I keep dancing on my own

Greetings. How you've been? Good? Great, me too. I'm still immensely enjoying watching Tom Odell's face in the Concrete music video. It's actually been apart of my getting ready for night shift rituals. I've not had any night shifts since before Indochina, so it was certainly strange to arrive at work so late. But it doesn't take long time until I remember how to do things, it's like a muscle memory. I used to really dread night shifts. It's strange, me, choosing an occupation with so many uncertainties. It's a pretty uncomfortable thought going to work, thinking I am responsible for so many lives, even just for a few hours. And during night shifts, the doctors aren't as available, there's less nurses, less staff. So when things get serious, you often feel a bit alone. I still don't like night shifts, but I've calmed down. Accepted the fact that I can only do my best, accept the fact that sometimes people die. I did think maybe I'd feel more dread now, as I've not had night shifts in months. But I felt strangely calm on the bus to my first night shift, the kind of calm I feel when I'm listening to re:stacks and staring at a beautiful view. I was happy, and it felt so strange. Night shifts weren't completely smooth, first one is always worst because you don't really know your patients. And even if you know them from the mornings and evenings, people aren't always the same during the nights. One of the patients got pretty ill, and I couldn't recognise what it was either. And in that moment I could've thought "fucks sake, I don't know how to do this, be a nurse, know all these things". Instead I thought "well crap, I'll just do whatever I can". By the end of my shift I was harried, hadn't finished all the blood tests. But it was fine, I did all the things I could do, and I went home to sleep. After my second night shift, I was waiting for the bus with my co-worker, and we were chatting about school and exams, seeing as he's still a student. And he asked me, if I look back at my own time as a student, what would I tell myself. "I'd tell myself to be kinder towards myself," I told him. He seemed surprised. "Wow, I've never gotten that answer before. I'll remember it," he said. It's a thing I want everyone to take to heart, to be kinder to one self. Anywho, my three night shifts are over, and I've cleaned my bedroom, opened the curtains for the first time in days. I woke up at 2 pm, thought I'd slept until the next morning. Had a meal, and then I got into a mood. Really pissed off for no reason, kind of at myself. This is before I cleaned my bedroom, and was still sat in a pretty dark room with chaos around me. I made a to-do list so I could put all my negative energy into something positive. So I cleaned my bedroom quite aggressively, printed important documents, made a new schedule, ordered a few things home. I wasn't only feeling pissed off, but also really emotional. It's kind of funny being really pissed off one second, only to being at the brink of tears the next. Human beings, eh? I'm gonna head to bed soon. I don't want to stay up too late, because I want to get back into a normal rhythm. My brother's off on a backpacking trip tomorrow, and his first stop is Dublin. I am sooooo jealous. I've hopefully got the day off. I kind of said "yes, fine, call me if you need help" at work because there's illness, and people are off on their holidays. Ugh. At least my wallet would thank me.