'cause if we don't leave this town, we might never make it out

The carry-on is pretty much packed. The rest will have to be done tomorrow. I finished reading a fan fiction yesterday, and the outcome wasn't what I wanted, it bothered me. And because of that I was a bit put off by all. I can't remember that ever happening, but the good thing about it, was that I didn't have much of a distraction when I went to bed. Usually I'll stay up reading for quite awhile in bed. But I needed sleep (still do), and I went to bed earlier than the previous days. I also had a pretty good work-out yesterday. I am contemplating doing a session now, because I'm 98% sure I won't be doing any exercise this Sunday. We'll see, I'm pretty knackered, and I mostly just wanna go to bed. Sometimes, though, the body gets an extra kick. I think I've decided to buy another tracksuit-- loungewear for the win. Just had a flash of me, age 70, walking around in my tracksuits and sneakers. Hopefully my grey hair will have been dyed purple too. That's my one goal in life it seems, having purple hair one day. Right, I think I'm actually going to exercise now. Tomorrow I'll be reunited with the nephews and meet my niece for the first time. Volla decided to come visit too, so she's already there at the moment. It'll be nice, probably. 

I'd never ask you, cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say. You'd say "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way"

A few moments after I'd posted yesterday, I burst into tears. And then I cried for like an hour or so. It was a lot, enough and not enough at the same time. It's been a long time since I've had a proper cry. It's been a stressful day, and I could probably cry again. Not because it's been awful, but just because sometimes the body feels exhausted mentally. But to be fair, I did have a pretty busy day at work. I'm looking forward to the weekend and some reprieve, but then again being around my nephews and niece will surely be tiring. I'll be drained by the time I come home, and then I have to find time for helping Volla with her staircase. We'll see. I met Carla (my description of her is: A girl I had my first "praksis" with and was in my first study group. She talks a lot and complains a lot) in the wardrobes after work, and we reminisced back to that time everyone from our "praksis" group got together at her place and made dinner together. Ah, good times. She also invited me for a coffee, which I nodded to, but declined in my head. It's good memories, but I try to avoid negative people. It's just tiring isn't it. Like, isn't it enough that your own life is the biggest challenge ever, but then you have to listen to others nag about theirs. I don't mind just complaining, but when a person is just incredibly negative, and that mood just seems to be a big cloud. I'm going to do a bit of exercise, and then have a nice shower. I am hoping to go to bed early tonight. Could do with a lot of sleep, really. Imagine just relaxing, getting a tan on. I could do with some holiday indeed. 

I hate to say I want you when you make it so clear you don't want me

Space at work is sometimes limited when there's a lot of us. Personal space isn't always a thing. I especially felt that today as the doctor and I were standing squeezed together in each others personal space. I still feel a bit stressed today, and it's annoying because I am worrying about something that I shouldn't worry about. It's a unnecessary stressor. In these situations I am good at trying to ignore the subject, but I know that only makes it worse. So instead I force myself to walk through it, step by step. It's the only way my brain will find peace. When I got home today, I found a parcel in the mailbox. It's part of the skincare I ordered the other week, and it's just in time because I'm soon out of one of the products. I am pretty tired, which I'm not that surprised by. I'm also in an emotional mood, and I'm about to cry (nearly just did cry when I watched Sam Smith perform. In general, his songs have always been a tear-jerker). I've spent most of my day relaxing, and I'm going to spend the last few hours before bed reading. Life really is too short, and we ought to do more of the things we want to do. 

you are my sunrise on the darkest day

Ale got me obsessed with the new Justin Bieber song. It's not actually his, and just saying it's "his" makes me feel bad for the actual creators. It's mostly Spanish, and it makes me want to dance. I've not yet picked up the second book in the dystology I started last month, and April doesn't last forever. I think I've decided to give up on one book a month, purely because I hate making myself reading a book when I'm not in the mood. I could obviously finish reading several books during one month if I forced myself to do it, but it defeats the purpose of having a good reading experience. Yesterday evening was a bit sombre for me, thoughtwise. There's so many problems across the world, it's hard to not drown in it. I've watched a bit too much of the news of late, I think, and I suppose this is my weak spot. One of the thoughts I've held on to during all of this morose thinking about the world problems, is that people shouldn't ever feel entitled. If we could just stop people who feel entitled to things that they've got no right to, I think we'd probably achieve world peace. But then there's global warming too, right. Either way, it just seems like we're doomed, and it's hard to find purpose when you feel like that-- hopelessness. On the other side, it's inspiring to see what people are doing. It's inspiring to see how many people are getting educated on important things, how many people who are engaging in politics. And to every person who does anything bad, evil, there's so many more doing good things. I am in my joggers again, my very beloved joggers which I think I might have to buy another pair of. I find that I look partly douchy, but it also brings me joy. I'm going to do a pretty intensive work out, which will hopefully lift my mood. I've got a few things I ought to do this week, but the motivation is pretty low. The good thing, is that I'll see my niece by the end of this week. 

