fair, I wouldn't really call it weekend just yet, because I spend my Thursday nights on writing school stuff. But now I'm back, and I plan on filling you in with new One Direction information. Honestly, Niall has been shirtless in three music videos now. If he keeps it up like this, I think we'll have to start counting the times he's not shirtless. I do wonder how they've made him do that scene. Like, did they just say "I'll get you something from McDonalds or Nando's if you'll do it". One of the main reasons why this music video makes me grin, is the fact that it shows how silly they are. It's my favorite thing about One Direction - they're complete idiots and not afraid to make a fool of themselves. And I love people like that. Also it's the fact that they're trying to do synchronized dance moves. And then there's just the pure randomness. It's like what the hell did I just watch? And then it's the fact that when they are filming themselves, it looks like they are vlogging - and oh wow, how wonderful wouldn't it be if they started vlogging? Speaking of vlogging and One Direction - my favorite youtuber, Tanya Burr got to meet Harry Styles yesterday at The Brits. And of course I'm envious, but I'm mostly proud and a bit overwhelmed, because it feels like every piece of the puzzle is falling together (if you didn't understand what I meant here, it's okay - you're not supposed to understand either). And speaking of The Brits - One Direction won a Brit for Global Success. And they beat Adele and Mumford & Sons (according to my belieber-friend who tweeted me a link to an article about it). And I do actually think they've deserved the award. I don't know if I'd agree if it was an award for "best" something. Because, oh man - Adele and Mumford & Sons? They're like two of my favorite things in the world. But I'm very happy for 1D. Also, it's always amusing to watch their drunken interviews (where they act like a bunch of 5-year olds) afterwards. I didn't really know what 1D was up for at The Brits, so I didn't think they'd win anything. But I sort of woke up today at 05:30 am, when Niall tweeted his good nights and thank you's. And I realised that they probably won, because who would stay up partying so long if they didn't win? This is getting long - I'm going to listen to BBC radio 1 breakfastshow from today, because Harry was there with Nick. And I love them together, the hipsters. Also, before I go, I'd like to point out that Harry commented on Taylor Swift's performance at the Grammy's. The one where she basically imitated him and said "we're never, ever, ever getting back together" or something along those lines. And guess what he said? He actually complimented her and said she's a great performer. And wait - who's 23?

one way or another I'm going to see ya

If you don't feel a tad emotional watching this clip, I don't know if you can qualify as a human being. And I'm actually very skeptical to any organizations like these. It's what I learnt at school - to be critical, I guess. But the thing is, the cause is for medication. And that's something else than just saying "donate to poor people", because who knows what the "donation" goes to? It could be anything. Zayn sort of ripped down all the walls I had up, though. And well, yeah, I cried. And now I've just purchased One Direction's cover of One Way or Another for the cause. And I'm proud to say that it's been number one on the Norwegian iTunes chart throughout the whole day. If there is anything I'm thankful for in the One Direction fandom, it's the fact that so many people can get together and do great things like this. A lot of the Tumblr blogs I follow have asked all their followers to "sponsor" them, basically donating money under their name. So yeah, it makes me very happy and proud. Right now I'm quite knackered. The problem with having people visiting and a paper to get done, is that there's no time. So I spend most of my day hanging out with visitors. And then the nights I spend writing. Like, I went to bed at 3:20 am yesterday. And then I woke up at 10 am. Oh well, yesterday was spent with my friend who's home from school and another friend. Basically, we ate and chatted at this Italian restaurant, which was cosy - but I'll probably never go back seeing as the food was njeeehh. And then tonight my sisters made a delicious dinner, and then we ate some Oreo cake afterwards. And now I've finally delivered my paper. Finally, because it's been bugging me for ages. And now that it's finally done, I've got to start a new one. And it's with another student too. I kind of hate group projects, because it means I'll have to think about other people too. And it's just so much easier to not. But the thing is, it was kind of something I chose myself. Or, well, the other student asked me if I wanted. And I didn't have the heart to say no, considering how mean I'm against him sometimes (I may or may not have called him a girl multiple times). At least he's funny.

