Time's running out. It's always running out on me, as the road up ahead disappears

Å skrive et gjennomtenkt blogginnlegg er alltid krevende. Jeg vil skrive ting som kommer rett fra sjelen, men jeg ønsker også ha en orden i det jeg skriver. De siste årene har jeg innsett at det å stadig være bevisst over tiden, kan anses som et kjennetegn av voksenverden. Går helst ingensteds uten den digitale klokken min som gir meg nøyaktig oversikt. Hvert sekund teller når du springer omkring huset for å finne de tingene som skal ned i vesken før du springer ut mot busstoppet med ti sekunder til gode. Da gjelder hvert sekund, kanskje ikke så mye nå som jeg sitter inne på rommet mitt og nyter den rosa himmelen. Å leve i nuet har fått en ny betydning for meg. Det betyr ikke at jeg skal kaste fra meg alt og kjøpe en flybillett til Maldivene og finne meg en jobb som kan betale for den neste flybilletten min. Det betyr ikke at jeg på en fredagskveld skal dra ut og omsider finne drømmeprinsen (kongen?). Jeg har innsett at det betyr at jeg må sette meg tilbake litt, innimellom, og se på helheten. Det betyr at jeg må nyte de tingene jeg gjør. Riktignok er jeg tjueen år, og jeg har andre ønsker og drømmen enn da jeg var atten år. Mine venner har kommentert at jeg i blant minner om en gammel dame, og jeg skal ikke si i mot, for det er nok sannheten. Jeg er i stadig endring, noe som jeg kanskje først har innsett ordentlig i år. “You're always you, and that don't change, and you're always changing, and there's nothing you can do about it.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book. Jeg leste dette sitatet i november, og jeg trengte det. Det siste året har vært bra og dårlig, og jeg har nok aldri vært så forvirret over livet. Det har nok mye med at jeg snart må gi slipp på sikkerhetsnettet mitt – skole. Jeg har vært veldig skolelei, men likevel klamrer jeg meg fast i tittelen: «student». Det har vært en del av min identitet de siste seksten årene. Jeg hadde heldigvis ikke tenkt så mye på det på starten av året, men det begynte å gå opp for meg i sommer. At det ville være min siste «sommerjobb». Neste år er det kanskje bare «jobb», det jeg skal drive med resten av livet. Høsten kom raskere enn forventet, og jeg gikk ut i praksis med masse tanker i hodet. Jeg er en tenker- det er bare slik jeg er. Men det innebærer at jeg stadig grubler over ting som ikke alltid er like nødvendige å gruble over. Ikke ta sorgene på forskudd, sa han. Jeg foretrekker å gjøre en ting om gangen, å bli ferdig med en ting før jeg starter på det andre. Men jeg innså tidlig at det ikke ville fungere for mitt siste år på dette studiet, og startet å lese til eksamen allerede i august. Det gjorde noe med meg, tror jeg. Jeg hadde så stort fokus på den kommende eksamen, at all energien min gikk dit, fremfor praksis. Jeg følte at jeg ikke gav noe særlig av meg selv i praksis. Veilederne mine sa stadig at jeg måtte være veldig skoleflink fordi jeg visste mye av det jeg pratet om. Men jeg hadde jo egentlig bare lest om det før jeg skulle ut i praksis. Jeg følte meg som en løgner, der jeg stod og smilte og unnlot å rette på ordene deres. Det var en lang stund denne høsten at jeg ikke følte meg som meg selv, som om jeg hadde mistet en del av meg selv. Jeg hadde blitt en jeg ikke likte, og jeg husket at Ale hadde snakket om noe lignende før. «Åh, så det var dette hun følte,» tenkte jeg. Det var merkelig, for jeg har egentlig aldri hatt en ordentlig identitetskrise, og det var ikke før nå jeg virkelig kjente at jeg ikke visste hvem jeg var lengre. Bare å skrive dette gir meg en dårlig smak i munnen, for det er en slik klisje. Da jeg kom tilbake på skolen hadde jeg fortsatt denne følelsen av at noe ikke var riktig, at jeg manglet en eller to skruer. Men jeg kom meg litt ut av det igjen. Og det var kanskje ikke før i slutten av november at jeg følte meg som den personen jeg er. Jeg føler meg fortsatt litt ustø, og jeg vet nå at jeg ikke alltid vil være like fornøyd med meg selv. Og at jeg stadig er i endring. Taylor Swift skrev litt om forandring i forordet i CD coveret sitt, og hun hadde en ganske positiv vinkling på temaet, som jeg syntes var oppløftende: «Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn’t it wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?». Til tross for denne identitetskrisen min, har 2014 kanskje vært mitt beste år på denne jorden hittil. Jeg har alltid tenkt at jeg har vært heldig med menneskene i mitt liv. I år ble jeg godt kjent med enkelte mennesker som tror har påvirket meg mye. I mine øyne er enhver relasjon til et annet menneske viktig; enkelte vil ha stor påvirkning, andre vil ha mindre. Likevel så vil de påvirke deg. I år fikk jeg oppfylt en drøm om å dra til Irland etter bare noen få dager med planlegging etter ideen ble diskutert. Etter år med å lese bøker av Marian Keyes med skildringer av ulike deler av Irland, fikk jeg endelig dratt til landet jeg hadde drømt om så mange ganger. I had the time of my life, som sangen sier. Det er nesten så jeg ikke har ord for det, og jeg husker da vi satt på flyplassen og ventet på min venninne som fløy til Irland via en annen flyplass som om det var i går. Jeg hadde det beste selskapet – to av mine beste venner. Sånn sett fikk jeg oppfylle en av mine drømmer i et selskap som ikke kunne vært bedre. Jeg var også heldig nok til at jeg fikk dratt på en jentetur til Stockholm med venninnene mine, der jeg fikk sett 1D «in flesh» for den andre gangen i mitt liv. Jeg tror jeg alltid vil huske sene kvelder med fotball-vm på tv’n, vodka i vinduskarmen, og da vi løpte for å rekke toget/banen hjem fra konserten. Enhver gang jeg ser for meg det sistnevnte, er det alltid som en scene rett fra en film. Min bestevenn har flyttet, og jeg sa farvel til atter et barndomshjem. Jeg fikk vite at jeg skal få en ny nevø det neste året. Jeg feiret min søster og min svoger i bryllupet deres. Jeg husker alt, og ingenting. Men jeg vet at til tross for mye slit og mange hindringer, så har 2014 vært et fantastisk år. Det er mange mennesker som har hatt stor betydning, og om jeg skulle ha valgt en artist som var viktig for meg i år, så ville jeg sagt Sam Smith. Uten tvil. Før jeg forlater dere med gode ønsker, vil jeg at dere skal lese dette utdraget om denne generasjonens jenter, og dette utdraget om at man ikke alltid må følge hjertet. Håper på at 2015 vil være et bra år, og at jeg lærer mer om meg selv, og at jeg har flere positive opplevelser. Mine nyttårsforsett er å ikke være så hard på meg selv, og gjenoppta treningsrutiner og et sunnere kosthold enn det jeg har hatt de siste ukene. Håper dere har en fin feiring i kveld, og at dere har ting dere kan se frem til neste år – uavhengig hvor stort det er. Det er betydningen som gjelder. 

every time I turn around something don't feel right

For Christmas I got the three things I wished for, and a lot of things I didn't explicitly wish for. This jumper is one of the latter. It was the first present I opened, and the one that I probably was most happy about, because look at it! It's got a father Christmas, Christmas tree, presents, snowflakes, snowman, and bells! It is obnoxious, tacky and loud, and it's surprisingly something I love. I even wore it out at the mall the other day, because I'm so in love with it. I've worn it every day since Christmas eve, though not 24/7. Lynx commented to Volla: "she really does love that jumper", after seeing me in it through Facetime for the third time. I'm going to wear it until the next year starts, which is soon. Did you know it's New Years Eve tomorrow? I was asking my brother which day it is, and he said tomorrow, and I said "but it's the thirtieth today!". He looked at me, and said "yes.." probably waiting for me to realise it. I just thought there would be more days of this holiday. I don't want this year to be over just yet. Work yesterday was good, though I was a bit late after the bus was almost twenty minutes late. Ugh. Anyway, I got to be with some other patients that I've not been with since summer maybe. It was really good, and nice to see them again. I woke up this morning, starting the day with a fan fiction, which I've done the whole holiday. Then I went downstairs to have breakfast whilst I watched Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. I sang along to the songs whilst drinking my green tea, Monchita eventually joining me to watch the thing. I felt a bit nostalgic to five years ago when I was obsessed with Niley (Nick and Miley, oh the good ol' days). I also got a flashback to their music video for Paranoid, which is always going to be the death of me. Scratch that, Nick Jonas will always be the death of me. Especially with his 1968 Ford Mustang, it's so pretty! Later today I think I'm going to watch One Direction: Where We Are - The Concert Film, which I'm looking forward to because it includes Better Than Words, which was not included at the cinema. I did actually want to read a really angst filled fan fiction and cry, but I don't feel like it at the moment. I am going to do a bit of boring things like washing my makeup brushes, file my nails, organise my schedule, etcetera. I've had very strange dreams as of late, but the recurring theme is the people from my past. It's really strange. Anyway, have a good day xx. 

