our paper houses reach the stars, til we break and scatter worlds apart

Jeg satt på toget i fem og en halv time. Den ene halvtimen var forsinkelse, hvor vi stod rett over motorveien og jeg fikk høydeskrekk av å se ned. Jeg hadde egentlig plass for meg selv-- det var ei mor og baby som hadde plassen ved meg, men jeg mistenker at moren var veldig snill og ville la meg slippe babymas. Så hun var omtrent ikke tilstede. Altså, babisen var dritsøt, snakka «babysk» til meg, hadde de største øynene og lente seg på meg. Men må innrømme at jeg sukket i lettelse. Jeg fikk duppet av i ny og ne også, så det var fint. Men det er lenge siden jeg har vært på så lang togtur, og kjente det var deilig å komme frem. Så var det dette styret med å finne frem på T-Centralen da. Er ikke det enkleste akkurat, men jeg klarte meg bra – helt til jeg kom til Gullmarsplan og skulle finne veien ut. Havnet med litt tvilsomme folk, og det luktet urin og jeg så spy. Med andre ord ble jeg litt sånn skeptisk til at jeg hadde havnet på riktig sted, så jeg snudde tilbake og fulgte Google Maps. Problemet mitt var at jeg befant meg på et område som er skikkelig up and coming, så det er bygging overalt, og veier er avstengt. Gikk heldigvis kun èn blindvei da, men det var nok for toget var forsinket, og jeg begynte å få litt dårlig tid. Fortalte karen i skranken på hotellet om problemene mine med å finne veien, fordi jeg lurte på om jeg ikke bare skulle bestille drosje til konsertarenaen. Tror han var snill mot meg, for han gav meg et veldig fint rom. Jeg var høyt oppe og hadde utsikt til et grøntareale. Det var faktisk tidenes hotellrom, og dersom jeg skal tenke på funksjon, så er det mitt favoritt hotellrom noensinne.  Jeg synes det så litt ut som et showrom, med trendy farger og møbler, samt stort bad og et lite kjøkken. Ja, jeg hadde stekeplate, oppvaskmaskin, kjøleskap, mikrobølgeovn—you name it. Kunne tenkt meg å bli en dag til bare for å nyte rommet mitt liksom. Jeg måtte ha litt tid til å slappe av og til å få i meg litt mat, så det var ikke før i sju-tiden at jeg faktisk kom meg ut. Jeg gikk til bussen som jeg hadde blitt tipset å ta, også gikk jeg av stoppet som jeg skulle av på. Problemet var at jeg ikke fant noe klare skilt på hvor Annexet skulle ligge. Globen lå ganske klart rett foran meg, så jeg gikk i retning den veien. Men så var det ikke folk der, hørte ikke noe lyd whatsoever, så jeg snudde vei. Google maps førte meg bare i sirkler i hodet mitt. Spurte folk, og snakket med enda flere tvilsomme folk. Jeg var stresset fordi jeg tenkte at jeg ville gå glipp av Picture This (de som varmet opp i forkant), også ble jeg så stresset at jeg tenkte jeg kanskje ville gå glipp av starten av settet til Niall. Hadde begynnende katastrofetanker, faktisk. Heldigvis møtte jeg en sånn offisiell person, og han viste meg hvor jeg skulle. Jeg hadde bestilt sitteplasser, og jeg hadde fått plass på første rad. Men jeg har ikke sett bilde av oppsettet på salen, hvor de sitteplassene eventuelt skulle være. Jeg fikk jo også en mail der det stod at det ikke var lov til å stå i kø før klokken sju på morgenen. Så da antok jeg at det ville være både ståplasser og sitteplasser. Det har vel vært det på London og Dublin konsertene hans?? Jeg vet ikke. Etter en tur på do, hvor jeg tror noen ropte «de har startet» i det jeg satte meg ned, gikk jeg inn i salen. Det var bekmørkt, og omtrent alle hadde satt seg allerede. Picture This hadde startet settet sitt, og jeg fulgte etter noen andre jenter som gikk mot det jeg antok var de eneste sitteplassene. Ble litt skuffet fordi det var relativt langt bak, og en haug med folk foran. Ikke særlig sikte liksom, også var det ikke såpass stor konsert at det er tv-skjermer som filmer artisten heller. Men når det er sagt, så er det absolutt en større konsert enn jeg er vant til. I disse dager går det mest i Sentrum Scene som har plass til 1700, kontra Annexet som tar 3500. Jeg antok at det var sånn kino-plassering, altså den type sortering av sitteplasser. Så da jeg så at det stod rad 68, visste jeg at jeg skulle langt frem. For jeg hadde jo rad 1. Jeg fortsatte fremover på midtgangen, og da kom jeg til en stående folkemengde, så jeg antok at det var der ståplassene var. Det var veldig nærme scenen, og jeg var liksom glad på de menneskene sine vegne. Antok at de hadde stått i kø forever. Samtidig syntes jeg det var litt merkelig at de skulle stå rett foran sitteplassene, altså at sitteplassene ikke var litt forhøyede. Men så skjønte jeg at det også var sitteplasser. Fikk hjelp av en av vaktene som sa jeg skulle gå rundt og foran. Også gikk jeg dit jeg antok setet mitt var, og da var jeg seriøst på førsterad. Men så satt det allerede ei jente i det setet jeg skulle ha, og hun hadde visst samme sete. Jeg gikk til ei dame som jobbet der, også hentet hun jenta som satt på setet. Jeg ventet liksom på beskjed om at jeg skulle et annet sted, men hun så på billetten min og det skulle visst stemme. Det var hun andre jenta som hadde tatt feil, og hjertet mitt knuste litt for henne. Tenk å skulle komme på konsert og tro at du har en helt syk plass, bare for å måtte forflytte deg. På mine egne vegne, kjente jeg jo at hjertet banket fortere. Jeg satt på første rad, midt på, og jeg klarte ikke helt å tenke. Jeg har ikke hatt disse billettene så lenge, det er liksom ikke noe jeg har sett frem til i et år. Jeg har jo knapt satt meg inn i det faktum at jeg skulle se Niall. Jeg satt og tenkte at jeg antakeligvis ikke kom til å bli starstruck. Aldri opplevd det med noen andre enn Justin B, men da han kom gående ut på scenen, så var det som om systemet gikk litt i sjokk. Niall stod 4-5(?) meter fra meg, og det er det nærmeste jeg noen gang kommer til å komme. Han virket så kjent, som om jeg stadig ser han i hverdagen. Og jeg ser jo stadig bilder av han, men der stod han liksom, iført favorittjeansen og en basic blå t-skjorte (som antakeligvis koster himla mye mer enn en vanlig basic t-skjorte). De gikk rett ut i første sangen, og jeg tror faktisk at jeg synes det var en sabla bra ide å ha turne før albumutgivelse. For omtrent ingen kunne synge med, og da hørte jeg bare Niall. Jeg har fryktet litt at jeg skulle oppleve samme følelser ovenfor Nialls musikk som jeg gjorde med Harry, altså at jeg ikke skulle like det noe særlig. Jeg er ikke typen fan som følger ens musikk uavhengig om jeg liker det eller ei, jeg er ikke en sånn stan. Jeg vil antakeligvis alltid være en fan og gi musikken en sjanse, følge karrieren. Heldigvis er Niall mer på bølgelengde med meg. Det er selvfølgelig noe jeg liker mindre, spesifikt to sanger, og jeg skjønner ikke helt valget av neste singel. Men de andre var flotte, og jeg satt/stod som en gapende fisk. Helt seriøst. Jeg ble så overrasket over sangene, stemmen. Han er jo også en ganske privat person, så det å høre tekstene til sangene hans føles litt som å få litt mer innsyn. Jeg tror ikke at albumet hans er den typen som når toppen, men det er noe som er så inderlig han. Og jeg kjente på en utrolig stolthetsfølelse da jeg hørte han. Jeg satt mest og gliste, følte meg som den stolteste vennen hans. For meg var det tross alt bare vi på første rad og Niall og bandet hans som eksisterte. Så jo ingen andre. Det var et moment i en sang hvor det roet seg, alle lysene ble dempet, men sakte begynte lyset bak Niall å skinne. Han begynner å synge «bridgen», og det er kun stemmen hans. Det var som den gangen jeg plutselig møtte Kristoffer ute på byen, og lyset bak han skinte. Det var liksom veldig filmøyeblikk, og enda mer med Niall. Det var som om jeg hadde tåkesyn, og når det klarnet seg, var det kun Niall som eksisterte. Jeg fikk gåsehud. Det tok pusten min, for det var så utrolig fint. Jeg gispet bokstavelig talt. Det var mange fine øyeblikk, men det går sånn i surr. Det er så merkelig, for jeg husker alt som skjer før og etter, men det som skjedde i midten er litt sånn rotete. Han nikket i min retning, men jeg antar at det var til området jeg stod i. Det virket som om han koste seg, sånn som han lo. Han sang forresten Fool’s Gold, en av One Direction sangene. Da var det kun han som stod på scenen, mens bandet stod og ventet bak. Og da tenkte jeg at jeg faktisk kunne sittet og hørt på han helt alene. Han snakket om grunnen til han hadde valgt å turnere før utgivelse av album, snakket om bakgrunnen for albumnavnet. Jeg er så vant til at han snakker mer med publikum, og at konserten varer lenge. Så da konserten plutselig var slutt, skjønte jeg ikke det først. Det er også vanskelig å kalkulere akkurat når det er ferdig når du ikke kan navn på sangene, eller når du ikke følger med på hvor mange sanger han har sunget. Tok meg liksom lang tid for å reise meg å kle på meg. Han nevnte ikke alle sangene med titler, så jeg klarer ikke å skille noe særlig, men herremin som jeg gleder meg til å høre studioversjonene. Noe i meg tror faktisk at det jeg hørte live er finere enn studieversjonene. Jeg kjente på emosjonene i det jeg stod og ventet på bussen, hvilket er typisk. Det begynte å gå opp for meg hva jeg hadde opplevd, hvor sykt heldig jeg er. Tenk, Niall har stått fire-fem meter unna meg, jeg hadde den beste plassen i salen liksom, og jeg har fått høre han synge live. Jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne gjort det om igjen, og om igjen. 