I wish I was the tin man so I wouldn't have a heart to break

Hiya! Yesterday we went to Ikea and I spotted these cards, which I had wished for Christmas from my younger sister. But apparently they weren't out in the stores then. So I was a bit overjoyed when I found them yesterday. This is the cat, and then there are four other animals. The prints are by Matt Dinniman. And I sort of wish he'd made some jumpers with these kind of prints too. I also went to the mall yesterday - and I've not been there in ages, so a few things have changed already. My nephew didn't sleep at all when we were there, so he was kind of knackered when we got home. But then oh, at 2:00 am he decided to wake up. Which wasn't that bad, seeing as we decided to go to bed then. I didn't go to bed before 3:17 am though, because that was when he finally went to bed. And then he pretty much woke me up in the morning too. But looking at my phone, telling me it was 8:00 am was not enough sleep for me. And then I just fell in deep slumber once again. Until I woke up at 10:30 am and thought "that'll do". And now I'm here writing, because I decided I might as well stop by when I'm writing at my paper too. Yeah, about that. Doesn't seem like I can ever get it done, and now I'm so frustrated I might as well just send it in as it is. On a happier note, One Direction have released their Red Nose Day song, and to promote it, Niall had an interview with Nick Grimshaw on BBC radio 1 (oh my god, two of my favorite people ever, and they've got the best voices too). And there he spoke of lovely Hazza (Harry Styles, who else). Grimmy said something about him receiving a picture of Niall during rehearsals, at which Grimmy described everything Niall was wearing. And then Niall said: "How did he sneak??? So basically-- Harry is a paparrazi, he's been taking pictures of me" (or something like that). And yaaay, confirmation of Harry's obsession of taking pictures of Niall. Narry for the win, people. And wee, it's only one week left for their tour to start. And oh my god, it's like three months till' I'm going to their concert. Wow. I'm a bit overwhelmed, because I never thought I'd actually get the chance to see them in flesh and body. Nor did I ever think I'd get the chance to stand in a radius of meters from them. Right, back to actual writing on my paper.

our love can go out on a high note even when the sky is falling down

Hello. D'you know I'm going to a One Direction concert this year? And did you know that they announced the opening acts today? And yeah, well, turns out it's 5SOS who's going to be their opening act everywhere but Europe. Great - fucking great. I was ecstatic when I saw the announcement about 5SOS joining them on tour. But then I read the part about them not being the opening act in Europe. So that is bollocks. Anyway, I was awaken earlier than expected yesterday, because my fellow student called me and told me that our teacher had said we needed to be at the nursing home in time for a lecture. So I sort of jumped out of bed and into the shower and out of the house in 20 minutes. And I was seriously panicked, because I thought I was late for the lecture. But then I showed up there, and another fellow student was like "oh hi, turns out the lecture has been cancelled". And I honestly answered: "I really really want to hit someone right now". And it was just a really bad start of the day. But it's all better today, because my nephew just brights up the day with his impressions of a lion. But after a bit more than 5 hours of sleep yesterday, I'm knackered right now. I was knackered at 8:00 pm. But I still have my paper to finish, so, life sucks sometimes. My eldest sisters are currently playing Wordfeud against each other whilst sitting 5 meters from each other. What a world we live in these days. Actually, that's a thing I've been wondering about- do you think the people that's born today will be sitting at a nursing home with their iPad's playing whatever when they get older?

... aunt May is that an angel? He's so ridiculous that it makes him endearing. 

how do I know you don't just feel what you've been told to feel?

Something is wrong. Something deep inside, shielding from the surface. It's barely even noticeable. But when I feel it, it's all I can think of. And for a moment, my eyes blink undeniably faster - to stop my eyes from getting foggy. And then it's over. Like it never happened. Like my eyes didn't just get a bit moist around the edges. Until something sets it off again and hits me like a train. 

Hello. So apparently I've not only got one sister coming for a visit on Thursday - but two. My mum said something about my eldest sister trying to pressure all my siblings to come. She's good at that, giving you a bad conscience, so you'll comply to whatever she wants. And it's like great. Because I'm not done with my paper, and obviously I've overestimated my ability to write in a hurry. But it's fine for now - I've still got three days (it's due on Friday but I want to get it done on Thursday), and I'm taking the late shift at the nursing home tomorrow, which means I'll have time to write. I'm just a bit annoyed that my teacher haven't answered  my message, because I sort of really need the answer as soon as possible, considering the paper is due soon. Also, my cold is reappearing -- it's like yaaay, it's gone, and then a day after it's like nooooo, 's backk (imagine saying that with a stuffy nose). I woke up today feeling slightly better than yesterday morning. Because I'm pretty sure I slept through the whole night. I sometimes wake up at 4:30 am. and around that time. Like, almost as my body knows. Like it's saying yeah, I know I'll have to wake up soon. Oh well, it's nearly the weekend now. That's my motivation. One day at a time.