Aren't we wasting time, playing hard to get? We did that when we were younger

I don't enjoy the time before I have to get to work whenever I don't work morning shifts. In time I guess that'll fade when I get more used to it, but now as I seldom work more than once a month, it irks me to think that I won't be home in the warmth to enjoy some more reading. I've been reading fan fiction with the pretend relationship theme. I don't even care what fandom it is, I just love the trope. It's why I love The Proposal, and why I spent hours until 2 am last night to read about Derek and Stiles (Teen Wolf-- I don't watch it, though gif's of them have appeared on my Tumblr desktop a lot) pretending to be in love. Exercise yesterday has made my body hurt, but in a good way. I thought maybe I was going to cry during exercise yesterday, because I've not done any in ages. It's honestly the longest period of time I've gone without exercise in a year or so. It was nice getting back to my routines, and it actually makes having a shower much better. Like, the sweat you're washing away is from hard work, so it gives you a sense of satisfaction? I don't know, maybe it's just me. I'm currently reading as many fan fictions as I can before I have to go get ready for work. Hopefully it'll be a good shift, and maybe there will be some Harry Potter on the television when I get home. Though the last movie was on television yesterday, so maybe not? Wow, did you know that Severus Snape dies? I was not aware until yesterday, and it broke my heart. My sister said: "I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, but I will. One day". I hummed in agreement, adding it to the long list of books I'm going to read "one day". 

rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me

Christmas this year has been a calmer affair than last years, and I'm very happy with that. I'm going to write about a few of the things I can remember, and it'll probably not be written chronologically. Soz for that. Volla forced all of us to taste my mum's pickled cherries. They smelled vile, and tasted it too. Regardless of that, she ran after us and threatened to drop a cherry on our belongings, which made us give in. It was hilarious, and I will not get over my dad's face when he tasted it. Ugh, so bitter. My brother has been annoying as per usual; distracting me whilst reading saying "hey, there's a ghost behind you" every five minutes. We were talking about my nephew, and I told the family about the time he insisted on jogging, and then he insisted to jog in the ditch instead of the actual road, because apparently "I will get cycled on!". I have a video of it, which everyone saw, and it's been an ongoing joke ever since. We decided that it's something we'll have to show him once he turns eighteen. My mum got the same chocolate from myself, Monchita and my brother. Albeit in different packaging. I ate a load of it yesterday, because it was surprisingly good. We were all stunned when dad whipped out his phone to take selfies in front of the tree on Christmas eve. Didn't realise he knows a few things about technology. My brother forgot his keys in -16 Celsius yesterday, and everyone was out of the house. We were at the mall to have a walk around, seeing as we've mostly been cooped up in the house, eating food and watching films. I thought my face had turned into ice, once I stepped inside the mall. I bought two new lip balms because mine disappeared a few days ago. Then I lost one of the ones I bought yesterday. Don't you think I found them both at the same place? Behind a chair in the living room. Oh well, don't have to buy new lip balm in a while then. We facetimed Lynx and co this morning (and a lot over the past days), and we got to see my nephew on skis for the first time. It was hilarious. Honestly, he's such a strange person, my nephew. They'll actually be here in less than two weeks, so that's really nice. Get to see my sister's belly more properly then. Volla left today, and myself and Monchita followed her to the busstop in our pj's. We don't own any shame, so we were just smiling to the cars driving past us. Volla tried getting us to wave, and I initially said to Monchita: "as long as we don't have eye contact with anyone". It's been nice to have my sister home, especially for my mum I think, and the rest of the family. I got to see her in October, whereas the others haven't seen her since the wedding? I've cleaned my bedroom, whilst listening to Swifty. Now I'm going to put an order on a few books, then for the first time in over a month, I'm going to exercise. I did want to reread a really sad fanfiction, but I suspect it's too long for me to finish it in an acceptable time. I've got work tomorrow evening, which I can't say I'm looking forward to, but it's eh. Mostly I just don't want to get out in the cold. 

the branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves

Oh my god, I just had to go outside for a bit because I discovered the most amazing sight on the sky (the last picture). It's apparently called "polar stratospheric clouds". I don't I've ever seen it before, but once I did see it, I knocked on Monchita's door and told her to look out her window. We went outside to look at it, and she joked: "it's like I'm on acid". And like, holy shit, it really is. I said: "we don't have northern lights, but we have this". I've also been comparing it to oil mixed with water. Oh dear, I've been staring at it for so long now, that my eyes are starting to hurt. It's like magic. I wonder how it looks like through an air plane window. The weather gods must have been listening to my prayers because the outside is covered with snow. Hooray, and I genuinely thought it wouldn't be snow for Christmas this year. I formed a snow ball yesterday, after taking the trash out, and I learned that my aim is horrible. Well, that's not true. I've always known that my aim is horrible. Anyway, the snow was perfect to make a snow man or snow lights, but I was far too busy being glued to the television. I watched Jamie Oliver cooking for Christmas whilst reading a book by Jill Mansell (good fun, but it'll be forgotten within the week probably) and simultaneously listening to Christmas music. After watching a double episode with Jamie Oliver, there was the handball matches. My goodness, when I watch sport I'm usually very vocal about my opinions, and I do a great deal of shouting. However, sometimes I go all silent and I don't breathe properly because I keep holding my breath. Yesterday was one of those, where I just couldn't get myself to breathe properly because I was so anxious. And what a finale! Norway won in the end, and I almost cried. The finale was probably Norway's best match in this championship. And you know what? Kudos to all of them, seeing as half the team is new? Can't wait to see how they'll do in the future. I have finally cleaned my bedroom and put the furniture back to it's belonging spaces. Don't ask me what I've been doing. Anyway, I watched Up this morning, whilst finishing that book by Jill Mansell. I've got to write this thing for my new "praksis" and it should probably have been done ages ago, but I haven't bothered yet. Hopefully I'll finish it today so I'll be over with it. Later tonight I'm going to watch X Factor and whatever Christmas movie is on, because Christmas is about being glued to the sofa, I think. Have a good evening, I might go outside again, because I can't get over the sky and the clouds. It's fucking unreal. 

Didn't you flash your green eyes at me? Didn't you calm my fears with the Cheshire cat smile?

What a tiring day, and I've not even had one piece of chocolate! I woke up at 8:30 am, after having really strange dreams I can't quite recall. Got out of bed at 9:20 am because I'm lazy, and it's my Christmas break. Had breakfast and got ready. Went to the mall around 10:45 am, and spent the next hours walking in circles, it felt like. I've counted now, and I walked trough 26 shops, some of which several times. Oh my god, I thought I was going to go crazy. I decided to have a little break, so I walked to Oyster's house to drop off her present. She wasn't home, as she was revising for her exam at the library. I got a little bit of a tour anyway, chatted with her younger brother and left with a cake in my bag (from her mum). After the short trip I went back to the mall, this time I had decided what I was going to buy, so I finished my shopping and stopped by the library to say hi to Oyster. It's a bit strange, her living so closeby. I could have bumped into her at the library earlier today, because I did stop by to hand in a book I finished reading yesterday. But she was sat further inside, so I didn't see her. Anyway, when I got home I sat down to wrap all the presents I bought, and my goodness. In total I've spent three days buying presents this year, and I'm already done. It was due to organisation, and basically down to people wishing specific things. When I was wrapping presents (one of my favourite things to do), I started getting a head ache, or it might just have become worse. Had some food and tea which made it a bit better. Then I went to the post office. Oyster asked me how many times I've been there now, lols. I had to get another parcel, and I also sent one off. Hopefully this was my last time at the post office this December. When I got home I had a little facetime session with Lynx and David because Lynx had called me earlier. A week ago or summat my mum and I had a facetime session with them, and Lynx had mentioned that she wanted a homemade bauball with pictures of myself in it. It's a present I made for each of my siblings a few years ago. So, the other week I made one, and it was sent off amongst other presents. Apparently they called today to say that it had broken. I'm not very surprised seeing as it was surrounded amongst other heavy presents. Oh well. That does make me think that the parcel I sent off today will also break, which is great. Oh dear, I can only hope. Yesterday I watched handball, and I thought it was a good match. Though Norway has won most of their matches, I don't think they've been particularly good? But I thought yesterdays was definitely an improvement, as I thought they played a bit more consistent. Before the match though, I actually decorated the tree. It's been standing bare in the living room for weeks now, and I finally sat down to decorate it yesterday. We have a plastic tree, which we've always had, though this year my dad bought a new one. It is over two meters tall. And did I mention that the Christmas decorations have gone awol? Well, most of my precious decorations have disappeared. And it hit me again yesterday, how angry I was (am) that it's gone. Admittedly I have gone and bought a few new additions because I was afraid that the tree would be all empty. It is a bit more sparse, but I think it's mostly because the tree is bigger than I'm used to. Also I've gone for a silver/red/white theme, which I always prefer. But the problem is that among the decorations we actually have, there's mostly gold and blue bauballs. I think it looks alright, and I was happier with it this morning than I was yesterday, so that's that. To be fair, other than Lynx maybe, I'm the one who cares most about the tree, or decorations at all. And that's not what Christmas is about, is it? I am off now, to drink tea and eat chocolate. And just enjoy that I'm done with presents. Have a good evening xx. 

