they try to romance me but you got that nasty and that's what I want

I've been watching quite a few vloggers recently. To vlog means capturing your daily life in a video. I always see people commenting in awe of these vloggers because they meet so many random people and have adventures almost every day. I read something, a quote maybe, about social media and people. By having social media, you're basically opening a door to the world. Anyone can enter through. In order to have strange and random things happen to you, you have to be open for it, have that door open. Same for adventures, though you also have to actively pursue adventures. Can't wait for the adventure to fall in your hands. Marble told me I'm naturally a curious person, hence why I'm so open to things and have strange things happen to me. It's kind of ironic then how I did the opposite yesterday. Spent the whole day cleaning the house, then reading. Closing the curtains. Put my phone of flight mode throughout the night, and it's still on because I don't want any disturbance. My brother is still in Asia, my mum went on a trip yesterday, my sister has gone for a road-trip for the day, and is most likely going to be gone for the rest of the week when she gets back today. Apart from my dad, I'm home alone. What do you do when you're home alone? Walk around partially nude, eat toasted bread in my mothers new sofa, listen to music loudly. I spoke with Lynx yesterday. Was watching a handball match, whilst doing something on my computer. Was quite distracted when I heard this strange, yet familiar sound. Turned out to be Facetime. My youngest nephew has grown so much, it seems. I've booked plane tickets so I can be at my first nephew's birthday, and some. So I'm going to Lynx and co in about three weeks, and I'm staying for a week or so. I thought about staying longer, but figured that though it's really nice to see my nephews, I'm not as good with early wake-ups each morning. I think I've gone a lot with my heart as of late, rather than the rational choices, the smart ones that my brain urges me to take. It's strange, because I'm so used to do the opposite. But it's nice. I've tried ignoring limits, trying to see opportunities instead. Doing things I probably shouldn't do, but still desire. It's a really fucking nice feeling to be able to do that. The book I was reading yesterday, started yesterday- is called Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I watched the movie for the book five years ago, on a plane to China. To this day, there are some scenes ingrained in my brain that won't be washed away. I've only watched it once, and it's taken me this long to pick up the book, because it's one of those that really gets to me. I know now, only fifty pages in that I'll probably love this book. I already do, to be honest. I just turned off flight mode on my phone, and the messages came streaming in. Four messages about work. I've sort of been avoiding taking any shifts, because let's be honest, I'd rather not work. But as it is, I need to earn money for my Asia trip next year, and money for living expenses. Being a grown up is not always fun and games. But then again, not having to work for a thing is boring, isn't it? You don't feel the same satisfaction as when you actually work for it. I'm going to sit outside in the sun and read some more now. Enjoy it whilst it's still here. It's October in just a few days, people. That's crazy.

how many nights does it take to count the stars?

I hodet mitt så jeg for meg at vi danset disco nedover bowlingbanen før vi kastet fra oss bowlingkulene. Hva ellers skulle disco-bowling innebære? Gårsdagen startet nesten med gråt da alarmen gikk av 5.30, og jeg kunne se stjernene skinne i mørket fra vinduet. Hadde på meg ullgenser og ullkåpen. Jobb var stressende, og jeg hadde til tider lyst til å si: "nei, nå gir jeg opp, orker ikke mer". Du vet, en toåring som mister besinnelsen sin fordi de ikke får den tingen de ønsker fra lekebutikken. Vel, det var nesten slik jeg hadde lyst til å oppføre meg. Dessverre er jeg langt fra to år, og slik oppførelse ville ikke blitt ansett noe særlig positivt fra mine kolleger og pasienter. Endte opp med å jobbe overtid, hvilket passet dårlig, da jeg skulle møte Marble, Kiwi og Sugar i byen klokken 18.30. Da jeg endelig var kommet hjem, gikk det i ett med å forsøke å bli klar så fort som mulig. Forrige uke en gang, spurte Marble i en gruppesamtale på Facebook om vi ikke ville finne på noe en helg. Hun foreslo disco-bowling, og jeg lo, spurte hva det innebar. Fikk en noe dårlig forklaring, men takket ja til å være med likevel. Det var lang ventetid før vi kunne bowle, så vi satte oss ned i baren med øl, snakket. Viste seg at det hadde vært dårlig jobbdag for både Kiwi, Sugar og meg. "Det ligger en forbannelse over dagen," tror jeg Kiwi sa. Vi spilte to runder. Første kastene var noe rustne, men vi ble gradvis bedre. Til tross for at jeg klarte å kaste bowlingkulen baklengs, i stedet mot kjeglene, vant jeg den første runden. Jada, øl når hodet mitt før jeg vet ordet av det. Men det var faktisk mer en konsekvens av at jeg ikke eier armmuskler, og det ble litt for tungt for meg. Heldigvis skjedde dette kun en gang. Vi byttet bane etter den første runden, og jeg gikk for å kjøpe meg et nytt glass øl. Sist jeg bowlet var med min tre-åringe nevø, og med min yngste nevø som tilskuer. Vi fulgte verken riktig rekkefølge eller regler da vi spilte den gang. Men jeg vant den gang også. Jeg er egentlig lite glad i bowling, og det er et spill jeg fort ønsker å være overstått. Men det er kanskje den eneste sporten med ball der jeg har et noenlunde godt sikte. Føler dette kan oversettes til "why do we love the ones who doesn't love us back". Kanskje, eller så er det bare jeg som klarer å assosiere det. Uansett, etter vi var ferdige med den andre runden vår, satte vi oss ned for å drikke ferdig øl, og snakke mer. Vi dro til Munchies, fordi Sugar hadde pratet om at hun spiste der før hun møtte oss. Helt siden jeg spiste en fantastisk avokado-burger i Irland i fjor, har jeg hatt ønske om å finne en burger som kan sammenlignes. Munchies er en av de burgerstedene jeg har hatt ønske om å prøve ut lenge. Så i min beruset tilstand, var det klart at jeg ønsket meg en burger fra Munchies klokken 22. Sugar og Kiwi forlot oss en halvtime etterpå. Marble og jeg flyttet oss nærmere vinduet. Stirret tilbake til karene som satt utenfor og stirret intenst etter vi hadde flyttet oss. Vinket også, før vi snudde oss mot hverandre og fortsatte samtalen vår. Burgeren kom, og den første biten var en fryd. "Er du egentlig sulten?" spurte Marble. Brukte hånden for å vise at jeg var sånn halvveis sulten egentlig, mens jeg tygget ferdig biten i munnen min. "Så dette er mer av nysgjerrighet, enn sult altså?" spurte hun. Jeg bekreftet dette, og hun lo. Etter jeg endelig var ferdig å spise-- bruker lang tid på å spise til vanlig, og ennå lengre i en beruset tilstand-- dro vi på do. Marble inviterte meg inn på do, og jeg leste de ulike tekstene på do-veggen, og kommenterte hvordan jeg syntes Marble klarte å se elegant ut når hun satt og tisset. "Jeg føler liksom at vi er på en sånn formell middag, og vi sitter ovenfor hverandre med et vinglass og prater om politikk," bablet jeg. Verken av oss ønsket å dra hjem helt ennå, men ingen hadde noen bestemte ønsker om hvor vi skulle gå. Så vi endte opp med en spasertur mot Grünerløkka. Vi endte opp på Schouskjelleren Mikrobryggeri, jeg med et glass mørkt øl, og Marble med et glass lyst. Følte jeg hadde havnet et sted i middelalderen, satt ved en rekke gutter som i følge Marble ratet kvinner fra 0-10. Hørte ikke dette selv, da jeg var altfor opptatt av å stirre på folkene rundt meg. Altfor fort hadde vi drukket ferdig glassene med øl, og vi ble rastløse og gikk videre til neste stasjon. Vi stoppet opp utenfor Glød, bestemte oss for å gå inn. Vakten så på id-kortet mitt, spurte hvor gammel jeg er. "22," svarte jeg. Han svarte at det var 23-års grense, og jeg var klar for å snu i døren. Men han spurte hvor gammel Marble var, hvor mange vi var. Hun svarte 22, og at det bare var vi to. Vakten sa "ok, dere kan komme inn, men oppfør dere". Vi kjøpte oss et glass øl begge to, og satte oss ned i et koselig hjørne. "Du har drukket over 2 liter øl," kommenterte Marble, som ikke var langt unna selv. "Aldri drukket meg full på øl," sa jeg. Men jeg kjente det veldig. Før vi visste det var klokken mye, og vi gikk videre uten en ordentlig retning. Endte opp på en vei som var ukjent for begge, men ledet oss frem til bussterminalen. Løp igjennom en søle av knust glass, da vi innså at bussen vår stod der. Vi rakk den heldigvis, og mens Marble begynte å bli mer edru, satt jeg og kjente på en kropp som var ganske beruset. For første gang sovnet jeg, og Marble var den som var våken. Hun vekket meg litt før stoppet mitt, sa bekymret "du kan sove over hos meg altså". Jeg takket nei, sa at kulden ville vekke meg, noe den gjorde. Men i en liten grad, for det føltes ut som om jeg gikk hjemover i søvne. Havnet i seng 3.30, sloknet, inntil klokken ble 8.30 og solen skinte i ansiktet mitt. Lo litt da jeg innså at jeg mest sannsynligvis fortsatt var beruset. Var våken i en time før jeg sovnet igjen. Stod opp 13.30, og startet dagen min med en fuktighetsmaske. Å drikke to liter øl er ikke noe jeg egentlig anbefaler. Men angrer likevel ikke, selv om jeg syntes det var greit å stoppe opp for å hilse på en tidligere X Factor deltaker. 