we can escape to the great sunshine

So it's not like I'm a huge fan of Lana Del Rey. I just like her music video for Ride and a few covers of her songs. Including this cover. I didn't listen to Cola before I listened to this cover, so in my mind this is the original. And now as I've listened to the original by Lana Del Rey, I must admit that I do prefer this one. But I guess Lana Del Rey fans would think otherwise. I'm really disappointed Ed Sheeran didn't win a grammy yesterday. But I'm happy it went to Fun. rather than Taylor Swift, because she's a real bitch. I'm sorry, but I don't understand why everyone thinks she's like America's little angel when she obviously is a devil in disguise (if I'm angry at her for yesterdays dig at Harry Styles? take a guess). Let me just quote this article:

This isn’t the first time Swift’s taken the liberty of, well, for all intents and purposes barbecuing a boy in front of an audience of millions. Styles at least was spared the embarrassment of being called out by name: In 2009, Swift famously referenced ex Joe Jonas out during an appearance on Saturday Night Live: “Hey Joe. I'm doing real well. I'm hosting SNL.”

And you know, that's where my hate for Taylor started - back with Joe. I'm also a bit spiteful that Taylor won a grammy, but that was along with The Civil Wars for Safe And Sound. And that's actually a really good song (who said I didn't enjoy T-swift music?) and it's The Civil Wars. And she didn't win a grammy for the horrible song she actually performed on the Grammy's. I really really dislike that song. On a happier note though, Mumford and Sons won several grammy's - and there were a lot of my other favorites who won too. Anyways, I woke up today and the immediate thought that came to me was: I hate my life. It should be forbidden to have to wake up so early. But now I'm finally home, and I'm going to write on my paper. Because I was stupid enough to procrastinate most of the weekend.

"don't try this at home"

Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm sorry, but I had to post this. 'S too brilliant not to. But here's the thing - why do they post the trailer fucking 6 months before it's out????? That's just mean, innit? I bet they're long from finished with the whole thing. What a tease, like really. But I am very much looking forward to watch this thing, because it might answer some of the questionable things they've done throughout the past months. Also, it's in 3D. And thank you Niall and Liam for ditching your shirts. You can do that more if you want to.  I can't believe that I'm actually going to watch this thing. What is my life? I question my sanity every day. Oh, just saw this comment on Tumblr: "so are there going to be subtitles or am i just going to have to guess what zayn and niall are saying half of the time". I sort of laughed at the comment first, before I realised that -- yeah, it's actually very true.

Hiya. I've just sat down and started writing on my paper. Sort of, I guess. I probably should have started on Friday. That way I'd be close to finishing it. Instead I've been avoiding it like a pest. I do however, plan on finishing up a few parts of the paper. And I know what I have to write -- it's just that I'm lazy, and I like procrastinating way better. But since I've not finished it this weekend, I'll have to write during the weekdays, when I'm properly tired. But that's my own fault now, isn't it? I'll deal with the consequences of my own actions. As I often say: as long as I won't die, it'll be fine. Right, I'm going to read one fan fiction before I really dig in and start working. Well, two, but technically one, because I'm midway through the first. Also, I'm going to do the same as Harry Styles, and wish Ed Sheeran good luck tonight. Because I really really hope he'll win a Grammy. He's one of those people who really deserves it too. Also, happy mother's day to those who celebrate it today. I made my mum a card in a hurry, because I kind of forgot about it - but shush. Nobody needs to know that. My cold has actually become much better. Except now my skin around my (red!!) nose is really dry. Oh well. And this writing/drawing I made today is a reminder for you that you shouldn't strive to change yourself all the time. 'S nice to have role models and all, but that doesn't mean you should be them. Be yourself - that should be your motto. 

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?