I am not the one to sit around, and be played. So prove yourself to me

Annoyingly I couldn't remember last time I changed my sheets, and I've neither taken a picture or documented doing it on my blog. Luckily I could only just spot a part of my pillowcase in a picture I'd taken. I think I actually need to write down each time I change my sheets in a diary or something. Ale left a few hours ago, in the bloody snow. The weather has been pretty nice, though cold, this weekend. But it's done a 180 today. Regardless, I've had a good time with Ale visiting. We watched a fashion show, and then a somewhat famous Norwegian person sing about making crispbread. We've seen The Beauty and The Beast in cinema, watched a tennis match outside in the cold (I don't really know anything about tennis), discovered a new restaurant, played cards. It's been a pretty relaxing weekend, but also busy at the same time. We bumped into an old classmate, which was a strange coincidence, because Ale had just been talking about bumping into the same exact person a few years ago. We also saw Oyster at the busstation-- she'd been at a concert. Yesterday we met up with Marble to have dinner, and it was a delicious experience. All in all, it's been a good weekend, and it won't be too long until I see Ale again. We've planned a trip to Amsterdam, and we're going to live on a houseboat, which is pretty exciting! I feel like my life has been full of strange coincidences of late, and yesterday Kiwi tagged me in a post about an avocado-restaurant in Amsterdam. After Ale left this house, I watched a bit of Elementary. It's the American version of Sherlock Holmes, and though I much prefer the British series, I am open to the Sherlock Holmes -universe in general. Also, Lucy Liu is amazing. I've also done my Sunday-chores today, including changing my sheets. I am going to catch up on things and just relax for the rest of this Monday, wearing my beloved tracksuit. Although it's been a relaxing weekend, it's also taken a lot out of me. 

it’s just text book stuff, it’s in the ABC of growing up

The other day, I caught up on correspondences with my Tumblr-friend. I've postponed answering his questions about life, because I just find that I can't actually answer anyone about it fully. Sometimes I think we were meant to start speaking with each other. Sometimes all of the coincidences seems to add up like proof. Whether it was meant to be or not, I am always grateful for his presence in my life the past years. Obviously, he's just another person, like everyone-- but sometimes I consider him my adviser of life-related things. But then again, other times I just think of him as a stupid man. Great praise, huh. I didn't sleep until 4 am, because I just couldn't stop reading a fan fiction. It was too exciting and full of cliffhangers. I slept for six hours, which isn't that great. And then my period came along, finally. The pain intensified, as per usual. I was feeling rather crap to be honest, and my mood just seemed to get worse. I had a mental list of all the things I needed to do, and I couldn't make myself do anything. Funnily enough, I watched a vlog, where the person was very much in the same situation as me. I think that just made me decide to get dressed and get out of the house. I went to the post office, where I dropped off this hilarious birthday card for Monchita, and a parcel. After having to tell me what to do several times, the guy at the post office asked: "sorry, was I repeating things too quickly?". I was half-way out of the door before my brain could even come up with an answer. "No, I just am not top form today," I said. Maybe I was thrown off my his different hair-do. But then again, I did the same thing in the two other shops I stopped by. The trip out of the house did wonders for my mood. And then, my niece entered the world today, so that was great news. I'll be able to see her in about a week, and I am a bit apprehensive about holding her. It's just the feeling of holding something so delicate, so fragile. I'm excited to see how the nephews have reacted to her presence, and just how the dynamic of the family has changed. Volla has recruited me to come help with a part of renovating their house. So in the near future I'll probably be visiting them, maybe before the wedding. I haven't decided just yet. I just hope I can somehow persuade Mog to make that dish he made last time. Before any of these trips will happen, Ale is actually coming to stay tomorrow. I've not seen her this much since she still lived here, I'm sure. I am going to do a bit of exercise now. I've actually been pretty good this week, which is nice. 