we are the wild youth, chasing visions of our futures

I dag var første dag jeg faktisk syntes at det var helt unødvendig for meg å dra på forelesninger. Det er vanskelig å forutse hvorvidt en foreleser er flink eller ei. Jeg satt også igjennom hele dagen, fordi jeg skulle spise med de andre. Må innrømme at jeg nesten begynte å duppe av på slutten, og det var litt krise i og med at vi er en relativt liten klasse, og ennå færre når det ikke alltids er obligatorisk oppmøte. Tror neppe at foreleseren hadde fått særlig god følelse om jeg faktisk begynte å duppe av. Mennesker er jo mennesker, vi har emosjoner. Jeg har egentlig hatt flere gode samtaler i dag, spesielt med en medstudent som jeg kommer til å kalle Carmila. Vi kommer ganske godt overens, fordi vi er likesinnede. Overraskende like i personlighet og studieteknikk, men også andre områder. I dag satt vi ute på takterassen mens det småregnet; diskuterte livet, faren ved forventninger, og å være flinkere på egenomsorg. Jeg pleier alltids å minne på mine kolleger at de er nødt til å ta vare på seg selv først, det er så utrolig lett å bli utbrent i yrket mitt, og det kommer antakeligvis til å bli ennå vanligere med fremtidens utfordringer. Men det er ikke bare i yrket mitt dette prinsippet gjelder, det gjelder absolutt alle, for det er et ganske vanskelig ideal i dagens samfunn, hvor du egentlig skal være ganske perfekt. Og når et mål er uoppnåelig, nei da kjører vi i veggen. Mitt nyttårsforsett dette året var å være snillere mot meg selv, og det er fortsatt noe jeg må gå og være bevisst på. En lang prosess. Det var naturligvis ikke alle som kunne delta på middag etter skolen, men det var veldig koselig, også var det fint å kunne bli bedre kjent med de andre. I og med at det ble en sen retur hjem, har jeg skippet dagens trening. Muligens jeg gjennomfører den i morgen, eller at jeg bare legger til ekstra til neste økt. Jeg valgte å prioritere tiden min til å lese ferdig de to siste kapitlene jeg manglet å lese ferdig i kveld. Jeg har teknisk sett to bøker igjen å lese, men jeg mangler den ene, så da sier jeg bare at jeg kun har èn bok igjen å lese. Det er faktisk mulig at jeg kommer meg ajur pensumlista, og det er overraskende. Jeg bestilte en bok forrige uken, altså en fiktiv bok. Den ankom i posten i dag, og jeg tror muligens at jeg skal få sitte og lese i den på toget til Stockholm. Det er så typisk at jeg får lyst til å lese en fiktiv bok, når jeg er nødt til å lese pensumlitteratur. Gleder meg da, spesielt fordi jeg egentlig har stoppet å lese fan fiction, eller hvertfall redusert betraktelig. Og for meg som egentlig er vant til å lese relativt ofte, er det merkelig å ikke lenger sette meg inn i andre univers. Nå er jeg nødt til å legge meg, for det venter en tidlig morgen på meg. Skal lese med Marble, hvilket blir hyggelig. 