Hello. Apparently it's Chinese new years today. It was made obvious to me when I was awoken by my dad vacuuming and my mum cleaning the kitchen. Also, my sister was cleaning her bedroom (which never really happens). And then I guess I just jumped to the conclusion and asked mum if it was Chinese new years, at which she said "yes, now go clean your room". This (the picture) is usually filled with a gift - it can be money or a necklace, or something similar. And it's gifted to the children, I guess. So happy new years people! Hope everyone will have a great day. I managed to finish writing my log about respiration yesterday at 2:45 am. I just wanted to finish it and be done - but it was actually loads better than the previous one, which I wrote in a hurry and half-asleep. Seems like I only like writing them when I'm very tired, and should be sleeping. My cold is slowly getting better, I think. My nose is running a bit less. But now I've started coughing a bit. So yeah, maybe it's not getting better, rather worse. Good news though, my sister and nephew is coming next week. I've not seen them since October, and I'm very excited. Because I've not seen my nephew walk in real life, and I'd very much like to see that. Right now I sort of have to start writing on my paper due next week. It's just - there's so many fan fictions waiting to be read. But hey, I promised myself that I was indeed going to do some writing this weekend. I'm just so good at postponing the work until it's due.

maybe I fell in love when you woke me up

I went home with a smile on my face yesterday. My primary patient introduced me to her son, who was very lovely. Then this old man who usually plays the piano at my unit, was sat down in the cafeteria, ready to play. And I went to watch, because I'd heard him playing at my unit when I worked the late shift on Tuesday. And then I'd ask whether he would play on the piano the days after my late shift, but it wasn't until yesterday he did. And when he finished, I clapped and told him goodbye. And on my way out the door I was met with another patient from where I work, and we chatted for a bit before I finally managed to get out the door. I don't know - I just felt happy, I suppose. Because I know many of the people who actually work there wouldn't stop to listen to that old man playing the piano. Nor would they actually stop to chat with the old lady before heading home either. It's a bit sad, because the nursing home is their actual home. And they spend their days pretty much doing the same thing every day. Anyways, this is what I ate today. Ham and cheese toast, some avocado with salt and pepper, and a glass of juice. Apparently I really enjoy avocado these days. Might have been something to do with one of the students that works at the nursing home -- she was eating an avocado alone, and I was like "do you really like that?", at which she answered "yes". And I thought I'd try it out too. Today I saw the snippet of the 1D3D movie coming out this summer, and it looks like so much fun. Like proper backstage material. I'm currently listening to Ed Sheeran, and right now I feel a bit sad. It feels a bit like after I've read a sad fan fiction. And I wish I could find a nice and sad movie and just cry a bit. But then there's the school work I have. Maybe I'll just read some fan fiction - there's nothing better than reading if you want a little escape. 

let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

Sorry, but this was too adorable not to post (here's a Nouis taking a nap together too -- don't remember if I've ever posted it, but it makes me melt). Like, sometimes I imagine One Direction are a bunch of golden retriever puppies. And can you imagine Niall and Harry as puppies taking a nap together? (I feel like I should insert a gif of someone melting to a puddle). I've gotten a cold, and it's the most annoying thing ever. Makes my nose run like crazy, and I've kinda got plugs in my ears -- making my ability to hear a bit worse. And you know the thing I'm most miffed about? I can't sing a song without getting breathless (eating also becomes a bit of a problem). I'm just really glad it's the weekend, because I won't have to go around sniffing. When I woke up today I was really tired. I think the tiredness finally caught up with me, seeing as I wasn't tired on Tuesday or Wednesday. But I sort of just wanted to cry a bit. Because I was so tired, and my throat was all dry and my nose stuffed. I guess you can say I was a bit miserable. Nevertheless, I carried on with the day -- because if it's one thing I've learnt about myself for the past weeks, it's that I absolutely hate people that complains about the same thing over and over again. I'm not saying that you shouldn't complain about things - I mean, I've complained about having a cold in this blogpost. But there's a boundary as to when it's enough. Like yes, I heard you ten times ago. No need for further complaints about the same f-ing subject. On a much happier note, here's a cover of We Found Love, which I found very enchanting. Also, I think the rap is really good. I'm mostly only listening to covers these days - don't really know why. Maybe it's because of talented people like this - it's because of her I started to actually listen to Bon Iver. I mean, I've heard Skinny Love loads before. But when I read the description bar, and watched the video, I kind of cried. And if people can make me cry, they kind of have my attention. And that's how I got into Bon Iver. (Cool story bro). Maybe I should try find some new music. I'm actually going to do school work this weekend. Like, honestly. I'm trying to finish my paper this weekend, because I'm too tired at weekdays to even get anything done.

I'm trying my best to eliminate the cold that's building up in my throat with a cup of tea. Or three. The winter has decided to elongate it's time here, and the snow flakes are tumbling down in beautiful waves. But as it touches human ground it transforms to different scales of grey by the contamination. 