now I'm one step closer to being two steps far from you

Good evening. I listened to a new track by One Direction yesterday, called Infinity. As with most of their things as of late, it kind of dropped out of nowhere. I guess it's their only way of not having their work leaked. Personally I think the album cover and name is heinous. Absolutely atrocious. But you know the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover"-- well, I do listen to that saying. And as Kiwi said to me, they've always had strange album cover and names anyway. So I gave the song a shot, thinking I'd be a bit disappointed, because for some reason I always think I'm going to be disappointed. Some of you might know that my love for One Direction didn't start with their music, no, the music was only the bi-product. At first listen I had a hard time trying to understand if it was Liam or Niall singing the first verse. Pretty sure it's the latter. It's not a world-changing song, and it's quite characteristic for One Direction, I thought. I really enjoy the song. There's an instrumental part that blew my mind when I first heard it, and I would've loved for it to be longer. And likewise as Best Song Ever, it gives me a strange feeling of an end and a beginning. Listening to it, I feel like being at their concert, and it being their last song. The audience are all singing (screaming) along, and they're smiling at us, at each other as the song finishes. I think it just gave me a bit of chills. In other words, I think One Direction is still a part of my life. I watched them perform on iTunes Festival yesterday, along with Little Mix who were their openers. And my goodness, I would love to see Little Mix live. They're truly amazing. I was singing along to all of their songs, which are mostly feel good songs. I went to watch Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials with Oyster today. In prior to watching the movie, I've listened to Grimmy interviewing Kaya Scodelario (plays Teresa) and Thomas Brodie-Sangster (plays Newt) on his breakfast show, and Grimmy said he genuinely liked the film. Swore on the life of his dog, which to him truly means a thing. The thing is, Nick Grimshaw is notorious for not enjoying films-- he'll pay more attention to his phone, or sleep though it. So it definitely piqued my interests when he said he enjoyed it. I only watched The Maze Runner back in April, and it was because I missed Teen Wolf, and as Stiles, who is played by Dylan O'Brien is my favourite character from the show-- watching Maze Runner would be a way of sating my need for seeing more of O'Brien. Does that make sense? Anyway, I only knew it was a movie about a maze and that was about it. Admittedly I was pretty surprised that I enjoyed it so much. And this time around, I still didn't know much about what was happening, and I don't think I will unless I read the books myself (pretty sure I won't). But I still really loved it. It was lots of action, which is my kind of thing I've noticed. The hard part is having to wait for the next movie, but there's not much you can do. I am pretty exhausted, so I might retreat to bed a bit earlier today.

Grab your bag and grab your coat. Tell the ones that need to know we are headed north

I was pretty sure I had work today until I got to work and my former nurse supervisor said: "though it's really lovely seeing you again, are you sure you're supposed to be here?". Apparently I wasn't supposed to be there, despite marking it in all my calendars. Somehow communication between Kiwi and I have failed. My co-workers all seemed bummed for me, saying "ah that sucks" or "that means you lost sleep? Well, go home and get back to bed". I also even met Sugar on her way to work and I explained what'd happened. To be honest I truly didn't mind having woken up this early on a day off. Also, I didn't really want to work today coz I knew my back aches would really be at it's worst today. The only thing I regret is running to the bus this morning, and not being able to enjoy the lovely sunrise. I ran in my new leather boots. They've really been tested today, as I decided to walk home from work rather than taking the bus. As I had expected, it took me about half an hour. It's a shame I was too lazy to get my bike out this summer, because it would take me ten minutes (more or less) cycling to work. Obviously I could still get it out now, but I'm not a very big fan of cycling when the cold starts sinking in. I get all sniffly. Maybe I'll start walking some times, like I did today. One of the things I bought yesterday was shoe wax for my leather shoes. I've never given this much care to any pair of shoes of mine before. But after walking home today I gave them a bit of wax. After googling a bit, I realise I'm a complete newbie to taking care of leather shoes. I guess you learn something every day. Recently I heard a very sexist comment, and it's not the first time I've heard it from this guy. The last time I basically told him off. This time I didn't because we were with a patient, and I didn't think it was appropriate. But it was a comment that burned and I was outraged. There's comments like that which are blatantly sexist, and there's all the other things that are less blatant, the things we don't even realise are sexist because they're internalised in us from birth. I just read a thing about women not wearing bras and showing nipples. And comments like "so what you're saying is that I'm allowed to see your boobs?", "it's inappropriate", or "respect yourself and others, and wear a bra" is examples of how ignorant people can be. People forget that a human body is the most natural thing that we possibly are. The main reason for us to wear clothes is to protect our bodies, like another layer of skin. Bra's were made for support. If men doesn't have to wear bra's, then why should women? And if women can wear bra's, why can't men? I think feminism is scary for a lot of men because they think they're being attacked, when it's all really about equality. Free the nipple move, I think is about letting all the sexes do whatever they want with their own nipples. I think it would be really nice to see a social media that didn't censor nipples, regardless of sex, as I think a breast is just another natural part of a body. And then it's the breastfeeding discussion. When pregnant, the mother's breast starts a process of making milk, for the baby to get their nutrients from. Would you think it was alright that it was frowned upon each time you have a meal in public? Like, whenever you feel hungry you need to go into a designated room or your own home, hidden from the public's eye to eat? Sounds ridiculous right? Then why are so many people frowning upon letting babies feed from a their mother's breast, their source of food? I watched this slam poetry about sexism, and it's truly brilliant. It shines a light on things that I didn't even think of were a consequence of sexism. Also, I read this brilliant post about gender identity, which I would really like for you to read. It's not until recent that I've given gender identity much thought, and that's because wonderful people like Laverne Cox and Caitlin Jenner has brought more light upon the theme. It's also because my Tumblr friend asked me once, about my own gender identity. I had to google it then, because I'd no idea what it meant. When I was growing up I never learned anything about gender identity, but imagine if I did. Why is this so important to me? I refuse to be one of the people in my generation to carry on sexism, and to carry on ignorance when it comes to gender identity. One day I might have a kid, and god forbid that they'll grow up unknowing. I will try to educate them the best I can. 