He's what you want. I'm what you need

En indre ro senket seg over meg da jeg hadde tatt av meg skjerfet og kneppet opp de to knappene på kåpen min. Håret klisset seg til pannen med svetten som rant. Omringet av bøker og stillhet, lot jeg øynene vandre over kjente omslag og titler. Åpnet bøker og inhalerte lukten, leste dedikasjoner og første sider. Samlet bøker etter bøker i armene mine, til jeg bestemte meg for fire. Forlot biblioteket med et smil om munnen og minner om lange stunder i barndommen tilbrakt på samme sted. Forlot roen for folkemengder og stress. Gikk fra butikk til butikk, tok omveier for å unngå de største folkemengdene. Endte opp med tunge poser med julegaver, fornøyd. Glemte av tiden og måtte gå raskt hjem. Kneppet igjen kåpen og surret skjerfet tilbake rundt halsen, pustet lettet ut da jeg kom ut igjen. Til frisk og kjølig luft. Rakk å hive i meg noe mat før jeg gikk ut igjen for å vente på bussen som på en snø-dag og i trafikk-rushen var tidlig ute. Så den kjøre forbi og bad om at den bare var sent ute. Klokken tikket, og jeg innså at bussen hadde vært tidlig ute og at jeg ville bli sen fordi neste buss var sen. Filmen skulle starte 17:00, og bussen kom kjørende 16:53. Innsiden føltes tilnærmet den gang(ene) jeg har vært nær å miste et fly; pulsen skyhøy, og tankene går i hundre. La lommenes innhold i posen, gjorde meg klar for å løpe. Tok meg i underkant av ti minutter å løpe til kinoen, og jeg tenkte at dette er den meste treningen jeg har gjort på lenge. Vi snek oss under båndet og fant frem til salen. Vi satte oss ned, forvirret, med urevne billetter i hendene, da vi innså at våre seter var tatt. "Er det riktig sal?" spurte hun. Hun så på billetten sin, og jeg så på skjermen mens pulsen min sank, roet seg. Det ble mørkt i salen og filmen startet, jeg sparket borti setet foran meg ved et uhell. Det var riktig film, og vi kunne endelig slappe av. Innså at det var dumt at jeg hadde valgt å ta på meg maskara da tårene rant, og aldri ønsket å stoppe. Tørket bort så mye jeg kunne, og da jeg endelig hadde sluttet, skulle Bilbo forklare hva Thorin var for han. Tårene kom strømmende igjen, og denne gangen orket jeg ikke å bry meg om sminken. Da jeg steg ombord på bussen smilte busssjåføren til meg, og jeg tenkte at han kanskje visste alt som hadde skjedd med meg i løpet av dagen, om roen, stresset og Bilbo Baggins. Innså at det kanskje bare var ren høflighet, og at han ikke var en tankeleser. Det er fem dager igjen til julaften, og da jeg våknet i morges trodde jeg det var sommer. 

may all of your Christmases be white

The exam went pretty much to shit, which I think it did for pretty much everyone. Today I realised just how "out of it" I really am at the moment. In which I mean that I don't think my brain understands what year it is, or anything for that matter. I almost wrote 17/14 as the date of my exam. Hopefully I'll get better after a few days off. I've been thinking of this exam and reading for it since August, I think. So tomorrow will actually be the first day where I don't have to think of my exam in months. Right now my head feels a bit like it's going to explode. Admittedly I woke up at 5:00 am this morning, not being able to sleep more, though I was dead tired. Ugh, and I watched a bloody foul handball match which Norway lost. They didn't have to win to get through (and there's been a lot of ill players), but I still think they should have done better. It was just awful to watch them play so bad, and it just made me more agitated and angry. Also made my head feel worse, so that's that. However, after my exam today, I went to eat with the kilo-gang. On our way to our chosen destination, we met Darren. I suggested that my belieber friend should try to scare him in some way, but I was obviously not quick enough, because before I could get an answer, she was in a haze of love and skipping over to him. I got my eyes on you. You're everything that I see (guess the Drake song). Anyway, after we bid our goodbyes to Darren after sufficiently complaining to him about the exam, we ventured on. For once we finally got a more secluded seating in our somewhat regular choice of restaurant, and it was really nice. I had a salad which is a bit strange choice for me, but for once pasta or pizza weren't tempting. We all had some chocolate fondant, lols. Sugar left us around 4:20 pm? And the rest of us were sat there until we were practically thrown out, which is when we decided to look at the new mall at Aker Brygge. Mostly I liked the Christmas decorations and all the trees. The mall was a bit eh, not for me. Then we went towards the train/metro/tram, but went on a detour into a toy store, which was huge. I reckon I'd love it if I was a child. Kiwi found a jacket she fell in love with. Only it was a bit too small, seeing as it was for children. I found a few bits that I think my nephew would have enjoyed, but I've already bought his present. But I also found one of my favourite childhood books, which I think I'm going to read during this break. After looking through the store, we finally went each our way. I gave my hugs and happy Christmases' to Kiwi and my belieber friend, and some stranger we passed (although not a hug). Instead of going straight home, I had to stop by the post office again to fetch another package. Didn't you know it's my new home? Because it is. Right. I am so knackered right now, so I have to go to bed. Tomorrow will be a great day, and I'm loving the snow. Yes, that's right! It is actually snowing at this very moment. Thank you weather gods-- it's very kind of you. 

Are you sleeping, baby, by yourself? Or are you giving it to someone else?

Woke up to lightly snow coated roads and roofs. It's made my day. Admittedly this picture is from last winter, and the snow that's outside will probably disappear throughout the day. Yesterdays handball match was awful to watch, and I didn't know whether to pull out my hair or not. Luckily Norway made it just in time, and won. In midst of my anger I went on Twitter to see what everyone was saying, and someone calm and collected pointed out that it was good that they had a foul match at this point in the championship rather than later. I thought to myself that people are really good at being calm and collected in moments where I'm not, and that this person was right. Guess what? I left the house again yesterday to the post office (again!) because we're sending off Christmas gifts to Lynx and co. Funnily I got a same exact package in return from Lynx. It was around 8:00 pm when I arrived at the post office, and I was surprised to see just how many people who were queuing up. When I was done, the line was so long, people had to stand outside of the shop. I also didn't end up reading much curriculum as I switched it out with a One Direction fan fiction for once. I sort of knew that if I didn't read it then, I'd read it today. So in that sense, it was a good decision? Lols. As much as I enjoy LOTR fan fiction, it doesn't beat 1D fan fiction in angst. Also, I'm still wondering how things I read can make my insides hurt? Can someone please explain it to me? I have spent this morning actually reading curriculum and explaining things to Sally, who seems to have the nerves I haven't got. The things that does make me nervous is still the thought of not being able to answer anything. Like, imagine if the exam is about everything I didn't revise? But I have sort of just come to a conclusion that there's not much I can do with it. If it happens, it happens, and I'll just have to try come up with the best answer I can give. I have also been nervous about oversleeping and forgetting that I have an exam. I mean, I can barely remember the days any more, and I can't tell you how many times I stop and think "wait, is it Monday?". Yesterday evening my dad knocked on my door and said: "shouldn't you be asleep if you're got an exam tomorrow?". I told him that it was on Wednesday, but when he left I still felt a bit panicked, like, what if I had been wrong? I am just going to spend the day try to revise and relax. And I am going to have a nice and warm shower, as I am blessed enough to live a place with a proper shower. Then I'll coat my nails with some varnish. Hopefully I'll also have a good nights sleep, rather than a restless one. Have a good day to everyone, and good luck with whatever you're doing x. 