My highlight of yesterday: I was telling my co-worker about something I cannot remember, but then another co-worker's phone went off. And guess what the ringtone was -- One Thing by One Direction. So in the midst of my conversation, I couldn't help stopping mid-sentence to giggle. And if my co-worker looked at me weirdly, I didn't take notice. I'm currently listening to a playlist called "December Never Felt So Wrong" on this webpage called 8 tracks, which basically allows you to make a playlist you can share with people. And it's just a bit (or very) amusing, because most of the songs on this playlist are by artists I consider my favorites. And the playlist itself just randomly popped up after I was listening to a Niall Horan related playlist.  I'll link to the playlist here. Also, a bit of a warning -- I guess the songs can be categorized as a bit of hipster-ish?? So if you don't like that kind of music, you probably shouldn't click the link. Oh wee, I just made my own playlist. Which .. is great, considering that's time wasted doing unimportant things. I'm going to grab something to eat, because I'm starving.

come take a walk on the wild side

Oh wow. I woke up at 08:16 after having a nightmare about joining a sect, where the welcome ceremony was to watch one of the members getting his finger sawed off. But in my dream I was shutting my eyes and trying my best to block out the sound of everything with my fingers in my ears, and me yelling as loud as I could. I was heaving a bit when I woke up startled, and for a minute I wondered if I'd actually been screaming out loud, because it felt so vivid. I don't even understand why I had such a nightmare -- it's not like I've been watching a horror movie (I think the last one was actually Paranormal Activity -- or maybe Drive if that counts as a scary movie. And that was last year). Nor have I read anything disturbing like this. Oh well, the mind is a fascinating thing. Today I'm taking the late shift at the nursing home, so I won't be done until 10:00 pm. I'm a bit worried how I'm supposed to wake up early the day after though. It's definitely not something I look forward to. You know, I'm supposed to be writing on my paper now. Instead I'm reading a fan fiction. It makes me wonder how I've managed to keep my grades. What did I do before fan fiction? Oh, and One Direction - the source to this stupid obsession of mine. What did I do before all of this? (you don't know how many times I have to force myself to not post blogposts' of One Direction with the title "oooooommmmggg", "I can't eveeeen", or something similar. Last time was last night when I saw a Liam and Louis gif. So adorable).

Here's a cover of Rihanna's Diamonds, which is lovely. And here's a Justin Bieber mashup cover, that has some sick drums and guitars in it. I'm like bopping my head to it every time I listen to it (which is loads).

who do you think you are, running around leaving scars

These two pictures makes me yearn for summer. Flowers and handpicked strawberries from my garden. Today I'm really exhausted. Like, I had my break way past the time I usually have it. Mainly because they had a carnival at the nursing home, and we were only one (plus me) at my team, when we're usually two plus two students (me and my fellow student). So when I finally managed to sit down in order to eat, I realised I had to bring a patient down to the physiotherapist. And when I came back upstairs, the other patients had finished their lunches, so I had to help them to their rooms and the loo, before I finally managed to sit down and eat the rest of my food. But you know, the carnival was really funny, because they were serving alcoholic beverage and there were people dancing with funny masks and hats. I spent most of my time chatting with an old man who has dementia. Nevertheless, it was a very funny experience. The past few days I've been listening to the Up All Night album by One Direction, because my dashboard on Tumblr was spammed with audio posts from the album. And when I heard Everything About You, the memories just came rushing back, and I was reminiscing. It's odd, because in my head I see a specific "scene" to each song that was played at the concerts last year. Like, when I listen to Stand Up, I always think of this little Ziall dance (I'll link to it here - it's at 1:12). I cannot wait for the THM tour to start. I've really missed watching new videos of One Direction each day. Anyways, I think I'm going to take an early night with a bit of fan fiction first. I've stopped reading angst, because I found that I got really depressed by reading those. And although I enjoy a good cry, I don't like walking around with depressing thoughts over an extent of time. So now I'm mostly reading funny fan fiction. And mostly of them are about 30k words, which takes quite a while to read. And I who decided to not start reading the Lord of The Rings until summer, because it's so damn long. I can't imagine how many pages of fan fiction I've read. If only I was that pumped to read Lord of The Rings too.