when I look in the mirror, baby I see it clearer, why you wanna be nearer

Til helgen reiser jeg til Stockholm, så jeg har brukt litt tid på å gjøre meg kjent med den offentlige transporten. Sist jeg gjorde et forsøk på dette, var da kilo-gjengen skulle komme seg til 1D-konsert, og ifra. Og hele den opplevelsen har jeg bare kategorisert som "skummel" i hodet mitt. Denne gangen blir det forhåpentligvis bedre, mer kontrollert og forutsigbart. Du vet, denne gangen har jeg kunnskap om hvilken linje jeg bør ta, og hvilket stopp jeg skal av på. Skulle egentlig vært på forelesninger i dag, men jeg fant ut at om det var en dag jeg skulle skippe, så ble det i dag. Jeg klarte å lese igjennom en pensumbok i går, men det var fordi jeg ikke følte behov for å skrive notater til boka. Så jeg er veldig fornøyd med å komme meg igjennom, men jeg føler fortsatt på det faktumet at jeg er på etterskudd. Og siden jeg brukte to dager til jobb, to dager som kunne gått til lesing, har jeg derfor valgt å bruke dagen i dag til å lese. Det er nå ni dager igjen til eksamen, og jeg kjenner nervene begynner å framtre. Det som bekymrer meg er at det virker som om det er en litt annet måte å skrive på i dette faget, en måte som jeg ikke er helt kjent med. Også er det sånne spørsmål om jeg husker hvordan kildehenvisning fungerer. Dette vil også være det første arbeidet vi blir vurdert på, hvilket betyr at jeg ikke aner hva slags krav de setter til oss. Søndagen skulle jeg i utgangspunktet bruke til å lese, men den gikk til pause etter et slurvete forsøk på å lese et kapittel. Det var mitt første møte med den skuffende følelsen denne skolegangen. Den følelsen av at du ikke klarer å nå et mål, selv om du teoretisk sett kan klare det. Heldigvis er ikke dette den første gangen jeg gjør dette, og jeg vet at det å skulle lese to bøker i tillegg til å skrive notater per uke (samt lese forskningsartikler) er uoppnåelig for meg. Timene er der, men motivasjonen finnes ikke alltids, og energien er heller ikke alltid tilstedeværende. Og det var på grunn av dette at jeg brøyt lesingen min på søndagen, og tok meg fri likevel. Det er ikke vits å lese når du egentlig ikke leser. I stedet så jeg på How To Be Single, fordi jeg ønsket å se på en komedie. Trodde at det var Rebel Wilson som var hovedperson, så det var skuffende da jeg innså at det var en annen skuespiller som spiller i en franchise som jeg ikke støtter. Filmen ble likevel stående på, og jeg må si at jeg ble overrasket over alle u-Hollywoodske trekkene filmen gjorde. Også ble latter om til gråt, hvor jeg satt og tenkte "hvorfor gråter jeg nå". Så antar at kroppen hadde behov for å gråte litt. Det eneste som manglet var en neve smash i munnen, for det er tydeligvis min nye greie. Jeg føler jeg nesten har blitt kvitt behovet for sjokolade, for jeg foretrekker egentlig salt fremfor søtt. Så da viser det seg at jeg har fått palett for en kombinasjon. Jeg gleder meg til helgen for å spise sjokolade, men også fordi jeg skal se Niall. Må innrømme at jeg er litt ambivalent til sistnevnte, fordi jeg ikke helt klarer å se for meg hva slags konsert det vil bli. Tror uansett at jeg blir storfornøyd dersom det blir konsert. Jada, man skal aldri utelukke at konserter ikke blir avlyst. Nå håper jeg på å lese ferdig et kapittel til, før jeg legger meg. For i morgen må jeg på forelesninger. 

it's your love I'm lost in, and I'm tired of being so exhausted

It's Sunday, one of my favourite days. It means recharging. 

I clean physically and mentally-- I've written my goals

for next week. I've taken the day off from

reading curriculum, because while it's certainly entertaining

to my brain to finally attach words and concepts to things

I've had in my mind for such a long time,

everyone needs a break. I need a lot of them.

Yesterday was an impromptu-trip to a festival, where we listened to African music 

(also other music, but I've never really listened to African music like this before),

and had a ton of options for food. "Do I have to dress up?" I asked

Oyster on the phone. Wore a pair of jeans, a dress, wool jumper and brought an umbrella.

Transitional weather? Yes.

My brother turns thirty tomorrow, and though he has already 

received a lot of gifts already, mother and I 

will be bearing gifts (literally) this afternoon. 

My hair could do with washing, but I'm going to leave that for later. The plan is to wear

my hiking trousers and be ultimate comfort ™. The brother finally got a

tv this summer, so that's good. I've not seen his place after

my oldest sister tried to put her touches on his interior.

Speaking of interior, I am very tempted to buy everything at the moment.

My Muji-watch has fallen asleep, which I think is 

due to the battery, 

but I cannot get the bloody thing to open. 

Hopefully I can find it in Stockholm in two weeks.

Because that's when I'm going to see

Niall Horan, who was watching CRAZY STUPID LOVE

yesterday. I hate it when I have these realisations of him being a real person ™.

Niall, this is my application for being your best friend: I am kind

and I think you are a cool, but also down to earth person.

I am listening to Khalid and Tom Misch this Sunday, and I think you should too. 

It feels slightly strange feeling so content just being at home,

feeling organised. But it's nothing to feel strange about. Just remember that the society has

implemented ideas of what's supposed to be normal, what's fun and what's boring.