I built you a house from a broken home, and I wrote you a song with the words you spoke

I have in all honesty not stepped a foot outside the door since last Saturday (6th of December). And I hadn't planned to go outside until the day of doom-- also known as the day of my exam. So when I went for a quick trip to the mall today, I had not expected the wind and slippery roads. Some fresh air has been good to my lungs, and I finally managed to stop by the post office. I have not done much revising today, or yesterday. Mostly I've just been reading LOTR fan fiction, which might be the death of me this time. At least it's not One Direction that's distracting me from revising this time around? Oh well, I figured it would do me good to relax a bit before the exam. And I'm still worried about when the stress will arrive. It's only two days left until my exam, and it's still not here. Perhaps I'll skip it altogether. Though I haven't done much revising today, I will do some later on. I watched One Direction's performance on X Factor yesterday. My goodness, I was definitely surprised to see Ronnie Wood join them on-stage. Watching Harry and Niall during the performance, it seemed like Christmas had come early. I know they're both huge fans of The Rolling Stones, and watching Harry attempt a grind on Wood was highly amusing. Anyway, I thought they did good, it really is Niall who sings the first verse! Was very proud to see him singing alone in the spotlight for like half a minute. Zayn also did something (when does he not?) with his voice which nearly made my insides melt. It is definitely a tune I can't wait to see them perform (ah how cool! I sometimes forget that I'm going to see them again). I must go now, seeing as I have a handball match to watch. Have a good evening x. 

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Hello earthlings, yesterday I woke up at 10:00 am after having closed my eyes at 4:17 am. It was a very bad decision to fall asleep that late, but I could not keep myself from finishing yet another fan fiction. As it seems, I have developed a fondness of LOTR fan fiction. It is to my big dismay and glee. Yesterday was not a good day for my bod, as I felt something akin hangover. Sluggish, if you will, after sleeping so little. As if that wasn't enough, my hand/arm was not in a prime condition either. I have dealt with sore fingers after hours of writing, but the sensation I felt yesterday I have rarely stumbled across. Pulsating pain, is what it was. My hand felt a bit numb, then a bit cold. I was frightened and believed that "oh deary me, I've gone and gotten my self an embolism". Even after hours of rest, my hand didn't feel much better. And even after the victory in the handball match I was watching (and my goodness gracious what a match that was!), I was still feeling pulses of pain, which left me feeling a bit impaired. I went to bed a bit worried, but I felt my pulse in both arms to compare (a. radialis and a. brachialis), and it seemed fine. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better since I had gotten a proper amount of hours of rest. But my neck has been stiff after hours of reading, and I decided to do a stretching routine, which was a very good idea. I have not used my arm for writing thus far today, and I think I might avoid it until the exam. I can't imagine sitting at the exam locations, crying due to pain in my arm. I shall bring with me some pain medications just in case. Hopefully this thing will pass, and I'll be back to normal and worry about the weather and Niall Horan. The latter and his band is going to perform Where Do Broken Hearts Go (it is a very long name to type every time I mention it), as it was confirmed by their official Twitter account. Although Louis seems to have caught a bug, and might be too ill to perform. I hope not-- though the lads did look dashing without the Tommo yesterday at yet another award show (thank goodness for Harry not wearing something ill-fitting again, though I despise the overly matching outfits), there was a lack of a turtleneck wearing Tommo. It is really strange to see "One Direction" without all of the members present, it makes me feel like it is an unnatural thing. So I'm crossing my fingers for a healthy band, a good performance, and a good winner of the X Factor. I must briefly catch up with Caroline (Flack) on Strictly (Come Dancing) before I go fill my stomach with something before I faint. Also, I have to get back to my precious (oooh, the allusion) fan fictions and revisions. It is three days left until the exam, and I think maybe my bod is taking the most of the "stress". Hello meltdown, where are you? 

All I need is to find somebody. I'll find somebody like you

I thought I might as well blog as I had turned my computer on. Yesterday, at 8 pm, you could find me in the sofa shouting bad words at the TV. I don't think there's anything that makes me shout just as much as watching a handball game, because the intensity is on the top almost throughout the whole game. I must applaud the goalkeeper, because she was ace during the second "round". The thing is that our usual (super) goalkeeper is pregnant, then the second keeper got hurt after the first match and had to go home. And now it's mostly all down to Solberg. It's very interesting, because our team is going through a generation shift, and there's loads of new players that I know little about. It's especially amusing to see family members with same surnames. "What am I supposed to call her??". I am most likely going to watch all the matches until the end of this championship, though maybe not on the day of my exam, because I'll be going out to share a celebration meal with the kilo-gang. I managed to see who the X Factor finalists are the other day, and I was gutted to see that my favourite is out. However the finalists are all great, so, it's a win anyway. I'm not sure if I'll watch the next episodes anytime soon. Cause the proper final is tomorrow, and the winner will be revealed on Sunday, in which One Direction are performing again! This time live, I imagine. And according to the rumours they are playing Where Do Broken Hearts Go. I can't wait, as it is one of my favourite songs, and it'll sort of give a feeling of how they'll perform it on tour. Speaking of tours; I follow Kodaline on Twitter, and recently I saw that they were releasing new UK and Ireland tour dates, and then they were going to release dates for Europe as well. And they tweeted a link, but when I clicked it, I came nowhere. Luckily I am subscribed to arrangers of concerts, yesterday night I checked my e-mail. And at the bottom of the mail was information about a new Kodaline concert. And that's the reason why I've turned on my computer today-- to buy tickets to the gig. I am going to the gig with Marble and Kiwi, the gang I was supposed to go with the last time (which was last year?? ah how the time flies by so quickly). I must go back to revising and reading LOTR fan fiction now, as time is moving far too quickly, and there's less than a week until my exam. Have a good day xx. 

they came snapping at your heels

I was reading a fan fiction about Bilbo Baggins on my phone when there suddenly was all of these little specks on my screen, the colours of a magical rainbow. A second later I realised it was only the spray from peeling my clementine reflecting the light from my phone. Yesterday, around noon, when I had a healthy lunch (left over chicken, avocado and tomato), I decided to watch the last hour of the last The Lord of The Rings movie. I've no idea what the actual name is, but for now I care very little about it. Anyway, when it was on TV at Sunday night, I figured it would be stupid to stay up so late (the movie ended around 1:30 am) when I had to do revisions for my exam the next day. But I watched it yesterday, and the lesson I've learnt with watching LOTR, is that it's never ended until it actually says "the end". My god, I cannot count on one hand how many times I was sure the movie had ended. I also ended up crying far more than I thought I would ever do. It spurred me into reading fan fictions in that fandom, though I mostly stick to fan fictions in the 1D fandom. Speaking of One Direction-- don't you think that Niall didn't put up a Christmas tree in his house like I wanted him too? Precious little child. I have been reading and reading, trying commit knowledge to my memory for the past week, and it's driving me crazy how much time it takes before I can remember anything. Yesterday I went to bed 0:38 am, which is the earliest I've done for days. Luckily it's not long until my agony will be over, and hopefully long forgotten. Until then I'll just have to deal with it. I still haven't gotten any big nerves, though I must admit that I had a wave to nervousness the other day whilst I was texting Sally. But it passed quickly, and I'm still worried that I'll have a breakdown at the actual day of my exam. Taking a call from an unknown number is always a risk. Yesterday I nailed it, because I actually answered a phone call with an unknown number, and it turned out to be the person/student I'm going to be with at my new "praksis" place. Next unknown number I didn't answer, and it turned out to be the right decision as well. Lynx have been calling me quite often for the past few days, making me run around the house to check sizes and whatnot. She's been shopping for Christmas, and eager to send packages our way, I guess. Yesterday my mum and I had a facetime call with her and David, and I was surprised to see how big my sister had grown. She's got a proper belly now. David was very chatty and had lots to say, and he looked so much bigger. For Christmas a few years ago, I made my own bauballs for my siblings with a picture of them inside. It was the Christmas we celebrated at Lynx and Grepper's house, so all of the bauballs were left behind at their house. And during the facetime conversation, Lynx asked if I'd made one of myself, in which I answered "no". She said she wanted one to hang on the tree so she could have all of us. That made my insides feel very warm. It is lovely to have my siblings splattered around the country so I can come for visits, but it's also sad because we are more apart then we are together. So I guess small things like that; personal Christmas bauballs are a good thing to have around Christmas times. It aches me that not everyone has family to celebrate with, and I was just looking through an article about foster children which made me quite sad, and determined that when I have an established relationship and my own home, I'll take in some foster children myself. I am very appreciative of my own family, though I have no problems with saying that sometimes they really get on my nerves. But still, I really do appreciate my flock of siblings and parents. Right, I must go back to revising now. I'm going to watch handball tonight, as I have the past few days. Then I might continue my "post some lyrics from a love song on Twitter late at night" thing I've got going on. Lols. Have a good day x. 

We're making enemies, knocking on the devil's door. But how can you expect me not to eat when the forbidden fruit tastes so sweet?