never knew it could mean so much

Søndager er vanligvis rengjøringsdagen min. Men i går var jeg nesten like trøtt som på fredag, etter min andre nattevakt. Det skyldtes at jeg natt til søndag ikke egentlig sov noe særlig. Du vet den følelsen av å ikke ha sovet ordentlig? Og da mener jeg en dyp søvn. Det lille jeg sov den natten var overfladisk, og jeg våknet opptil flere ganger og tenkte "har jeg egentlig sovet nå?". Det gikk heldigvis bra på jobb, og det viste seg til at jeg kanskje var mer effektiv enn noensinne. Innen klokken hadde slått ti, var jeg ferdig med de fleste av arbeidsoppgavene mine. Det skal sies at jeg fikk en veldig fin og rolig arbeidshelg. Det er godt for sjela. På veien hjemover gikk jeg med lukkede øyer, og en følelse av at jeg var halvt zombie. Er ikke sikker på hva jeg brukte gårsdagen til, annet enn å se på Alt for Norge og Åndenes makt. Førstnevnte serie kommenterte mamma på: "jeg skjønner ikke hvorfor du ser på dette," sa hun etter jeg hadde byttet fra en krimserie til Alt for Norge. Tingen er jo at programmet er ganske mildt, ikke særlig drama og underholdningen ligger i at de amerikanske deltakerne gjør "norske" ting. Alle ser ut til å komme overens, og de virker som en gjeng med gode venner. Det er liksom litt sånn regnbuer og bare glade tider. Med unntak av elimineringen. Og det viser seg vel at jeg og sånne "regnbue" serier kommer godt overens. Hadde også på en ansiktsmaske i går kveld før jeg la meg, fordi jeg tenkte "hvorfor ikke?". Tror jeg sovnet, for jeg skvatt i det alarmen min gikk. Broren min dro i går, hvilket jeg innså da han ikke var hjemme på en søndag, og datamaskinen hans var fraværende. Som bekreftelse spurte jeg min mor. Han reiser til Asia i tre uker til min store overraskelse. Trodde i utgangspunktet at det bare var en uke, og at det var med jobb. I stedet er det faktisk hans ferie. Men hensyn til min brors arbeidstimer og mangel på ferie, så synes jeg han absolutt fortjener det. I dag ble jeg vekket av sjefen til Sukker, som spurte om jeg kunne komme å jobbe. Dette skjedde klokken åtte, to timer før min planlagte alarm skulle gå. Takket nei fordi jeg trengte en fridag. Det irriterende ved dette er at jeg ikke klarte å sovne igjen. Forble likevel i sengen de neste to timene. Jeg hadde et par ærender i dag, og jeg var derfor innom senteret og kjøpte et par ting jeg ikke trengte, inkludert et nytt sengesett. Argumentet var "det er høst, og det har blitt kaldt, så jeg trenger selvfølgelig et flanell sett". Kjøpte også en pakke Lays potetgull. Dette var etter jeg innså at jeg hadde glemt å kjøpe min favoritt te. Irriterende nok vet jeg kun om en dagligvarebutikk som per dags dato selger min favoritt te. Pleide egentlig aldri å handle på denne butikken, men er faktisk så glad i den teen, at jeg går de ekstra meterne for å kjøpe den. Potetgull kjøpte jeg på en annen butikk som pleide å selge favoritt teen min. Dette ble forandret på ca. ett år siden. Ble noe irritert på min egen hukommelse og meg selv, men valgte å gå hjem i stedet for å gå tilbake til den bestemte butikken som selger teen. Var ekstra irritert ettersom korsryggen er vond, og hormonene er litt her og der. En kopp te vanligvis er lindrende for meg. Overlever vel uten te. Ikke sikkert de rundt meg gjør det. 

Who says truth is beauty after all? And who says love should break us when we fall?

I slept for bloody eleven hours! I went to bed at 11 pm, and set an alarm for 11 am because that's where my line went. I didn't actually think I'd sleep for that long, but hadn't it been for the sun in my face, I probably would have slept until then. I was initially going to work the day shift today, but it was changed to the evening shift. And I'm very happy for that, or else I'd probably be knackered considering how many hours my body truly needed. The sun is out, and it seems like it's going to be a lovely day. Gonna eat some chocolate before I forget to. I cannot believe I've not listened to Let it all go by Birdy and Rhodes until now. I've really been enjoying slow songs at the moment, the ones you can sway back and forth whilst listening to. I think it's because it's easier on my ears, more soothing. Some time next week I'm going to watch the new Maze Runner movie with Oyster, and I can't wait. Monchita watched it yesterday, but I've not asked about her thoughts because I don't want any spoilers. I saw the trailer for it on television for the first time yesterday, and I was chanting "yeah, go Dylan!". Oh, I won a game of Wordfeud for the first time in ages yesterday. I was so shocked by myself. I rarely play it anymore, but I started a game during my night shift because I didn't have much to do then. I think this sunny weather really has made my day. I'm full of happiness. I guess it doesn't always take much. Hopefully work tonight and tomorrow goes well. It's actually been a while since I've worked there, so it feels a bit like I've forgotten about all the things I'm supposed to do. I think I'm just going to relax, maybe look through one of those interior magazines I bought this summer before I get ready for work. Happy Saturday and good weekend. 

I'm a hot air balloon that could go to space with the air, like I don't care

It's been raining heavily the past few days, and yesterday was not an exception. I went to take the bus a bit earlier to work. I'd agreed to come talk to Kiwi who was working, before going to work myself. I was wearing my wellies, raincoat and shielded myself with an umbrella. When the bus came, it turned out that my bus card that I thought would last me until today actually only lasted to yesterday morning. I shrugged, told the bus driver to let me off then, because I hadn't any money, only a card. He asked me where I was going, and I told him. He was kind enough to let it pass. My plan had been to walk to the mall and pay for another month on my bus card. But in hindsight, the mall was closing just when I stepped onto the bus. So I was very lucky. I mean, there would be a solution. But nevertheless, an act of kindness goes a long way. It meant I started my day (technically late evening) with a smile, though the start of my shift was slightly chaotic. Though I had dreaded these two night shifts, they went quite alright. To be fair, regardless of where I've got a night shift, I always dread them. It's just the thought of something happening, and less people around to help. And when it's quiet, you're basically waiting until the clock turns 6 am, so the busy day can start. And everything like blood tests, antibiotics, drains, etcetera, needs or should be done within the time people who work the day shift arrives. It's stressful. My skin has not liked this, and it's acting out a bit. I've got today off, then I have an evening shift tomorrow at my own section/division/whatever. I am honestly knackered, because this is around the time where I've been sleeping for the past two days. And I've only slept for three hours when I got home today. I was awoken by my bladder, and then I couldn't fall back to sleep. So now I'm just going to avoid sleep as long as I can, so I can get back on my normal circadian rhythm. The cards I made is in the same fashion, as you probably can see. I painted them on Wednesday, before my night shift, and I'm pretty happy with the outcome. They've now been put into envelopes and stored in one of my boxes. I was a bit early with the cards. However, as a rule for myself I always try to do whatever creative thing I want to do when an idea strikes me. Because it's fleeting for me. And the next day the will to do it is probably gone. So when I wanted to make cards, I made damn sure I made cards. Plus this means I won't have to stress about when that time comes around. I've just watched "Stevie Wonder Carpool Karaoke" on The late late show with James Corden. It is absolutely brilliant, and it's surprising how many songs of his I know. Also it made me cry, which might have been because I'm dead tired and more susceptible to emotional rollercoasters. When watching the video, I found myself smiling a lot. And I think that's because Stevie Wonder himself is such a joy. He gives out a lot of happy vibes, and that's the kind of people I like. One of my patients was a bit frustrated yesterday, and did a bit of complaining. I told her she was right to be frustrated, and gave her an explanation to why things had gone the way they did. This morning she said "I'm sorry for my complaining yesterday. I was never mad at you, I was just frustrated and I'm sorry I took it out on you. You've only been nice, and you're always so happy". Although I spend a lot of time taking crap from patients, I don't normally get angry because I know they're frustrated over things that's not necessarily my fault. Taking your anger out on someone else is a common defence mechanism. It's not always you get an apology either, because not all realise what they're doing. Anyway, she said I was a happy person, and I thought "great! this is what I want to radiate; happiness". Happy vibes give happy times, I think.