Society has implemented guidelines for what life is supposed to be.

But that doesn't mean it's actually real for each and everyone. 

My thoughts are so loud, 'cause I just wanna know. Are you gonna keep her?

Noen ganger går jeg rundt i storbyer, og jeg husker klart et sted, et område, men jeg er usikker på om det er i den byen jeg er i. Stockholm viste seg å være et av disse stedene hvor mange av de "stedene, områdene" jeg pleier å tenke på faktisk er. Lørdagskvelden varte til natten. Det skal sies at kvelden startet med at vi gikk inn på feil lokale, til et bryllup. Hilste på en kar som sa "jeg er lillebroren til brudgommen". Det var ikke før vi fikk sett på bordkartet, hvor vi ikke fant navnene våre og jeg leste navnene til brudeparet-- at vi skjønte vi hadde gått feil. Kiwi, Marble og jeg satt og gruet oss til å holde tale, gikk ut for å øve flere ganger, og jeg klarte knapt å prate med andre mennesker. Omsider fikk vi fremført diktet vårt, og vi tok oss et glass champagne for å feire. Jeg lo og smilte så det gjorde vondt i smilebåndene. Det er ganske spesielt å se "ekte kjærlighet" som lillesøsteren til Sugar sa, og det er vanskelig å ikke smile av deres lykke. Vi danset til indiske sanger, som om det var topp 20. Skålte med faren til Sugar, spøkte med faren til den kommende brudgommen. Jeg spiste sykt god mat (tenker fortsatt på det), og fy flate så perfekt med middag ved midnatt. Nei det var en veldig fin kveld, og jeg sovnet halv tre. Våknet fem timer senere for å sette meg på et fly til Stockholm. Vi ankom Scandic (HTL foreverrrrr) Upplandsgatan noe tidligere enn innsjekkingstid, men fikk sjekke inn med en gang. Og da fikk vi jammen meg det største rommet jeg har fått på et HTL-hotell før. Jeg er veldig glad i interiøret til hotellet, og hele estetikken. Nei, det er safe to say at jeg var (er) storfornøyd. En reise er ganske avhengig av reisepartneren, har jeg innsett. Jeg gikk i gjennomsnitt over tjuetusen skritt hver dag med mamma, for hun ville se så mye av Stockholm som hun kunne. Jeg ble litt overrasket over alle områdene jeg faktisk kjente igjen, for jeg kan ikke huske at jeg og kilo-gjengen utforsket så mye av byen. Men etter denne turen kan jeg si at jeg har utvidet mitt kjennskap til byen. Vi bodde i Norrmalm, utforsket Vasastan, Solna, Östermalm, Södermalm. Jeg har vært i utrolig mange parker nå, og favoritten må da være Haga park, men også Observatorielunden hvis du bare ønsker en stille stund med fin utsikt. Rosendals Trädgård er fantastisk fint for blomsterentusiaster som mamma, men også for familier som ønsker å ta en brunch under epletrærne. Også går det an å sitte på en gressplen litt unna, ta av skoene og nyte naturen. Det kan riktignok hende at du hører litt fra Gröna Lund som ikke ligger så langt unna. Skeppsholmen eller Kastellholmen er fantastisk på en varm sommerdag i byen-- masse vind, pause fra støyet og fine omgivelser. Gå oppover mot Södermalm, hvis du vil ha utsikt over byen. Jeg synes Stockholm er finest på en sommerkveld når det er solnedgang, for da er alle gåturer utrolig fine. Det ble ikke akkurat en shoppingtur, men jeg kjøpte meg faktisk to jeans. En rosa og en som er hullete-- begge er litt sånn på kanten av det som er typisk for meg. Men forandring fryder? Etter et noe forsinket fly, kom vi hjem i går kveld. Ler alltid litt når jeg hører på Lover, Where Do You Live på et fly, og hun synger "lover, where do you live. In the sky, in the clouds, in the ocean". Ser for meg at jeg ser ut av vinduet og plutselig ser drømmemannen på en av skyene. Uansett, jeg valgte å sove så lenge jeg klarte i dag, lå i sengen så lenge jeg ønsket. Det er deilig å komme hjem til egen seng, dog jeg må si at hotellsengen fra HTL er en av de beste sengene jeg vet om (inkludert dyner og puter). Bena som har gått så mye de siste dagene har endelig fått pause. Har riktignok ryddet rommet og gjort en liten opprydning i diverse skap. Fikk en mail fra skolen angående mitt brukernavn og passord, og måtte smile da jeg innså at det er det samme fra da jeg tok bachelor. Plutselig føltes ting litt tryggere kanskje. Nå skal jeg fikse litt sånne greier jeg er nødt til å gjøre for jeg reiser avgårde igjen-- få litt orden i livet, være "voksen". Er halvveis inn i tjueårene, og jeg bruker anførselstegn om ordet voksen. Jada. 