I found this ladybug in the house this morning, and what a surprise. It's weird that I even noticed the little thing on the floor. I went to retrieve a piece of paper and a glass, and went to put it down outside the door. Then I went back inside again, back to my life. An hour later or so, I went outside to take a few picture of the frosty weather, but my sight went back to the lady bug that was still in the position I had left it, and I instantly felt worried. It looked a lot like it was frozen to death, because it was just there. I figured maybe I could make a little shelter with a leave, but it's probably far from enough. It's made me search up "what do ladybugs do in the winter?", and apparently they seek shelter and hibernate. I have not been a very active blogger the past days, because I've slowly gone mad. It has become a daily routine to have conversations with myself, in my head. I daren't tell you what I talk about with myself, because you'll maybe believe me when I say I've gone mad. Anyway, the last few days have been strange. One day (don't even know what day it is anymore) I only ate twice: a bun for breakfast, then dinner. I went to bed around 2 am that day. Maybe it's the lack of movement that makes me less hungry, I mean it is logical. But I was still surprised when I realised how little I had eaten. Yesterday (this I do remember) I had brekkie around 9 am, then dinner around 6 pm. I find it very worrying that I've forgotten to take care of myself in the midst of this revising period. But I am not all surprised. My stomach have gone soft with the amount of chocolate biscuits I've eaten, and with the lack of exercise. When I last exercised, I honestly can't remember. I've watched more TV than I have in a long time, though X Factoor has not been a top priority. I guess it's lost it's shine. But I still get anxious when I watch the eliminations. I realised there's no way I won't see who the winner is (Twitter, Tumblr) before I get to watch the episode. What has been a priority, is The Lord of The Rings. There was a marathon during the weekend, and I watched it with my brother and sister. I don't know if you remember, but two weeks ago I was gushing about Narry (Niall and Harry), but I said that the only twosome better than Narry, is Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart. A few days ago One Direction was on Graham Norton show with no other than Sir Ian McKellen. Don't you think Sir Ian didn't have a little cuddle with Harry, and said this about Niall? I don't think I've ever seen Harry so flustered, to be honest. It's a very amusing interview, and my goodness, Sir Ian McKellen reading lyrics from Best Song Ever, wow. This song has a new meaning to me now. Yesterday evening I ditched reading for my exam (good life decisions) to read a sequel to one of my favourite fan fictions of mine, whilst watching Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood bake. My brother was moaning about why they've made such a program, and my mum was in awe of the mince pies. I suppose the brits really do love a good tea, and that's why programs like that hits home? Anyway, I really enjoyed listening to the chatter between Mary and Paul, though I will probably never bake anything of what they did. I mean holy crap, that takes a bloody long time. Admittedly the program was more of a background noise whilst I was reading the fiction on over 800 pages on my phone. I ended up finishing around 1:30 am, and I've already read few pieces over again. Today I've actually had breakfast and lunch. Hopefully I'll keep up a normal eating schedule for the next days. The snow melted days ago, and it's made me sad because I'm still hoping for a white Christmas. I was supposed to be at the post office a week ago or summat. Still haven't gone, and it's quite important as well. But in times where it's hard to face black holes, it's important to be proud of the times you do. It doesn't have to be anything big, just be proud of yourself. This is some vague shit, but that's all you get from me now. Also, another thing I'd like to say before I go back to revising: I heard the new Kodaline tune, called Honest. And I am shocked with how much they've changed their direction. I'm sad to say that thus far I am not on their bandwagon. It was actually really disappointing when I first heard it, because I was so happy about new music, and then it feels like they've completely changed from what I loved about Kodaline. Maybe the rest of the album will be good, but I'm not so sure. It seems like this is the way they're trying to go? Ah who knows, maybe I'll like it eventually. Right, dinner soon and back to revision. 

Late night watching TV. Used to be you here beside me, used to be your arms around me. Your body on my body

words everywhere, I'll write you a sonnet someday.

                         come knock on my door at 3 am, I'll come with you.   Balled up papers surrounding the bed, inked with the colour of my soul.

FULL MOON, wondering if he's out there.                  I'm going to hide here forever.

   They're poison and a blessing in my life. Every time I walk by that black hole, I'm trying to ignore that it's getting bigger.         why don't you just take a sip? cause I'm afraid I'll always just take "a sip". 

MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE, IT'S FILLED TO THE BRIM. Can't see it if I don't look for it.                               Am so fucking mad at myself I could

nervous ticks, I looked down on my own hands and realised I was pinching myself, the skin red. 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know

Today is like a continuation of yesterday. It feels like I've spent the whole day reading fan fiction, which isn't too far from the truth. Though the kilo-gang was separated today, I managed to spot everyone anyway. Kiwi and I are in the same group, so we see each other all the time. But I saw Sugar when I was walking up the stairs, and I popped into my belieber friend's classroom to say hi. It was sort of awkward, because they were starting, and the teacher was just looking at us. So we decided to leave, which is when I had a little chat with Sally, before Kiwi and I was collected by our fellow student. When I think about it, it felt a bit like the first day of school after the summer when you're just catching up with all your mates, lol. Originally, we were supposed to have yet another presentation today, but we've all complained so much about it, so the teacher let us sit in groups and discuss. I like to think I was quite animated in what seemed more like a story telling, rather than an informative conversation. I went home straight after, and I was home by 3:00 pm. Other than reading fan fiction, I've also been watching all of the vlogmas' on Youtube, and it's really nice. But it is my way of procrastinating, just as I'm doing now, really. Because I am supposed to revise for my exam, but it's just not very tempting, is it? I am quite worried over the fact that I'm not nervous for my exam. Even when I think of it, it doesn't make me clam up. It would be very strange if I didn't feel stressed at all. Most likely I'll stress about it next week. Or if I'm unlucky, the nervousness will arrive at the actual day of my exam. Hopefully that won't happen, because I can't have a breakdown at my exam. Do you think you get thrown out if you start crying during your exam? I've always seen myself as a silent crier (exception: The Fault in Our Stars. Watch it and tell me you didn't cry). Instead of being nervous about my exam, I am contemplating whether to go to the mall or not, because I want to find some new Christmas decorations. I'm starting to accept the fact that the things might be gone, and I think I'm ready to move on. It sounds really silly, but it actually really sucks. Right, I might pop into the shops tomorrow. I need to stop by the post office anyway, seeing as I didn't go yesterday. This morning was cold, but it also made me think of the winter a few years ago when -20 Celcius was just another common winter day. I've really no idea what to think about the weather this year, because it seems like the temperature is going to stay about the same as it is now for Christmas. I am just crossing my fingers for snow on Christmas eve. I am going to go eat now, then I really am going to revise for the little time left of this day. 

We found wonderland, you and I got lost in it. We pretended it could last forever

What a disastrous day. I've not done anything school related, except for that group assignment. I've only cleaned the living room, and decorated it slightly to make it more jolly. The problem is that a lot of our Christmas decorations have gone missing somewhere, which irks me a lot. Because parts of the things that have gone missing, is the decorations I've collected over the years. To my surprise, my dad had actually bought a tree yesterday, and I might decorate it soon. I just want (my dad) to find the decorations first. It is especially annoying because I usually put all the decor in one place. But last winter, someone else in the household put the decorations away, and well, now they're gone. I have a really big urge to hit the shops and buy nice decorations. But ugh, people. I do actually have to go to the post office, which is a place I was hoping to avoid after being there once a week for the past weeks. Things I was thinking about today: 1. what's the "front" and the "back" of my hands. 2. My awful coping mechanisms "if I ignore it long enough, maybe it'll go away?". 3. Niall Horan. He's been in Australia somewhere with his cousins, and my soul always feel a bit sad when the lads are so far away. But it looks like he had fun, and I think he needed it, because I think he had a few bad experiences when he first got to Australia (apparently some "fans" were shouting really rude things to him and everyone around him when he was out having lunch) for the promo. He's either on his way home now, or he's gotten home already. Hopefully he'll be back to Instagramming selfies and maybe he'll go out and do the effort of buying a tree for his house, so he and Willie (one of his many cousins) can decorate it together. Ah, but I think I read somewhere that One Direction are off to Sweden on Friday to do promo? I think I might have read it on Tumblr somewhere, so the source is probably not the best, but my sources get it right surprisingly often. I wonder when Harry Styles will post a picture on Instagram that doesn't have a black and white filter. Maybe never. Maybe this is his masterplan to get Taylor Swift back, and when he does, he'll post a picture of them together in "screaming colours". It's December, which means all the vloggers are doing "vlogmas", which means my subscription box on Youtube is filled with new videos all the time. Might catch up one some, and then I'll do proper things, like, write notes for my exam. 

we're just ash in a jar

It's been awhile since I've blogged from school. I don't even know when I last did it, I only remember doing it quite a lot in the autumn/winter of '12. Just went through a few of my blogposts, and I think this is very amusing: "I'll have you know that last week I dropped a burning match on my anatomy schoolbook, when I was trying to light a candle. It's not like I wanted to burn up my book, and it was an accident. But I can't help thinking that maybe my subconscious wanted it to burn and die". Compared to then, I feel a bit apathetic nowadays. I don't even feel stressed that my exam is in two weeks. The only thing I'm mostly worried about is being able to answer a question, which I doubt I won't be able to. I just don't know how well I'll be able to answer. The thought of not passing my exam has passed me, but I'm starting to think that I don't want to pass that exam. It's fifteen days left. I guess I'll have to see then. I got to school around 8:00 am this morning, and I'm still here, nearly 12 hours later. I'm not sure when I'm going home, but it sure brings back memories of nearly living at school two years ago-- only going home to sleep, eat and shower. I have been writing notes for my exam all day, though I did take a big break around lunch time, in which I read a fan fiction. I did also read a snippet of one earlier in the day, which nearly made me cry. My eyes have been foggy throughout the day, and it feels a bit like I'm half asleep. Also, I had an inkling that my period was on it's way, but I have an irregular one, which means I never really know when it'll hit me. Seems that today would be the day. Kiwi asked me: "are you irritable?". I answered no, sullenly, probably. And that's when I knew, that yes, my back is aching; welcome back period. Oh well. It's not been too bad throughout the day, and it's not like I'm dying (though I did complain to my belieber friend that I'm dying, but that was mostly other reasons). The kilo-gang was gifted a macaroon by Sugar today, which was nice and strange as it's not really my cup of tea. But it was one of those nice gestures which makes you happier. My dad said he would be buying a Christmas tree today, so I'm excited to see if he did it when I get home, which is where I want to be going soon. Just have to finish up some school things, because it is of course necessary to have group projects a week before the exam. Ah, life of a student. Love it. 