Remember this jumper? Well, here's a fun fact: all of Niall's jumpers are from Asos. -- Well, not really. But 90% of them are. And now I just want to buy them all. Well, actually, as I've admitted to earlier, I kind of love men's fashion. Especially jumpers and t-shirts. So I kind of want all of the jumpers from the Asos men selection. Too bad I'm completely broke. 

What if you wake up one day, and you're 67. And you think "where did the days go?". That's my biggest fear, you know. Time escaping me before I realise. Doing things in routines make the days pass in a blink of an eye. -- When I was younger I used to wish to be a grown up. And I always thought the days were long. Maybe it's because we'd always run around outside, climbing trees, playing different games each day. But now the days are gone within what seems like a few hours. From the hour your eyes blink open, to your eyes close - it sometimes feels like an hour only. And then you have these sayings like "you don't remember days, you remember memories". It freaks me out, makes me think that maybe I shouldn't be sitting here right now. That maybe I should be sitting around a fire in the woods with my friends. And I know that sounds very peculiar, because I'm pretty sure none of my friends would actually want that. You know why I would even wish for a driving licence? So I could wake up at 4:00 am, toss a few things in the car and drive over to my friends' and collect them, and just drive somewhere. Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my liking, and I'll take the bus in the dark. And I'll be at the nursing home for seven hours, before I go home for a meal. And then I'll go to bed before it's too late. Before I know it, my eyes flutter open again, at the sound of my phone vibrating beside me. And it goes on like that. Forever. I don't know.. why does all games have more lives, more chances? When you play Mario Kart, you can start over all the time. Game over should mean game over. Why bother with the false pretenses? It's not like we have 7 lives in reality. I'm too young for all these thoughts.

walk away until you're not standing at my door

Hiya. I woke up today, and I realised I'd forgotten to deliver a paper due yesterday. Probably because I was in bed all day yesterday. 'S not a joke even. I had a bit of thinking when I went to bed to summarize the day, and I realised I'd actually been lying in bed throughout most of the day (except when going to the loo, when eating, and when showering). I've been listening to Little Mix this weekend, especially Turn Your Face. And it's really lovely, except I'm a bit disappointed that they don't sing together at the chorus. And I've noticed it's the same with a lot of their other songs too. And that's sort of what stops me from being a "mixer" - it just doesn't feel like they are a group when they've just got their own parts in a song. Not saying they're not a good group though, because they have great chemistry together. And I do like their music. Also, I'm very fond of their style, because they remind me of a 90's group. I mean, just google Little Mix, and look at the pictures. I was roaming through my bedroom for a bit, and I've realised that over the years I've been collecting sentimental things that I'll take with me to any future abodes. This little case for toothpicks are on of them. I got it from my cousin from China, after she and my siblings had been travelling through China. For now it's my holder for buttons. I've not been lying in my bed all day today. Mainly because I keep thinking that I need to do some school work. And then I turn my computer on, and it's just so easy to not open a Word document and start typing in words about nursing. It's so much easier to listen to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC breakfast show whilst reading fan fiction. Also, I'm writing on my AU (alternative universe) story about my life, and I've just asked my best friend what she wants her boyfriend/husband to be working as in it. You know, because it's so usual for people to outright say to you "hey, I'm writing this AU story about myself and you're in it. Now, do you want to be married at 26? If so, what does your husband do for a living?". My best friend must be very understanding, as she only asked what AU stands for, before she continued to answer my questions. Oh well, I've got tomorrow for regrets and slapping myself for avoiding school work. 

happy birthday harry

Oh wee, it's February 1st! Happy 19th birthday darling. And thank you Ed, for addressing this topic. You are a top lad and friend (and a musician of course). I think most of the time Harry just get bashed for everything he does, and media wants to shape him into the new "bad guy", when he really is one of the sweetest people on this earth. And it's a bit unfair that a 19 year old guy needs to deal with these kind of things. Even if they are very lucky to be in the position they are in. I'm just saying, that it's not so weird that the world is screwed up when you find articles about Harry having back acne, instead of what Ed addresses. I mean, it would be fine if it's actual constructive criticism, because people are entitled to have opinions. I did finish my log yesterday, although in a hurry because I didn't want to write on it today too. And therefore the quality of it is quite lacking, but I can't really be bothered. The weather outside is delightful, but I'm not planning on stepping a foot outside the house today. I've got three fan fictions with over 20k words waiting for me to be read. Before I go, I'm going to link to a tweet by Nialler that sort of testimonies why I love Narry so much.