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you

Nå sitter jeg og hører på Fy Faen, for fy faen jeg har kjøpt billett til Niall Horan i Stockholm. Jeg dør halvveis av spenning og glede. Andre halvdelen er av meg selv-- at det går an å bruke så mye penger på en artist liksom. Jeg angrer ikke, og jeg vet jeg ville angret mer på å utebli. Dessuten synes jeg at jeg har for mye penger på kontoen for tiden, så da er det vel greit å bruke noe av det. Blir en endagstur i og med at jeg allerede drar til Stockholm i starten av august, og da må det vel være nok besøk dit. Denne gangen skal jeg riktignok kjøre tog dit, også skal jeg bo i en annen bydel enn jeg har gjort før. Så det blir noe nytt likevel. Gleder meg, kjenner jeg. Til tross for at jeg ikke helt forstår om han kommer til å fremføre nye sanger fra albumet hans. Jeg hadde en forholdsvis rolig kveldsvakt i går, men tok i mot nye pasienter, hvilket automatisk påfører en del jobb. Også hjalp jeg kollegaen min noe, og siden jeg hadde fri i dag, så ventet jeg på henne. Det ble overtid, men jeg kom hjem til won ton suppe, og det er faktisk en av mine favoritt-retter, så jeg var veldig fornøyd. Vi møtte faktisk på min tidligere sykepleierveileder og gamle kollega på vei til jobb. Hun skal gifte seg om ikke så lenge, så hun sa at vi var velkommen til kirken. "Skal ikke du i bryllup i sommer?" spurte hun meg, jeg benektet det "nei, jeg har vært i bryllup i mai, også skal jeg på forlovelsesfest". Måtte faktisk tenke meg om, for det var et øyeblikk jeg var panisk og tenkte at jeg hadde glemt et bryllup! Det frister faktisk å dra i kirken, men må se om jeg er ledig den datoen. Gruer meg litt til at en ny jobbuke for meg starter i morgen, for jeg jobber tre dagvakter på rad, og det synes jeg er tungt. Men, nå er det faktisk to uker igjen, og det klarer jeg. I dag har jeg planer om å spise burger med ekteparet. Jeg har nevnt et burgersted for de flere ganger, og jeg er litt spent på hva de synes. Tror i hvertfall ikke at det blir som de forventer. Etter burger, skal vi på storsenteret og shoppe. Darren skal ha seg nye klær, slik jeg forstod det. Blir artig å ha de i nærområdet mitt. Mulig at jeg legger meg litt ute i solen i dag før jeg skal møte ekteparet, det er jo dumt å ikke nyte det fine været. Får se på vindhastigheten, det er avgjørende. Nå skal jeg i hvertfall spise frokost, for jeg har tross alt vært våken siden før ni for å få tak i billetter. Har egentlig bestemt meg for å ha en god dag. 

it cut me sharp, hearing you'd gone away

Good evening! I don't think I've ever shared this picture before, but it's from back in June after the One Direction concert in Sweden. We were walking slowly, but surely over a bridge and the sun had been setting. Was just looking through my folder of pictures from this Summer, because it feels like the summer weather just disappeared all of a sudden. Oh well. I woke up a few times this morning, once due to a strange dream. The second time because my sister's dog once again managed to open my bedroom door and jumped up in my bed. The third time was when my alarm went, and the fourth time was when my dad was calling us down for breakfast. I slept approximately two hours more than I was supposed to, so I've slept about ten hours. Sleeping more than I need doesn't make me feel more rested, rather more tired. My dad had made a rather large breakfast, so I went into a little food-coma afterwards. Decided to indulge myself and read fan fiction in bed whilst sporadically petting my sister's dog because he was whining for attention. When the time was around 2:00 pm, I finally finished the fan fiction and decided to do some proper reading (curriculum). But it was cut short because my sister's dog was whining. So I went for a walk/jog with him that lasted between 75-90 minutes. The jogging part was unintentional despite my workout gear. It started raining quite a bit at the end, so I ran the last part home, to avoid getting completely drenched. It didn't work very well, but it was fine because I was planning on showering the dog anyway. I think the walk/jog tired him out, because he's not whined once since we got home. I did my exercise routine, and had a shower  before I started reading again. I'm trying to get into exercise-mode again, because my exercise has been suffering during summer due to a lot of different things. But goodness, it's really tiresome exercising. I'm going to try to work more yoga into my exercising. Anyway, I'm going to eat and have a break from studying now. And then I'll carry on for a bit before bed. Ugh, this weekend passed too quickly. Oh well, nothing you can do really. I'm not looking forward to waking up early tomorrow, and the early train stuffed with people. Bah! But it's good. Another day, another adventure. 

she don't feel the same about us in her bones

Hi there! I think there was one other person at school today. It was a tiny bit creepy, but I've been at school when there's close to no people at school before. I did get a bit of reading done, so I'm happy with that. I read a chapter about our skeleton (anatomy) this morning, and tomorrow I'll read about illnesses and diagnoses that's related to the skeleton. I am reading all of this to prepare for my praksis, so it's not for any exam. Though I'm not sure if it's a part of the curriculum or not. I also got a few other school-related things I need to get done preferably within tomorrow. It's just so much, and it's a constant struggle between wanting to be productive and do school-stuff, and to just chill and spend time on social media. Ugh. I've also spent loooooooaaaads of money on school-related things today. It's safe to say that I won't be much of a big spender this autumn. One of the things I've invested in, is a new computer. Finally-- I've been thinking about buying a new one for years now, and Monchita has probably been telling me to get a new computer for a year now. I'm constantly scared that my current computer will shut down, and I'll end up with nothing. I've had this computer for five years, so I'm not sure how I'll adapt to the new one. I was reading up on all the features on the chosen pc, and I was like "what the hell is that?". Everything is so modern these days, and I've not even chosen a really new model. I think I'll mostly use the new one for school-related things, so I'll still be using this for personal use as long as it will have me. Main point is that it sucks spending lots of money on things, when it could potentially have been used on travelling. To this very day, I remember listening to my teacher's sister-in-law telling us how she would rather spend all her money earned on travels rather than her drivers licence. Lols, I'm currently listening to a playlist on my iTunes consisting of the 25 songs I've listened to the most. And Diana by One Direction is one of them. I am really surprised, seeing as the mentioned song was one of the songs I didn't like from the album. I am really looking forward to hear some new music from the lads, though I'm a bit nervous about change of directions. I had this very strange realisation yesterday: there's loads of beautiful men in this world (well, loads of beautiful people, but). Like, I was just walking past this man who looked absolutely gorgeous, and I got this realisation. I've got this thing where I don't like staring at people, but man, I'm trying to get more comfortable staring at people so I can stare at gorgeous men. Maybe it should be one of my new years resolutions for next year? (my goodness, I am so strange. Can't believe myself sometimes). Speaking of new years, I also had a realisation today that it's soon Christmas. Or, well, not really. But it's getting darker at night, and it's obvious that autumn is coming (or already here). Might be time to bring out the jumpers again. Oh, I am going to write about Dublin soon. I've just not finished my own diary of Dublin yet, so it might take a bit of time. But hey, here's a picture of legs on sofa's and chairs in the lounge room at HTL Kungsgatan in Stockholm. Goodness, I really love that hotel. It's almost tempting going to Stockholm just to stay at that hotel. Alright, I must go to bed if I want an early start tomorrow. Sleep well x. 

she's made of outer space, and her lips are like the galaxy's edge, and her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place