I go singing out of tune. Singing how I've always loved you, darling, and I always will

Hi, happy first of December! These are three of my favourite red things today: my first box from my tea-calendar, my red nail varnish that reminds me of blood (by OPI), and the red hairband that really belongs to my sister, Monchita, but who lets me borrow it whenever. Because I'm feeling a lot like a child, I might even watch a Christmas calendar on TV, but I should be writing notes for my exam, plus I've still got to catch up on X Factor from last night. My goodness, I've not realised how annoying Simon (Cowell) can be? I kept thinking that he is a major twat, which isn't entirely true. But he can be quite twatty at times. It's also the first episode I've not seen a trace of Louis Tomlinson, which was quite strange. Today I went to lectures for the first time in what seems like years, and it was good and slightly strange to see the lecturer in the day. We usually only have him for the evenings. Although I had planned to stay behind at school today, I decided to go home for various reasons, and I've just been writing notes, and reading a few fan fictions (truthfully that was before I started). Harry Styles is back (wearing a coat) in the UK (London), which makes me happy, because as I've mentioned earlier, I feel most at peace when they're all in the UK. Although Niall is currently somewhere in Australia (Melbourne, I think?), hanging out with his family there. I must admit that my exercise regime has totally been failed the past few weeks (last month, or more). I would try to get back into the routine again, but I keep thinking I'm wasting precious time. Though in the long run, it would do me more good to be exercising. Oh well, I might start a consistent program after Christmas, lol. 

let your heart be light

We went a bit crazy with decorating our ginger biscuits last night. Think we sat for two hours or summat, in deep concentration. In the end we practically just splashed on everything we could find. None of us had even had a taste of one biscuit, and Kiwi said: "I don't even think I like them". Marble was a perfect host as per usual and served us food, which we enjoyed whilst chatting about golden days. I've spent a lot of my years of "growing up" with the same people, which means we can reminisce and laugh at all the stupid things we've done. We drank (Scandinavian) mulled wine, and listened to Christmas music. It was just really nice. Sugar went home with some of her ginger biscuits, and the rest of us continued the decorating. At 11:00 pm or summat, we were finally done and decided to grab all the snacks and some biscuits to watch a film. We had planned to watch Bridget's Diaries, but the DVD player didn't want to play it. So we ended up watching Elf, which I personally think is hilarious, but you should only watch it once a year probably. At the end of the night I felt a bit like Buddy: like I had only eaten sugar all day. We were all quite exhausted by the ginger biscuit making, but then Kiwi and I got a message that our new "praksis" was revealed, which made us all jittery and loud. I kept repeating "oh my god". I don't know how to feel about my new "praksis", all I know is that I don't really want to go back to "praksis". But then I'd have to interrupt my education now, probably. And I don't think I want to do that after all these years. This morning, whilst we had breakfast, we watched cross country skiing. And it's the first time I've watched it this year. I feel all out of the loop, because I've not been updated on cross country skiing or handball, which I usually am around this time of year. I guess the exam is getting all of my attention (not really). Tonight I'm going to catch up on X Factor, though I must admit that I'm not yearning to watch it, like I have previously. So maybe it's starting to wane off finally? Maybe I'll be able to stop watching it. All I've done since I walked home (my goodness it's so slippery outside), is to clean my bedroom, listen to Christmas CD's and writing this post. So, I've not been very productive, seeing as it's been almost three hours since I got home. I am going to continue write notes for my exam soon, just have to get some food, probably. It's definitely not a way for me to procrastinate more. Happy Sunday, and happy Advent for the ones who celebrate that. Eee, it's first of December tomorrow, which means I can open my tea calendar! 

if you wanna cry or fall apart, I'll be there to hold you

Good morning! I had been dreading for school yesterday, because we were supposed to do a few exercises with some medical students. It turned out to be quite fun, and it was really realistic. In the end though, my head was full, and my body was tired. It's just not good for your body to be doing a lot of activities whilst you're stressing, and when you in addition are cold. Because all of those factors will tap you for energy. Which is what it did to me. As soon I was dressed in proper clothes, I went to the train station with my belieber friend. Well, I had to run the last bit because I was running a bit late. And to my horror, the earlier train was really late, which means there would be even more people on the train I was going to take. Eventually I did find a free seat, which happened to be next to what I suspect were two Irish people. I totally turned off my music just to listen to them talk. I was home for just over half an hour, in which I managed to eat some food and pack with my camera. Then I was off to take the bus again, and met up with Oyster and our fellow childhood friend at the grocery store. We went back to Oyster's house, and just chilled really. Last week I sort of realised it's been awhile since I'd been to Oyster's, and I knew they were about to move really soon, so I wanted to pop by. Time passes so quickly, and at the moment I'm more out of the loop than usual. I can't remember the dates, and I'm not so sure I'm always aware of which day it is. I think it's just revising for the exam, which has made my brain in to mush. Oh well, we just had a catch up for a bit, and myself and Oyster played doctor to our friend who had stomach aches. We also had a little picnic outside Oyster's bedroom, because her younger brother pleaded us to come along. An interesting thing he said, when asked how he got out of his mum's stomach, was: "I found a short-cut". It was hilarious, I thought. Still makes me laugh, just thinking of it. On a whim, we decided that we were going to the new house to bring a few bits, but also to get a tour of the house. Our fellow friend, who just got her driving licence were going to drive us. I got to say hello to her (or, which used to be hers) dog, who I've not seen in years probably. She even remembered me, and she's grown so much. I was almost cooing, where I was stood switching between petting the dog, and talking to my friend's gran. It was also really nice just to be back in the house where I spent a lot of my childhood. I like to think I have a lot of different childhood homes, really. We didn't stay long, because then we went to fetch her gran's car, filled the car with bags of clothing and boxes of stuff. Then we drove off to the new house. And my goodness, it's humongous. I can't remember how many rooms there is in the house. They're currently refurbishing the house, so I won't properly get to see how it really will be until it's done. Though, I do believe it'll take some time until they really feel like it's "home", which is only natural. But this means I'll no longer see their old house, which is really strange. After being at the new house, we went for a little exploration of a new school which looked properly high tech in my opinion. I went home last night, after demanding that Oyster would make me this and this amongst all the things I demanded. She denied my wishes, and I stomped home like an angry child. (That's not really what happened, but let's roll with the story of me being a devilish child). I do have to say that taking a bus at 11:30 pm at a Friday evening is not a good decision if you're looking for a calm and peaceful environment. Jeez, I could barely hear my own thoughts, as the teenagers were practically shouting. I got home at midnight, and promptly went to bed, because although it was a bloody fantastic day, it was also a very tiresome day. Today I'm going to Marble's, because she's hosting a Christmas workshop/party thing, and I reckon it'll be ace. Can't wait to listen to jolly music, bake, and make bunting. Monchita just dropped off a bar of my favourite chocolate. It's things like this which makes me think she's my favourite sister. Happy Saturday everyone xx. 