there's a boy I know, he's the one I dream of

Frankly, I've been waiting for Easter to be over so I can go to the bloody shop. I found myself thinking that I couldn't remember it lasting this long last year, but then I realised I was travelling last year. In fact, I think we flew from Phuket to Kuala Lumpur this day a year ago. We left the hotel which was more like a stereotypical motel, and a guy who looked fifteen, drove us to the airport. Despite losing my phone in Kuala Lumpur, the memory doesn't overshadow all the positive experiences I've gotten from the place. Eating sushi for the first time in ages and feeling more at home with proper civilisation, not to mention watching the light show playing My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion). The latter is still one of the most memorable things from my trip. I think it's because we were a bit on a high from being in a proper big city for the first time in ages, and then we accidentally stumbled upon the light show. It was unexpected, and that's why it was so good. As of late I've been looking for a face sunscreen, and it's taken me quite awhile to buy something because I find the task rather tedious. I just know that a large percentage of sunscreens will feel sticky and all the other things related to a sunscreen. It makes looking for a good one even harder. But I did end up buying one whilst perusing the Internet the other day. In fact, I ordered skin care items, some of which I needed to restock on, and some I've wanted to try. I'm looking forward to when they'll finally find their way to my mailbox. Lynx snapped me a picture of her getting ready to go to the gym. She's literally just a few days away from giving birth, and here I am not doing any exercise. I just hope I will be motivated enough this week. I am currently experiencing a pimple that might appear-- which I think is due to a mix of not exercising, and just hormones. As it is, I am patiently (not so) awaiting my period if it ever bothers showing up. The joys of irregular menstruation. 

with your presence and your grace, everything falls into place

I started my day at 7 am this morning. I woke up naturally, and I've actually slept through the nights for at least two nights. I didn't get out of bed until two hours later almost, when my stomach was yelling at me to get some breakfast. Think I've been in a headspace of my typical Sunday, because I've cleaned the house through. Apart from doing the dishes-- Monchita did that. I de-cluttered three drawers in the living room and re-organised them. It was very satisfying indeed. Once I was done cleaning, and then making lunch, I decided to put on make-up, just because. Some days I actually want to wear make-up, and the days I know I'm not going outside, I usually try to experiment with some eyeshadow. The weather has gone cold again, and it's been snowing the past few days. Luckily it hasn't stuck to the ground, and we've still got spring-like weather. Due to Easter being around, the television is showing a lot of family movies, I find. I watched the whole of Despicable Me for the first time yesterday (I've probably seen the first 15 minutes six times), and it was good. Had a proper laugh. I'm currently watching Ice Age, and it just reminded me of how far computer animated films have come. Ah, computer animated films is childhood, but it's I also enjoy watching them now. The parents are gone, and Monchita is off seeing her friends for the last night she'll sleep here. 

down when the walls start shaking, I'm ready for you to find out

I almost had a nap today, but I stopped myself just before it was too late. It wouldn't be good for my night's sleep if I did succumb to the nap. I've not managed to motivate myself to exercise still. I just think I am too tired, which I think is my pms, seeing as my period is around the corner (according to my Clue-app at least). My mood also feels a bit flat, but also highly volatile other times. Upon walking home today, I noticed a driving lesson with a motorcycle. Today that consisted of the "student" and the "teacher". I have however, never seen a motorcycle just lying on it's side on the road. The teacher had to get off his bike, so he could help the student. Slightly amused, I turned around to cross the road to my house, and my dad's just sat in a chair with a cup of tea in our driveway. Our house is by a main road, and the driveway fronts the road. So we rarely sit in the front of the house, because the backyard gives us more privacy. However, he'd just been planting new thuja hedging in the front garden. It's my dad's birthday, and he's had the day off, and this is what he does. That being said, my dad's a pretty handy person, and he enjoys making use of his hands. I think all of my siblings have attained that trait, though in various levels. My parents and brother will be on their way to Lynx tomorrow. Monchita is staying behind, and I'll be here as well. I've spent the last few days (apart from the times I haven't been free) emerged into someone's version of the Sherlock Holmes universe, and to my great joy, they've made a series out of it. I've just finished the last chapter in the last part of the series thus far, and it's glorious. It always feels like I've found the gold whenever I find fan fiction that I really enjoy. It's like a treat, really. 