Hiya. I've been watching The World Cup almost all hours all day, and there's more drama than the usual television programs I usually watch. I just got home from the airport again, it's starting to feel like my second home. I'm only joking, but I've been to the airport so many times these past few weeks, even more than I enter the local mall. I just wanted to say that I've actually let my parents borrow my camera, so the next few weeks there might be old pictures or just pictures from my phone. It feels a bit strange, being without my camera. I've had it for four years, I think, and it feels like a part of myself. But I figured it would be a good exercise, not spending so much time taking pictures. Although I have started taking less and less pictures lately. I really want to try buying a disposable camera and try taking two pictures each month, so it can last me a year. And by then I'll surely have forgotten about some of the pictures I've taken, and it'll be a surprise once I get the pictures. My birthday is coming up, but I'm in this sort of mood where everything just feels like such an effort. Like, I was lying on the sofa all day yesterday, skipped exercise, and ate three ice lollies. Hopefully I'll snap out of this mood shortly. I went to the mall yesterday, only just managed to not buy myself some glasses (I've got so many strange guilty pleasures), and got home with some seamless undies. And I've got to tell you (about the latter), it feels like not wearing any underwear, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. Yesterday I saw a picture of Joe Jonas and Dougie Poynter (from McFly), and my jaw dropped for a second. Only for a second, because I remembered that Jonas Brothers and McFly knows each other from before. I was just a bit surprised because there's honestly connections between everyone. (Jonas Brothers did a concert at Wembley once, and they had McFly on as a guest. McFly has been the opening act for One Direction for a few gigs on the WWA Tour, and they've written songs with Niall. Dougie Poynter is in a relationship with Ellie Goulding, who Niall has previously been rumoured to be together with as well. Ellie Goulding took over for Zane Lowe on the BBC Radio 1 yesterday, and she posted a picture of one of her exes Greg James -- who also works at BBC Radio 1 -- on her Instagram. She also played Skrillex during the two hours she was on the radio, and he happens to be one of her exes too. It has also been rumoured that she dated Ed Sheeran, which she denied. But I'm pretty sure he confirmed, and now there's rumours about his song Don't being about Ellie Goulding and Niall Horan. Ed is very close with Harry Styles, and they've always been very supportive of each other. Harry only just posted a picture of himself downloading Ed's new album. And Harry happens to have met Joe Jonas a few times, and they both happen to be exes of Taylor Swift, who again is great friends with Ed Sheeran. It's like a full circle, sometimes). I'm probably going to spend today reading, eating more ice lollies, watching more football, and just chill. I've got work the next four days, and then next week I'm only working for two days. Which is great, because Ale is visiting that week. My brother just came by my bedroom and threw money on my bed. I think some fell to the floor. I looked at him amused, "alright?". "It's money for your birthday, since I'll be gone". Apart from Monchita, my whole family has been travelling lately. I know Lynx and Grepper were off travelling the same weekend I was in Stockholm. And then they've just been travelling this previous weekend as well. They're travelling again in August, only stopping by at our house for a bit. Volla left last Sunday, my parents left today, and then my brother is leaving on Sunday. We'll be on different continents. I hope we'll get everyone gathered once this summer, that would be really nice. Anyway, have a nice day x.  

Midnight memories. Baby you and me, stumbling in the street singing

After spending Friday packing, I took the train to Sugar where the whole kilo-gang was gathered. And we did the stupid mistake of staying up too late. It didn't occur to me until I was tucked into the bed, that his was our first sleep over together. And I exclaimed this excitedly to the others. I think I woke up at 4:20 am, and I don't want to know when I actually fell asleep. But it's safe to say that we were all very tired when we arrived at the airport. My head felt very heavy, and I was hoping that I'd fall asleep during the plane ride, which I didn't. Because we had an early plane, we couldn't immediately check in at our hotel room. We put our luggage in storage boxes, before we walked the few metres to Drottningsgatan, a big shopping street where we sat down at a cafe. I was thinking to myself "how the hell am I going to enjoy a concert when I'm this tired?". When my belieber friend and I arrived in our hotel rooms, it was almost like we'd never seen a hotel room. We were saying things like: "oh my god, look, they've got a telly!". That's how enthusiastic we were. But the thing is that it was the two of us who decided on the hotel-- HTL Kungsgatan. And it's a completely new hotel, only opened back in May. We booked hotel reservations before they had even opened the hotel. So of course we were a bit sceptical, at least I was. But once I got inside the room, I was so excited to see the room. We already knew it would be small, but it was actually bigger than I had expected. But the thing with small rooms, is that the design is more interesting, because they have to fit everything inside the room. "HTL Kungsgatan is the smart and affordable option compared to traditional hotels in Stockholm. HTL gives you a boutique hotel experience at an affordable price. Our rooms are smaller, but they’re also smarter. By paying attention to every detail, we pack lots of quality into our rooms. This means you pay less for a great experience". I think they were really on trend, because they had incorporated white marble bedside tables, and the lamp above the bed, where I was lying, was copper. And those two things are very in fashion in interior trends. I tried explaining this to my belieber friend, who I'm not sure was listening to any of my rambles. After settling in (lying on the bed for a bit, taking pictures, changing my top), we headed outside again. Somewhere in between I asked my belieber friend if it would be such a smart idea to be drinking alcohol when we were all so tired. In the end we agreed that this would be a weekend of making bad decisions for our health. It's probably why when I got home on Monday, I walked around like a zombie. And I slept until noon the next day, still tired when I woke up. Usually I always get a bit depressed whenever I get home from travelling. I was still tired yesterday, so it wasn't very apparent. Not until I saw the footie match between Brazil and Mexico on telly yesterday. Not until this morning when I woke up, and I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Not until I was eating my breakfast all by my own. So, maybe, I'm not post-travel depressed, but I'm sad because I miss spending 24/7 with my friends. Soz I'm going to be posting about our trip forever (or like, until I stop being sad about being home). 