It's always two steps backwards, too much gravity to feel the highs. And all these plans I've been chasing getting caught up and wasted

With enough time to think, there's an existential crisis awaiting. I've been thinking a lot about my life, what I want, what is expected of me, what I can do. It's so easy to dismiss the things I want. But it tears at me, and I'm back to thinking about what the hell I'm doing. This inner turmoil I could do without. It's kind of funny, because I don't think I've ever lashed out as a teenager, well not that much anyway. It's not until now that I've chosen to go in directions my parents would rather I not. I think that no matter how old you become, you never want to disappoint your parents. So when you do, it's still tough. Maybe it's selfish to put my own happiness first, but I think that in the end, you being happy will make people understand. Though it might take a long time for people to see that. And it's never good going around being unhappy with yourself and your life. If it's possible, I think you should try to do something about it. It doesn't have to be the biggest things, like completely change your life. You know, it's the small things that matter. I think my crisis stems from not having a steady path in life. I've no idea what to do, and to be honest, I've not had a clue since I was 18 and started grumbling about my education. When I've become so used to always have something to do, I've gotten a bit lost once I haven't the steady schedule everyday. I've long stopped comparing my life with others, because I know that each person struggles with their own turmoil. It's not that, I don't want to be another person. And though I'm sometimes miserable, I'm very happy I am in this place right now. It means I cannot avoid my thoughts, and have to think through them. It's so easy to forget when you have work to occupy yourself with, or other things. I realised this morning, hugging a cup of tea to my chest in the sofa that can room ten people probably, that no matter where I go, I'll still feel like this. Obviously not all the time, but it'll still stick to my bones. Kiwi said to me that she wished she'd read more books. I said it's not always good. I read, read and read. And I know within myself that it's my way of disappearing for a bit, just like travelling is a way to get away from my thoughts. I spent yesterday in a museum, sat on a little puff and staring into the eyes of a painted man, thinking "Geoff, what am I supposed to do?". It would be nice to get some clarity, to have a realisation of some sorts. But I'm not counting on it. For now, I'll be doing some more reflection, and I expect it'll be for the next eight months. More or less. It sounds a bit like a lifetime, but I know very well that it goes by in a blink of an eye. What brought this on, you may think. Maybe it was the rain, the fact that I'm working night shifts at a foreign place starting today, or this loneliness that sits in my core no matter what, or reading a heart wrenching fan fiction (The Hobbit). The latter, I did this morning, in the sofa alone. Well, technically I started reading it yesterday, hours before bed. It was about wanderlust, searching for something you're not yet ready to acknowledge you're searching for, mourning the deaths of loved ones, reopening of wounds, and the battle of finding peace (what an oxymoron). Strangely I didn't cry, but it's lodged a lump in my throat that refuses to move. I am going to do some painting, probably, and wallow in this moroseness. I'll be awake all night, so that'll do wonders for my mental health. That's sarcastic, don't subject yourself to sleeplessness unless you can't avoid it (or, you know, if it's for a good thing like watching the sunrise). Right, onwards with painting! 

gonna put my body first and love me so hard 'til it hurts

Here's some crappy iPhone pictures from my museum visit today. I went to the city today in order to pick up some Muji things, and to pay the rest of my trip. I sent an e-mail to the travel-guy yesterday, and decided to go to the city before I'd gotten a reply. Once I got the reply, I was already on the train. Mind you, it was 11.30 am then, and he told me to swing by after 4 pm. "Crap," I thought, but figured I'd find something to do with four hours. But first, I went to a big department store, kind of, that mostly contains interior. Found a corner of Muji things in Åhlens, sighed because I was a bit scared they didn't carry Muji-things in that particular Åhlens store. And guys! I found my favourite pen! It's not discontinued. What the bloody fuck? I only bought two of them home, because I'd already put an order for a pack of ten via Ebay. Admittedly they don't have the pens in packages (of 5 or 10, like the ones I ordered), so I'm not overly bitter. I grabbed three photo albums. Two large, and one medium sized. I've already got one large from before, and a little one. I actually walked past notebooks, because you can find notebooks everywhere. But not the certain photo albums, nor my favourite pens. After purchasing these things, I went outside in the rain. Goodness, it's been a really rainy day. Luckily I wore my rain coat and wellies. Though I didn't have an umbrella. It was barely noon when I'd finished my quest to find Muji-things, and I knew I had four hours left, so I figured I'd go to the nationalmuseum. I've never been there before, but I've wanted to for years probably. I seized the opportunity, bought my ticket and tried to follow the order of the paintings and sculptures. One of the reasons why I decided to go to the museum, was because I was feeling morose, and I thought it'd be a great place to find some peace within myself, and I guess I did for now. There was a room with a sculpture in the middle, and papers and pencils. On the wall, it said "see through drawing" or something. And I thought it was absolutely brilliant. I did think of sitting down and giving it a go, but I didn't want to end up with stains all over my hands from the pencils. In the end I just walked around and looked at other's attempt, and I'm pretty sure I triggered an alarm by walking too close to a sensor or summat, because a guard came walking in and looking at me strangely. Of course I got a silent friend. We basically looked at the same pictures at the same time, sat beside each other, and everything. My favourite painting was the first I spotted (the first picture). I spent a lot of time staring at a picture that reminded me of childhood, Christmas and my other home. That's the wonderful thing about art-- each person can have their own association, their own relationship with it. After staying at the museum for just over two hours, I ended up at Zara, where I found an amazing coat that reminds of an older lady with big black sunnies, hair always on fleek, long fake nails, glamorous. The kind of lady I want to be when I'm older, in other words. I didn't even let myself try it on, because I knew it'd be a bad idea. Instead I tried on a denim dress and a t-shirt. The denim dress was slightly too big for me, which I thought was good anyway. When I go shopping and I'm broke (or "broke" meaning I have the money, but those money are supposed to pay bills and other things) I cross my fingers that I don't like the item I try on. It's just nicer to leave a store without having to leave a piece you fall in love with. Admittedly I ended up with the t-shirt, because it's like a hug to my skin, it's blue, it's got stripes. What more can you ask for? Then I stopped at H&M, tried on a little black dress, only to discover that it was gorgeous. But I managed to drag myself away from the store without it. I went to M&S to look at snacks, and I ended up with crisps, baked beans, and a spinach dish for me to heat up in the oven when I want to. Probably on my no-meat day, which I think will land on Friday yet again. Though I only have one day of no-meat as of now, I've actually started reducing the amount of meat I eat, which is great. I couldn't wait until 4 pm, so I went a bit earlier, and it turned out the travel-guy wasn't busy then, so I finally got to pay my last share for the trip. So I guess that makes it official. I am leaving next year, to travel for two months. Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia, Singapore, Bali. It's crazy, listing up all those countries and places. I said to Kiwi the other day, that travelling to Bali, only itself is crazy. So whenever Kiwi and I talk about the places out loud, I feel slightly ridiculous, because it just seems so unlikely. But here I am, paid the trip. Only have to save up money for the trip now, and all other living expenses, and wait, I guess. 

take comfort in your friends, everybody hurts

I've somehow managed to say yes to two night shifts at another section, division, whatever. It's where Sugar works, and though I'm perfectly aware that it looks almost completely the same, and the patient group is the same-- I won't have the comfort of having someone familiar. But I needed to do this. Not only do I need money, but if I keep avoiding things that are out of my comfort zone, I'll stay in my happy little bubble forever. It's like when my belieber friend tried to sell me her workplace, the only reason I hesitated was because it's something new. Completely different patient group, workplace, hospital, everything. But I guess I can't always stick my head in the mud, no matter how nice it feels to be oblivious to the world. Life is strange like that, I'm not happy trying to stay oblivious, and I'm not happy to take each chance that comes flying. Kiwi and I met up today so we could order plane tickets from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. The scariest part about travelling to where we're going, is the part about flying. There's been so many accidents in that area the past year(s), so I think I'm probably going to be a nerve wreck about that. We ate sushi, went to the photo shop and picked up my pictures, went grocery shopping. When parting from each other, Kiwi said she was probably going home to play Sims, and I said "well, I'm going to make cards". Thus far I've made three. They just need a splash of colour before I'll be satisfied. One of the good things about making cards, is that I have to be creative. I do tend to get tired of it, out of imagination. But this time, I actually wanted to. I suspect it's because I was organising my box of .. well, different papers, envelopes, tapes, etcetera. Whilst cleaning through my boxes yesterday, I found a bunch of Christmas cards. I make my own each year, and I guess I've accumulated a few over the years. Anyway, it got me quite excited for Christmas, and I was this close to watching a jolly movie yesterday. It was also one of the reasons I wanted to make cards. I'm running out of my favourite Muji pen, I realised this when I was making the last card, and the ink was visibly running low. My favourite Muji pen is discontinued. Also, the interior stores that carries Muji in Norway are closing down. Great for me. I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing that I discovered Muji. Nevertheless, I am going to see if I can stock up on a few things tomorrow. Also, I'll just buy the discontinued pens on Ebay. Usually, there's solutions for everything, though it's not always as easy to see them. It truly felt like autumn today, as I wore my new boots and a scarf! It seems like it's going to be rainy this week, which suits me perfectly if I'm going to work night shifts. I'm listening to The Corrs doing a live concert with MTV. It's from 1999, and they did a cover of R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts. Hence the title of this post. And you know, just cause it's true-- sometimes life is really shitty, but it's important to hold on. Right, am going to stop yapping about life now. 