Darling when your feet are cold, wait up, I'm coming home. And all of you, I will hold. My love will clothe your bones

This is after Niall said he's usually the big spoon, and then Harry said he's usually the small spoon. I have so much love for Narry, it's wild. It's just hard to not smile when they are so delightful. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy it when the lads are doing promo, and Niall and Harry do interviews together. Those are the best (obviously a subjective opinion because they are my favourites). In one of the interviews I watched this morning, they stumbled across the topic of hot men. Amongst the names that were mentioned was Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, and McSteamy. The latter is incorrect, because they were talking about Patrick Dempsey, who is McDreamy. When they talked about meeting Gosling, Harry said "I haven't been graced with his presence, but we wish him all the best with his recent childbirth". I swear, he's almost thinks about babies as much as I do. As you might have noticed, I'm all about Harry's fashion sense when he's in the UK, not so much when he's around the rest of the world. But I must admit that it's definitely a yes from me for these jeans. Also, continuing this babble about One Direction-- in answer to who Steal My Girl is about, Liam answered: "Niall has a habit of just stealing girls". They really do enjoy making up rumours about him, and some are probably going to take it seriously. I think Niall's hairgame was better at the ARIAs than the AMAs, mostly because when he's got longer hair, I like it better down. Or, actually I think I just generally like it when he has it down. I think Louis' hairgame was stronger at the AMAs. Totally loved the swirly hair. I think Zayn looks heaven-sent most of the time. Niall and Katy (Perry) were cute as always. I will always appreciate their relationship, sweet munchkins. Also, this is Harry whistling after Taylor's (Swift) speech at the AMAs. I'm very conflicted as to if I want Haylor back together, or for Narry to finally see that they belong together. Also, here's Narry sharing a hug after fans have been throwing things at the lads, and Niall being sour about it. Haz then proceeds to announce that he'll be Niall's shield. The only twosome cuter than Narry, is Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart, who are honestly the cutest best friends ever, probably. Alright, I've had my daily dose of One Direction now, and I can got to bed, only to get up early for school tomorrow. Should probably start saying "ah, home, sweet, home" each time I enter school, because it does seem like where I spend most of my time nowadays. Oh, it snowed today, like more than just ten minutes. I'm so chuffed, and so ready to get into holiday spirits. Right, must go to bed. 

the bed's getting cold and you're not here

Verden er i krig hver eneste dag. Jeg tror ikke jeg har innsett det før nå. Når du har om verdenshistorien på videregående, tenker du ja, det er historien. Det er vi ferdig med. Men alt er jo historie. Om noen tiår vil nye skoleelever sitte og pugge om det som skjedde 21århundre. Om noen tiår vil det bli lagd en film om Mike Brown og Ferguson. I går ble det avgjort at Wilson, som er politimannen som drepte Brown, ikke blir tiltalt for drapet. Det skapte forståelig nok mye emosjoner, og enkelte ble spesielt ivrige. Jeg leste et sted at de fleste syntes egentlig ikke at avgjørelsen var overraskende. Det, tror jeg sier mye om situasjonen i USA. Jeg håper inderlig på en rettferdig avgjørelse, at det blir en rettsak. Men det er opp til de føderale nå. For akkurat nå er Wilson fritatt, og enda en hvit politimann slipper unna med et drap av en afroamerikaner. En av de tingene jeg ønsker at folk skal lære fra hele mediaoppslaget rundt dette, er at media er den fjerde statsmakt. De avslører løgner, men de er også med på å skape løgner. Jeg så på nyhetene i går, og alt jeg så om Ferguson var opprørene der bygninger var ofre for vandalisme. Nyhetene viser ikke de stille og kontrollerte protestene. Nyhetene er med på å sette de protesterende i et dårlig lys, og dermed gjør det mye enklere for politiet og si "men de startet det, de er helt umulige å kontrollere. Stakkars oss som må utsette oss for all denne volden og vandalismen". De blir rett og slett mer troverdige, og folk tror på deres skitne ord. Det er akkurat slik som at for deg, selv om du kanskje ikke innser det, så synes du at det er mye greiere at den som blir drept er en som selger narkotika, enn den personen som går sitt siste år på medisinstudiet. Tv kan være manipulerende, tro det eller ei. Vær kritisk til alt. Som sagt er verden i krig; vet du at min første assosiasjon med Mexico er korrupsjon? Det er fælt, men det er sannheten. De har slitt med det i årevis, og hvem vet når det blir slutt. I slutten av september ble 48 studenter kidnappet i Mexico. De hadde planlagt å ha en stille protest. 5 klarte å rømme, men resten ble levert til et narkotikakartell og tilsynelatende torturert til døden. Og hvem stod bak dette? Nei, det var jo staten, regjeringen. De har nektet å ta ansvaret slik som jeg har forstått det, og det har ført til et utbrudd av protester, hovedsakelig stille. Men som sagt er det et land som sliter med korrupsjon, og noen av de opprørerne som stadig blir tatt bilde av, det er mennesker som jobber for staten og har kledd seg ut som en av de som protesterer. De "stager" rett og slett et angrep mot staten for å få sympati fra resten av verden, for å vinne troverdighet. Husk at media velger å skrive om det som tiltrekker mest publikum, at de velger det som er mest dramatisk. John Mayer har en passende sang som heter Waiting On The World to Change, der han synger: "when you trust your television, what you get is what you got. Cause when they own the information, they can bend it all they want". 

FOUR

I've been a fan of One Direction since 2012, but they've existed since they got put together on X Factor UK in 2010. And during the four years they've been together, they have released four albums, which coincidentally happens to be one of the reasons for why their newest addition is called FOUR. During the live stream Harry said that the previous albums had names that followed a pattern, but this album is a bit different, more of a statement. So they felt it was natural to have a title that was more bold. Despite previously releasing three albums, it might have taken them this long to find "their" sound. They've said multiple times that this is an album that they would listen to themselves, and I'm not so sure they could have stated the same with their previous albums. In a review by Victoria Patneaude, she wrote: "While 2013's Midnight Memories hinted to the direction the quintet was leaning towards, it wasn't as coherent of a piece, genre jumping with each track". I thought that was brilliantly written, because it's true. Midnight Memories is a very confusing album. Even more confusing I thought, was when the lads kept saying MM had "a more mature sound" when it sounded very alike their previous albums. When I first heard FOUR, I was very surprised by the fact that it sounded like a proper put-together album. That being said, I have (and do) loved their previous albums, and I think it's strategically smart to change their sound slowly, because they would probably lose a lot of fans if they went from the sound of Up All Night til' FOUR. Though it is a much more coherent album, Patneaude stated about Steal My Girl that: "as the first single, it is very misleading to what actually follows". Traditionally, I think musicians would choose a single based on something that would represent their whole record. I might be wrong, so don't quote me on that. But Steal My Girl is perhaps the ugly duckling in this record, not meaning that it's horrible, it's just different. Liam and Louis seems to have been very involved in the writing process, which they also were last time around. As I've mentioned earlier on this blog, after watching the live stream I was surprised to learn that the boys in fact are very aware of the opinions of their fans. One of the most interesting things, about having a physical copy of their CD's, is to read the thank you notes. I don't know of any other artist that writes so detailed thank you's. They thank their body guards, caterer, vocal coach, etcetera. And they never forget to thank the fans, which I think might be one of those things I'll remember them for. All in all, I think this album is brilliant, and it is a statement as Harry pointed out. I own a physical copy of the CD, and it's even apparent in the design that they've changed their style. For instance, the CD is blue rather than red. Admittedly I only own all of the extended versions, so the colours might differ from the normal CD's. Anyway, it's a coherent album, and the songs are more guitar-based, which will be brilliant for their tour(s). I must say though, that the extended version, with the four added songs sort of ruins the coherent sound of the album. I am honestly a bit confused to as why they chose that concoction of songs. It is incoherent, and confusing. Below I will write a commentary to all of the songs on the album, maybe point out my favourites, and the ones I'm not so very fond of. 

Steal My Girl. As I've mentioned it is a very misleading lead single. I wish I could remember my initial reaction to this song, like my thoughts on it. All I know is that I was very surprised by the song, as it is quite different from their previous songs. However still "poppy", which I think was the reason behind why they chose it as a single-- so it could be a bridge from their previous work to their new sound. Admittedly it's not one of my favourites from the album, which might be because of the lyrics: "find another one 'cause she belongs to me". A woman, or girl in this case, is not a possession, and therefore can't "belong" to someone. I do understand that the boys or the other writers probably didn't have the intention to give the song that message, but still. I enjoy it when people with power do good things with it. Despite all this, you'll most likely hear me belt out the lyrics to the song anyway.

Ready To Run. This was the third song to be released from the album, and it was such different sound from the lead single, it took me a bit time to understand where they were going with their sound. The chorus reminds me of watching a Disney movie where the protagonist is getting ready to fight the horrible and invincible enemy. But I do actually quite enjoy it, and I do always sing along to it. One of my favourite part of this song is actually the end of it, and I wish Zayn would continue the song and end it in adlibs and whatever he wants to do with his voice.

Where The Broken Hearts Go. This was the fourth song to be released, but I heard a very bad quality version of this song right after Ready To Run had been released. I heard the first verse of it and I fell in love with it. I was sure it was Harry singing the first verse, but it was pointed out for me that it was in fact Niall. As he is my favourite, I instantly became more fond of the song. I will admit that I'm still a bit unsure about who sings what in this song. It is an upbeat song that gives me similar feelings to when I listen to Loved You First from Take Me Home. And because Harry wrote the song, I'm just going to believe that it's about Taylor. I look forward to singing and dancing (I've made a dance routine already. Joke) along to at their gig (only seven months to go, then), as I'm 97,8% sure they'll perform it.