One Direction, Where We Are Tour 2014, 14th of June, Solna

Before the concert. Whenever I go to a concert, I forget most of the show within an hour afterwards. Not because it's been boring, but because my brain doesn't memorize everything I see. However, I do remember a lot of feelings. This is the tale of my experience with the One Direction concert at Friends Arena on Saturday the 14th of June (and it's for my own sake that I write this down, so you can just ignore this blog post, because it's going to be hella long). As you might know, One Direction has quite a few younger fans, which I think is the reason for why they don't allow any alcohol. So we bought a bottle of vodka at the airport, and with me being a bartender, the ratio between alcohol and mixes (soda, energy drinks) weren't that huge. I got a few comments on the drinks being "strong". The whole kilo-gang was gathered in my belieber friend and I's hotel room, and we were listening to my belieber friend's One Direction playlist (or summat). Before this we had been at a MAC counter, because the girls were looking at make up. And the counter was playing One Direction songs in preparation for the concert, which was ace. It was very easy to differentiate the people who were fans (people who were singing along to the songs), and who were not. I had scrapped any wish to look good at their concert, and I went with a warm jumper and my Nike free runs. It's the best decision I've done in a while. After the drinks in our hotel room, we went to find a restaurant. I had some lovely noodles, which I've been craving since Sunday night. We got quite big servings, so when I was full, it still looked like I had just gotten a plate of noodles. We stopped by the hotel for a quick trip to the loo and whatnot, before we ventured on and tried to find our way to Friends Arena. We had an inkling of how we were going to get there, but not much more than that. The hardest thing about travelling to another country, is probably trying to understand their public transport. We ended up taking a sort of train, after my belieber friend and Sugar had been talking to some Swedish people. The great thing about One Direction concerts, is that their fans are so easy to pick out, so we just tried to follow the people who were fans. After walking for a few minutes after the train ride, we finally spotted the stadium, and it was huge. We went straight to the toilets, and then my belieber friend and I went to find our seats, whilst Kiwi and Sugar went to get us some drinks (which I ended up spilling at the end of the concert). My belieber friend and I were linked at our arms, and we stopped in front of the door that would open the way to our seats. I don't know why I remember this so distinctly, but maybe it was because I got ready mentally. I can't explain the levels of excitement I felt, once we opened that door and stepped outside to see the whole stadium. I was overwhelmed, anxious and just bewildered. It's honestly one of the most crazy sights I've ever seen. "I felt like the king on our national day," I said to my belieber friend sometime this weekend. I think this is one of the things I'll remember for a long long time. 

5SOS and the start of the concert. I was surprised to realise that out of all the songs during 5 Seconds of Summer's set, I had only listened to four of them. But once they did play the four of them, I couldn't help but sing along. They're really good, and they had quite a long set, so it felt like having an additional concert. And you would think they were the ones headlining, before the concert-- because almost all the music videos and commercials were about 5SOS. Anyway, they were all really good, and really fun too. It's my favourite thing I think-- seeing artists having fun on stage. After their set, there was another half an hour maybe with random music. One of the songs were of course Macarena, and the whole stadium started doing "the macarena". Kiwi, Sugar and my belieber friend were very enthusiastic. They sang the "heyyyy macarena" part in a very deep note, which made heads turn. It's one of the things I remember a lot, turning around to see my friends dancing like crazy, and looking like they were having a really awesome time. Before the concert, I didn't really have any expectations for the concert, and once the concert started, I was still quite "eh". But after the second song, when Kiss You started, I was sold. This song was actually one of my favourite performances at the last year's concert during the Take Me Home tour. Whenever I watch a video of One Direction, I watch it a lot of times in order to see what everyone's doing. However, when it's live, you have to choose what to focus on. So I spent almost the whole concert focused on Niall, because of obvious reasons. So it's almost like I was only watching a concert with Niall and not all of One Direction. I was watching videos from the concert yesterday, and I went like "oh, that's what he was wearing" about Harry, because I realised that I had almost not watched him at all.

Surprises and "crotch grab". The band played a bit of Mamma Mia by Abba, which the crowd loved. Because hello, what is more iconic (for Sweden) than Abba? It was really good because everyone were singing along, even after the boys (Liam, Niall and maybe Harry?) stopped singing along. It's one of my highlights actually. I loved watching them perform Right Now, because they're so on point with vocals on that song. And it's slowly becoming one of my favourite songs from the album. I especially love listening to the harmonies during the choruses. The only thing is that I think there was something wrong with Zayn's microphone, because I could barely hear his solo's during the whole concert. So when Niall did the backup singing at the first chorus of this song, you could almost only hear Niall. A wonderful surprise was when they performed Diana. It's not my favourite song, so I've never actually seen a video of them performing the song, so I was surprised to see how well they (Niall) performs the song. And I do remember myself screaming out the lyrics. It really is a catchy song. My belieber friend poked me in the ribs, and looked amused after Niall had done some hip thrusting in beat with the song. At least that's why I think she poked me. Niall is a delight to watch on stage, I think. And that might be biased, but I still think it's true. During Better Than Words, I don't think I ever looked away from him. I mean, of course I was going to watch him do his infamous "crotch grab" during his solo. I think maybe the screams went a lot louder then, but I didn't realise because: 1. I was in my own world. 2. My hearing was probably a bit damaged by then. People keep calling it a crotch grab, but I think it's more like pressing the heel of his hand against his crotch in a downwards motion. (I'm clearly invested in this, seeing as I have explained it in detail). It might be similar, but it's different. Like, it's more subtle? If he were to grab his crotch, to me; it would signalize indulging in pleasure. Whereas what he does signalises suppressing the pleasure? I don't know if this gives any meaning, but to me it does. My belieber friend pointed it out afterwards, saying something akin that it was hot. Whereas Kiwi had been looking at Harry's version of a "crotch grab". He does a similar motion, except upwards, and it's just a lot more different. Niall actually looks down during his "crotch grab", which amplifies the signal of suppressing pleasure, and like the motion is something private. Whereas Harry looks at the crowd while he does it, and he almost always drags his shirt/t-shirt/jumper up slightly-- he's such a tease. He'd be a good stripper, probably. Oh god, now I can't stop picturing Harry standing by a pole half naked with a tiny pair of pants (or boxers as Americans says), with one of his big hats, and his glitter boots.