rags to riches but I'm addicted to being broken

I did an extensive cleaning today, and sorted out a lot of stuff in my various boxes. I'm still in this mindset to throw things away, so I basically got rid of two boxes. I organised so I got all (mostly) my books in one box, and I counted 49, which is bloody crazy. I'm keeping them in the box because there's no space for them in my actual room unless I buy a bookshelf, and I've no plans to do that. I have a "memory box" that I've had for a decade or just less than a decade. And obviously, that means there's a lot of stuff in it. I halved the contents of it, and got rid of ridiculous things like receipts. As a tradition I have collected all the receipts of CD's I've bought, and the oldest I could find was from 2008. It was actually hard to throw those away. It's strange how attached you get to things. I looked through my old diaries, and I'm shocked by how typical of a teenager I used to be. It was all like "ah, he's so pretty, my mum is the worst, they don't understand how hard my life is, etc". You're so egocentric when you're young, and it's hard to look at the big picture. Anyway, I'm very satisfied to have thrown away all that crap, and to have organised. If I keep going, I'll probably end up with nothing. I finally finished reading Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan yesterday. At the library, I spotted this book, and I thought that I spend so much time reading fan fiction about gay people, why not read an actual book too? At first I was a bit sceptic, as it's a story about quite a few people. I tend to find that annoying, but that's a personal preference. Also, the narrators are dead people, which confused me. On the back of the book, it says: "The two boys kissing are Craig and Harry. They are hoping to set the world record for the longest kiss. They're not a couple, but they used to be. Peter and Neil are a couple. Their kisses are different. Avery and Ryan have only just met and are trying to figure out what happens next. Cooper is alone. He's not sure how he feels. As the marathon progresses, these boys, their friends and families evaluate the changing nature of feelings, behaviour and this crazy thing called love". It's a good book, and though it's mostly about being gay, coming to terms with it, and so forth, I also thought it was just about growing up in a way. There's some really great lines in the book, and at times I felt a bit like I was just reading quotes, because the lines sounded so profound, like: "[...] time can be buoyed by wordlessness, but it needs to be anchored in words". I think and hope the book will do good for people who are struggling, as I thought it was lovely that way. It feels like autumn now, chilly. My coats have been hanging in the closet for months, and I'm sure they'll be thrilled to be used again. Like shoes, I never get enough of coats. Right, I'm probably going to do some exercise now. Or, you know, postpone that until the last minute. 

you messed with my heart babe, now it's black and blue

My first picture-- creepy? I don't really think so, cause it's supposed to be a self portrait by Mars, Oyster's younger sister. I think she was going to throw it away or summat, but I was so impressed I wanted it, and I've had it for many years now. I've just been waiting to get my own place to find a frame for it, and who knows how long that'll take me. Anyway, I watched a few episodes of Teen Wolf season 3B yesterday, and those who has seen, knows there's a character that turns dark, and he's got this creepy smirk that really gets to me. I realised that it terrifies me much more than the newest season. And yesterday, as I was watching Teen Wolf in my bedroom, I turned to the door and saw Mars' self portrait, and it was one of those very few times I've been frightened. Because it really reminded me of the character in Teen Wolf. My new shoes, boots. They're simple, except for a little detail. I think that's what drew me to them. I am a sucker for simplicity with tiny details that you don't normally notice. They're leather, and for the first time in my life, the lady in the shoe store actually gave me great tips about shoes. Told me about what fits my feet, because I have a high instep. Told me about the functions of a sole, and the importance of preventing damages to your feet. Yes, normally I'd think she was trying to sell me the shoes, but this was after I said that I was going to buy them. She also gave me tips on how to maintain leather shoes, because though leather is long lasting, they'll last even longer with some TLC (well not exactly TLC, but care). On the agenda today was something I initially didn't want to do, but it was one of those things you know will end up really good anyway. For some reason I have dreaded this day, and I'm pretty sure my dreams the past few days have a connection with that. So I ended the day with rope around my legs, and no I've not started part-taking in bondage. No, but I did run around a sandpit, restricted with rope around my legs. It really hurt. Weeks ago, Kiwi told me she'd signed me up for this annual competition-thing with my work. By participating, my work section, division, whatever-- gets money. So I figured "sure, I'll do that". But when I woke up to a cloudy sky, I thought "oh dear, what have I done", which, truthfully is a common thought of mine. Once we arrived, I quickly understood what was going on. Imagine different posts with different games (ex: each member of the team has to cycle lap around a path on a tricycle), where the goal is to finish first. My boss pointed me out to be the team leader, which really meant I herded the sheep from post to post. At one post I frantically waved at my boss and colleague and tried to signalise for them to get their arses to where I was standing. This was in the midst of the instruction of the game, so I hadn't a clue what we were supposed to do. Luckily my team mates had listened and explained. I was still partly clueless, so I let my team mates build a really great tower that didn't fall down, unlike half of the contestants. First half of the day we were practically ace, but then it went downwards at the end of the day. But I held an attempt of a pep talk at the end of the day. Anyway, it was a really funny day, regardless of the results. I am not going to end all my posts with a music plug, but I've been listening to Little Mix lately, mostly acoustic stuff, because that's my favourite. And there's this song called The End from their new album, that they've been performing, acapella only. Listening to it makes me want them to star in a broadway show of some sort. It's just really lovely, and sounds a lot like a classic. It's also a bit heartbreaking, this video, because Perrie starts crying. Regardless, I still get so impressed by their talent. I would pay to listen to them only do acapella. Right, am going to eat an ice lolly now, because it's Saturday. Then I'm probably going to watch Teen Wolf. 

I see a little house on the hill and childrens' names

If you were to ask me who my favourite character of Frozen is, then it's Olaf. I watched the second half of the movie yesterday just to see Olaf, and I have to give it up coz it's a really great movie. I wonder if the writer thought: "I'm going to break all the clichés in a very cliché-ish story". Today I spent my morning helping my dad carry our broken washing machine to the car, then fetch the new one and get it to our basement. Thought I was going squish a limb somehow, because that was some heavy lifting. Then I went to the mall, mainly to go grocery shopping. I decided today that I'd start my no-meat day. It's taken me a while because I've been trying to wrap my head around what to eat, and finding recipes. You should have seen my basket at the grocery store. It looked like health in a basket. And the thing is, I bought 15 items for a bit over 200 Norwegian kroner. I was a bit shellshocked. I did have a few things to pick up at the mall, and I decided to indulge my wish to buy a new pair of autumn shoes. I had three full bags on my way home, and it was such a relief to finally put them down. I made a kale, mushroom & chickpea soup for dinner. I used a recipe from Eight Hours, a blog I discovered not long ago. I wouldn't say I'm a good cook. I mean, I spend less time in the kitchen than I do .. anywhere else it seems. So I was surprised to realise that it tasted good. By the way, the pictures are not the soup, that's when I made jelly for my nephew's baptism. I am quite surprised by how much I enjoyed the kale, as I tried some kale crisps when Oyster and I were in Paris, and thought they were rather rank. Sadly neither my mum or brother enjoyed the soup as much as I did. "Well, you know you've probably chosen the worst audience to serve a vegetarian meal to," my brother pointed out. And it's true, we really do love our meat, which is why it's taken me this long to finally have a meat-free day. So far it's been good, and it's nice cooking once in awhile. Am going to eat crisps now, I've been craving a certain kind of crisps for weeks now. You'd think I was pregnant, what with me lying awake and thinking of certain foods at night. Food junkie, who? Fourth of September Troye Sivan released new music. Last year I remember falling in love with Happy Little Pill and playing it for Marble and Ale in our hotel room in Dublin. So of course I pre-ordered his new EP, and I've been listening to it ever since. I was shocked and proud to see how many artists that has enjoyed it as much as I. I'm thinking about Taylor Swift and Sam Smith. It's a shock because I first heard about Troye Sivan through his Youtube account, and now he's a successful artist (not to mention Youtuber and actor). Anyway, I really do enjoy his new songs, and I think I really enjoy themes with angst-y and "pining for people who doesn't love you back"-songs. My first favourite was definitely Fools, which is exactly the kind of song I like. Autumn brings new television shows, new fashion, new music, new everything. It's a brand new start. 