18. I love Ed Sheeran if you didn't already know. I think he writes brilliant lyrics, but that might just be me romanticising him as a lyricist because I adore him. Once I read "18" at their track list, I knew Sheeran was the writer behind the song. It's always a bit funny to have the lads sing a song by Sheeran, because they switch over to a British accent. It was a bit perplexing the first time I heard the song, and Niall sing "chance" in a rather British accent. I hope someone asks him about it one day. I read somewhere that this song was clichéd, and could have been swapped out. I disagree, because I think that most songs are clichés, and they happen to work anyway. Also, I think it has a really nice build-up, and I am crossing my fingers that they'll perform the song on tour. 

Girl Almighty. This is one of the songs I restrained myself from listening to once the album was leaked. According to Kiwi it wasn't the greatest either, so I figured I wouldn't like it anyway. When I first heard this song, I was standing with a box of cake in my hand, waiting for the metro with a full bladder that was about to explode. Can't say I was very impressed by the song, but it might also have just been the situation. I've listened to it a few more times now, and I must admit that I have taken a liking to it. Despite the fact that the lyrics are unimpressive, the melody is all over the place, and Liam doesn't properly enunciate in the first verse--- I find myself bopping my head along to it (and belt the wrong lyrics out). The repeating lyrics might be unimpressive, but works in my favour, as it's much easier to remember the words. My favourite part is when the second verse starts, because I really like when Louis sings with his raspy voice. I also appreciate Liam's falsetto. 

Fool's Gold. This song is a bit like chocolate melting on your tongue, I think. Like the first verse, when Niall is crooning, it feels a bit like floating on water. Very relaxing. I am in love with the lyrics, because I think it's an important theme. It's also very angst-y, and reminds me of the song Harry wrote for Ariana Grande (Just A Little Bit of Your Heart), and The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez. In fact it reminds me of all the other songs about unrequited love. "I knew that you turn it on for everyone you met. But I don't regret falling for your fool’s gold". And my goodness, I do love all the sad love-songs. This song feels a bit like FOUR's More Than This, when I think of it. But yes, I feel very calm when I listen to it.

Night Changes. This is their second single, which first baffled me because it's really slow. Not that they haven't ever used slow songs as singles, but I don't necessarily think it's the outstanding tune of all their slow ones. However it somehow reminds me of Christmas, especially the part where Liam sings his falsetto-part. I think that is sometimes sounds like something that could be on Love Actually or a John Lewis advert. It is really beautiful though, and I think it's good for all of their voices. There's just something about Harry crooning "I'm only getting older baby, and I've been thinking about you lately". Think they did good live for the first time as well, and all the other times they've performed it. I really love Zayn's voice in this song, especially when he sings the bridge, and he always looks so breathtaking when he sings it (well, he looks breathtaking most of the time). 

No Control. "Taste on my tongue. I don't want to wash away the night before". Someone wrote that this was a bit racy song, and I didn't realise until I had read that. But I figured that it could be very innocent song, despite that line, so I went to read through the lyrics, and now I'm not so sure there's "[...] still a trace of innocence". Lol. The first time I listened through the album, this was one of the songs that surprised me the most, because it's a bit different, isn't it? It's a bit edgier, like Niall explained this album. I can't pick point what exactly, which frustrates me, but it sounds so good. I guess it sort of reminds me of a mix of The Killers and someone else. And I am totally on-board with that. It's probably good my music taste is so wide, or else I might'n't have liked this.

Fireproof. I can't listen to this song without thinking of "praksis" now, as it's around that time I listened to it on repeat every day. According to my iTunes I've listened to it over 200 times, which must mean that I like it? It's my (and a lot of others) first taste of FOUR, and I was gladly surprised to hear the change of direction. I do really enjoy the simple production, which I guess can come off as a bit boring, as it's almost the same throughout the song. Whenever I listen to it, I can't help but think that it's about Louis and Eleanor, who have been together for years now, "it's been so long, maybe we're fireproof. Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do". In the live stream, Louis and Liam said that they were proudest of this song. Kudos to them for writing so much and having so much musical input. 

Spaces. It's a song about a theme that sort of hits home. Someone on Tumblr wrote "what if it's about them and splitting up". Obviously it's not, but it definitely put a picture in my head, which I can't get rid off now. Especially as Niall sings "who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?", because he's probably their biggest fan, and I don't think he ever wants One Direction to be over. Now I can't stop imagining Niall begging the boys to stay together and crying, which, I don't think I want that in my head, thanks. It is admittedly yet another slow song, which I must admit is really surprising. They've not had this many slow songs on an album before?

Stockholm Syndrome. This is another of my favourites. I love it. It's simply straight up my street, my cup of tea, etcetera. They only sing the words Stockholm Syndrome once, which is Niall's part, and it's my favourite part. It is also the only part I know the lyrics of, ha. There's just the vibe of the song, which is quite 80's, which again hits home with me. It's a bit strange because it's Liam who sings the bridge, which is unusual for them.

Clouds. Along with No Control, this was one of the songs that surprised me the most. And I bloody love this song. It gets me really pumped up. Yet again, I can't point out what this reminds me of, but Green Day has been mentioned upon describing this song somewhere. I'm not so sure, because I don't listen much to Green Day. But it strangely reminds me a bit of Jonas Brothers' self titled album, which was a bit punk. Clouds is a bit punk-rock, I think, and I know it must sound strange that I love that, but I do. Also yes please to all the falsetto by Liam Payne. And I really enjoy the guitars in this song. I am curious as to how they decided on the name of the song though, as they've only mentioned Clouds twice in the song.

Change Your Ticket. My first thought was 1975. I've seen that none of 1975 have been credited, which I found strange. I can remember them being in studio together, but what I gather from Twitter is: "Lots of you have been asking if "change your ticket" was written by @the1975. Truth is @Truman_Black looked at helping out on it but @the1975 tour schedule got in the way and we couldn't make it work. X". Though it's not by 1975 it's highly influenced from their sound, might I say a rip-off? If they perform this song they should invite the 1975 to perform with them, probably. I know that Harry Styles (who was very vocal) really enjoy 1975's self titled album. As do Niall. From the extended version, this is one of my favourite songs. But it's also one of my favourites overall. I mean, I do love the 1975, which only makes it natural for me to enjoy this song too. Surprisingly, I actually know a lot of the words to this song.

Illusion. I'm quite neutral about this song, but it's probably the only song from the deluxe version that fits properly with FOUR. During the live stream Liam explained that the song is actually about himself and his girlfriend Sophia. However he didn't write it, he pointed out. In which Harry jokingly quipped that Niall had written it (Harry always like to make up rumours about Niall, though "Niall is pregnant" lacked a bit of credibility). Not everyone understood that it was a joke, but I mean, they have been spending a lot of time together it seems: Niall, Liam and Sophia (or should I say Sophniam). 

Once In A Lifetime. Though this is also one of the songs that doesn't sound a lot like the rest of FOUR, I really love it. It's got a similar sound to Coldplay, and therefore I was instantly drawn to it the first time I heard it. Even the first word Liam sings, "once" sounds strikingly similar to Chris Martin. I hope Chris Martin has heard the song, and that he does a cover someday. I genuinely think this song could easily fit in Ghost Stories by Coldplay. It ends with "Once in a lifetime you were mine", which is just a bit sad innit? In the future, I hope that they'll make more songs like this one.  

Act My Age. What the fuck did I just listen to, was my first thought after listening to this song. Admittedly I had heard a piece of it just before the album was released. It was accidental, because I was watching a video that I thought was promo for their Christmas special with NBC. I didn't realise it was their song until I heard them singing the words: "Act My Age", and true to the things I've been reading, it's does sound like "pirate pop". I have listened to it quite a few times, because I wanted to write something proper about it. I suggest you listen to the song when you read the following: 00:00-0:46 Sounds like an Irish jig-song, or as they fans have said: Pirate pop. 0:47-0:59 switched over to dubstep, which reminds me of Ylvis. 1:00-1:36 back to the jig and pirate pop. 1:37-2:00 ah, the good old dubstep again. 2:01-2:16 hello Irish jig and pirate pop, I missed you. 2:17-2:33 sounds like the bridge of a Christmas song that belongs in Love Actually. 2:34-2:45 the only part that sounds like a proper song, I guess. 2:46-2:59 hiya dubstep! 3:00-and the rest of the song: ends with the same as it started: Irish jig and pirate pop. I can't believe the lyrics either: "when I'm fat and old and my kids thinks I'm a joke". I mean, wow, very good. A+++. Surely the boys must have been off their rocks to choose this song to include in the album? The only relief I feel with this song, is that none of the boys have been involved of making it. The worst part is that I now know all of the lyrics, and I can't stop laughing each time I hear it. If they do decide to perform this song, I expect them to dress up like little elves or summat.