when I saw you on that stage, I shiver with the look you gave

Traipsed downstairs this morning to discover my brother visiting. I'm sure my mother nagged him to come home to eat. I was happy to see there was wonton soup-- one of my favourite dishes ever, probably. The siblings and I sat watching animals on television, before my brother had decided he'd had enough. So Monchita and I tagged along with him to his apartment. It was Monchita's first time seeing the place, so she got a bit of a tour. My brother had bought a board game for reason I didn't really listen to, but we sat down to play a round. I lost, which I already knew would happen before the game started. Regardless, it was fun. After chatting for a bit, the sister and I decided to leave. We we're getting hungry, but stopped by Oyster and Mars' house. We did the kind of thing that no grown-ups do these days: we just stopped by without calling or texting on beforehand. Luckily for us, they were actually home. We had a bit of a chat on the bedroom floor of their younger brother-- my hands were distracted by lego. Upon arriving at home, we discovered that we had visitors. It was some of our extended "family" (not blood-related), and the kids were playing in the garden, which was a really nice sight. It reminded me a lot of my own childhood running around like that. My mother made spring rolls yesterday, which we had for lunch today. It's not that often that I eat spring rolls, but sometimes it's the best thing ever. I didn't exercise today-- in fact, I haven't all week. A bit not good. I will endeavour to be better for the next week. I've got work in the morning, which I'm dreading a bit because I'm not sure how well I'll sleep. And the normal dread before a shift, because you never know when it's gonna be hellish. 

you look pretty good down here, but you ain't really good

I was truly knackered when I last wrote, and in reward I got to sleep through the night. It's been the only night this week though, and like clockwork, I wake up around 5.30 am. Sometimes it is my bladder, but quite a few times it's just like "ah, right, I'm still alive". Sometimes I get to fall asleep relatively quickly again. Other times I have to wait for a few hours for sleep to find me again. Monchita is coming home for Easter, and my mother wanted to make spring rolls for the occasion, so I went to do a big shop. Lynx also asked for me to buy her coffee. So I got dressed in my work out gear, because sometimes I just don't want to wear proper clothes. I went into the posh Nespresso shop, which I've never considered walking into before. Firstly because I don't drink coffee, secondly because it's always seemed too posh for me. It's the kind of store where you take three steps inside, and there's already someone to offer help. Instead of just giving you the bag of coffee you've just purchased over the counter, they walk around the corner to deliver it to you personally-- almost as if to spare you from reaching your arm out. "Can I help you?" the lady asked, and I showed her a picture that Lynx had sent me. I bought a hundred capsules, and when I received the bag, the lady asked if I didn't want a cup of coffee. "Erm, I don't drink coffee," I answered. Yesterday I was reminded by an Instagram-post that Harry (Styles) was releasing his single. I listened to Harry co-hosting the Breakfast show with Grimmy, and it truly brought back a lot of fond memories. I can't say the song is my style, but it seems so distinctively Harry's, and that's all it needs. After spending so many years in a group where everyone tries to infuse something of themselves, it's nice to hear all of the boys' personal taste. Sign of the times is a grower on me, I think the lyrics are great. To me they seem slightly political, about the world today. I especially resonate with this part: "We never learn, we been here before. Why are we always stuck and running from the bullets, the bullets?". I might be projecting, really, but that's the beauty in individuals trying to interpret things. I've almost done all of my Sunday-duties before Sunday. I just felt a lot like my bedroom was a dirty mess, and like it was uninhabitable. It was more of a psychological thing, than the truth, but the psyche can be far itchier than the physical. The family is perhaps driving to Lynx and co. next week. I've opted out, seeing as I'm already going to be there the week after (I think). We're taking shifts of visiting, it feels like. Volla and Mog are there now. Speaking of that couple-- they've got the funniest wedding gift list I've ever seen. That being said, their invite was pretty humorous too, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.