when you traced your fingers, drew my spine

I'm on a secret mission, myself and this tall guy that looks a lot like he could survive alone in the jungle. He's got dark hair, but fair skin with freckles. A beard that looks like it's seen better days. He's dressed in green, camouflage. We've hiked through the day and it's getting dark. We can't set up a camp because we might get seen, get caught. So we walk towards a supposedly sea, but instead of stepping into water, it's like walking on a trampoline, it's a place to hide. There's two plastic boats which look real. Beneath them, we discover there's holes. Perfect for a body. So we get into each of our own, and we wait. Let the tiredness take us, until the daylight arise again. We wake up to discover that a layer of snow has fallen, making it harder to go unnoticed. But we carry on, walking for hours, trekking up mountains until we find ourselves in some woods. There's no snow here, but there's a strange building on top of a hill. It's just an empty room, all the walls except one covered in wood that matches the forest. The exception is a wall in glass that allows people to see inside, where it's illuminated with lighting. Suddenly my partner, the tall man is inside of the room. And he's got kids hiding behind his legs, his kids. They look frightened, and the tall man is shushing them. I try to signalise that they have to get out of there, or else we'll be found. It's illuminated, fucks sake, I try to convey. They stay inside to my great dismay, and I decide to patrol outside, see if there's any signs of people. It's completely silent, but I still with fright when I suddenly see movement in the forest. People, camouflaged people are being pulled up with rope. The strange thing, is that they're being pulled up by other camouflaged people. I run, back to the room, yell at the man and the kids to get a move on. But they refuse, look at me like I'm crazy. I decide to leave them, run back from where we came from in the first place. I run and I run until I get to the snowy parts. Suddenly I'm crouched on a sled, sliding down a path in increasing speed, and I'm back to the false boats. I continue running, back home to safety. And I end up in Ale's city, on a tricycle. Apparently I'm visiting her, and just killing time whilst she's at work. I'm cycling through parts of the town I've never been. It's empty, no people to be seen. Until I end up in a kindergarten. The people who work there looks at me like I'm crazy. I am after all a stranger, a grown-up on a tricycle in the middle of a kindergarten. They come at me, and I cycle as fast as I can outside, away. I'm panicked, still frightened, and I get away. I follow a child, younger than me, but on a bigger bicycle. She cycles up a grassy hill, and I follow, or try. I get off the tricycle when I realise I no longer can cycle upwards, and walk the rest. When I get on top off the hill, I spot Lynx and Grepper's house. Although in different surroundings than I'm used to. Grepper and my oldest nephew are walking around in a fenced ground for horses, picking up poop with spades. It's confusing because I'm pretty sure they don't have any horses. Lynx is waving at me, and I can see, in the background of their house, there's a beach. The sun is shining, and it's warm, and in the distance I can see people swimming. I undress, wade in the water, looking out for jelly fish. And that was the end of my dream. I- yeah, it was really strange. Yesterday I hadn't slept enough, fell asleep around 4 am. It was my own fault of course, because I discovered a fan fiction that I couldn't stop reading. It was 3000 pages in iBooks, so there was much to devour, but I realised that I couldn't keep going when I had things to do yesterday. I met up with my belieber friend around noon. I was the first to show up for once, and we walked down to find a certain popup store. Afterwards we walked down the pier, discovered a new place where we relaxed for the next few hours. We basically had a long chat by the seaside. There were some tears and snot. We were on the same wavelength, because my belieber friend suggested hot dogs for lunch. But then she suggested burgers. I was all for it, and we devoured burgers, sweet potato fries and water. The latter I probably drank four glasses of, because I'm pretty sure the sun and tears dried me up. My belieber friend tried to sell me her workplace, and I suggested I'd might move to a bungalow in Thailand. We parted ways around 5 pm, and I was reminded that it was indeed a week day by the amount of people on the train. 

I can be the subject of your dreams

I've been trying to live by the words "do whatever makes you happy". Once a thing no longer makes me happy, gives me more grief than happiness, I try to cut it out. I realised a few months ago, that spending so much time in the One Direction fandom on Tumblr was starting to give me more grief. It took me a few months until I started cutting back on the time I spent there, then I eventually started unfollowing blogs I knew brought more negativity than positivity to my life. Once I did, it was less hard than I had imagined. Because those were blogs I'd followed for years now, people I've followed. Twitter is something I check up on rarely now, and I also unfollowed a bunch of people who gave me more negative vibes. On Facebook my dashboard is only filled with news from people I want to hear news from. I've been throwing away stuff, slowly, but surely. One of these days I'll go through my memory box and probably throw out half of it's content. I think I am doing a cleanse of some sort. The dictionary defines it as to make clean or to remove by or as if by cleaning (ex: to cleanse sin from the soul). It's never been a concious decision, it's something I realised not long ago when I was throwing out half of my underwear collection and most of my make-up. I guess I'm starting anew, tired of holding onto the things that used to be me. I'm still very much me, but not the person I used to be. I read a quote on a pillow case, I think, when I was wandering through the mall the other day. It said something about how you don't travel to discover yourself, but to make yourself. And it really hit me, because everyone keeps talking about how travelling is a way to discover yourself, or "finding yourself". But it really is about making yourself. Your whole life is about becoming a person. I buy a lot of my music, preferably on compact discs, also known as CD's. Why? When I was about 16-17, my English teacher talked about how the release of a CD cover used to be a huge thing, and how having the CD in your own hands was a big part of enjoying the music. And I found that I agreed. Most albums is a story, like a fashion collection, there should be a link between the songs. When I buy a new CD, the first thing I do is to listen through the whole thing, and read the booklet. The booklet usually holds lyrics to the songs, and dedications. When I bought 1989 by Taylor Swift, I did exactly this. And what was different, was that she'd written an honest and really genuine foreword to the album that explains a lot about the new sound. There's a line, that I especially enjoyed reading, and I'm sure I've mentioned it before: "I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new". It's just a bit of a reminder that you won't always be the same person you are, you're constantly changing. Admittedly I spent yesterday watching videos of One Direction performing, and it made me smile. Which again reminded me that it's not One Direction that was giving me grief, but the fandom and all the other buzz around. I went to the cinema with Sugar and Marble today which was really good. I met up with Sugar before, because she'd just gotten off work and had a bit of time before the movie started. I hadn't seen Sugar for ages, so it was really nice to catch up with her. Both of us ordered a pizza, and we only ended up eating half of them, because we didn't have time. Usually when I eat, I mostly eat rather than talk. But I was quite talkative today, I thought. On our way to the cinema, I called Kiwi who was supposed to watch the movie with us, but had to cancel. At that point I'd forgotten that Marble was going to watch it with us, but Kiwi reminded me. I'm forgetful, I reminded Sugar. I'm old to my bones. Kiwi also had to remind me of a thing I'm doing on Saturday. I thought she was joking with me at first, but she was telling the truth. Oh well. We got to the cinema just in time, bought tickets, half-yelled at a bunch of teenagers, sat down in our seats and chatted until the movie started. It was good, nerve-wrecking and a bit sad. The plot was expected and unexpected at the same time, I thought. If Marble could have had it her way, she'd have the characters turn into characters in Sims and decide their actions. In other words, she was quite agitated. Also, I have to admit that old hotels give me the creeps. After the movie, we sat down for tea and talked some more. That's what you do when you've not seen people in awhile, I guess. I kind of had to smile, because it's been a long time since it was just the three of us. We also sat down at a restaurant I feel like I've been at frequently. Like, I even recognise the staff. Sugar pitched an idea about exercise, in which I responded "I feel like I'll end up lying on the grass and crying". But it also sounded quite fun, so I really hope we'll follow through with that idea. All in all, it's been a really great day for me, and I'm really glad to have met up with Sugar and Marble today. 