The blonde one. Something I remember very clearly is watching Niall being very smile-y. Though I preferred looking at the boys instead of the screens, I'd sometimes look at the screen. One time it was Zayn's solo, and he looked so serious. And in the background, Niall walked past with a grin plastered on his face, probably smiling at something Louis had said or done. When I say Niall is a delight to watch, it's because of his enthusiasm and it's easy to see how much he genuinely enjoys being on stage. He's not afraid to make a fool out of himself, and he dances along to their songs. He jumps around, and he hangs with the guitarists when they do guitar solos. I love One Direction, but I don't think anyone loves One Direction more than Niall. If he'd have his way, they'd be doing this until they turn fifty. When they were in Glasgow, doing Radio 1's Big Weekend, they did a interview with Scott Mills which turned into a mini documentary thing. Liam was just talking about how Glasgow was important to them because it was where they did their first gig, when Niall comes to sit beside Liam. And Liam asks Niall what the venue of their first gig was named., which Niall of course remembers the name of. In addition he remembers in details how it looked like. My friends commented on how the crowd screams a lot for Niall. It's funny because they said the exact same thing last year too. I don't know exactly why, but I think it's a thing in the fandom. The fans used to be really worried about Niall feeling under appreciated (this is like back in 2011- early 2012?). So I think they felt a need to make him feel appreciated, and they did that by screaming whenever he sang his solos. I'm not sure if this is still a reason for it. It's a thing that has lingered, I think, and you can hear it whenever they sing some of their old songs like Moments. But there's also a lot of screaming for him during the new songs, so it might just be because he's a lot of people's favourite. Even the people who has other favourites also enjoys a bit of Niall. I'm glad I was sat at the side we were sat, because I think Niall was turned toward us quite a bit. Especially when they were on that little stage that seemingly grows up from the ground. I spent a lot of time grinning and waving when he was waving at the crowds on our side. Also, when they sing Little Things, he always end up singing the last bit of his solo straight at the camera. And so if you watch the screen, it looks a bit like he's looking at you. Gave me the shivers, I tell you. Also, yes please to Niall in skinny jeans showing off his tiny legs, and yes please to Niall with electric guitars. Apart from the fact that I think he looked attractive, I also think he sounded great. I think Niall is great. And I'm pretty sure I said that to my belieber friend when we were in bed. I'm pretty sure I've said that to everyone, actually. 

The aftermath. The line out of the stadium was ridiculous. As it should be with little organising and approximately 60k people trying to get home at the same time. Outside the stadium there were a lot of parents waiting for their kids to meet them. That's good, but they were all blocking most of the way to the train, so we had to try getting past them all. Once we finally got to the train station, we didn't bother with buying tickets, because the lines were never ending. The problem was that we needed tickets in order to get through these automatic doors. What happened, is that Sugar followed this girl through the automatic doors. And then Kiwi, my belieber friend and I was stood wondering what we were supposed to do. Kiwi took a hold of my belieber friend's hand, and she held mine, and then she followed another person through the automatic doors. Then once we got to the trains, there were loads of people milling about, and people trying to get on the train. I said it was twenty minutes until the next train would arrive, which prompted Sugar's need to get on the train currently at the platform. She waits enough for trains at home, so I think it was instinct for her to move quickly. My belieber friend and I started jogging towards the train, when the guards(?) said we had to hurry up and get further towards the front of the train. All of a sudden Sugar and Kiwi started running like maniacs. And we were all holding hands, which means we were all running like crazy through crowds of people. Once we got on a carriage, I said that it felt a bit like an apocalypse, or Titanic. It felt like Sugar and Kiwi were Rose, and I was Jack. Save yourself. It's one of those things I'll remember probably for a long time too. 

Afterthoughts. The whole show was actually a bit more organised than I thought, and I did actually see traces of choreography. It was smart for some of the lads to be on stage and talk whilst the others were getting changed, or going to the loo. Or when Niall was gearing up to play guitar. I'm not going to lie and say that I think this concert surpassed the experience of my first concert, but I think it would be really hard to surpass it due to a few reasons. It was my first concert with them, which means my excitement level was through the roof. Plus, I feel like last year was my biggest year of being a fan of them? However, I don't want to say that this concert was worse than the last years because I enjoyed this one in a completely different way. It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure if I can. But I have loved seeing One Direction the two times I have, and I would love to see them a hundred times more. They're always a delight to watch, and with a One Direction crowd, you are allowed to yell, shout, and be as crazy as you want. And acting that way is viewed as normal. We did get a few looks from people, but they were mostly parents, and one in particular was more amused than anything. Kiwi pointed out to me that they hadn't done any Instagram questions, and I hadn't even realised. I don't think they've done them since they were in Dublin, actually. It's sad that they've decided to cut that part out, because I love the banter between them whenever they're answering strange and random questions. But I guess it's also a good thing? Because that must mean that they want to focus more on their music. I'm not quite sure why they cut it out though. I regret not taking more than one video, but at the same time I think I would regret taking videos. Because then I would want to have videos that would capture the boys all the time, which means I'd have to look at the boys through my camera lens, and I wouldn't be able to sing along as loudly because I obviously don't want the audio of the video to be me. And all of this would just ruin a lot of the experience of being on a One Direction concert, which doesn't happen to me every day. The few downsides at the concert was the thing about Zayn's microphone, and that Harry wasn't on top with his vocals. The latter has been struggling for a week or so now, because he almost lost his voice last week, if I'm not wrong. But other than that, I had such an amazing time-- I don't think it could have been better actually. Now I just want to rewind and experience it all over again, because it was so much fun. (Sigh, I'm having a post-travel depression). 

It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity

I've been lying in my bed for the past few hours, just reading fan fiction and catching up on Youtube videos. And it feels like I never left here, like I was never in Stockholm. Simultaneously it feels like I've been gone for a week. I am so tired, and I want to go to sleep right now. I got home at 3:45 pm today, and the first thing I did was to unpack. I'm the kind of person who either unpacks the second I get home, or I postpone it for a week (or even two). I didn't want the latter to happen, so I just unzipped my battered suitcase and got on with the unpacking. Stockholm though-- it was quite amazing. There was a lot of walking, eating and alcohol in the picture. And small (and big) adventures. I'll probably elaborate about my trip once I have regained some energy, and with some of the few pictures I took (I feel like I barely took any pictures at all). But for now I'll tell you about my roomie. I shared a hotel room (and bed) with my belieber friend, and I learned a few things from this new experience. One of them is the fact that my belieber friend loves balls. She likes them big, small, whatever the size (it appears that size doesn't matter to her). I get the impression that she definitely enjoys balls with a bit of a bounce in them. I've now seen her ogling balls in whatever sports shops we were in. And I've watched the glee spread on her face when she tests the bounce in a ball. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my balls.