holy hands, oh they make me a sinner

Haven't I just been on a rant about my sleep? Well, I slept pretty poorly tonight, and sometimes that makes me even more of a thinker. So whilst making my breakfast this morning, I gazed somewhat philosophically out of the window, and I thought to myself: "I have never been one of those great sleepers. Probably never will be, and this is how my life will be". What a depressing thought. I am fine with less sleep for a night or two, but if it's less than a certain amount, I just can't be 100%. Understandably, surely. Today it's one of those days where I just don't feel very good. Nauseous, a bit dizzy and just tired. Every task just seems so tiring. Like, I am supposed to exercise, and have a shower, but it's the last thing I want to do. Hopefully my tiredness will make me crash tonight. On the other hand, the lack of sleep has let me advance my Sims characters. The slightly annoying thing about the app, is that you can't actually speed up the time? At least I haven't found a way to do it, and it's kinda annoying to wait actual eight hours for them to be done with their shift at the fire station, or the four hours it takes to make 250 candles. Interestingly, though, I think that might be a part of why it's not so boring? It's very confusing to me. I've made a "Wade Briggs" because that's how creative I am. I've also made a "Josh Thomas", but he was added last of three. So Wade and Josh aren't the ones who are involved, which is a bit strange considering they most definitely are in Please Like Me. One of my characters are getting ready for parenthood by making themselves an espresso. Best just get starting on that caffeine! Ah, Sims, you're hilarious. I watched a dance choreography yesterday before bed, and my breath was taken by the last dancer. I think her performance is utterly mesmerising, and she gives off a "badass witch" vibe to me. That is a positive vibe, by the way, witches are awesome. I urge you to give it a shot. 

that girl is a real crowd pleaser

I downloaded a Sims app yesterday, along with a car race game. It's what kept me up until 1 am. I can understand why I chose Sims, but not the car race. I woke up at 5.30 am, when I had set my alarm for 10 am. I think my sleeping patterns have changed this year, and I've started waking up at least once a night to go to the loo, which is normal for most. But it's a new thing for me. That being said, I drink a lot of water. Anywho, I went back to sleep at 7 am, and I ended up snoozing until noon! I haven't slept that late in forever, so I've been feeling strange all day. I ran downstairs to put on a load of wash, seeing as the weather has been great throughout the whole day. Then I cleaned, as per usual. Although I forgot whether or not it was time to change my sheets. I've got a routine, but I haven't got the best memory. So I often use my blog as a tool, as a way to document things. That's why I'll mention things like "today I changed my sheets", or take a picture of my bedding, just so the future me can look through the blog to see when I did it last. The joys of not remembering things. After cleaning, I just looked at this painting that's grazed my room for the past four years, and to this day I just cannot believe Marble's skills. It's possibly the best gift I've ever received. The twenty-year old me was joyous upon opening the gift, and it still gives me very fond feelings. I've sat outside in the sun for a bit, reading Sherlock fan fiction, as you do. It was nice because not only was the sun warming, but the air itself was warm. And that's a nice sign of spring, if not summer. I'm going to catch up on some Youtube now, then work my buttocks for tonight's exercise. Gosh, that did sound a bit crude. I just do exercise focused on my legs and bum on Sundays (usually). 

Our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this. We've got differences and impulses

I bought the lamp! It's a dusty pink colour, which I find is a nice contrast to the slightly industrial look of it. It softens it slightly. Regardless of the colour being trendy, I think dusty pink is a nice colour-- it's charming and soothing in my eyes. I shall look forward to it light up my world like nobody else. I am hopeful that it will accompany me wherever I will live. Have you ever done a massive online order and then ended up sending back 90% of it? Oh well, I think I found the perfect black skirt, which is something I've been looking for. I've tried on countless of black skirts, hoping they would be the one. So when I saw the skirt in it's package today, I instantly thought I'd have to send it back. But no! It fit me perfectly. As I was watching Please Like Me and eating my breakfast, my mother said: "I think we should look at tickets to China". She was thinking late May, right after my sister's wedding. I like to consider myself as a pretty spontaneous person, but it was a bit too sudden for me. I've got work to think of in June, and then Ale and I've been talking about travelling together in June. It's nice to keep busy and all, but I think last year was tiresome enough. I don't need to repeat it. I did tell my mother this, and I guess we've postponed a possible trip to the autumn. We did talk about doing it last year, but then we didn't end up doing it. We'll see, I guess. I did buy tickets to Lynx and co., however. I overheard mother facetiming them, and the kids were being loud and obnoxious, and I thought "I don't actually want to go there again". I did just see them in February, and that felt like enough for months. BUT, I didn't see my youngest nephew before he was three months, whereas I saw the oldest just two weeks after his birth. I do still feel a bit bad for that. Poor middle child. Today I put on a liquid foundation for the first time in mooooonths. It feels strange, almost a bit wrong. Don't think I like it, actually. But it was nice to just try it. At the moment I've got this massive spot that hasn't come out yet. It's just beneath the surface, waiting for it's opportunity. It's the kind I hate the most, because it feels like it's there forever. Happy Saturday-- I've had crisps, chocolate and an ice lolly already.