I got a heavy heart, too much for you to hold

"what changed," you'll ask. 

and I'll say "I'm ready now, but I wasn't then". 

he's got a smile that lights up the room, and he makes everyone swoon, 

whether that's with his impressive arms, or his genuine kindness. 

we greet each other 

like we've known each other for years, when we only meet at nights. 

this time 

it's not night, and I'll say "this is strange". 

he'll laugh, 

show me that smile of his that 

automatically makes people smile back. 

we speak, chat for a bit. 

but only for a bit, because there's no time. 

when I'm on my own, 

I think about our meetings, 

count the smiles. 

does he think of me, does he. 

what if. 

"there's so many of them, it's hard to see who is real," I'll say, while you 

twirl a lock of my hair around your thumb. 

his hand in mine, 

his hands on me, 

his smile pressed to my skin. 

bodies aligned beneath the duvet. 

"maybe you should jump," you tell me. 

risk and reward, 

count the petals. 

yes or no. 

when you look like that I've never ever wanted to be so bad

I've told quite a few people about the Asia trip, and nearly everyone has gushed and told me how jealous they are. And my reaction has been to think "really?". I think it's just too distant for me to actually begin thinking "holy crap". But it hit me a bit, I think, yesterday. So I've been doing some research about Bali and looking at swimwear. Clicked home two new bikinis, which is just what I should be doing when Summer is over, and I've no money. Great. I am really looking forward to sand between my toes. I also did some more extensive research about health, and now I'm terrified of getting malaria, so that's great. I'm pretty sure I've managed to give Kiwi a scare as well, because I'm such a great friend. Oh well. I went to the mall today, and though I left with nothing but edibles, I think I found my boots for autumn. If there's anything good about not having money, it's not being able to feed my shoe obsession. If I was able to do it, I'm sure I'd drown in shoes. I didn't buy the shoes, because I don't have money for them, but when I do get money, I'm pretty sure they'll become mine. That is unless they're sold out by then. That's the positive and negative side by going "shopping" when you don't have money. You might find something nice that you'd instantly buy if you had the money, but you can't because you don't have the money. And once you have the money, the item is sold out. That way I guess you save your money. But it really does suck when it's something you can't get out of your head, and cannot find anywhere else. I decided to buy some sushi today. I was starving at the way home, and I figured I'd earned it. I've been craving sushi since before I left for Paris, which is about a month ago now. And it was lovely. I've been watching Teen Wolf, and I'm nearly onto season 3B, which is my favourite. It's kind of funny how I still find it creepy, though I've seen the episodes before. Also, I've noticed more this time around, like details I hadn't seen before. Am looking at shoes online, gah. Must go to bed. Bonne nuit! 

I know it hurts to watch me bleeding, can't tell you what I'm needing

Jeg og Oyster gikk nedover Champs Elysees, da jeg så Longchamp på den andre siden av gaten. Sa noe om at jeg ønsket meg en veske, og at jeg syntes at jeg kunne unne meg det. Jeg elsker blått, spesifikt navy blue. Dras mot det både bevisst og ubevisst. Tror fargen gir meg ro i sjelen ellerno. Jeg er også en stor fan av praktiske ting. Ser jo hvor lykkelig jeg ble av mine packing cubes. Vi gikk inn i butikken som var fordelt på to etasjer. Jeg visste hvilken modell jeg ønsket, så jeg gikk egentlig forbi alt annet for å finne Le Pliage Nylon. Jeg fant modellen, og jeg dro den med meg ned til kassen. I køen kom en dame som tok modellen fra meg, da hun skulle hente en fra lageret. I gjengjeld fikk jeg en lapp med informasjon om modellen jeg skulle ha. Da jeg kom til kassen gav jeg lappen og betalte. Men vesken fikk jeg ikke, nei, jeg fikk en ny lapp. Stelte meg i en ny kø, der man skulle gi lappen som viste at en hadde betalt, og deretter få vesken. Det tok lang, lang tid. Mannen foran meg skulle kjøpe en modell for konen, ellerno. Snakket i telefonen mens han pratet med en av de ansatte. Ansatte holdt opp to forskjellige farger, og han pekte på den han syntes var finest. Jeg tenkte at nå er vi i en eksklusiv-butikk. Etterhvert som jeg stod i kø, dannet det seg kø utenfor butikken. Det var visst begrenset med antall mennesker som kunne være i butikken. Hadde lyst til å rope til de ansatte i kassen at jeg bare ville ha vesken min. De trengte ikke å pakke nylon-vesken min i silkepapir. Vi kom oss heldigvis ut tilslutt, men det var på randen til at jeg hadde lyst til å forlange pengene tilbake og gå derifra veskeløs. Heldigvis ventet jeg, og fikk den. Jeg har visst ønsket meg den i flere år, fortalte Kiwi meg (tror det var henne). "Virkelig?" har jeg tenkt. Men det stemmer jo. Vesken er mitt favorittkjøp fra Paris, fordi den er mørkeblå og praktisk. Jeg har hatt den med til strand, og gått ute i pøsregn. Den tåler så mye. Den er ikke for liten, og ikke for stor. Den er perfekt for meg. Er ganske sikker jeg har "Le Pliage Small Tote Bag", og jeg skulle gjerne kjøpt meg en Le Pliage Backpack i tillegg. Oyster pekte ut at de så fine ut, og i etterkant så vi flere som hadde akkurat den sekken. Det får bli en annen dag, dersom jeg snubler over en Longchamp butikk. I dag var jeg på jobb, til tross for at jeg var helt gåen i går. Hadde også egentlig innstilt meg på at jeg ikke skulle jobbe i dag, så jeg la meg egentlig ganske sent. Det var heldigvis ikke like kaotisk som i går, men likevel slitsomt. Det er vanskelig å håpe at jeg slipper å jobbe, ettersom jeg vet at jeg egentlig er nødt til å jobbe. Det slo meg også i dag på vei hjem, at det passer meg veldig å kunne velge når jeg ønsker å jobbe. Luksus. Forhåpentligvis blir det en fridag i morgen. Trenger litt restitusjon med tanke på travel langhelg, og deretter kaotiske arbeidsdager. Gikk rundt på avdelingen og viste bilder av nevøen min fra dåpsdagen hans. Når han retter smilet og latteren sin mot deg, så er det til å dåne av. Han er egentlig ganske ulik sin bror i utseende, synes jeg. Han er rolig, sover mye, og spiser mye. Det er ganske likt broren. Men han smiler kanskje mer. Det var spesielt, for i det han ble døpt, smilte han til presten. "Nå skulle dere sett ansiktet hans," sa presten som også døpte min første nevø. Han er også mer aktiv. Foretrekker å hoppe til alle tider, og helst vendt mot verden når han blir båret da han er så nysgjerrig. Unntaket er når han skal finne morsmelken. Han er lang, var vel over 50 cm da han ble født, og har vokst siden den gang. En kollega spurte meg hvor gammel han var, etter hun hadde sett bilde av han. "3 og en halv måned tror jeg," svarte jeg. Hun fikk sjokk, trodde han var nærmere ett år. Jeg gleder meg veldig til begge nevøene mine blir eldre, se hvordan de utvikler seg og hvordan personligheten deres formeres. Herregud, går igjennom min søster's Instagram, og det er faktisk ikke så lenge siden min første nevø var "liten". Nei nå begynner jeg å bli gammel. Hadde en pasient som sa: "du bor vel hjemme i hus med mann og barn". "Nei," sa jeg, "er nok litt for ung for det ennå, selv om det kunne ha vært en realitet". Han svarte "ja absolutt, det kunne vært livet ditt nå". Jeg tror at jeg skal finne meg noe å spise, også forhåpentligvis starte en Teen Wolf maraton, da jeg ikke fikk sett på noen episoder i går. Hadde i utgangspunktet lyst til å se alt igjen, men innser at jeg ikke tror jeg klarer å gå helt tilbake. Ikke nå, hvertfall. 

you'll see the worst if you stick around

I dag våknet jeg halv seks, og det slo meg at høsten har ankommet. Det var så mørkt, uvant fra de lyse sommerdagene. Det skal sies at jeg ikke har vært oppe så tidlig på lang tid, og at jeg dermed mest sannsynlig har gått glipp av at det har blitt mørkere. Jeg har hatt en fin langhelg hos min søster, Lynx. Grepper hentet oss på flyplassen. Det var sent, og han sa at han helt sikkert ikke fikk sove, fordi han hadde drukket kaffe så sent for å holde seg våken på veien. Han var litt hyper, og jeg var overtrøtt. Mamma og Monchita satt i baksetet, på randen til å sovne. Jeg og Grepper pratet om nesten alt og ingenting. Vi har våre momenter, der vi er på helt lik bølgelengde. "Hvor lang tid tok flyet?" spurte han like etter vi hadde satt oss i bilen. Flyet skulle jo være forsinket, dog med ti minutter. "Eh, circa 45 minutter," sa jeg, som hadde forventet en time. "Det er faktisk like lang tid som det tar å kjøre til flyplassen," lo han. Det er faktisk ganske latterlig at det er slik. Men sånn er det å bo på en øy. Til Grepper's store forskrekkelse, klarte jeg verken å se hvilken vei vi kjørte, eller hvor vi befant oss i det Lynx ringte og spurte hvor vi var. "Unnskyld meg, men jeg vet ikke hva det heter nå, og jeg visste det heller ikke da jeg var ni," sa jeg. "Stor skuffelse, huff," mumlet han spøkende. Hjemme ble vi møtt med en entusiastisk hund, min søster og yngste nevøen som ikke helt ville legge seg ennå. Volla, som egentlig ankom tidligere enn oss, kom inn døren en time etter oss, da hun hadde vært og spist middag i byen med et par venninner. Lørdagen startet med min eldste nevø som åpnet døren til soverommet og skrek "bø!". Vi spiste en stor frokost, før vi gjorde oss klare for en dag i sentrum. Vi dro til den lokale slakteren og kjøpte to kilo pølser. "Julepølser," kalte Monchita de. Det er fordi det er så sjeldent vi spiser disse pølsene, da de kun finnes på akkurat det slakteriet. På det lokale senteret møtte vi gamle bekjente. Det vil si mennesker jeg ikke husker, men som husker meg. Så jeg stod der og pratet med en entusiastisk mann som husket meg godt fra da jeg var liten. Lynx kjenner omtrent hele befolkningen der hun bor, så ofte stopper hun opp eller vinker. Det kan ta evigheter å være med henne i sentrum dersom hun føler seg pratsom. Vi møtte hennes venninne som nylig fikk trillinger. Jeg ble rund i øynene, for jeg tror faktisk ikke at jeg har sett trillinger i virkeligheten, kun på tv. Mamma og jeg var svært fascinert, mamma kanskje to hakk mer enn meg. Lynx og co forlot oss for å dra i et barneselskap, og vi resterende vandret igjennom senteret. Vi endte opp på kafeen (kun en kafe på senteret) der hele befolkningen pleier å samle seg. Volla hadde ringt et par venninner som dukket opp med sine menn og barn, og der satt vi alle mann med forskjellige ting (jeg hadde gulrotkake og te). Vi ble sittende i kanskje to timer, før Lynx kom med dekorasjoner til lokalet for dåpsfesten. Vi hjalp til med dekorasjonene til dåpsfesten, da dåpen var hovedgrunnen til denne langhelgen. Etter vi var ferdig å pynte, dro vi på matbutikken. Vi hadde invitert samboeren til søsteren til Grepper til middag. Grepper ville lage tikka masala, vi hadde kjøpt pølser, Lynx kjøpte med seg pasta, og Volla kjøpte reker ettersom de var på tilbud. Det ble altså en slags form for tapas, bare med merkelige kombinasjoner. Vi drakk øl som Grepper har brygget. Det var overraskende godt. Vi endte kvelden med å se på Cinderella, eller Eventyret om Askepott som den heter på norsk. Likte den veldig godt, ble nok en gang overrasket. Søndagen startet tidlig. Hilste på omtrent hele familien til Grepper i kirken, hørte på gudstjenesten, og gikk etterhvert opp til presten ettersom jeg var en av fadderne. Etter gudstjenesten var ferdig, dro vi til lokalet, der vi gjorde i stand tingene som hadde behov for istandgjøring. Gjestene dukket opp litt etter hvert, og jeg fikk mer tid til å prate med de, selv om jeg følte meg lite villig til å være sosial. Festen endte rundt klokken fem, og vi begynte å rydde. Jeg brukte en del tid på kjøkkenet, som hadde to innganger. Ene gangen skulle jeg til å gå ut en utgang som leder til toalettet og den ene inngangen til kjøkkenet. Monchita gikk ved meg, og jeg sa "jeg skal bare på toalettet først," i det jeg gikk ut utgangen. Samboeren til søsteren til Grepper stod i døråpningen til kjøkkenet, sa "jeg setter pris på at du deler den informasjonen med meg, men mer enn det vil jeg ikke vite". Se for deg en mann i 30-årene med finnmarksdialekt. Han spøkte, selvfølgelig, men vi lo godt begge to. Jeg og Monchita trillet min yngste nevø hjem. Skulle i utgangspunktet gå med den eldste nevøen min også, men i det foreldrene hans skulle kjøre, ropte han "jeg vil også kjøre, vil ikke gå". Er litt usikker hva som skjedde videre, vet bare at vi alle var passe slitne. Volla reiste hjemover, og vi slappet av i sofaen. Mandagen startet hakket tidligere enn jeg ønsket. På vei til toalettet, møtte jeg på min eldste nevø som satt og så på tegneserier. "Vil du se rommet mitt?" spurte han meg, da han fikk øye på meg. "Joda, må bare på do først," sa jeg, i tro om at jeg skulle slippe unna og legge meg igjen. Det kunne jeg bare glemme, da han stod klar utenfor baderomsdøren. Vi gikk ned i stuen, lot resten sove noe lenger. Lynx skulle til legekontoret, så vi endte opp med å være barnepass i et par timer. Jeg og min eldste nevø var ute i hagen, der jeg gjemte badeender, og han fant de. Han er en merkelig, men smart kar. Og ganske morsom også. Vi var ute et par timer, til Lynx kom kjørende hjem. Grepper var innom flere ganger, da han jobbet like nedenfor huset. Vi bestemte oss for å ta båten til byen, mens Lynx skulle til legekontoret med min yngste nevø som skulle få noen vaksiner. Å ha med en fireåring inn i en Brio butikk, og deretter forsøke å forlate butikken er ganske vanskelig. Men det gikk. Lynx møtte oss en time senere, og vi gikk rundt i byen før vi satte oss ned på en veldig koselig kafe. Lynx hvisket til meg: "det er en kristen kafe". Jeg var ikke overrasket, "jeg hører det på musikken," sa jeg. Hun lo. De spilte nemlig Sleeping At Last, og jeg vet jo at artisten er kristen, og at de fleste sangene har ganske åpenbare kristne temaer. Det er andre gangen jeg har en Sleeping At Last opplevelse i den byen. Forrige gangen satt jeg i et rom omringet av fisker (akvarium). Lynx og nevøene mine forlot oss rundt 17:30, og vi ventet på flybussen som skulle gå like etter. Jeg kom hjem rundt 21:20 i går kveld. Tenkte egentlig at jeg kanskje skulle bli hos min søster en stund, ettersom jeg ikke har noen viktige avtaler her. Men jeg hadde ikke penger til å kjøpe ny flybillett, og jeg fikk forespørsel om å jobbe i dag. Så da ble det jobb på meg i dag, hvilket var merkelig. Har ikke jobbet på over tre uker. Det var også den mest slitsomme vakten jeg har hatt på lange tider. Er helt gåen i bena. Kollegaen min spurte meg "kan du tenke deg å jobbe i morgen hvis det blir mye?". "Ikke hvis det blir en lik vakt som dette," svarte jeg. Total sittetid var estimert til tjue minutter på en åtte timers arbeidsdag. Men slik er det når høsten har kommet, blir mer travelt på arbeidsplassen. Hei, og god kveld september. Trodde det var ny Teen Wolf episode i dag, men ble negativt overrasket da jeg leste at del to av sesong fem ikke vises før i januar. Det er riktignok fire måneder til, men føles ut som evigheter. Heldigvis har Netflix tatt inn sesong fire, og jeg vurderer faktisk å se alle sesongene på nytt.